[Justgiving]

Something happened tonight that brought me thinking of forgiveness.

They say that forgiveness is a step towards healing.

But there is things that have been done to me that I can't forget and I can't give my forgiveness to certain people. (IRL)

I will not hurt them intentionally but I will not stretch my hand to help them either.

Maybe I am a bad person to feel and think like this. If I am, then, that's who I am.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( justgiving ))))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted to give you hugs,

I also struggle with forgiveness, though I think there is to much stress put on people to forgive, I think a better word for what is needed to heal is acceptance, we must accept what has been done is done nothing can change that.

[multipixie9]

many people do not realize the true reason to forgive.

when i forgive the people who have abused me the chains that have bound me to them and the pain they caused are severed.

forgiveness is NOT a feeling, nor is it inviting unsafe people to come closer and hurt us again. forgiveness is putting abusers into God's hands and letting God deal with them. it is accepting that this bad thing happened and that it cost me something. when i let go of what i think should happen to those who abused/hurt me i am set free. it is a process most of the time, seldom instant - but it is absolutely true. forgiveness frees me!

this is what i am experiencing irl.

[Tired12]

Hi Justgiving,

I would not call a step towards healing, forgiveness. I would call it acceptance as grimmeice has suggested. I struggle with the forgiveness concept and I guess it means different things to different people though. I will never forgive a person who took the life of a loved one from me so violently. I don't even see it as a possibility. It is not an easy concept and in no way are you bad for not forgiving.
You deserve the right to not acknowledge certain peoples behaviours. I see forgiveness as acknowledgement. Were acceptance is more for you and about you and your loss.
This is hard and see the struggle.

[Sannah]

There is a part of forgiveness that lets go of the bad feelings that you hold for the person who harmed. This letting go of these feelings is what is good for the person who was harmed. Yes, you cannot be welcoming to a person who hasn't even admitted that they harmed and doesn't acknowledge the harm that they caused.

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Justgiving

Something happened tonight that brought me thinking of forgiveness.

They say that forgiveness is a step towards healing.

But there is things that have been done to me that I can't forget and I can't give my forgiveness to certain people. (IRL)

I will not hurt them intentionally but I will not stretch my hand to help them either.

Maybe I am a bad person to feel and think like this. If I am, then, that's who I am.

In total agreement with you...
I do not think of myself as a bad person, either.

Jmo
I think forgiveness is over rated in many ways. We usually do the acceptance thing of what has happened to us...and that is a huge step on this journey of healing. We do the best we can each step of the way.

Forgiveness is between my abusers and their god...

My feelings on this are quite the opposite of what most people want or need to believe about forgiveness.
I best be quiet.
Cap

[SpottedOwl]

((Justgiving))

I struggle with forgiveness too.

The way I try to think of it -- As long as I hold anger for another, I am still carrying *their* burden. They hurt me, but I am continuing to lug that hurt around.

Forgiveness is freedom from that burden. It says 'whatever you did to me, I am not responsible, and I choose to no long hold this anger in my heart.' I will never forget, but I will be free.

Just writing this out...I think has helped me! Thank you, and I hope this helps you as well.

[nowheretorun]

forgiveness is very complicated and difficult to understand for me sometimes but i currently feel that forgiving frees the forgiver, as pixie said and that there is value in forgiving if it creates a freedom of suffering for some...

to me, the critical part of forgiveness is the event which creates this question about forgiveness to begin with..

the focus is about the harm/abuse and not about what step in the process i should or shouldnt take... moving forward with a healthy attitude towards healing is what is best i believe..

leave the pain but gather all information that can be useful about the event... teach others if you are able so our whole society may learn and prepare itself against similar abuses and situations... forgiveness is an aside if we can make our experience valuable in some way but i understand how important an idea and i can perceive its health benefits... moving forward is sometimes more important than understanding... we learn as we proceed and often understand only after the facts are totaled... we can gently nudge our inner spirit towards a brighter object or hope or thought or idea and let ourselves acclimate to new ideas before we jump in .. we can backtrack and do a 'do over' ... there is time for forgiveness always, let yourself accept as gimmeice suggested... accept and adjust, if you are trying, your inner voice will tell you what fits now.. when the student is ready a teacher appears.. it is the magic of healing i have always enjoyed sending good vibes to you always ((JG))

[Capp]

jme/jmo

it took me many years to acknowledge/not keep the secrets let alone accept what had happened to me. tackling the shame and fear was terribly hard...as it is for all of us.
so it was a big step for me to come that far...denial only kept me from getting the help I needed in order to have any peace.

the affects of years of ongoing abuse had to be taken one at a time, although they were obviously a tangled mess. there were many steps I had to take before I understood that I was healing...healing, not healed. I do not believe we are healed from these things. We make progress as we go along...rather like the saying "happiness is a journey not a destination"
accepting and letting go are part of that journey, forgiveness is another part for many people. if this is what another person feels comfortable doing/saying, so be it. it does not have to be an expected goal for me.
each of us has to explore what is best for us. this should be respected, I believe.
there is no one-size-fits-all.

Cap

[multipixie9]

Capp,

We are all individuals on our own journey and we do not have to do it all the same way. I don't believe anyone is saying we must be like clones who all look and feel alike and react alike and think alike. I am SO glad we are all different. Our differences are what make us so special and spectacular. The way each of us does it gives us our own "story" of how we arrive at healing...someday.

My only real wish is that the journey was shorter! But, it is what it is. I value what you have to say and I am glad you spoke up and shared.

leslie and the pixies

[Capp]

leslie and the pixies, thank you...

Sometimes I get the feeling that there are people who do feel that every one of us should jump on the wagon of "I Forgive."
I sincerely respect their choice as they make their way on their path...
However, I do not feel that anyone,obviously that includes me, should be judged as not being on the true path of healing unless I do as they do--forgive.

In an earlier post on a different thread, I shared that after a session with my abuser that he went outside and smashed his head against a rock while begging for mercy and understanding from his god.
I knew at that moment it was something beyond me/my understanding.
He was mentally disturbed, was aware of this, yet his decision was to continue with the abuse.

My years of being a psychiatric nurse have given me a bit of understanding and compassion for many violent offenders. I still hold them, and my abuser, accountable for their actions.
Over the years, my thoughts have gone through an evolution and this is the way it should be--I've no desire to stagnate in any part of my life.

Forgiveness frees me? No, it frees them from responsibility from what they did to us.
Accepting it happened, letting go of the shame and guilt, and loving myself freed me.
Again, forgiveness is between them and their god.
Again, jmo.

There is also another side of it...jmo.
If I'm as honest as I can allow myself to be, the abuse made me stronger. It made me defiant that he, and the others, would not bring me to my knees, I would leave there as soon as I could, and I resolved to never treat another human being in the same way...I was not aware of generational issues at that point.
The strength and determination helped me get through two years in the Nam war. I would not be defeated by the pain and suffering of those young men...that didn't work out, though. After so many deaths and holding hands with the ones who made it, I was drained and hardened.
During the years I was homeless and didn't give one iota about what happened to me? There's that hidden strength again.
Do I thank them for it? No.
Am I grateful there was a Higher Power that stood with me and helped me survive? Yes.
Did it take me years to see it this way? Absolutely.

Everyone travels at their own pace and reaches their personal conclusions, and this is all right/as it should be. That it changes over the years is a gift less we die old and bitter and ignorant.

Cap

[Sannah]

Is there a way to release your own heart and still hold the abuser accountable?

[Capp]

not exactly sure what you mean...
anything specific in my reply?

Cap

[Sannah]

This is what I read the dilemma to be?

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is what I read the dilemma to be?

head cold might be messing with my thinking...
I don't have a dilemma about it

[Sannah]

ok, my mistake!

