[JaneC]

Crying that is. I wonder if anyone can relate?

I got some really bad news last week. My employer had led me to believe I would be able to work part time while at uni this year(I start in 5 weeks), but last week they told me no. This is NOT GOOD. Means in 5 weeks I can not afford to live...FLIP! (Insert expletive)

So after this news I have been frantically trying to sort something, anything.....and nothing has worked out.

Anyway....the problem now is, after an horrendous xmas period emotionally I thought I may be able to do some work in therapy on my emotions etc and past trauma. Now.....no. I find I have shut down completely, I simply can not allow myself to FEEL ANYTHING. For if I do......I am afraid I will be consumed, I will not be able to stop the tears if I start. I can occasionally feel something begin to well up, but I shut it off immediately and "I am fine" jumps into my head.

I notice that I am now hyper vigilant, jumping even more at any sound around the house and strangly.....something I have never done before, I am taking my phone to bed with me, "just in case" I tell myself, but I have no idea in case of what?

I wish I could even figure out what I am feeling, I think it would probably be good to cry to vent to something.....but there is no one else that can sort this problem out for me, I have no one to rely on......so I have to be able to remain logical, practical & functioning and not allow any emotions to overwhelm me.

It does feel like I might burst soon though..............

[Leah123]

You make perfect sense to me and I have had those periods also.

I believe your increased hypervigilance and sense of wariness about being prepared "just in case" is classic PTSD stemming from the extra stress of your work plans changing and from holding back your emotions: that blockage puts a strain on us and it's easier to get defensive and overwhelmed while we do it, so our safety system goes on alert.

You will stop crying, though. I know it's probably crazy-difficult to believe that, as I've been SO sure I wouldn't either, but we inevitably do.

My advice: take good care of yourself and get all the support you can. I surely hope things smooth out for you soon. Making myself safer is usually the best way to get my emotions flowing again.

[JaneC]

Thanks for responding Leah. At the moment I really have no single person I can turn to with all my 'stuff', apart from my T, and I absolutely HAVE to keep it all together. So I feel like the only place I can come for even a little understanding and maybe support is here.

Its quite sad really.

On some level I guess I know that I am trying to make myself feel safe, or at least wishing I could. I agree that getting all the support I can would be ideal, but I do not have a big support system, so my T it is.....but I am even wary of seeing him right now. Gah!

[lightcatcher]

I'm sorry to hear that your in this space at the moment jane. Reading your posts I thought damn I feel that too! I don't feel like I have anyone but T and it's been something like 5 weeks so far and another lot of that to go before I see T again.
I've always thought that if I cry it won't stop, we have discussed that in a couple of sessions. I have come to believe that I do this for control, when everything else is going down stream at least I can control not crying or feeling! It's a nice way to fool myself, but it's not a true way.
Don't shy away from your T, this is a time to talk it out, even with a little tear

[JaneC]

This is the problem lightcatcher. when I go to see my T I almost always feel like crying, and most often now I do to one extent or another. It took me months to be a little ok with that.

Last week, I was not ok with it...I could not allow it. Thanks for the insight into control, it makes complete sense to me.

So now what have I gone and done? I emailed and cancelled this weeks appointment, I really need it, but I have my son at home for the holidays and I have no one to look after him so I can go alone, and I don't want to take him. I already have to farm him out on fridays now so I can work as much as possible before beginning university.........oh its a mess.

Sorry to go on, I don't know where else to turn. It would just be so much easier for it all to just go away, forever. But thats not an option...........

I'll just keep telling myself I'm fine.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

I am so sorry you have this big disappointment, that is something that can definitely trigger an unwanted PTSD cycle. It's actually pretty "normal" for someone struggling with PTSD to feel like "crying" when they go see their therapist. A good therapist will know this and if you have a therapist you "can" sit and cry with, that is a good sign that you have a good therapist.

