in trouble due to triggering

I am trouble at school because of something that happened when I was highly triggered and had taken Ambien. I ended up writing an email with sexual content that is offensive, but I didn't realize it until two days later when she brought it up.

I addressed the concerns she had, explained the circumstances, and then made many suggestions about boundaries for future limits in contact.

I thought that it was resolved, but she shared the email with her supervisor, who then shared it with the director so I was called in for a meeting, where it was pretty clear to me that they had already made a decision before hearing what I had to say. I suspect that because they had already made an appointment with the director of training at my school in advance and expected me to be there shortly after the meeting without giving me notice until the end of the meeting.

So I had to go through the same thing again, this time with one of my professors also present. The email had been shared already so they really didn't want to hear too much about the things I had done about it, which were responsible and professional.

In the end, I am now pulled from the agency where I was doing my work and also have to go through some sort of review board of the faculty so I will continue to have to talk about these very disturbing things to complete strangers. And it might circulate through the faculty to people I had intended to work with in the future so it is damaging in so many ways.

Right now I don't feel much emotion because I had a full day of having to be in these meetings and be contained and professional. But I have a feeling that it will catch up with me sooner than later. And need some support from people who actually have lived through trauma and know what it feels like and what it can do to your life.

(((iota))),

You say this is happening in a "school" environment, there must be a guidance councelor, perhaps a school psychologist that you can see about this. That is where you need to go in order to get help with this IMO.

I have been triggered myself and reacted in a way that was not the best way to handle something. I know that can happen when challenged with PTSD, and it is very hard to explain it to people who have no clue what the challenge of PTSD is.

It is very important that you get the right support with this because with PTSD it is easy to get to a point where you turn that anger inward and can have some bad thoughts, that really isn't "fair to you". I have experienced that route first hand so I know what a challenge it can be and how important it is to find a way to get understood and work it out.

(((iota))), LISTEN, (((I believe you))), and I believe you are also very challenged right now and you want to be able to explain this and be given a chance to work through it and that you are not a bad person either. That is why you need to get help from someone that can be able to support you with this. So today, you have to make it a point to find a professional that can be an ally for you so you don't get overwhelmed.

Can you do this and let us know how you make out? We are here and listening and supporting you.

(((Big Supportive Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I have a therapist already, who has been in close touch during this period. He is also a psychiatrist and an analyst as well. I've been seeing him for a long time, but he is busy and also hasn't experienced this level of trauma, though he has certainly seen many cases and also knows of many cases in which Ambien produces very strange reactions.

The problem the school has is that I'm training to be a psychologist so are worried about putting me in the field with clients, where I was just running workshops, nothing heavy. I certainly understand their concerns, but I feel judged as being completely out of control when this is one instance that has never happened before and is unlikely to happen again. And they only see the PTSD part without the Ambien, which doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe if someone can explain it, I could try to understand it better. Triggering alone wouldn't have produced what happened. Maybe at some time in the past that might have been possible, but I've been in analysis for 12 years and things have settled down.

Unfortunately, you are right to suspect the way it gets to you. Last night my analyst wasn't sure if he should call a welfare check, and he last words to me almost at midnight, were about whether I could promise to be here today.

It's just so painful to have to go through this awful stuff with complete strangers, judging you and evaluating you, and then the prospect of a whole review board and ongoing process where I have to comply makes me feel not just a great deal of pain, but actually retraumatized.

Things are getting deeper in therapy, which is painful but a good thing. Unfortunately, though at school I'm learning more about the committee I have to meet with. I don't like this. It should be private, and I shouldn't have to talk about such things with strangers. I also feel betrayed by the supposed friend who shared the email with her supervisor, even after I apologized and explained that I was both triggered and had taken medication so had no recollection of writing it. This replicates aspects of trauma I've been through where betrayal was a serious factor. It's really difficult to even be in class with and pretend that nothing is wrong. For a while I was so hypervigilant that I felt like I was going to turn a corner at school and be attacked. I'm starting to calm down a little, but it's still not easy. And this process will drag out because of the committee meeting, which won't be until March. I don't like feeling judged by one single email that I didn't even know I had written. It's skewing the whole way people see me and feels really unfair.

