Flashbacks

The past few months I've been having particularly bad flashbacks. It began about the time a realization hit me that was especially disturbing. I've been married to a man for 7 years this year (together 10). It's never been a good relationship. There's been lying, cheating, manipulation, verbal-psychological-physical-and sexual abuse. There have been 3 children produced during this relationship...not all willingly conceived. I have tried to end the relationship...even got out (at least in the sense of lived separately) for about 2 years, but there was always contact because of children. Ultimately, I got sucked back in.
I was severely abused from ages 7-17. I was routinely forcibly raped by my mother's husband. I've had no contact with her in 20+ years, and she is still married to that man. Not only was she aware of the abuse, but she was a participant at times. The things that happened during that time in my life are what led to my PTSD.

I only mention both these things because there is a connection.

It hit me one day a few months ago...my husband is almost an exact replica of my original abuser! Not just in his actions. His physical appearance is so much alike that they could share bloodlines. Statements he makes are almost word for word identical. They could be the same man. My husband is currently the age my abuser was when I was a child going through the abuse. Obviously, I am much older than I was at that time, but mentally it feels like I'm stuck in those years!

This is what I need help grasping: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I WOULD (EVEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY) EVER EVER BE WITH SOMEONE THAT IS A CARBON COPY OF MY ORIGINAL ABUSER??

I just can't wrap my mind around this...

Well, I'm feeling even more stressed and awkward after having posted this. I see that several people have viewed it, but no responses offering insight or understanding.

Clearly, I am already aware that I am all kinds of screwed up. I hesitated in posting the original...now, I just feel even more alone than ever.

(((Whoaminoone))),

Remember, do not go by the views because that doesn't indicate how many members who can post a supportive answer to you are viewing. We do our best to post and be supportive as soon as we get a chance to read ok?

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. What you are discribing actually does happen a lot, it is only because often what happens is a person can pair up with another person because that person feels familiar somehow and you are right, that is often a subconscious thing more than a responsible and knowledgable conscious decision. The other thing that takes place that we never see or understand is the hormonal/faramonal influence that comes over us when with a potential mate too. We are often "blinded" by that chemical reaction that takes place for one purpose that is part of nature, to procreate. Often that will last for several years while the woman is very viable in terms of producing offspring. The reason that takes place is in nature as well because human beings need to pair up and stay together to insure survival for the offspring.

As a woman gets older and is less ruled by these chemicals, they will begin to realize things they did not see before about their mate.

Please do not "self blame" for this either, it is not your fault, none of it is your fault.

What you need to do now is take some time to have therapy and work through these challenges and finally "heal", that takes time and lots of patience and self care, but you can work through all this.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

Thank you for responding, OE.

From the first time I met my husband I felt uncomfortable and intimidated. I had a stomach churning sense of disgust, but couldn't put my finger on "why". Long before he became my husband I already feared him. I voiced this to my therapist at the time, and was told I was 'projecting' onto him. T told me I could not trust my emotions because of my previous abuse. I was told to be more open minded and take risks. I've long since stopped seeing that T. I'm sure T meant well, but I don't think she really understood. Even I didn't understand. I wish more than anything now that I had gone against T's advice and RUN LIKE HELL. I'm never sure when to follow my gut, or when I'm overreacting to situations.

I am on such an emotional roller coaster right now. I'm having suicidal impulses over this realization...but I'm making a conscious effort not to react. I'm so confused about how I got myself here...and I only know one way to get out!

I just feel so lost and dusgusted with myself right now.

Ok (((Whoaminoone))), it is important to understand that these suicidal thoughts will come but they are just like all the other things that happen in the beginning cycles that come with PTSD. Always remember that everything that comes up, even the suicidal thoughts, "all come in like a wave and then receed and go away", so never act on any of these challenges. Yes, you only know one way out, I hear you, I had that myself, and so do others, but as you work through this in therapy that feeling will slowly get weaker. We have that feeling when we can't think of any escape, but that is not the way it really is, you will gain on that as you get help working through the PTSD and whatever comes forward be it emotional flashbacks, or visual flashbacks.

It was good that you had those gut feelings, you are right though in that you got the wrong advice from that therapist, believe me you are not the first here to talk about "bad therapy".

It "is" important that you have a good therapist and "stay" in therapy, make sure you feel safe and you can utilize these forums for a place where you can get support. You can use this forum, the survivors of abuse forum, and the psychotherapy forum to connect with other members who like you are working through their history. Perhaps you have already interacted in these forums too so you know this already. The PTSD forum is also helpful so when you experience some challenging cycles you will have others here that understand that and can support you as you slowly work through it. I am sorry because I do know how challenging it is for a while, but that will begin to ease up with time so "please" be patient and kind to yourself no matter what comes forward, it will always come in like a wave, and afterwards you can talk about it and work through whatever it is, as you do so you will slowly begin to feel some relief.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

to you.

