Child Support Hearing-Another Court Date

OK, I've been struggling this past week and have not been in a good place.
My just 3 more months of no action and then we will be safe has not come.
I rcvd notification that there is a cs hearing coming up soon that I am suppossed to go to. I have decided NOT to go. Whereas my ex is simply trying to get a reduction, it is the state going after him.
I do not care about cs and know that whether I go or not it will be reduced. I do not care! Let him do the dance with the state. I have never rcvd a dime nor do I want a dime. NOR WILL HE EVER PAY A DIME FOR CS OR THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT WERE COURT ORDERED FOR ATTORNEY FEES. My desire is freedom from him and safety for my son and I. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE $.
My presnce was requested to give testomy in the issue- there is nothing to testify as I haven't spoken to him for the past 1 1/2 year and wont for another 8 years due to a restraining order against him. Court issued.
This is another play on his part to try and "win" at a game that is utter nonsence.
My fear is that if it reduced (even though i know he will never pay) He will come after us for partial custody.Something he doesn't really want but as a way to hurt and continue to have control over me. It is a sick game he plays. I am strggling to be logical about this and not look to the future.
There is no DNA that he is the father and we were not married. He files motions himself then never shows up...which has cost me so much $ to protect us. There is no money left. I would request DNA in a heatbeat if I KNEW he was not the father.
I must trust that the judge will see through him and this. I cannot participate, at leaste not for cs. If custody were at question (I have sole) that would be different. That will be his next step..I FEAR..if he is given any slack. I however know it will be reduced regardless so why subject myself to this...his lies or his pity games.
Any input would be appreciated. Please understand my mental stability on this subject is delicate and my fears very real.
I can't emotionally see him and see no more point of this nonsence. What bothers me and what I am concerned about is that if I don't go they will cut my childs medicaid (I don't have private insurance for him)I was never served papers and although I have always followed the rules... but without being served any papers... I suppose this was just notification and request.?? Standard paperwork?? Regardless it has me up in arms.

I don't know! To go or not. I guess I have answered my question but would really appreciate feedback. I have made it point to cut all ties from him or mutual aquientencies and I'm afraid if I go he will "learn" more about me and pursue "other" avenues to hurt me. I would rather stay invisible.

Please if you can, provide some insight I could be over looking.

Thank you

(((Cotton ball))),

I think that you are making the right choice. ANY choice that you make that results in YOU feeling better, it the best choice. I feel you are right, why give him any claim to that child, the freedom from him having any rights to your child is priceless. You have soul custody, and if I were you, I would not want to ever put that in jeoperdy.

The farther we can distance abusers, the better in my opinion. You are a good person and deserve peace.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Thank you Open.
"Family law" is complicated in my state...There are no links links between DV or custody. He still has rights..LOL, when my old attorney suggested I should move I didn't get. Where would I go? she robbed me blind... regardless it's gonna be ok.
I'm gonna pray that this one works itself out. I have fought enough battles. CS is nonsence. Maybe just maybe the judge will have common sence. Hmmm. maybe yes, or no, highly unlikely. We shall see. However I'm not going to subject myself to that...regardless I couldn't afford it anyway. $60 for a sitter plus $30 for parking just to deal with that. I THINK NOT! Food and diapers are more important.

You are doing the RIGHT thing by refusing to subject yourself to his unwanted presence and spending money on THAT vs your son. Really glad that you're being so vigilant about your physical and emotional safety, that's real great work Cotton ball

Cottonball your fears are valid, he is playing games.

