[catlover1]

Hi,
I was diagnosed the other day with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I have back to back panic attacks before an appointment at the mental health clinic I'm now going to. I also had a bad panic attack at the initial assessment early last week. So embarrassing! They want me there often to start, 2 times/week for individual and once/week at a group. Has anyone else ever experienced the panic about an appointment, and how did you deal with it if so? I have to go tomorrow for a first meeting with a psychiatrist for meds. I'm beside myself with anxiety and panic. I'm not even sure I can do this. I would really appreciate any suggestions for this that you may have. I'm not a group type of person, but with no insurance, it's a requirement to keep my costs as low as they are at this non profit clinic, so I'm also really stressed about my upcoming first group. I truly don't know at this point if I can go through with any of this with the anxiety and panic about it being so high. Thank you in advance.

[Open Eyes]

Hi catlover, welcome to PC and the PTSD forums. The answer to your question is "yes" a lot of people who struggle with PTSD struggle with anxiety when it comes to therapy. However, this challenge "can" ease up once you get so you settle into the therapy. Anticipation is often a common challenge with PTSD. Be kind to yourself, do your best to just put one foot in front of the other forward. You are not going to be expected to do things you don't know "how" to do yet ok? Often what they will also do in a group is teach you ways to help yourself when you experience these panic type attacks, you will not be the only one there that is struggling this way.

((Welcoming Hugs)))
OE

[catlover1]

Thank you, OpenEyes. (((hugs back))) I appreciate the response. At this point, I'm truly not sure I can get myself to go tomorrow. It's all I can do anymore to pull myself up every night to go to work, and I know what to expect there for the most part. This is a whole different animal for me. Taking the bus there while likely on the edge of panic the whole time, that's whole other issue. My husband is not supportive with this in the least, says it's "stupid" so that's not helping either. I have no friends locally, no family left living. Whatever I can get myself to do, I'm doing it on my own. I've dealt on my own with this for 2 years now, and now it's affecting my work (people have told me they don't know anymore if I'm mad or sad as they said it, and boss was waving her hand in my face, telling me to wake up when I spaced out), which is why I went for help. I'm afraid I'll lose my job at this point. However, I'm thinking maybe that would be better than dealing with going to these appointments right now. It worked at first to tell myself that I have nothing to lose in trying, which is true, but telling myself that isn't even working now. I'm not sure this degree of panic over going is worth it.

[catlover1]

Being in a room full of people will also be horrible for me too. I can see myself having a flashback there. I don't know that I can sit in a small room full of people I don't know.

I was homeless for 6 months over a Colorado winter due to a physical illness that landed me in the ICU for nearly 2 weeks, hospital for longer after that. My husband got laid off from work during that time, and we had no income. I had a superbug that attacked my lungs, then my kidneys and liver. Anyway, with nothing to fall back on, we ended up homeless a month and a half later. "Things" happened while homeless, and some of those things were in a not well controlled warming center. I used to be great with people, did well with groups. Public speaking? No problem. Now, stick me in a room with a group of people, and all, well, heck breaks loose in my mind.

Also, as a kid, I was taught by my parents to never speak to a mental health professional, taught that they'll change your words around to mean other than what you actually said, etc. That popped into my mind both times I've gone so far, and it sticks. That's when the anxiety/panic kicks in the worst.

[Open Eyes]

Oh catlover, I am so sorry you went through all that and your husband is not being supportive. Unfortunately, when I developed post traumatic stress and ended up just not being able to function, I wound up in a psych ward and my family was really "mean" to me, especially my older sister. I was pretty much yelled at and at the same time I had the PTSD shakes/chills, and I did not know why I was struggling or what post traumatic stess was. Unfortunately the attending psychiatrist failed to recognize the clear red flags too. It is very clear when reading my records, hard to look at now knowing, and seeing him totally miss these very obvious red flags that mean "trauma patient". That I have to actually have "therapy for bad therapy".

If you are struggling to attend a group like this, you need to make sure you talk about it in your private therapy.

You also need to learn how to work through these challenging attacks so you can function better at work. It definitely is a slow learning/healing process. You also deserve to have your husband be educated on how he can be more supportive with you.
That is something that really lacked with my own family, and that definitely made it so much harder for me to deal with something I honestly did not understand but was often very crippled by.

I wish from the very start I had more support, I really was treated badly for something I could not help.

((Hugs))
OE

[catlover1]

Thanks Open Eyes. I'm sorry you've struggled so much with the support issue too, as well as with the PTSD. As for my husband, he has no interest in being educated on this at all. He's not exactly the most understanding man in the world, to say the least.

