PTSD

Hello all I'm new and have been struggling a great deal with PTSD. I have been raped multiple times in my adult life and the pills I was on to help my PTSD no longer are working. They don't help. I am not on them anymore because I ran out and I keep waking up 2, 3 or 4 times a night with nightmares and I can't handle this. I feel like crying everyday and I'm so upset and frustrated. I wish it would all go away! I could definitely use some hugs or support or success stories of PTSD etc..

Hugs your way! I am so sorry you are suffering. I am really glad you came here. This is a wonderful site with supportive, lovely people.

This is the first post I've read from you so please forgive me if I am asking you to repeat yourself:

1. Does your P know you suddenly stopped taking the medication?
2. Do you have a T that you speak with?
3. Do you have a support system outside of PC?

You are not alone. You can get through this..we are here.

Thank you Rose! Yes my psychiatrist knows I stopped taking the medication. I just saw her yesterday and she decided not to do anything about my medicine. I got really mad at her for some things anyway yesterday. I do have a therapist that I speak with but haven't seen her since I went in to the psych hospital in February. I do have support outside of PC(I go to a program called the friendship program which is for people with Mental Illness) and I do have a fiance' but things are just going so haywire right now and I feel like I treat him horribly because I can't be intimate with him at all. Just holding hands or him putting his hand on my leg makes me flinch. I get so mad at myself about it but at the same time I can't help it. Thank you Rose for being so kind to me!

((((justgivealittle)))),

I have been thinking this morning about my own journey with PTSD and where I am now, how could I put it into words that tell you that you WILL eventually be ok and that it does take time to work through and heal with PTSD. I think about what would have helped me when I was really struggling with nightmares and crippling days.

Well, it is an individual journey and each person has to work on themselves and whatever is in their past that has come to this struggle with PTSD that is taking place now. But the main seed for all those that do struggle is "safety". Something happened that truely threatened the sense of safety. And when that happens our brains try very hard to figure out how to learn from the event or events where our safety was in jeopordy.

When something threatening our safety happens we are designed to remember it and ask questions about it so that we can learn how to not have it happen again. And when we go through this process we also have emotions that take place too. We have these emotions so that we can get a sense of our environment and others so that we can use our environment and others to survive and thrive and we ARE designed to be with other human beings to group together and help each other thrive and reproduce.

So in the beginning, our childhoods, we really depend upon our families to help us learn how to be safe and we gather a lot of information during that period in our lives that is designed to help us thrive and be able to also have our own families. So just to help you understand the basics of how we are truely designed to exist.

When something bad happens and our SAFETY that we have established up until the bad thing happened, at first our instint/brains are designed to do whatever we can to get away from the danger that threatens our SAFETY and our brains only run on the level of shutting off all the senses except what we need to use to focus and survive.

When we do get away and are once again in a sort of SAFE environment, our brains then are designed to go over whatever it was that threatened our safety so that we can learn from it and do our best to not allow it to happen again. But this time that brain allows our emotions to attach to the event that took place. Because remember our emotions help us "feel" our surroundings and others so that not only do we see what may look safe, but we also learn to feel it as well.

So in PTSD, when we experience FLASHBACKS and troubling memories that did threaten our safety, we also need to place the emotions with the answers to how we can see what happened and learn how we ended up in danger and how we can not only identify it so we don't have it happen again but also feel it coming too. So, we are working on figuring out how to feel a danger coming and feel safety again once that danger is over as well.

When we are trying to sort through this our brains can also search our data bank on when we felt safe, what we learned about feeling safe and lets see if we can find our feelings information that way too around the event that threatened all of that.

OK, so when we experience PTSD, our brains are doing a lot of sorting and a lot of emotions are really on the surface and EMOTIONS all present chemicals to our brains when they come in so our brain SENSES AND FEELS THESE EMOTIONS and can attach information and responses to THESE INCOMING EMOTIONS. And because this is taking place, WE BECOME VERY SENSITIVE AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE ARE IN A SAFE UNDERSTANDING ENVIRONMENT WHEN WE ARE WORKING THROUGH PTSD.