Do you have any safe houses where you are? You could try and get an advocate to help you navigate though his games. An advocate could show up for you and speak for you at court too(depending on the rules where you live)

I got got really lucky with this issue. The ex in my case just came after me and ignored our daughter. He didn't bother trying to use the courts because the first judge threw the book at him, he also never paid a cent and I didn't care either. As long as he left our daughter out of it that was fine. My ex was better at manipulating the cops than the courts but at those two first hearings where he had to see a psychiatrist, was ordered to pay, was ordered to get help, was ordered..... In his words I had them flimflammed and damed if he was ever going to deal with those bastards again. I had an advocate from the battered womans shelter and she had a ton of resources and ways to talk to court, and I didn't ever have to show up anywhere where he was. No documents ever listed our address(my daughters and mine). You are doing the right thing not playing his games--the court should know better than that. They should not be asking you to show up any where near him. You take care of yourself and your son. Be safe.

(((Sidestepper)))
Thank you. I'm not going to go. I could only hurt not do anything positive.
If he gets any slack he will again try for partial custody-mind you he only wanted 2 "weekdays" and EVERY holiday but thats where the danger lies...ANY CONTACT. What he wanted was for me to PAY life insurance in case he should die and not be able to pay cs. The absurdity!! Sound funny....Ugh and the list goes on...
He did rcv court supervised for 10 visits and didn't even comply with that..he charmed his way out of it although they should have closed the case. He's done nothing on the custody avenue since they ended 6 months ago...
Yep, restraining orders are only paper, mine still does drive bys. And anger management, mental health evaluations...man he has gotten so much leeway its simply absurd. Yes and he was ORDERED as well.
Lets hope the judge doesn't give him any slack. If he gets that for anything as "trivial" as cs (which he won't pay) he will again start this up again. It's time for this to end.
Thank you...we will be safe! I MAKE it a point.
I can only hope and pray things will go ok and he is done with this and US. I know hes not, however with time comes my peace of mind and a lessoned chance of him getting any custody rights. Time for me to rebuild and save and get out of dodge.
The utter lunacy is that he is not even a citizen, and has used tax dollars to get his assult felonies sealed..the only think linking them now is this RO-The only smart thing I ever did with respect to him.
There is no understanding this lunacy!
How do they do it? Seriousely.

Don't know about your's, but my ex was diagnosed a sociopath, thats how he did it. A student of mimicking human behavior although he had no real feelings himself. Full of confidence and charm, nothing was EVER his fault, never.

He could and did charm cops into letting him out of jail for minor infractions, they would over look the RO because without meeting me, he could talk them into believing I was the crazy one!! And he is Deaf, doesn't speak a word. It is freaking scary that the cops do not understand guys/gals like this. They are subposed to be the blue line protection us against people like that. I know there's good cop's I have met them, but it seemed like the uninformed outnumbered the good ones.

It does get better. My daughter is 29 now and about to have her first child. She hasn't had any contact with him for 16 years, her choice.

Well it has started again. I am afraid but trying to keep grounded.
The court date has come and gone and I rcvd my first cs check. The first and only I will ever rcv. Something must have happened because it was paid that same day. I assume he got a reduction...regardless, I don't care.
I rcvd a text from an unknown number with his company name and a lol statement. He clearly thinks he won at something. So it has started again.
I made the mistake of going to the police to report the violation of the restraining order. They were no help and said they could do nothing but talk to him. THAT WILL ONLY ANGER HIM MORE. He will surely come after us now., he will now react and start custody issues again. I am afraid and tired. I cried and begged the police officer to let it go and just disregard the police report that was filed. He said he couldn't and wouldn't. What he failed to realize or accept is the fact that this will only anger my ex and he will now fight and harrass me more than ever. He had me speak to a victims advocate person in the police station, she got it, but didn't really understand that he will continue. That I had to be strong, ect., ect., ect.,. Well that was a waste of time and energy.
Today I will pray that police report is pushed aside and that cop (head of the division) will do nothing. When I tried to explain this would only anger my ex and if there was nothing he could do, please don't do anything. Words will mean nothing. That my ex if angered would only go after custody as a result. He stated that was out of his department and that was for the courts to decide custody issues. HE DID NOT GET IT!!
My mistake, I should have just let this go. Ignored the harrassement. Now a can of worms has been opened and my ex will surely be angrier than ever.
It was suggested that I see a therapist to help me. WTF?? How am I the bad or crazy one here? I don't want money, don't want cs, I just want to be left alone. Now I have surely angered someone who thinks this is a game. I'm scared and worried now more than ever
God how I pray for peace.
Please pray for me because I'm out of options...damn why did I even bother going to the police. RO's mean nothing unless you are almost killed.