I had a similar experience when I was going back for my masters (in friends of the committee and public discussion of my personal affairs, along with decisions made without including me inn the conversation). I became very triggered working with domestic violence clients in my internship. I was also struggling to catch up with work from the previous semester because my first internship did not go well (I was told multiple times that it was the supervisors fault, and they will twinks her from the list of approved supervisors for the school). I switched mid-semester, and was have to complete the more advanced work for it on time. Then I became triggered from working with the dv clients. I had a lot of trouble keeping up with the work. I tried talking to my advisors about it. The dean off the school then made the decision to suspend me for the rest of the semester. I was supposed to have a meeting with the dean and others to discuss readmission tho the school in the fall. I called and wrote letters requesting my hearing date with no response... needless to say I never returned. I hope that is not the case with you.

Inn surprised they are not taking the ambien into account. There have been countless care of people getting into even legal trouble while under the influence of that med... I'm surprised outs still being prescribed. if you can, I would surgery finding another sleep med (lunesta is just as bad) and presenting cases of trouble ad a result of taking the med. I would look for police reports with ambien or lunesta cited as culprits... I took the med briefly but stopped after having self injured badly while on it, with no memories of doing it. I was also once found naked in freezing weather walking my dogs in the middle of the night (my neighbor confronted me on it the next day or I would have never known)... scary stuff that drug.

I hope things turn it ok for you.

Thanks so much for responding. I'm sorry to hear your story though. It doesn't feel fair at all. I don't think they are going to take that kind of action. Mainly I have to repeat this year's practicum training next year. But I don't like the idea of people only having one email and without any thing else to go on or talking to strangers about very private matters. I didn't become triggered at the site itself. This was a note to a "friend" at school who happened also to be at the same site. They generalized the situation to make it sound like I do this all the time and might do this to a client so they withdrew me basically without hearing my side of the story. And of course the "friend" didn't include the apology letter with the initial email either.

My shrink is prepared to write a letter that will include his years of clinical experience with people doing uncharacteristic things on Ambien. I have stopped taking it, but the replacement (Dalmane) doesn't work as well so I'm struggling to get used to it so I can sleep better.

I'm really sorry that you had such awful experiences with Ambien. It sounds terrible. I have known people who have done things on that drug, but I hadn't had any problems so I didn't feel worried.

((iota)),

I am glad you have someone who can vouge for how this particular drug can have this side effect. I am sorry you have to go through all of this. If anything as you find your way through it, it will always be something you can tap on if you get to the place where you are with a patient that is challenged in a similar way.

Pay attention to everything you feel, self observing is very important, then do some "healing self talk" with every step you take through this experience.

I hope everything works out well for you, all experiences are things we work through then add to our repetour for helping others, especially in the field you want to be involved in.

I've been able to calm down considerably as my therapist said would happen. The triggering is over, and though I feel nervous about what will happen, I'm trying to return to my normal routine.

In addition, I'm actually making appointments with faculty that I already know to get advice. They might hear about this anyway so I want to make sure they hear my side first. But I also want to show that I'm trying to be responsible by seeking out consultation. It's taking a lot of inner courage that I don't exactly feel like I have to approach people that have a good impression of me and potentially ruin that with this information, but I don't like pretending nothing is going on either. I hope that a face to face meeting individually with each of them will show their more understanding and humane sides. No one has talked about this in "punishment" terms; they don't seem to see what I did as "bad behavior" in that sense. Rather they see it as a psychological problem that I need help with. The thing is that there was only a short window in which I was triggered and an even shorter period when I was under the influence of Ambien so I have some difficulty seeing why they see this as a longer term issue, but I guess institutions that involve work with outside clients need to be extra careful. They imagined that if I could write such a note without knowing it to a friend at school, I could have acted that way toward a client, which seems to me only based on a fantasy of the worst possible situation and a judgement of my character, not based on any knowledge of what I'm actually like or how I have performed and been professional up to this point. The people I had to meet with so far were complete strangers who didn't know anything about me. The people that I have chosen to get some advice from know me a little bit better and I hope will be more inclined to try to understand and help me going into the future.

Still the bottom line is that this is private and even the email I consider private so I feel forced to talk about personal matters that I don't think I should have to talk about. I chose the path of being open to show a willingness to confront the issues and cooperate, but since then I've developed more of a sense that it isn't really good for me to talk about such personal things with people who don't know me. I don't really know how to manage this dilemma so I've decided to go ahead and try to trust some faculty to get their opinions though I'm still not sure that this is the right approach.

