[JaneC]

So I just wrote a long post explaining how horrid a place I am in tonight...spiralling into anxiety,fear and avoidance thoughts that I can not stop. And what happens....the post suddenly disappears!!! I did something obviously and it all got wiped!!!

This just adds to my anxiety right now.

Does anyone else find that something fairly small can suddenly start a huge reaction? No matter what I do, tell myself that things are not as bad as I think and try to not believe all of the awful things I am thinking about myself....I still find myself having dark thoughts and reverting straight back to self destructive habits. Ugh!!

I am soo anxious my body aches now from being soo tense, I can't imagine sleep will come soon. In fact I feel like I may throw up! I really am trying to breathe and self soothe.....pfft!

I want to hide in my room, not go back to university tomorrow after our break, not see any people, not have anyone talk to me, and especially not have to talk about myself!!

I guess I have been having a tough time lately and this was too much for my little brain to take?

Anyone else find this sort of thing happens suddenly and so overwhelmingly? Why? (siiiiiigh, sorry to vent)

[JaneC]

You know, I tried to write an email to my therapist asking for help and couldn't even get past the first sentence when I realised, I just don't deserve to ask for his help. It is something so insignificant in the big scheme of things, that I do not have the right to ask for support. I hate that I still hate myself so much. How do I face the world tomorrow?
I know I need to snap out of this.........

[JaneC]

It took me 4 attempts, and reaching 1am still feeling like crud and crying because I am terrified to face my class and lecturers tomorrow to be able to send an email to my therapist. A really brief ...No worries if you are busy but could I please see you email. Now I just feel ashamed for asking for help.

I know I am talking to myself here, that's ok.....sorry again for venting, I do not like feeling needy.

[pegasus]

Hello JaneC, depression is an awful thing that tells all sorts of lies. I hope your T gets back to you. Be gentle with you.

[MotownJohnny]

"I just don't deserve to ask for his help. It is something so insignificant in the big scheme of things, that I do not have the right to ask for support."

You know that isn't true on an intellectual level. It's just the PTSD raging, making you emotionally vulnerable to it's ravages.

You have the same "right" or "deserve" it as much as anyone or everyone.

I don't believe that any human being is "undeserving" of anything UNLESS they have done something to abrogate their right or privilege. A cold-blooded murder doesn't "deserve" freedom because he/she did something to abuse the right.

You haven't done anything, ever, to void your right to happiness. Nor did you "deserve" any of the things you have gone through that left you so traumatized.

Trust me, been there, done that, just a few months back. I guess I'm just in a much better place now, because I can look back at amazement over how truly bad I felt about myself, and about how I felt I didn't deserve anything good, or worse, that I deserved the bad things that came into my life.

"depression is an awful thing that tells all sorts of lies" - that's a good line, and a good thing to remember. Thanks for that one, Pegasus, it's aptly put.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

I am so sorry that I didn't see your posts this morning. (((Hugs)))

Mowtown is right, this is a stage of PTSD that happens, and the feeling that it should not be so hard or should not be so important and that you are doing something wrong in needing is also what happens. Those are internal lies and I know it's hard, but you need to take time outs and do extra self soothing to help yourself relax as much as you can.

I promise you will get past this stage and I know it is very challenging, but don't listen to the lies that you don't deserve help, because you "do" deserve support ok? I have experienced everything you are saying word for word, and so have others and Mowtown was really struggling too for a while, but this "will" pass, but yes it socks.

Remember (((Jane))) you are not alone, we are real people that do understand what you are dealing with and we are here for you ok? You are going to get past this part, you need to be patient with yourself and do not "self punish", but even though it feels like you should, do not feed into that, but choose to do self soothing and self care instead.

You may need some medication to help you through this part, perhaps ask your T about it?

Anyway, vent as much as you need to, "we get it" and really want to support you.

Also, as far as your losing that post you spent so much time on, I have had that happen too, it is very triggering when that happens. Always make sure when you sign on that you check that little box next to where you type in your PC name. Also, sometimes what has happened to me is I accidently have hit a key that takes away what I was typing. I found that if I hit my arrow on the top of my computer located next , hit the arrow on the right, not the bigger left arrow, I can get back to where I had been posting and it is still there. So, don't panic next time and try that you may have to click on it more than once. But, always check that box next to your PC name when you sign in or else you can lose long posts ok? I am so sorry that happened, I know how upsetting that can be.