There is no point of trying to protect myself any longer. I look crazy. Why did I cry. This cop was such a jerk. Why did I even bother. This was the only "bad cop" I have dealt with..EVER. I didn't even want him arrested just have the incident documented in case something happened to me. The cop didn't care he just told me "there must be something else youre not telling me". Well the length of the RO, assault and battery felonies meant nothing!!! I'm CRAZY. OK, I GET IT...I ****ING CRAZY. I'M THE BAD GUY!!! For the love of god when will this end!!!

(((Cotton ball))),

Oh, the thought of even thinking of myself in that position is bringing me nothing but confusion and I can't think of what I would do to handle that. I can't blame you for feeling the way you do, how frustrating this whole situation must be, oh I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, oh, I can't blame you for feeling like you are so unheard right now. Geez, one would think that by now your situation would be obvious and there would be a way that it could be handled that would bring you a sense of safety from this preditor. Oh, I don't think you are crazy at all my friend, I can see how this would only bring you added stress.

I don't even know where to tell you to go to get help with this situation, there must be some kind of support for this problem somewhere. Well, you are certainly "NOT CRAZY" my friend, this is a real concern and I cant blame you for being upset and feeling vulnerable and unprotected.

Have you searched the net to see if there are advocacy groups out there to assist in this kind of situation? Surely there must be some kind of help for this, you are not the only one that is experiencing this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers Cotton, I just wish I had the right answer for you.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

(((Open))),
Thank you. At this point I don't think there are anymore right answers. I try and continue to fail. I'm just so tired.
Between my ex, relations with my mother, and confronting my childhood I have become tired, overwhelmed, I am reaching that state of "numbness".
I have no more friends, by choice (with the exception of one person), and meeting new people seems so hard to do. Working, raising my son, while looking for a "real job" in my industry has and is taking its toll on me. My thereapist retired so I think its time to start looking for a new one. I can't do this anymore.
I am alone. I have to find I way to deal with this for my son. I will contine to try but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I am so very tired. I have my son and I love him. That must be my motivating factor to go on...to try...to continue.
I can't give up. It's not an option. I'm just so tired! I just want peace.

(((Cotton ball)),

Oh I hear you and can definitely relate to that state of mind. The only right answer right now is to give yourself permission to slow down as much as you can and try very hard " not" to allow yourself to go to all the negetive could happens. I had to figure out how to do that myself and my T told me to try to allow myself to ride with the wave instead of pushing against it. It is not easy to do that at all, but when there is so much that you cannot possibly fight, you have to learn that you have to take on one thing at a time as best as you can.

Regular people are only going to be work for you, because regular people do not understand PTSD. So I think what you should start with Cotton, is trying to locate a new therapist that specializes in treating PTSD and will be there for you. You really need to develope a support system right now, but with people that will "know" how to support you.

I don't know if you have a diagnosis right now but if you do find a therapist and get a proper dianosis you may be able to seek SSDI for a while while you work on getting your life together. Yes, I know you want a "real" job but you have to get yourself in a better place psychologically right now, and in order to do that you have to establish a "safe" supportive environment for you and your son right now first.

PTSD can be worked through Cotton, but in order for you to gain on that you have to establish the right kind of environment for yourself first. I just wish I had some links for you to get started with that, but all I can think of is finding a good therapist that can recognize where you are and can help you work on getting yourself in that "safe" environment you deserve right now. This "being very tired" feeling you are having now is something you need to listen to, and what it means is that you have to slow down and get someone on your side that understands that you are struggling with PTSD and you need time out to work on that "first". There "are" good therapists out there Cotton. I don't know what area you live in or if you even live in the USA. But see what you can find online. Do some research and make up your mind that is where you are going to start first.