[Capp]

I do ramble and confuse folks even when I don't have a head cold!
Cap

[Justgiving]

Thank you to all of you for replying. I appreciate your time, your knowlegde, your understanding and your support.

What brought me to this " forgiveness thing " is that my husband asked me to give something to someone who has hurt me very deeply ( My husband knows what has happened) and I said no that I would not give this person anything. I know I took a chance in saying no to my husband because he gets angry very easilly but I also know myself, I don't give if it's not from my heart. I will not pretend that I have forgiven someone if I didn't.

I do accept what has happened between me and this person. I do accept that it was out of my control. I do accept that I was not to blame in any way. I do accept the hurt that is not healed. But, I will not forget or forgive.

For myself I think there is situations that I can give my forgiveness to some people but there is also situations where I just can't. The hurt is too profond.

I also think that the word " forgiveness " can have a different meaning to different people and that's ok. To each our meaning and to each our respect.

Thank you so much.

[multipixie9]

a written forum has limitations in communicating meaning and in demonstrating someone's experiences to other people. subjects that are emotional and /or spiritual may be hard to convey to other people. i sometimes feel frustrated when i have attempted to share something important and come up short in helping people understand exactly what i meant. i think this is just the way it is when we express ourselves in words on anonymous computers. but hey, it sure beats nothing! it is awesome to share with people from around the world.

in recent years i have experienced forgiveness in powerful ways. i forgave abusers and their offenses stopped haunting my mind and emotions. it seemed like invisible, spiritual chains dropped off me and so i said: forgiveness frees me.

my forgiveness DOESN'T relieve abusers of one scrap of accountability for their actions - legally, morally, spiritually. i believe the offenders will face God someday. when i forgive i am free to NOT be judge, jury, jailor. this leaves my emotional/spiritual/physical energy free for the healing process.

over the past few years my belief about forgiveness has changed substantially. i thought it meant i was somehow not wanting them to be responsible for their actions/harm. i think i have changed my understanding. forgiveness is part of the work i do as i proceed to heal. i think taking responsibility is the offender's work if he/she ever wishes to become something more than an offender/criminal.

when i was abused i was trapped in an invisible prison. the offense, my feelings of hurt, shame, anger, pain forged bars that held me prisoner inside the experience of abuse. all i ever really wanted since then was to escape that prison and walk free of my past. for me, forgiveness is one of the tools that will unlock my cell and release me.

[Sannah]

Justgiving, you need to do what you need to do for yourself, whatever you need.........

[Sannah]

Drama Mama made a comment about forgiveness in her thread "Insulted by daughter's......" in the Abuse Forum. I quoted her comment in that thread, post #30. I really liked this comment about forgiveness.

((( Justgiving )))

I struggle with forgiveness too. I have no idea how to do it and make it "stick." I want to believe in it when (if) I do it and not just "say it." That seems impossible to me sometimes.

Some hurts we cannot forget, nor should we.

But . . . I'm working on trying to find some peace in forgiveness that might help me be free from the chains of hurt that bind me.

I want to break free from that hurt because holding on to it is making me ill and bitter. The "release" of the negative energy just might help me truly heal.

Just gotta figure out how to do it.

Baby steps.

[phoenix7]

HI Justgiving and everyone else on this thread ,

I think before I can forgive my abuser/attacker I will have to find room in my heart to forgive myself - while there is till blame and shame I dont think there is room for forgiveness but I am happy for anyone who has found it P7

p.s., and no I dont think it makes you a bad person if you cant forgive - i think you need to heal yourself before you can look to others - although its all part of the whole healing process. Which like everyone else here I truly wish was shorter! take care P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I think before I can forgive my abuser/attacker

I will have to find room in my heart to forgive myself - while there is till blame and shame I dont think there is room for forgiveness

Yes, this sounds like a good first step. How is your progress on this?

(Justgiving))))))))))))))))))))))) forgiveness is a very hard part to healing
But it does do wonders for the heart
You are such a kind person and caring
please know i care
muffy