(((Very caring Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

Thanks for your replies. After barely sleeping last night I just could not face the day so have stayed home, in bed. I finally got up though, so that is one good thing. Its only about 1pm her now....so plenty of day to get through.

My therapist couldn't see me today, he had no space. I asked him to let me know by email if he couldn't not phone, I could not bare him to hear my disappointment if he had to say no over the phone. So now I wait until Friday........its Monday here.

Now I wonder how I will be able to go in to school the next 2days, one of which I have to go and meet the course co-ordinator about my last assignment that got lower grades.(I still passed, but with a mark that is sooo embarrassing to me) This makes me more anxious than you can imagine......I struggle with figures of authority, especially if they are women and this lecturer is. She freaks me out, and is the one who always leads the group discussions where I end up soo overwhelmed and triggered and have a panic attack almost! I do not enjoy her paper one bit, it involves looking deeply at myself in front many people......the risk feels so high, and I become overwhelmed by fear and all of my insecurities come rushing to the surface. It is not pretty.

Gosh, I am 43 and terrified to go to school!! So ashamed right now of my inability to get past all of these things that stress me out soo much. Once again, sorry to vent here...it is the only space I have to do it really. And again, thanks for the feedback everyone....it helps me not feel quite so alone.

[Open Eyes]

Jane, are you meeting with this course co-ordinator alone? I am wondering if it might be better (if you get time alone with her) to be honest and tell her you have PTSD and are trying to move forward with your life as best as you can. It's just a thought Jane, if you are really uncomfortable with that idea I will understand, most people don't talk about being challenged with PTSD in fear of how people will react.

If this is not an approachable woman and what you are studying and want to do someday means talking about PTSD a bad idea, then I get that. I understand about certain women in authority positions being triggering, I have had that myself, certain types of women can trigger me because of my older sister who can be bossy and condescending.

Ok, you passed your test that is good, don't worry so much about a high grade, just focus on your "own" learning because that is what is important, in the end it isn't always the ones that get the high grades that turn out to be the best, instead it is the one who wants it the most. Hey, I taught a mother in her 40's and I had to get her to change something in her riding, she nearly had a meltdown about it, but she did try and got past her self doubt and she was a professional, had a good job. So don't worry about being sensitive, believe me, you are not alone in that. Jane, this woman is just a person, and ordinary person, not as much authority as you are putting her up to be, she has her issues and bad days too, she's just another human, you can get past that. You know Jane, you have every damn right to like whatever dishes you want and you have to embrace that about "your right". And remember, these people, they are NOT there to beat you up, they are there to help you learn, it is their "job".

My daughter goes every November to train with a big time trainer, he very tough and a lot of students are afraid of him, every year my daughter spends time with these "fearful" ones and encourages them to try, she also reminds them that when he picks on them, it means he is paying attention to them and showing them what they need to learn, it's just his style to be a bit tough that's all.

Try to keep in mind Jane with these intimidating types, they are not picking on you, it's just the type of person they are, they are that way with everyone, it isn't just you. Also, don't worry about your age and struggling, we are who we are all our lives and we just have to do our best to allow ourselves to grow, we really do grow and learn all of our lives
anyway.

If you need to, take me with you I am here encouraging you, believing in you and impressed with how you are trying very hard too. You can have me in your mind with a caring voice encouraging you, I do believe in you, and I know you will get past this.

Remember, those who end up being the best are those really want it. You want this Jane, so even when things challenge you, you will push hard, I already know that about you.

Get some rest tonight, do this one day at a time. I will check this forum in the morning and also later on in the late afternoon. You are not alone.

(((Big Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[jadeprincess01]

I didn't see this post until now cause others have posted and also I got up at noon today. I want to offer my support and hugs. (((((((((((hugs))))))))) anyways draw a bath and try to relax, maybe let people know you wont be in school tomorrow and ask for and extended date on your projects until you see your doctor, go to the school councillor they will make exceptions for person with mental health issues, if you didn't also set that up on the first day, it can get hairy as they will ask for proof from your doctor.

[JaneC]

Thank you OE. I don't deserve so much of your time when you are also struggling, but I do appreciate it immensely. (Even though I feel so incredibly uncomfortable accepting the support! Yes, I am nuts)

I hope you are taking good care of yourself at the moment also OE.

The lecturer is lovely in class, but her demeanour changes to more serious when I got her one on one. It must be me lol. I have spoken to her after class when I had a bad episode one day and told her about my PTSD, and later seriously regretted it! But it is all wound up together you see......