Come and vent or whatever you need here as well. At least you will be able to share with others that know the struggle with PTSD and can be here for you so you don't feel alone.

Open Eyes

Thank you Open,
Yes, I did have a very good T, who worked and specialized in abuse and PTSD and FULLY understood the pathology of my ex (we worked together for a year before he retired). He retired around 3 months ago. My dx was PTSD..who knows, maybe I do need an SSRI, instead of the just the axiety meds. Regardless, I need to find another T. Maybe a womens support group wouldn't be such a bad idea either, my T had wanted me to go to one but I didn't..
Thank you
Hugs,
Cotton

I remember talking with you about the therapist situation. Could he or would he recommend someone that he trusts and that has experience with the issues you have?
There are always right answers. They just may not be easy to follow through on.
I hate seeing you being intimidated like this by your ex. That seems to be problem 1.
I really think you should get in touch with that womens support group. They are likely to know this type of situation (vindictive exes) well and have good suggestions on coping with it. Keep fighting

No what I mean is SSDI, so that is social security disablity benefits that you can apply for that can be used to help you pay bills etc so you have some space to get your life back together.

Although some therapists do recommend antidepressants to help with the PTSD. Yes you could look into that as well but that would require a pdoc as well.

I am surprized that your T didn't have someone he could recommend you to. Ususally they know others in their field.

Thank you,
He was pro-bono through a local church and the only GOOD therapist I ever met. He did make suggestions and offered to do a group session with a new T-so I would feel safe. I thought I could do it on my own and to be honest did not WANT to start over with someone new. REGARDLESS I'm gonna call my old T today.
P-docs- don't like them or trust them, but something to consider...I feel like I'm running out of options-and frankly I am tired and scared.
As far as dissability that could only be used against me..if my ex claims I'm crazy. I'm working 50 hours now so I think I'm going to slow down to 30 while focusing on sending my resumes out to real jobs. I'm just so TIRED of all of this. I need to find balance...for my son and I.
If I'm doing something wrong, its time to search for a new way.
As far as my ex- well he is not vindictive-he is pure evil. I need to focus on our safety..Lets hope that cop does not make this situation worse. My ex will come after us with a vengenance.
(((Thank you)))

Oh yes, I can understand not wanting to put the energy into a new T. I would not want that either. And I can understand your being uncomfortable with psychiatrists too, they can get you on all kinds of medications. I didn't have very good experiences with them myself. I am glad I didn't take all the medications that were suggested to me, now I see adds where people are sueing because of bad side effects. I get so I don't know who to trust so you are not alone in that sentiment.

Oh, I can see why you would hesitate in not wanting to be thought of a crazy, yes I held back in adding my psychological issues in my lawsuit because I felt that the battle would be about "my mental health and all of my private life".

Well, I think your calling your old T is a start because you really should get a therapist that can help you through all of this, and can help you manage the PTSD, you really do need that. You have a lot on your shoulders and you need to have someone you can share with that you can trust that can help you keep yourself on steady ground psychologically.

Please know that we are always here to support you and just listen. I picture you as a very strong woman who definitely doesn't deserve to have such a toxic person in her life. A support group may have some ideas and avenues of protection that you are not aware of right now. It is always so much help to be around others that understand you and are there to really listen so see if you can try to look into that this time ok?

I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Please keep us updated.