I was on the receiving end of a similar type email, from my therapist. That's how I ended up at PC. He still says it was a server problem, that he did not purposely address the email to me instead of his girlfriend. I have 30 years experience as a computer programmer and have never encountered such a computer error. The point is, we needed to be able to talk about it, not sweep it under the rug. The whole incident helped me see him as a human being and be able to really trust him for the first time. So many good things have happened as a result of this incident. I hope the same happens for you.

((iota)),

I think that you are taking all the right steps. Keep a part of you that is "a professional" that is advising self in how to handle this situation. That will also show up as you address this issue with other professionals.

I think that in the overall view, they are trying to take the right steps in making sure a possible therapist is not going to perhaps deal with patients if they need some help they are not seeing themselves. It is no secret that there have been problems in the field already with psychologists that caused harm to patients because they had not addressed their own issues first. If you were in "their" shoes you would probably have the same concerns.

Also before you talk to the other teachers or professionals, try to put yourself in their position and what you would need to see/hear to recognize that the person coming to you with this issue is sincere.

Open Eyes

I realize that they have ethical codes and other reasons for checking this out. I said that at the two meetings I've already attended.

Still it feels very invasive. I just got out of session where my analyst said that he thought the relationship was "sacred" and wouldn't allow the institution to impinge upon that. While he is willing to talk about the strange effects of Ambien and how this was out of character, he is more reluctant to comply with any potential "reporting" that he might have to do to the university. He has his own ethical codes and concerns to uphold as well.

So I don't know what will happen if they set up some sort of "plan" that requires me to "show progress" when for one thing this was a one time event and now it's over. And for another my analyst doesn't feel it's right to have to break my confidentiality and privacy when there isn't a crisis situation which is the only lawful reason to do so.

Unfortunately the other problem is that the way the incident is happening is replicating aspects of trauma that I've experienced so I'm having to fight against letting that get to me. I was betrayed by this supposed friend at school, who didn't have to report on me since I had handled it well and professionally already. I'm still in classes with her so I have to take extra effort to make sure that I don't act any differently.

I can't wait until this situation is over. The last two days I was so absorbed with this that I was unable to do any of my school work, just curled up in bed, wrote in my journal, and tried to sleep when I could. I can't keep doing that. I have too much to take care of and don't want to get depressed either.

I think legally, the only thing the school can really ask is if your analyst thinks you are capable of functioning at a professional level. No details need to be given... I think... It's a tough situation. I would probably handle it much like you are... (hugs)

My analyst is prepared to write that he doesn't think this incident has any bearing on my abilities as a clinician and also that it was completely out of character due to the Ambien, which he has plenty of experience with causing strange behaviors. He has been in practice for more than 30 years and since he is board certified in psychopharmacology, unlike the psychologists at my school, his opinion is more expert than theirs.

Perhaps when they have a better sense of the actual facts in context they will not require that much more of me, but somehow I think I need to be prepared in case they blow this up into a big deal, which is what has happened so far but they didn't really listen to me in the first go around. If that is repeated, I will feel badly treated. It already feels unfair, getting judged based on one email instead of being taken as a whole person who has performed in exemplary ways. What I did on Ambien shouldn't be used to judge my character or clinical skills. If they want true evidence of that, they should look elsewhere, but I am not finding that to be the case so far. I also think there is a bias going on that I'm not sure I should bring up. The sexual content of the email is not heterosexual; it is queer and a little on the kinky side so I believe that it is creating a stronger reaction than if it were more "normal" sexuality. Part of the email describes watching a film that has a transsexual in it. Yes, it is pornography and so not appropriate, but it's not like people don't watch pornography ever or talk about it with others. I didn't make any sexual advances or remarks toward the friend, just reported watching this film and went on to discuss other things. I still believe this has nothing to do with my abilities as a clinician. I have worked with traumatized clients and never gotten triggered before. It is a bit of a leap to assume that I would always and forever be triggered and write things like this to a client. I don't think this is a well-reasoned or fair position to hold; it's based on more of gut level reaction by people who only have this one thing about me to go on.