I need to share stuff about myself in my work and class, but for me sharing deep things about myself, what makes me me(which I struggle to even know sometimes) is a huge fear/risk for me. A risk of judgement/dislike/non-acceptance etc and this makes me want to run and hide. I fear intensely being hurt by people, and that is why I find it very hard to allow people to get too close to me. It scares me, but is a vicious cycle.......for I know that to be genuinely vulnerable and show myself to people is the way to true connections with people, and then to happiness I guess. My instincts prevent me from so much, and it makes me sad that it is still this way. I really never understood how significantly my past has affected me and kept me from living a meaningful life.

I wonder for how many people here this is also the case?

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by soulreaper

I didn't see this post until now cause others have posted and also I got up at noon today. I want to offer my support and hugs. (((((((((((hugs))))))))) anyways draw a bath and try to relax, maybe let people know you wont be in school tomorrow and ask for and extended date on your projects until you see your doctor, go to the school councillor they will make exceptions for person with mental health issues, if you didn't also set that up on the first day, it can get hairy as they will ask for proof from your doctor.

Thanks. But I don't want special treatment, that is the problem, I just wish I could jump over the barriers I have put in place myself to be a better me.......... thankyou for the support it is very kind.

[jadeprincess01]

your very welcome but you do need a break from school to rest, sleep is important.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Thanks. But I don't want special treatment, that is the problem, I just wish I could jump over the barriers I have put in place myself to be a better me.......... thankyou for the support it is very kind.

If you have PTSD and other mental health issues, all your barriers where by no means put there by you, yourself. Also sometimes you have to take time for yourself or take a break from things...a break from trying to jump over all these barriers.

I only say this because for a while I tried to just push myself through it, not acknowledge I was suffering from serious issues that were not something I brought on myself..and all it did was do more harm than good, so in my opinion its better to acknowledge what your needs are and when you need to take a break and re-charge....that sort of thing helps you be a better you to.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)),

This is a long post, but has lot of important messages in it that I feel are
key to helping you Jane, but others that struggle with complex PTSD too.

It is always a risk when we open ourselves up to others, it is like that for everyone. I opened up and was very hurt, I thought someone was a nice person and a friend and I learned she was neither, the thing with her was she was the kind of person who made friends with people that had things she wanted and could use, her philosophy was, why buy something when you can make friends with someone who has one and get to it that way. I will never forget how she was saying that to her daughter, teaching her to imo be a user as how to get through life. Well, I was raised very differently, I was raised that if you wanted something someone else had, find a way to get your own and respect that person's possessions as theirs.

The root of my PTSD is that while I was taught to respect others and their possessions, and that imprinted in my mind deeply, I learned many times in my life that others did not respect "my space and possessions". I also experienced creating something and when I did, it became something others wanted and tried to take. Honesty was also another constant message my parents imprinted in me over and over too. My triggers all go to when others, are not honest, disrespect me or my things and boundaries, and how others don't "listen" or genuinely "care" about anyone but themselves.

What is important when you have PTSD is to find your "core" messages that were imprinted in you and recognize that the triggers and anxiety you struggle with comes from these "core" imprinted messages. Jane, when I listen to different members who struggle with PTSD that goes back to their childhood, the complex PTSD, the constant core challenge that I see is how different people were imprinted with messages that they didn't have enough value. That is what I see in you Jane and you need to understand on a very deep level that it is not your fault and from what I have heard of how you struggle, it was your mothers fault and lack, not yours. Your sister has the same problem with your mother. IMHO, this is your main challenge and every time you are around what you consider a woman in authority, you get triggered and your core is telling you that if you don't do whatever this person considers is "important" you will be judged poorly and emotionally punished in some way. Every time you tell me that you are not worthy of my caring and reaching out to you, you are showing me what your mother kept imprinting in you that you grew to believe about yourself.

What you need is someone to help you finally develop some very deep "new" core messages that are more positive to help you finally "correct" that. And Jane, you need to start with developing a part of yourself that also does that for yourself. This is where the "patience and self care" comes into playing a significant role in finally "healing". Now, Jane, what this means is that you need to pay attention to how you react when someone is trying to reach out to you and "genuinely wants to help you and does care and understand".