So, there was a bit of a mix up, and scheduling practices have changed. I can't get in there now for the first appts until June, maybe, if I'm lucky (and I'm just not the lucky type anymore). I called today, as I was told to do, and was told, nope, nothing available, and that they'd put me on a cancellation list in case someone cancelled today. I called back about an hour ago, and they told me what's really up. You call a month before the month you want to go, so I can call every day and get put on that cancellation list, and/or I can call May 1 to possibly scheduled for mid June, like I said, if I'm lucky. So I have to go to a group that I don't want to go to, that is likely to cause flashbacks, with no medication, and no help dealing with going either. Great. this ought to be fun. sigh first group is day after tomorrow, Wednesday. Oh goody.

[catlover1]

This is just so frustrating. Hoping I can get myself into and through that group. I really can't complain much, it's a non profit, and they're that busy in the first place because they are so inexpensive for those of us with no insurance benefits to cover the cost of somewhere else.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I see what you are dealing with. See if you can do the group, you may end up actually liking it, may meet others that are kind and supportive. I understand the anxiety with the aniticpation, but considering you have no support, you just might connect with someone else in the group. It's always nice to connect with someone else that can relate and one way to meet someone like that is a support group.

((Hugs))
OE

[catlover1]

The group is likely to cause flashbacks. That's my main worry about it. If there was a way I could just even glance at the room ahead of time, maybe, I'm thinking it MIGHT be better a little at least, and as long as there's not a line I have to stand in to go in, I might be able to fight off the panic. It's not the people I have issue with. It's the room with the people in it. If it's noisy at all when I first get there, and they're in the room, I'm going to have troubles. That's mostly a given. If I could at least just glance in the room ahead of time, I might be able to ward off some of the anxiety and possibly avoid a flashback. This is why I'm having issues with going to the group.

[Open Eyes]

Perhaps you can plan on getting there very early then?

[catlover1]

yeah, going to try asking them if I can go back a minute or two early. Doubtful though. It's in a room someone behind secured doors in the clinic.

[Open Eyes]

Well, they "may" allow you to see the room early, maybe you can explain to them that you suffer from PTSD and feel it would help you. Sometimes people actually "can" be understanding.

[catlover1]

yeah. We'll see. I'm not too hopeful at this point. I'll try to try, if that makes any sense, just to keep future services somewhat "available" should I be able to get an appt. Will have to wait and see. Right now, I have to try to focus on getting myself up and out to work tonight, and tomorrow night, and each night after that.

Thank you for the help! (((hugs)))

[catlover1]

I can't do the group. I know I can't. I've been vomiting off and on all day from it, or at least dry heaves if not vomiting, due to the anxiety and panic. I have hives all over, feet, arms, neck, legs. (I get hives whenever I have a panic attack, which is often anymore) I will have to try to call them in the morning and tell them I just can't, and deal with whatever consequences from it. Hopefully it doesn't hurt my chances at any future assistance once I'm able to get an appointment, but, whatever they say, I know I can't go through with this. Not now, not with no help with it, no support...

[catlover1]

So disappointed in myself for it. But, what the heck, I guess this is just the "new me" anyway sigh

[Open Eyes]

Oh catlover, I am so sorry you are stessing so much you get sick like that. Maybe you should see if there is a medication you can take to help you stay calm, instead of having these panic attacks. Be patient with yourself ok? PTSD is not cake walk, I have struggled a great deal myself. Maybe see how you are in the morning, if not up to it, then don't go, don't be hard on yourself.

((Hugs))

[catlover1]

Thank you so much for the encouragement, Open Eyes. I made it to the clinic for the group, but had a serious panic attack when I got there. I had just decided, nope, I tried, but just couldn't go through with it, when the therapist who leads it walked out of the back area and saw me trying to pull myself together enough to even leave. She changed the room it was was held in so it wouldn't be such a big reminder, and the new room was closer to the bathrooms in case I needed that. This new room also had three exit doors, and the room was much smaller. She set the seats up so I could sit between some doors, then allowed me a few minutes in the room first before the others came in so I could adjust to it. She did this without my asking for any of it. There was a little construction on one side of the room outside it, and, being as on edge as I was, I jumped so badly when one of them did something that caused a very loud noise. She noticed, and asked them to take a break for an hour. She was actually very thoughtful and helpful with it, and I made it through the group. She said she wasn't aware I haven't been able to get the psychiatrist appt yet for medication, nor the individual therapy yet either. She said, next week, she'll have the room set up beforehand, and even apologized that it wasn't this time. She said if there's a time when I simply can't make it through group, she'll excuse me from it until I'm at least on medication. Her thoughtfulness and understanding really helped. Though I still felt like a small shriveled up being for it all.

[Open Eyes]

Oh (((catlover1))) that is wonderful that you worked so hard at going to that group and you were so well cared for and supported by that therapist. I understand how hard that was, bet you are exhausted, but that is what you need to do, reach out for help as often it really "is" there. It may turn out that once you "do" get to feel safer with this that you may meet another patient that can relate and also help you feel safe and supported too.