When we are working through PTSD? Because it is intense work? We DO try to isolate so that our brain doesn't have to take in additional senses and EMOTIONS that present MORE CHEMICALS or even threats while we are trying to find our resolve from a tramatic event where we have to put everything together, memories and emotions to safety again. And this is because when the brain is trying to re-establish itself with resolve including the emotions fitting together? It is a lot of work because we are not only remembering but we are also feeling different things. And as feel these things we do have those chemicals coming forward in our brains. We are designed to exist in a very chemical way, more than we truely realize. And the more we learn and establish safety the more chemically balanced we become.

So, depending on who the person is and their personal history of chemical emotional balance and knowledge, this process takes different amounts of time. And if the person suffering from PTSD can be in a "safe" environment with a guide to help that person work through this process, the outcome and length of time for healing to be faster and easier is increased.

((((justgivealittle))), during this time, you have a lot to sort through and this time has to be about you and your recovery. Regular interactions that require you to have established emotions and sense of balance and safety have to be completely set aside. You cannot expect yourself to hand out balance in relationships until you actually HAVE balance again. Right now your brain has a lot of healing to do and yes your emotions are being sorted through and yes they are all on the surface and you have to allow yourself to truely be kind to yourself while you are sorting this out. NO GUILT OR PRESSURE SHOULD BE ADDED, and as you do try to work through this, understand that THIS IS NOT ABOUT PUNISHMENT OR THAT YOU SHOULD BE SUFFERING. This is NOT ABOUT LETTING THIS PROCESS SCARE YOU SO THAT YOU FEED INTO IT EITHER.

I can only speak for myself in my recovery thus far and at this point I have learned that I had to really go all the way back and finally get to a point where I understood how I established my own personal safety. I had to learn that when a big event happened that truely put so much of my personal safety in question/threat I was going to then be on a journey that entailed me sorting through not only that event but all the events where my safety was in jeopardy. I had no idea why all of this was taking place, if only I had been told this in the beginning it would have been much easier for me to understand it.

I keep telling everyone to truely be kind to yourselves. You CAN get through this and even get a much better understanding of yourself as well as a deeper understanding of life overall. But you have to take time to see what you have and what you need to learn to finally re-establish that desire to achieve a true sense of "safety" and emotional chemical balance. Nothing is your fault, it is not about that at all. Do your best to self sooth and calm yourself and make it a point to allow yourself to have therapy, talk things out and figure out what you have, what you dont and how you can learn to finally establish yourself better.

Open Eyes

Justgivealittle,

My main message here is to allow yourself time to work through this, make sure you have a good therapist who understands PTSD and you can build a trust in and feel safe with and make a commitment to yourself. Make sure that you also have a good pdoc too that doesn't leave you hanging in limbo either.

Make up your mind that you are going to allow yourself to work through this slowly and also work on learning ways to calm yourself down and self sooth and not be frightened and unknowingly feed into the emotions that come forward. Make sure that you have a safe place to retreat to where you can go and relax and calm down and even rest when you feel overwhelmed and tired. Do NOT allow yourself to feel like you have to tend to the needs of others right now. Other people need to learn that you do need space and their support and that they cannot make demands on you at all. It just has to be that way, simple as that, no questions and no pressure on you to feel you have to get yourself back together for them somehow and this includes the boyfriend.

Once you get that understood and the pressure is off, it makes so much difference in your ability to actually help yourself and just focus on what YOU need to find your way through and past the PTSD. And ofcourse you can come here anytime you need for support and just to hear, you are not alone and you can work through this.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Thank you everyone for your support! Things are so tough right now and I don't know what to do. I started crying last night and feel like crying this morning and am about to because I feel like I can't get through this. I woke up with nightmares again and I'm so sick of it. I have an anniversary Monday and I just don't want to deal with it at all. I'm so tired of this and I'm so sad and the idea of Monday coming gives me anxiety and makes me sad and want to just...... take it out on myself because I feel its my responsibility and fault. I don't know...