What PTSD does is "magnify the negative" and what the constant messages PTSD often presents is, "I am inconvenient, I mess everything up, if something happens bad it is my fault, if I can't do something it is because I am unworthy, the only thing I can do is lay low and try to not be seen because that is safe for me, if someone sees me it is only when I fail somehow to meet up to their needs, if I fail to meet up to the needs of others even when I try very hard there must be something unworthy in me, and I do not deserve to have anyone be nice to me and actually be ok with the things I do and like". That is what I have noticed about your core messages, but not only "you" Jane, but many of the other members that come to this forum struggling. And I think that is very sad, because every time I read these messages, I really grieve for that "child" that I really see most of all. I grieve because of how these challenging messages were imprinted in you and others through no fault of their own.

Jane, that is what a good therapist is supposed to help with too. And the fact that you struggled and needed to reach out to your T and it was just not there for you, only made you struggle more. But ((Jane)), it isn't just "you" that struggles when that happens. Many people develop a kind of "transference" with their therapists, but all that really means is that person finally found something that is genuinely "helping" them that is there for the first time for them. All this Borderline Personality challenge that can get a bad rap, all that is really, is the same kind of challenge. Even narcissism is often routed in the same childhood challenges where if the "nurturer" isn't there in the right way, the child begins to fill that need by other unhealthy ways of gaining attention and permission, but the problem with that is the one thing that is missing is the capacity for these children to really be able to "love" others and experience genuine "empathy" and respect for others.

Jane, one of the things I loved about what I did in working with very young children is it was not the riding at all, instead it was helping them find that little thing they needed to have and learn about themselves and feel good about, which is the proper early development of "self esteem". The most important and rewarding thing to me was not so much how well they rode or how quickly they learned to ride my pony. My goal was to have each child walk away from me feeling good about what they achieved that day, feeling good that even though they were somewhat afraid or doubted, they discovered they could get past that and actually gain a new skill. That is what you want for your son, isn't it? He is a good little boy and he has healthy self esteem Jane, who do you think is responsible for that? Jane, you are!! So you "do" know what is important in nurturing Jane, you "are" a good mother and you are so much better than your mother was. Jane, you are such a "worthy person", a person who can do that is so valuable and it doesn't matter what else is there either, it doesn't matter if you live in a mansion or drive a Mercedes or have some hot guy as a husband and all of what is considered the "ideal", because the "ONLY" thing that "REALLY" matters in what you "are" doing for your child Jane.

Unfortunately, what parents often do "wrong" is they are often all about "image" Jane, and keeping up with some kind of "ideal", and they don't realize what their chasing is actually "hurting" their children. When your mother comes to visit you and you get all stressed out, and you feel hurt because she needs to insist you have dishes "she" feels is so important to have, THAT IS A CRAPPY MOTHER. However, that was something that was somehow imprinted in her, and it sounds to me like your mother is on the narcissistic side.

When someone struggles with PTSD, with this kind of core issue, they can become very self absorbed Jane, often they are mistaken for being narcissistic, however, that is not the case. What is really taking place is that these struggling individuals have been exposed to and hurt by narcissists and are very confused. I see that in "you" and I also have seen that in Mowtown and others who are struggling here in these forums. And the one thing most of these people feel threatened by is "authority type figures" they come across that trigger them badly when they have PTSD.

Now, one beautiful thing I noticed is how MowtownJohnny came to your support. That really shows me that he is gaining and healing and doing better and it makes my heart sing, it makes my heart sing the same way it sang with my students that I taught, and even the ponies that I trained that learned how to be good ponies and "enjoyed it".

Jane, a good therapist is a person who sits with a patient and "LISTENS" and helps that patient feel safe to open up and talk. As the patient does that, the therapist needs to be able to see that "core challenge" in that patient, and it is always there Jane, with complex PTSD and what they call Borderline Personality Disorder, and Adjustment disorder, and often many who suffer from depression, or/and anxiety and even Avoidant Personality disorder. And the "sad" thing to me is that when these individuals get labeled, they start to think about that label as the "label of their unworthiness". The problem with PTSD, is what it really means is that someone has an injury but it doesn't mean that person is bad or crazy or undeserving. However, that is how they feel, they are deeply hurt and struggle with "troubling emotions" that stem back to bad "imprinting" that is not their fault Jane.