I am sorry that I've been unable to post....sometimes when I am struggling myself I find it really hard to respond to others posts, and especially if I have a sense that there are similarities between stories and I don't want to be triggered. I also know how awful it can feel if waiting for replies on here.

I don't have any answers but did want you to know that you do have support here. Also that I too found myself married to someone who treated me in ways similar to early abuse patterns. I did read something that went part way to explaining how we imprint patterns of what we 'deem' love and then we search that out in others as it feels familiar. So sad. But not your fault....so please don't blame yourself, ok.

I do hope you have a current T that you can talk this over with, the feelings of suicide come and go for me too. I think it is just part of it. Unfortunately.

Caring thoughts to you.

Thanks for the responses. I wish someone had a magic 'fix' for all this, but I know that noone does. I appreciate the support and non-judgement though.

I am currently avoiding husband. I know it's going to be another night of forced sex...just like last night and the night before. I try to go somewhere else in my head and pray it ends quickly, but lately it's been vivid flashbacks that I just can't seem to escape. To make the situation even worse, he will not let me shower afterwards. His smell lingers and its a struggle not to vomit.

It's funny (not haha...) how so many people make leaving, and staying gone, sound so easy. I wish it really was. Actually, what I really wish is rather cruel: I wish all the self righteous people who say I bring it on myself by not "simply leaving" could spend a week in my life, and THEN tell me how easy it is to simply leave.

Of course, like so many others, I've perfected the art of hiding what goes on in my personal life. At work (I'm a nurse, of all things), I'm just known as the quiet one who focuses on my patients. I don't interract with other staff any more than necessary. To some that makes me 'a b***h'. It bothers me to be referred to or viewed that way, but it would bother me more for anyone IRL to know what my life is really like. Its too humiliating.

Anyway, I'm just babbling to avoid the inevitable. He will be searching for me soon so I need to go.

A lot of us go through trauma reenactment in one form or another. Some of it we subconsciously walk into without even knowing what's going on. I went through a trauma reenactment of my own, but fortunately it was only after a couple of months, so I had no problem saying 'goodbye' to the guy.

Its concerning that you married someone who is so similar to your abuser. My cousin did something similar....her father abandoned her as a child, so who did she marry? A guy who has a similar physique to her husband (same hair color, large gut, bearded, etc). I think it has something to do with re-living the past in order to have an outcome we can control.

Why are you having sex with him if you don't want it? He isn't owed a damn thing. If you don't want sex, don't have sex! You have a right to be in control of your own sexuality.

((Whoaminoone))

Your situation sounds terrifying. I don't have any advice to offer but I know what it's like waiting for replies on PC so thought I should post anyway.

I have recently started having flashbacks, though actually I think I've been having emotional flashbacks all my life off and on, without knowing what they were. The major flashbacks are really frightening and although I know now what they are, which takes the edge off the fear, I dread them. You are so brave continuing even though you know the flashbacks are likely to be triggered.


Bluegrey

Chipper, I want to respond to your last paragraph.

I am NOT willingly having sex with him when I don't want to. He forces himself on me. Sex with him is not a choice I get to make. I tell him NO. I try to fight him off. That only seems to make him more violent...and turn him on more. I've learned to 'just lay there and take it' because it's going to be done no matter what I say or do. It is not a matter of thinking I 'owe' it to him.

What you said about "re-living the past to have an outcome we can control". That resonated with me...I think you may be right that I SUBCONSCIOUSLY have done just that. As for marrying him...I did not WANT to marry him. By the time he decided on marriage, the abuse was already in full swing. When he said we were getting married and I said no, among other actions, he held a loaded gun to my head and told me what would happen not only to me but to my child if I didn't comply. We were married an hour later.

Whoaminoone, this did trigger me a bit because what I went through was similar. Although my child sexual abuse did not last as long as yours and I am beyond sorry that happened to you.

My exhusband was pretty much the same way. We met in highschool and he boosted my self esteem which I had none. We were together for quite a few years and i would try to split up with him, but always took him back. Then I got pregnant. People told me not to, but I didn't listen I thought he'd change. Yeah, right. He did the exact same thing. Extreme verbal, mental, some physical or it was so bad when he did he would threaten me or tell me that he would kill or cut up my pretty face and threaten my daughter. He did alot of hard drugs. I worked and paided all the bills. And he would just take money without telling me, sometimes I would have to borrow money so we wouldn't be on the streets. I cannot imagine how horrifying and scared you were when he held a loaded gun to your head. I never endured that just crazy knives.