I can sure relate to just wanting to have a good cry and not be able to because your child is there or for some reason you can't because of where you are. There is no reason you should be ashamed that you come here to vent either. You know Jane, we are "real people" who struggle with PTSD too. You do not have to feel "sorry" for going on, let it rip if you need to, there are other members here that know that need believe me.

It's OK to have a bad day and come here and vent, you don't have to be "strong all the time you know", coming here amongst others who understand the challenge is not like talking to other people who can't understand it.

You had a big disappointment, you had plans to make progress, move forward and those plans have been thwarted and that is always a trigger with PTSD. Of course you feel boxed in and angry yet also so frustrated that you want to have a good cry. You do need support and it's very hard when you can't seem to get that need met because your child is right there and you just don't have a way to have him tended to so "mommy" can get some much needed comforting. Oh, I am sure that is a trigger too, I have been in that kind of scenario myself so I know.

Can you email your T and possibly set up a phone session, perhaps when your son is in bed so you can at least talk to your T? I don't know if your T will do that for you, but sometimes a T will work with you, I know my T has done that with me. I have actually had several phone sessions because of bad weather or because I was just too bad to drive the 45minute drive just to see him. He still get's paid and he knows me enough so that it's not a big issue. You can't help it if you are tied down with your child and don't have anyone to help you with him so you can take off for a bit for therapy. Not unless he has little friends where you know their mothers enough to ask a favor for a play date. That might be something you could work towards cultivating though, I know it's not easy but, sometimes getting to know someone you can switch playdates with helps.

As far as work not giving you the time off so you can go to school too? Well, I have run into others that experienced a similar challenge, even a last minute, no we can't do that after all, sorry. I ran my own business and while I didn't have a boss that got in the way, I did have clients and events I had to do and put my own needs aside and do my best to manage having to set myself/own needs aside, it wasn't easy, I know.

Well, it's ok to cry, get mad, be frustrated and disappointed and wait for the trigger to run it's course. Then when you can calm down again, perhaps you can come up with a different plan somehow. Just make sure you don't let yourself feed into some kind of self punishing doom and gloom scenario. I know that's what it feels like right now, but acknowledge it, you can feel bad, but try very hard not to "feed into it". I am in no way being dismissive, I know how these episodes feel first hand, yes, they ****.

Yes, you are just coming off of a long stressful holiday, this is not something you need right now, I hear you.

(((Comforting Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

Thanks OE.

Well, I actually had given my resignation, and was depending on a part time job to live while studying. Just need to find another one now. Somehow.

So today I went in to work and was outright bullied by my boss, she was horrid. I was in shock and then had to turn around and go to see a client while trying my darndest to not fall on the floor in tears. I sat in my car after that client and began to have an anxiety attack.....I called my T to try to sort out a meeting this week. I was almost a mess but managed to mostly keep it together. Then off to my next client, and whilst with her there wasa huge bang outside.....she laughed at how much I jumped out of my seat. I started to shake inside and just felt like crying, but had to battle the feelings to control them in fornt of my client. It was soo frikkin hard.

At the end of the day I was at my office and all but one colleague had left and i completely broke down. I am soo embarrassed. I think I opened my emails and there were about 5 from my boss, telling me to do this, that and the other.......it was too much. I just lost it.......

I feel humiliated to have fallen apart, luckily it was in front of someone who I have known for years and she will not tell anyone else.

All of this feels like it comes down to trust, I feel like I have lost trust in everyone again and feel like everyone will hurt me. Even this work colleague, I have known her for ages before I started at this company. Gah!

I hate how I am feeling right now, I'm scared for no real reason. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JaneC]

I did stop crying after breaking down at work, I finally was able to force myself to so i could leave the building. But again now at home this evening I have been on the verge of tears the whole time but just too scared to let them flow.....alone they may not stop.......

It is such a difficult time and I feel so lost..............and so needy that it is killing me.

I wanted to ask........does anyone feel the deep need to be held, hugged by someone else for comfort, and when the moment presents itself that you back away terrified?