I am sorry, I didn't see your post this morning. ((((justgivealittle)))), I am sorry you are having a tough day today. I know what you mean about how your are feeling I have gone through this myself. I know it is hard and even exhauting and yes wanting to cry is also a part of it. Even though you think you should be blaming yourself, DONT LET YOURSELF FEED INTO THAT. Believe me, your emotions are really out of sorts right now and this is not your fault. You have to allow yourself to just slowly let this pass, and it will. This is going to take some work, therapy and time but you will slowly get through this.

Can you take some time to go for a walk or maybe a drive to help yourself not just feed into dwelling on this day. Don't let yourself feed into it sweetheart. Also if you need to, take a long quiet nap and self sooth.

When is your next T appointment?

You can keep coming here if you need to too. But really do your best to NOT allow yourself to feed into the emotions that are nothing more than a question your brain is asking how to feel about all this. You will get that to calm down with time. And it goes faster when you allow yourself to self sooth and relax your breathing and let go to only the moment, one moment at a time.

((((Hugs to remind you to calm and self sooth)))))
Open Eyes

Oh thats okay open eyes that you didn't see my post. Thank you for replying! My next T appointment is supposed to be for Tuesday but I don't know if I even want to go. I just tried to take a nap because I had an ECT done today and I still had nightmares. I was even crying in the ECT waiting room. I can't do this. I told my fiance' this afternoon that I feel like the rape that happened in October was me cheating on him. and I don't even know. My emotions are so freakin crazy that I don't know what to do! A walk wouldn't be a bad idea but I refuse to go walk by myself in my neighborhood. I don't know it well enough and I don't feel safe. I know its daytime but still.... I don't feel safe walking on my own. I wish I was stronger.

(((Justgivealittle)))),

When someone is tramatized, even rape, they always go through a time when they feel at fault somehow. I went through this myself after so many of my animals were destroyed. I blamed myself for missing what was going on WHILE I SLEPT? But I still felt somehow responsible. Then I blamed myself for breaking down and going into shock and that wasn't hard because everyone else blamed me too. And then I blamed myself for having PTSD and how I could not seem to pull things back together, and everything just fell apart. And I just kept feeling guilty and constantly appologizing to everyone FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

I know exactly how you feel I have been there for a while. And I had to learn to understand PTSD and what it all meant. The only one that understands it now is my husband, but that is just since before last Christmas. This year for me will mark the five year aniversary of when my life just got so destroyed. Other than my husband? My family has basically been punishing me for something I can't help. That is why I am very firm on telling you to do whatever you can to get your family to understand this and SUPPORT YOU as much as possible. And the boyfriend? Well if he loves you, then this will be a big test, he should take you for walks and help you by maybe taking you for a drive or a museum or something to take your mind away from constantly living this.

You NEED TIME sweetheart, and it will begin to make sense to you more. But I am not going to lie, I am still struggling myself, but I am much better than last year.
My big problem is that I am still addressing crippled animals, big debt, and a lawsuit that is desgined to make me wait and suffer. I almost wanted to rant here again today. My neighbor is just going on with their lives while my life has been hell. I have to say, it is very hard some days.

But you have to make yourself go to therapy and allow yourself to work through this.
Know that when you talk like this, it is the PTSD talking and you WILL eventually gain control over it.

Now, I took Klonopin for four years in order to sleep at night and it lasts around 8 hours. Maybe you need to try that, ask your pdoc. You need something to help you get through this hard part IMO.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

I'm sorry about your debt and lawsuit etc... and the animals. My boyfriend has PTSD as well because he was raped at 5 years old(by a female) and then again raped by one of his best male friends from age 17-23. He feels I'm the only one that cares about him and I hear that people care for me but my mind thinks that no one cares, I'm better off dead... life just sucks anyway, everything is my fault etc... great... now I'm about to cry again. God I hate this!