It may be hard to go back again, but not "as" hard because you will remember this therapist who was kind and understanding towards you. That is what you need, individuals that "see" you but are supportive so you can build up your self confidence to continue to seek help and support.

So glad you ended up having a positive experience, even though it was hard and you are probably exhausted. Get some rest and do some self soothing, you did really well.

((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[catlover1]

Thank you.

Honestly, I hate the way I am now. I absolutely despise the way I feel every single moment anymore. How can I whine about how I hate it if I don't at least make an honest effort to do something about it? I've tried finding it in me to accept the way I am now and just go from there, but I can't accept it. I no longer want to be me. I no longer want to be. I just want to curl up and wait with my cats for it all to be over. However, I'm told that therapy works. I'm told that medication will help make it work. I've read topic after topic after topic on here. I've read everything I can find online about it. I've read blogs about the process and what worked/what didn't for each person. I am having a real hard time believing that anything will work or help at all, but then, when I think about it, I haven't tried this, so how do I know? The only things I care about anymore are my cats. They won't be here forever. These cats truly saved my life, zero doubt about that, and they keep me going from day to day. But I have to work to bring home the kitty food for them (haha) and to provide for my little lifesavers. I have to try to do this. For them. And I guess, maybe a little for me too. Whether I can do it or not, I'll have to take it second by second at this point. I've never been one to give up easily. I've always been a bit stubborn. But I've also always done everything by myself, well, since my mom passed when I was 11, and even before then when I was 10 and taking care of her. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she was given maybe 3 months to live. She lived over a year and a half after that. She fought it for me, as sick and in pain as she was, she fought until she had no fight left, FOR ME. Why should I not fight for her. I'm just not positive how much fight I have left, but I'll keep trying for now until I can't anymore... I truly have nothing left to lose anyway other than my beloved cats.

[Open Eyes]

Oh ((Catlover)) sorry about your mother. I can relate to not liking how "self" is now with PTSD, I have that going on myself too. I definitely have my low days too so I hear you there. I take it one day at a time and just keep learning and trying and healing and supporting others to keep trying too. I know how lonely it gets too.

I think that you did well, and next time it will be a little easier, baby steps, that's ok. This may prove to be very helpful, so give it a chance, what do you have to lose really right? Today was a positive after all, it's important to focus on that. I believe you, I believe you are a fighter too.

((Hugs))

[catlover1]

Thanks. My mom died a long time ago. I've had a great many family deaths to deal with since then, dad, brother, sister, I have no family left living, immediate or extended.

I'm very disappointed with myself right now. I need to go to the store, but, while homeless, there were many places we stayed, and "things" happened in several of those places. The parking lot of the store I need to go to is one of those places I have a real hard time going to. I have no vehicle, but I have to walk through the parking lot when I get off the bus. I went, but I couldn't get myself through the parking lot. I turned around and caught the same bus back. With some effort, I can usually get myself to that store, but yesterday, I just couldn't do it. Not having reliable transportation, my shopping options are limited. I truly do need to go to this store. I see things getting worse like this, and it bothers me a lot. I'm just so disappointed in myself. I used to be stronger than this... I've had countless panic attacks since, both low level ones, and all out shaking, sweating, vomiting ones. The cats are out of their favorite canned food now, so maybe tomorrow, when they're bugging the crap out of me about it, I'll be able to get myself to go for them. I'd do anything for them....

[avlady]

yes i would plan on getting there early too. i think you should think of this positively although, you are going through a tough situation right now, but after think of the friends and people you'll meet who actually do relate, i'm sure alot of them are in the same boat as you. you don't have to make friends if you don't want, maybe just one person may click with you. i remember when i first went to a community mental health center i was so scared but ended up making friends and we all understood each other as we were all in the same situation in the first place being there. i've moved since then, but am in a differrent place but it did help me open up to my docs and ts since then. good luck!!

[catlover1]

Thank you avlady.

[Open Eyes]

Well, you had a big trigger about going to the group meeting. While it turned out on a positive note, it tired you out and after having a cycle like that, it is very reasonable to be very sensitive to venturing out again.

PTSD "avoidance of reminders" can be very strong, what does "help" with that is identifying "what it is and why" and then slowly re-exposing yourself to whatever it is until you realize "now" you are ok even though at one point you were not. I "know" this is not easy, I have been very challenged this way myself as well. One really has to slowly learn to "feel safe" again, it goes much deeper than a conscious decision, but instead deep into one's subconscious mind as well.

It can be literally a baby step process too. This is something people who struggle need to slowly understand, it "is" hard, and other people who have not experienced it themselves, forget it, they can't understand it sadly. Once one does realize they can actually "gain" on these challenges, they have a lot more "hope" of continuing to improve. I can't say enough, "patience with self is very important".

Try again tomorrow, your babies need their cat food that they really love to eat.

((Hugs))
OE

Hi catlover, how are you doing today?