Jane, what you are mourning has nothing to do with "you failing" at all, what it means is how others failed you, and that goes way back for you Jane. There was nothing wrong with what you wanted in a marriage relationship at all. You did give your love and devotion, but you were treated badly and not appreciated and that was "wrong". However, your core imprinting, which is not your fault, is telling you that something failed somehow because "you did something wrong or you were not good enough or strong enough or was not capable of suppressing your needs enough, that is wrong ((Jane)). You know Jane, this woman your husband married is "nice" right? But Jane, what that means is she is "giving in her needs to please your husband" and he is now
well enough so he is not demanding her to give more than she is capable of giving. You were right in leaving him, because that relationship was never going to be "healthy" for you Jane. Once a partner gets to a point where they punish their partner the way you were punished because of "their deep subconscious skeletons", that becomes a habit and becomes "abuse" and is "unhealthy". You need to be careful of what you see in that picture you are looking at when you see that marriage and the other people who are married and what "you wanted for yourself" that did not happen and you are now grieving. That is a challenge for women especially because of their deep programming to be "nurturers" Jane. Many women will stay in a bad relationship because they think they need to somehow "nurture the entire relationship into becoming healthier somehow". Well, that is "not" what is really supposed to be "all" the woman's responsibility. You did the right thing by walking away (((Jane))).

((Jane)), what I really respect about you is that you actually "are" strong in spite of the bad imprinting you have gotten. I am doing my best to "support you so you see that and keep moving forward, yet at the same time also finally heal too".

Yes, you are right, I am very challenged myself. I am challenged because what I had and worked so hard to accomplish was disrespected and badly damaged. And when I broke, I was misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and people where actually "mean" to me when I genuinely deserved "help".

Unfortunately, there are "professionals" out there that can identify different disorders or think they can by observing a patients behavior patterns, but they are not always right and often they do not really know what is genuinely needed by the patient. And what I have noticed about the professionals that I reached out to is that often they have troubling core issues themselves that they don't recognize.

I have talked about my experience with a "professional child psychologist who was also a college professor" that came to my farm. I did not know what she was, but only that she was some kind of doctor. I observed her with her grandchild and I watched her not get "what she wanted" from that child. I let her be in control Jane because she gave off that essence of "self important and knowledgeable" that is because of my "core respect factor". Well, after a while she got very discouraged and asked "me" to take over. I stopped the pony and engaged the child and my entire method was "what does that child like and want". Well, most little girls want to be a princess, that is pretty much simple basic fact. So, if that is what this child wants, THAT IS WHAT TO BUILD ON. I never had to "give orders like that professional did" Jane. I know the attention span of a child that age, so I already expect her to pay attention and then get distracted. Well, I am not going to punish any child that is just being a normal child, no one should do that, but surprisingly too many do. Well, this little child wanted to be a princess, "her want", so we learned how to sit like a princess and how important that is because if we sit like that we are doing "princess" things. Then I walked around and when this little child began to get distracted as any normal child, all I had to do is remind her to be the princess that "she wants to be", I never once had to give her "orders" Jane. That day that "professional" learned something VERY IMPORTANT. And she was so impressed that she told me I had a big gift, and that is finally when I learned what kind of "doctor" she was Jane. I am not saying this to say I am "superior" in some way either. However, it has really surprised me what "basics, or what I feel are basics" are missed by "authority figures and professionals".

Another time I reached out for help, I went to see a husband and wife team. I talked about what I did, how I work with children, what so many parents miss that is harmful to their children that they don't realize. One day I went in for therapy and the wife psychologist I was seeing was not there, her husband called me into his office and asked me to sit down. He told me that his wife and him have talked a lot together about all that I had been saying to his wife and his wife is taking a leave of absence from her practice and is going to spend more time with their children. He thanked me and told me I was gifted and that I should seriously consider becoming a psychologist. Well Jane, it was a really nice compliment, but I did not go to see these people to "help them", I went to get help myself and I paid them while I was helping them and all I left with is a compliment, and an offer of a prescription of valium if I needed help with my anxiety.

I have to say that I do have a problem that way tbh. I do help others and people appreciate that, but I have a hard time asking for help with "my" challenges. That is part of my own deep imprinting challenge that I am trying to "mourn and heal from" myself. I do love helping people, it has brought me joy and fulfillment, however, unfortunately, I had a hard time getting "help for myself".

Well, when I broke, I was misdiagnosed, and a lot of people were mad at me. I could see "them" and it helped them, but unfortunately, they could not see me. I am lucky that I finally found a "therapist" that is "seeing me" and he is not perfect, but he is helping and he does know how to listen and validate. And he is willing to look at my "core" with me and validate it and help me with "my deep hurts".