Ok, ok, calm down, that is the PTSD talking in your last line. Sweetheart you have to not feed into those feelings. You have to give yourself a chance to work through this trama. Look, no one deserves to feel the way you do, no one. And you HAVE to set a part of yourself aside to come in to help comfort you when you feel like this. I know you are a good person, so use that good in you to talk to yourself and remind yourself that this is just some of the thoughts your brain runs through while working through the PTSD. Because that is exactly what happens you know. These are emotional questions taking place. Your poor brain is trying very hard to sort this out. You really deserve to take care of it and help it along, always remember that sweetheart. The human brain is such a wonderful thing and it really tries hard to help us get back on track. We have to let ourselves work with it and keep telling ourselves to be kind to ourselves NO MATTER WHAT we are working through.

I know about what you are feeling right now, I have gone through it, and I did learn IT DOES PASS. So don't feed into it NO MATTER WHAT. You will get through this part and gradually calm down.

((((Hugs, Hugs and more warm Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Hi Justgivealittle
I really hope you can beleive that PTSD does get better. You will feel better. There is hope.
I really understand that hopeless feeling you have;it creeps up on my every so often. Please be gentler with yourself. Things like this take time.
Anytime you want to talk, I'm around here...just holler.

Hey Calista! thank you very much for your encouragement! I am just so sick of waking up everytime multime times a night with nightmares about this crap. I'm so done with it!

If I can ask....Does your therapist know about the nightmares? I ask because there are meds that can help with them. Not sleeping meds but Beta Blockers. I wish you well. I know how awful the nightmares can be.

well I was on Prazosin aka minipress for the nightmares and flashbacks. They put me on it while I was in the hospital because I had an SU attempt in february. I had to talk to someone from my friendship program early this morning because I was scared to go to sleep. I was up til 3a.m. and here it is 7a.m. and I woke up with bad dreams twice. Its depressing and makes me depressed and agitated etc... *Sigh* and I know its due to that I'm not over any of these rapes that have happened(especially not the one from October) and I have an anniversary coming up Monday for one of my rapes.

((((justgivealittle)))),

Oh sweetheart, I went through that too and I agree that it is difficult. I was afraid to go to sleep too so I hear you. Can you schedule extra appointments to work on this?
Can you be in a support group with other survivors of rape? You need to keep hearing that this will eventually ease up. I know that exhaustion myself and it can be a challenge. You have to talk it out as much as you need to. You have to really understand that this is not your fault and to not blame yourself. Yes, many women go through this and you are not the only one so you have to be patient with yourself.

Oh, I know this is a big challenge, like I said, I have been through this but with therapy and time I slowly got a chance to calm down and even rest better.

I am here, know the difficult journey and offering support and listening.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Thank you so much! Well I have an appointment with my community support worker Monday and I have a feeling every staff at friendship will be meeting with me to make sure things are okay.

Your welcome hon, you have been sorting through some very difficult experiences. As I said, I went through this myself and felt like I was not going to break free of the constant hauntings at night. It took me time to realize that my brain was trying very hard to sort it out emotionally. I have to learn to help myself calm down and remind myself constantly that it was in my past and I had to work on coming to terms with it.

This is not going to be a forever thing, I know it feels that way, but you will begin to ease up with time. Remember, your brain is trying to find a way to sort through the emotions and also learn how to be at peace with it too. It will get better and make sure you try very hard NOT to let yourself feed into it , because it only makes it harder. I know the feelings of just wanting to end, oh, I really struggled with that too, but I learned that I could work through it, and it will ease up.

Remember, when we sleep our brains sort things out and if we work on the trama during the day, well, it is going to try to sort it out at night too. As your brain slowly finds places to store these events yes, you may be disturbed for a while. But you have to be patient with this sweetheart. I had to learn this too and it will ease up.
You have to make sure you don't feed into it during the day with too much anger and resentment to yourself, that is what your brain will be confused about at night.

You have to make sure that you ARE VERY LOVING AND KIND AND FORGIVING OF YOURSELF. And that will help calm your brain down.

Now I know there is a lot of anger, and it can turn inward and it can feel like you just want to check out. But that WILL PASS so dont feed into it. Make sure NO MATTER WHAT, you keep reminding yourself that you will get through this and just be patient.
Dont think you have to get this done in any specific time line, just resign yourself that whatever time it takes, it takes. It will make it easier.

(((( Big warm hugs)))))
Open Eyes