(((Big supportive hugs for you Cotton))))
Open Eyes

Thank you Open,
I called my old T and we are having lunch tommorow. It was good to speak to him. He's going to help me find a new T and assist me in finding and pursuing new avenues.
I'm tired and am slowing down on my hours..Sleep deprevation has taken its toll. I'm weak and my body hurts. Stress, acid reflux, and ulcers is no way to live. Pulling out my own stitches because there is no time to go back to the hospital makes it very clear I am pushing myself to hard. The fact that accident even happened says allot in itself. I've cut back on my hours. 2 hours here and there to add up to 50 a week is not cutting it. 2 hours before the baby wakes up, an hour
at nap time, evening stretches after he sleeps is and has taken its toll on me physically. I need to take better care of myself. Eat and find a way to sleep.
Yes, those who don't have PTSD don't get it. Thoese not in my situation don't get it. Yes, I need to care for me and care for my son. I'm no used to him sick and tired.
Yes Open...ride the wave...that is exactly what I must do. I can't fight it any longer.
Thank you. Tonight I will sleep. No more nightmares and flashbacks, by body is simply too tired to fight any longer.
Ride the wave-my new motto.
Thank you.

Good Cotton, you are taking some important steps to self care. Let me us know how your lunch goes tomarrow. I am so glad you called your old T, he can help you.

Nite, I will pray you have a restful nights sleep.

(((Many gentle hugs to you))))
Open Eyes

How did he get your text info? That should be blocked from him. I hope the court wasn't dumb enough to give it to him.

I truly get that the cops just don't have a clue. They really don't, not even the female cops. Please for your child's sake, no matter how tired of all this crap you are don't give in to him or the cops. If necessary find a safe-house you can go to at a moments notice if necessary. Keep remembering it's about keeping you and your child safe, let him play his games don't get tired and fall for his head games. Keep your head up knowing theres a lot of us out there that have gotten away from creeps like that and you can too. It just takes a lot of persistences. Sometimes it feels like loneliness, but you will find other women and men too in the same position. If you find the advocates, they can help put you in touch with others and then it doesn't feel so overwhelming and alone.

You can let out all the frustrations here, we will listen and never judge you. Let it rip, just let us know, its the built up crap that is over flowing so we know you are not serious about acting on anything.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm going to see my old T in a few hours so that will do me good. Clearly I cannot do this alone without a T or support network.
I had a good nights sleep of 5 full hours and it felt great.
Sidestepper, giving up, giving in, is not an option. I need to detatch for now and "see clearly" the games he playing. Sadly, they aren't games on my end but clarity is important. If drive bys, texts throw me into such a frenzy its time to stop...as much as possible. It is games, intimidation all based on control on his end. Ironically he simply doesn't care...I am now dealing with the aftermath of him.
I park in differnt places everyday, try to change up my routine, avoid any and all people or places he could know or go. I try to stay invisible.
I used to keep an "emergency bag" with cash and important paperwork in case I did need to leave. I got rid of that bag awhile ago but maybe its time to restock it and stay prepared. If only for my peace of mind...safety first. LOL, I'm the only woman I know of who walks around with mosqito repellant in her purse, as pepper spray is illegal. Its not funny but very sad.
Lots to discuss with my old T. I hope this will go well. I had a great amount of respect for him. He is old, but really understands. I hope he will assist me in finding a new T. I'm sure he will, he said he would, he does care. On a T level. He is a good man.
One step at a time.
My mind is running circles. Time to stop, regroup and rethink.
Thank you
(((Many hugs)))
Cotton

Your old T sounds like a great place to start. I bet he'll have some great resources to connect with and he knows the real deal and can connect you to the right people so you don't have to waste time doing that. Getting that bag ready is a great idea too. It might feel like a step back but, it is taking care of you and your son and that comes first.

If I insinuated in any way you were playing games I never meant that, you are too busy trying to survive to have time for games. You can use a safe outlet to let out steam, you can do here on PC--but you just need to be clear that it is venting so we know it's a safety valve, and nothing to worry about. With everything you are worrying about you need someplace safe to vent, thats all I meant. I had a close friend when I went though all my crap with I could fantasize with her and she knew it was just venting. it felt great then and we had some great laughs then I could get back to being a mom. Somehow despite him, I was able to to the PTA, but then he never went after my daughter, just me. Best of luck. Hope your old T gives you lots of choices.