Yes, I have PTSD and I do know the way it can pull a person into feeling "unworthy" somehow. I have that too Jane, but I have that because of how I did serve as a punching bag for other peoples subconscious skeletons, but also "brain challenges" that they could not help. As I mentioned, my husband suffers from compulsive ADHD and dyslexia. He "is" a good person, but his problems were very hard on me and I wish that when I reached out for help, there was someone there that could help me understand that better. I also grew up with an older brother that had that too and he was not helped but instead constantly punished. I saw a lot of bad things happen to him and I always new it was wrong too. I felt sorry for him, however I also feared him too. I was his "only" friend for a long time. I even dressed up like a boy and stood by him when the kids in the neighborhood came to bully and threaten him too. I didn't want him to be "alone" I acted like a tough boy that was more than willing to fight if I had to. But inside I was scared yet I felt, and knew, that my brother's need was greater than mine. I was just a little girl that day too. But when everyone else insisted my brother could not be helped and the only answer was disciplining him and punishing him and that he was incapable of paying attention. I did not believe that and I decided to become his friend and I did learn that he could pay attention and be good, you just had to know "how he needs to be treated and be allowed to express himself". I did have to run from him sometimes because he was bullied and treated so badly that he would have a build up of anger and though I was his friend, he also could lash out at me and even hurt me because of his need to expel his anger at someone. I was the only one that was there.

The big reason that I struggled with in having my PTSD be a part of my case is that I was misdiagnosed, but also that I did not want things I shared about others around me that were very troubled. I don't want that made public, and it's because I don't want these people TO BE HURT FOR SOMETHING THEY COULD NOT HELP. I know that this past in me will be misunderstood, because it was always misunderstood and it is not fair to these people, it was never fair to them either.

((Jane)), I see your "hurts" and from the bottom of my heart I know they are not your fault and that even though you are/were hurt, you are so worthy and you are a good person and a good mother. You do deserve to "heal and get the right support" you really do, because when you heal, you will have something "good" to offer others eventually, something there is so little of too. A test score is not as important as you think, this woman authority figure is something you need to learn how to no longer see as some kind of threat to you and that "will" come. How people like that trigger you is what you "deserve" to finally heal from because you can share that with others and your son too. That is really the "ideal" Jane, that is more important than the original picture you wanted that didn't seem to work, that really was never your fault at all. What all these emotions are really meant to be is to drive us to learning and then helping others in positive ways and that is the "gift" that pays forward more than anything else that is meant to ensure our survival as a species.


((Hugs from the heart)))
OE

[JaneC]

OE just about everything you say resonates with me and is a fair assessment of some of the reasons for why I struggle and for some of the work that I and my therapist need to do. As well as process lots of major trauma also....not going to be quick huh?

My therapist is good, and actually in the past has been able to be there for me when I have asked for extra help, and also he has gone the extra mile without me having to ask just because I let it slip it was a major anniversary for me and he felt that I deserved, in his words, far more kindness at this time than I had ever had. He responded to my 2nd email also which I did not expect. I think he cares, but I struggle to accept it as genuine, but am trying. He is definitely focused on getting me to be more compassionate with myself.

Anyway, thanks again OE I feel I haven't given justice to your generously long post, but I do appreciate it all, I heard what you have to say.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you have a good T, I am so happy about that. I know the challenge of trusting and trying to open up too ((Jane)). It is such a big challenge to find the courage to let out all unmet needs and "trust", me too, it was hard for me too, very hard. As for my long post, someday you will understand that it is healing to help others when you recognize their challenge and when you were there too. Once I did trust and began to get the right support and got stronger, I realized how important that was and have been so grateful, so grateful that others reached out to me, understood my challenge and listened and validated me. I know you are not at that point "yet", but you will eventually get there and understand why I reach out to you and that it is not an imposition, but a part of my own journey to continue to heal too. Even though you don't feel you deserve it sometimes, you will get past this part, be patient, you really do deserve, even though it sometimes doesn't feel that way, that in itself is negative messages you never deserved, you will see that eventually so be "patient". Venting and putting it all into words is "healing and important", you will get to a point where you realize that and will
start feeling "relief".

((Hugs))
OE

[Susan27]

Don't feel bad, I just composed this long thoughtful post in reply to yours and my browser shut down all it's open windows...it's never don't that before

Arrrggggg
Susan