My workmate offered me a hug, she has in the past been quite supportive but I just kept jumping away from her and saying no. I don't understand.

[Leah123]

Sure, I've had experiences like that. I think of it this way- PTSD doesn't thrive in a supportive environment, often, it can't even get a hold on us if we're in a safe, caring, encouraging, environment. PTSD is sometimes like a weed in an untended garden. That means, you probably aren't deeply comfortable with being cared for and between not knowing that safe feeling enough when you were younger and all the hyper-activated PTSD/fear/hypervigilance chemical reactions, it's no wonder you want something but don't feel ok getting it.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

I am so sorry that your boss was being so demanding and mean to you. It is no wonder that triggered you, "kind of how you describe your mother".

Yes, I have experienced just what you are describing myself, needing a hug badly too.
But it's a hug that is coming from a person who actually "understands", otherwise it just doesn't feel right.

Jane, when you get that way what is "calming" is actually crossing your arms and hugging yourself, it will release the same "needed" chemicals that bring on a sense of calm.

Here is a helpful link, try to copy it and keep it with you.

http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-livin...47.html#!scK98

(((((((((((((((((((Hugs for Jane)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

OE

[(JD)]

Sometimes a good cry is cathartic...and afterwards you can think straighter and find a way to move on.

[JaneC]

I broke, I cried, I cried again......I sobbed alone late at night and I hated it. I could barely stand myself for it, I was overwhelmed by fear of so many things and I sobbed. Not just cried....great big gasping, snotty nosed, dripping faced sobbing. and I despised myself for it....I felt so bad to be crying that I realised I was kicking myself soo hard until the pain from that was able to stop the crying.

This is new behaviour, the kicking. I probably ought to talk about it to my T, but other stuff came out first and the session was over in a flash.

I came away thinking.......I just need to try harder, stop being so helpless and sort myself out. I'm trying. Crying and giving in to self pity and wishing I had someone to care for me is pointless because there is noone and that is not goign to happen. I just have to do it. I just have to do it...myself.

Thankyou all for you thoughtful feedback, I do appreciate it....and thanks for letting me offload.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

Here is a link that talks about how crying is actually "good" for you. We tend to think we are weak or wrong when we get overcome and cry, but we actually do ourselves a favor when we allow ourselves to let it out.

A Good Cry | Natural Stress Relief

And here is info from another source;

3. Tears Remove Toxins
Biochemist William Frey, who has been researching tears for as long as I’ve been searching for sanity, found in one study that emotional tears–those formed in distress or grief–contained more toxic byproducts than tears of irritation (think onion peeling). Are tears toxic then?

No! They actually remove toxins from our body that build up courtesy of stress. They are like a natural therapy or massage session, but they cost a lot less!

4. Crying Can Elevate Mood
Do you know what your manganese level is? Neither do I. But chances are that you will feel better if it’s lower because overexposure to manganese can cause bad stuff: anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, aggression, emotional disturbance, and the rest of the feelings that live inside my head rent-free.

The act of crying can actually lower a person’s manganese level. And just like with the toxins I mentioned in my last point, emotional tears contain 24 percent higher albumin protein concentration–responsible for transporting small (toxic) molecules–than irritation tears.

5. Crying Lowers Stress
Tears really are like perspiration, in that exercising and crying both relieve stress. In his article, Bergman explains that tears remove some of the chemicals built up in the body from stress, like the endorphins leucine-enkaphalin and prolactin. The opposite is true too. Bergman writes, “Suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems, and peptic ulcers.”

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/7-r...#ixzz2qf69Ohkr

[JaneC]

I am sorry to not be in a positive place right now, but it is where I am and I want to get this out.....and also see if anyone can relate. This rollercoaster just does not seem to stop, and though on the face of it I have soo much to look forward to and am embarking on a new and exciting path of my journey(university)......I just can not seem to lift my mood.

Today I have tried countless self care & mindful activities, eventhough I found myself sitting in the hallway tears streaming down my face, thinking that my gorgeous weeman just doesn't need such a crap mum, he has a stepmum who is much better than I am, and other similar thoughts. Despite this I managed to haul my *** off the floor and drive to a beach in an attempt to walk myself back to balanced I walked up and down, searching for sea glass and really engaging mindfully in the process...........and still I feel no better.

I got home and mowed the lawns as I know vigorous activity can help lift your mood......nothing.

I am challeging my thoughts, (of not being around anymore, being worthless, bad etc), challenging my negative self talk, distracting, trying to use everthing I know how to do.

I have tried practising acceptance of where I am at and choosing to direct my thoughts elsewhere, in a mindful and non judgemental way. Countless times.....

I still keep coming back to the same feeling, and overwhelming sense of pointlessness. I don't want to give up, but I feel like its the only option. Logically I know this is not true......but I FEEL differently.

When does this get better, when does all of this hard work and perserverance and pain pay off?

I am sitting here and actually am unable to stop the tears flowing.....yeah thats right.....now I am complaining that I can't stop crying, I know the thread says something else. I just feel so........I don't think sad quite covers it. It scares me when I begin to think my boy doesnt need me anymore, I know this is not a good place to be.

I am feeling pretty bad right now.......... how long before I can become more.....relaxed, comfortable, balanced. I don't even think those are the words to describe where I want to be Gah! I can not think properly either!

Content...maybe that is the word?

[caseygirl]

Crying....yes, tried to hold it in for years in therapy, but once we got into the 'guts' of the sexual abuse and I felt comfortable and trusted the T that I have now, the dam opened up. It was a release though, and it started the journey ~ a rough journey though.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

Can you take some time to listen to this? It's different but it's good to listen to. I am very sorry you are struggling, but you really do deserve to "heal" and understand "your needs more clearly" too. You are fighting "your needs unknowingly Jane" you need to step back and think about it better and I know this is hard to do. Perhaps this link will give you some more to consider and understand, because you need to figure out what "you need" instead of what you may think "others may need you to be or what you need to be to impress others somehow" and what is "really not your fault at all either".



And please don't go down the road of being less of a mother than your ex husband's wife. "YOU" are your son's mother, NO ONE can replace you EVER. He would be horribly devastated if anything happened to you.

((Jane)), you are growing, that's all, growing is "scary". It's like that for everyone. I can see you have courage and you are a nice person, you need to see that too, it's there, it really is.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Rzay4]

To me crying feels like acid. When my brother died almost I cried so much it hurt. Now I hate to cry. I almost cried in my last session. I think my T noticed but didn't say nothing just letting me experience that feeling. I felt a little mad. My ex T was so aware of my crying I felt okay but now like you in the beginning I feel uncertain and afraid.

[JaneC]

Thanks OE..I listened to that and I understand and agree. What we keep inside our heads tends to show up in other ways in our bodies.....mine is a MESS!!!

Casey I am sure that you are right about the release being the start of the journey. I took a step on that yesterday with my T....and left feeling ashamed, hurt and more. i wrote about it in the therapy thread. Ugh!

Rzay4....sorry its hard for you right now too. Kind hug to you

This is a rollercoaster. And I want off........but will go on if for no one else than my son. He deserves a mummy that tries really hard to be a good enough mummy. I just have to keep trying.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane))),

Life is a roller coaster for everyone. The key is to try to work on finding your own ways to realize life is up and down and where you can develop different mental oases that work for "you". As you learn that, you can teach it to your son too.

[purple sinatra]

Jane, I'm so sorry what you've been going through. Don't feel bad about crying so much at work. Believe me, we ALL have done it. I was a top performer at a Fortune 500 company, just received a promotion and was working for the biggest bully in the company. He eventually triggered my PTSD (which I didn't know I had). One of the symptoms was the crying. I always broke down and to everyone. It was ridiculous. I was so embarrassed because that was not me. We all go through it. Don't feel bad and know you're not alone. If you need to vent, we're here!