What people don't understand when they think oh you can just leave him, you are scared and for life and your kids. It's the furthest thing from easy.

Also about sex you can't not make it happen when they force themselves on you. I just realized not that long ago until my current husband told me that he was raping me. I thought since we were married it wasn't rape. That's how much I was in denial.

Looking back on it now I see he was almost exactly like my dad except my dad made money except for a few years. It's crazy if you think about it. But when you've been abused you most likely have a relationship with someone who will abuse you. I've read alot of books that say this. And Open Eyes may have a point with chemicals. Something changes in you when you've been abused. And they tend to fade as you get older.

Again I am so sorry that you have to endure such continued abuse. You are a wonderful women who was abused and f***ed with in the head. And to have to deal with all the flashbacks while being triggered takes alot of courage because they are horrifying.

I am so sorry about your mom. Do you have a support system that could stand by you when you can finally get the hell away from there? Even if its not soon when you decide that this is enough. When I finally did after 12 yrs, 7 married. He wouldn't accept it. Made my life hell. I gave him the house and everything I owned pretty much just so he would leave me alone. Yeah right it took months before I finally got the strength to get an order of protection. When you do that too you can put the kids on it as well. There can't be any contact. He'll be super pissed but you are too precious to kept getting retraumatized.

Mine kept bothering me for a long time but it was worth it down the line because I could still be there.

Is there a women's shelter in your town if you need to go to one?

And please, please, please remember you didn't do anything IT IS NOT YOU'RE FAULT!

You need to be able to heal from all this pain.

:Hugs & Lots of Love and Support:

Cosmic, as I stated in an earlier comment, I did leave for almost 2 years. He was relentless. The law was not on my side. For about 6 months I was able to hide from him, but then the law said he was entitled to my current whereabouts because of the children. The more I tried to fight it, the more I was made to sound like the horrible one just trying to keep his kids away from him out of spite. The final weekend before I gave up the fight and just came back (9 months ago), I had been ordered to let him have the kids for that weekend or go to jail (contempt of court is what the judge said). When I went to pick the kids up, he refused to let me have them. I called police. They said there was nothing they could do because we were still legally married and there was no custody order specifying one orbthe other had primary custody. They told me I had to leave his property without my kids or I would be taken to jail. I left. He called me right after I left and said if I wanted to see my kids again I would move back in. That is why I came back~ my kids.

I tried to leave the right way, the legal way, the way I was told to do it. Instead of things being in my favor, I was made to look like the bad guy.

I only foresee getting away from him again one way.

Dear Whoaminoone.

Even though I have never married or been a mother myself, I will try to give you some advice from a 'legal point of view', with regard to finding a course of action to get you into a safe place with your children away from this monstrous coward.

First and foremost you need to be keeping a journal of events, including times, types of abuse, witnesses, injuries etc. Be as emotive as possible, including how you were made to feel, feelings of fear, anxiety etc. If possible, try to make sound recordings of altercations and verbal abuse. Both the journal & recordings will go a long way to proving your case to the police and eventually to the courts if it comes to that.

Next be as transparent to as many people as you can about what is gong on, as he is using your shame to continue his abusive behaviour.....I understand you have feelings of guilt and humiliation after years of abuse, but putting a spotlight on this monsters actions is a positive way forward for you and your children. Being open about all that is going on gives him nowhere to hide.

I appreciate just how difficult and frightening it is to 'Just Leave', .....most definitely a bit more complicated than that. You have to make a detailed plan....not just a general plan. Endeavour to put as much money aside as possible, have a bag packed for you and your children, gather important documents that you may need......and keep all of these hidden from your husband, perhaps keep them somewhere away from your home such as a trusted friends house or storage facility.

Lastly, keep posting here on Psych Central when you can. We are an extremely empathetic and supportive community. There is a big wide world out there Whoaminoone, and you and your children deserve a piece of it, and the chance to feel happy and safe.

Be kind to yourself Whoaminoone. Q.L

So many hugs (without encroaching on your comfort level) to you.
It is NOT your fault that you ended up in this relationship. It is NOT your fault that this guy is like your father. Our brains do things behind our backs sometimes that are so beyond our control. I mean, I guess that's a bit obvious. If it were up to me, I wouldn't choose to have a single flashback. Ever.
With that said, is there anything you can do to make yourself feel safe? Meditation? More virtual hugs?

Whoa. ...I am so sorry. That is really messed up.

I hope you find things to feel safe. :love and hugs: