So Many People...

Thank you, Christine.. But.. How do you know I'm beautiful??
Huh. Well. That's pretty stationary at the moment. I',m doing everything i can to get out, but they need to move me onto a gold membership with the council so that i can get a really decent falt. So hopefully it'll be next week that I get moved on to it and the week after I'll be able to start looking for some flats. So.. It's yet anothr waiting game! Woohoo!

I have already been to the dr about it, but he just doesn't understand why I'd want to diet... I just sit there and think 'why don't you see what I see? That I'm fat?!' I weighed myself this morning, scarily enough and found out that I'm just under 160lbs.. I'm around the 156 mark, which means I'm losing weight already - Yayyy!!
My dr's referring me to the practice counsellor, but there's quite a big waiting list, so.. It might not happen, but he's determined to get me some help with the rape.. I didn't go and see my cpn on Wednesday, I really didn't feel up to it, I was in a really bad way, so in the end, decided not to go and spent the time with Connor instead.

I'm in so much pain at the moment and I'm in college, almost fainting.. Not such a good idea, but if I told my tutor it was because of my period, she'd make me stay in college, even if it would make m faint.. :S She's not sympathetic at all.

My adoptive parents used to hit me. My boyfriend never has but because of my past of being hit, whenever Connor raises his voice, i get so terrified that he's going to hit me that I curl in a ball and try to get away.. It's not his fault, it's The Adoptive Family's fault. Whenever they raised their voice, i knew that was when i was in big trouble and all the s**t would be taken out on me and if I missed something, or didn't do it the way they wanted, I'd get a slap.. Especially if I questioned what they'd told me to do, if I didn't understand what they meant or something.

So Yeah.. I'm really skittish, feel fat and ugly and I'm terrified of anyone that shouts, even myself.. Someone that lives in the same supported housing as me, broke his mirror not long ago, he threw mugs and such at it and it shattered. Charlene pointed out yesterday that there was one tiny bit left and Rich said that if I really wanted to, i could knock it off. So I punched it (I was quite angry), bruised and grazed my knuckles a bit, but the mirror's fully gone now. i almost went down to my room and broke mine too, but I knew that Connor would go crazy at me for it :S. So I'm pretty much all over the place at the moment..

I'm sorry your adoptive parents hit you - its always sad when people who should be protecting you dont - there should be psychological screening for adoptive parents - even parents!!!!

Good news that you are on the list for a new place and that your dr is helping you get to see a counciller - can you dr write a letter to the council for you to speed things up? my brother got one from his dr and it helped.

The shouting thing - I understan that - my parents used to scream at each other - I still cringe when I hear loud voices - not something i have talked about in therapy but maybe i should - so make sure you do when and note I said WHEN you get your counciller

Have you spoken with your Dr about the period pain? if its bad enough to make you feel faint you may need some meds to help - just a thought.

anyway, take care and try to be kind to yourself P7

Me too.. I just wonder why they chose me to output all the force of their punches, kicks, slaps etc. I guess I was an easy target, an easy punchbag. I'm trying to start some sort of campaign to have psychological screening for adoptive parents, because my foster parents are the only people who I remember treating me well.. i don't remember much of my childhood with my Mum and Dad, apart from what my Mum told me about my step Dad beating me too..

I will talk to my dr about it and see what he says.. He's been the most helpful person to me throughout all of this, and I'm really grateful for that. Plus, my heart melts every time I see him because he's so good looking! *chuckles*

Connor and I had a huge argument last night, after he found a sheet with the amount of alcohol I'd been drinking, when, where and who with, on my counter.. I've been doing it for my health and wellbeing worker.. Anyway, he started having a massive go at me saying he didn't realise it was such a bad problem and that no matter what I say, it is a huge problem and needs to be dealt with and that I'm stupid, ending up like my own Mother, f*cking up my system and my head etc. I got angry too and said things about how he'd said after I'd come back from doing step aerobics and 'legs bums and tums' workouts, with Dom; a fitness trainer here, "see if you did this every week, the weight would drop off and you'd feel so much better about yourself" i turned around and said "you know, i hate it when you say things in that way.. It'll make me feel better? Yeah, but what you're thinking is it'll make you feel better not having to be with a fat s**t of a girlfriend who's depressed and doesn't know what to do anymore! I hate being so f*cking fat! And you never see that do you?!" It's just not the sort of thing you say to someone whose ED is getting worse, is it? We then completely exploded on each other, I punched a wall and the bed and was literally pulling my hair out with frustration and anger. I was so scared, I cowered in any corner away from him that I could. Not because I'm scared of him, just because of raised voices etc.

I made sure, when he got into bed, that I turned away from him when I got ready for bed and was stood in front of the wall so he couldn't see me.. Even though he partly could. Then I literally scrubbed my face until it was red raw to get the makeup off. I went to get into bed and he said "I don't have to stay in bed if you don't want me to, I can sleep on the floor" I came back quite snappily with "For christ's sake, Connor.. I may seem like a cow, but I'm not such a f*cking ****** as to stop you sleeping with me. *sigh* you're fine where you are." I got into bed and said "If you don't want to sleep with me, then you don't have to, but i want to sleep with you, so it's your choice whether you want to stay here or not" earlier on, when he'd asked if I'd already signed him in as an overnight guest and i had said yes, he'd said "that's a shame" as if to say he didn't want to stay. :@:@!!! That really got to me, so I cried even more and completely broke down.

After a while of staring at the ceiling and realising I'd forgotten to take my meds (which was probably part of the reason I was so easily enraged :S), I got up and took them, then got back in and snuggled up to him. He cried then and I comforted him. We both apologised and he said it's not my fault, it's his.. He should be more compassionate instead of shouting at me, and just talk it through instead of shouting because he knows how much it scares me and such. I said that I understand that it's hard for him because.. Where I've experienced so much, I'm more able to be compassionate with people, when people who hadn't been through this would normally get quite angry and such, which is what he's like because he's not experienced anyone like me. I said "it's like with Sky and Allie. Sky is more compassionate to me, because Allie explained a lot of things to her about depressiona nd such, so Sky understands it and doesn't get angry with me, because me and Allie have been through pretty much the same things and Sky has learned a lot from her, so she's able to be more compassionate, which is why I turn to her so much for help.. I'm trying to help you, that's all Connor.. I know you get angry, but.. Just by being willing to listen and try to understand, not neccessarily accept it, just try to understand why I do/think the things I do, ok? Then I'd come to you more for help etc.. I know you get angry and upset about the fact that I turn to Sky so much over you, but it's not that I want to spend more time with her than I do you, no way is it like that.. It's that she helps me to understand myself a lot more and because you don't understand my thought processes and actions etc. so much, it's hard for you to help, do you see what I'm getting at? There's things I've explained to Sky that, when I forget them, she can remind me and that helps." So, we made up after that.. With the added in make up sex :P

Which, on another note.. Was difficult, again.. I can't have him even breathe on my neck because it reminds me of the rape.. I can't have him stroke my face or legs or anywhere on my body because it reminds me.. It's horrid, but.. I guess for now he's just got to accept it.

I haven't spoken to my dr about the pain, no.. I'll talk to him about it on Monday, plus becaus my hair's been falling out, he asked if my periods had been unusually heavy and I'd said no, because they hadn't, but now they are, and he thinks it could be down to anemia, so.. He checked it on the hospital system after my blood tests after the OD, but nothing came up like that, so I guess it's more tests to be done for me! Woohoo..

I'm really confused about this burn.. I feel like it's quite close to the burn and everytime I hit it, I can't move my finger :S its quite red around the outside and yellow on the inside, so I'm thinking maybe there's a hint of infection there too because it's really painful too.. Any ideas?

Thanks everyone, your replies have been really helpful, I'm just really struggling at the moment, and as I said to Connor last night, I don't realise things are building up so much until I completely explode... So.. I'm kinda stuck as to how to stop that.

the burn does sound like its infected so make sure you show your dr - sooner rather than later - always best to nip these things in the bud -

maybe Conner will understand a bit better now - maybe when things are calm you will be able to sit down and have a conversation about this with him?

I'm glad you have some support now - take care P7

PND, . i so sorry for the terrible things that have been done to you. i am glad you felt safe enough to post here at pc about these events/traumas. i care about you.
please know that you deserve to have loving people around you. you are of value. i've read many of your posts. i'm glad you are here with us. many of us do know the feelings you are experiencing. i hope our sharing with you gives you validation of the pain you feel. keep in touch with us.

I don't have to know what you look like to know that you are beautiful. Whether you realize it or not, you are a beautiful person who is worth the world. I only know you from PC and I know that much about you. It must be a blessing to have such a wonderful person like you around as a friend or family member IRL.

Don't underestimate yourself, you are worth more than you realize. I wish you the best.

Thank you, that means so much to me!! made me cry

I had a pretty bad night the other night.. I was talking to Sky and so much came up and she got really upset with me because I was bringing so much up and blaming myself for so much... She said that I was really, horribly torturing myself and she just didn't understand why.. She told me to stop it, but once I was started, I just couldn't let it go.. I couldn't just stop and drop it.. It was like in the argument with Connor I'd shouted "I blame myself for everything. EVERYTHING!! I blame myself for my Dad killing himself, for my Mum being an alcoholic, for us being fostered, for us being put into an adoptive home, for me being kicked out, Sam dying, Chris dying, being beaten all my life apart from during the time that I was with Nanny Doreen and Grandad Don (foster parents), everything to do with you. I DO give a s**t about you, it may not seem like it but I f*cking well DO!!! If anything, I care about you too much, I care about you so much more than I care about myself.. I HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I HATE ME!!!!!" That shocked him.. I felt bad for saying it because I'd supressed that all along, too.. Nobody knows how much i hate myself, not even my workers.. It's terrible I know.. But I just can't tell anyone how I really feel about myself because I'm afraid that they'll question it and get mad at me or something for blaming myself for things like that.. I feel like they're all my fault because I don't fit in anywhere and because I keep thinking.. Why would I have been beaten, kicked out, shouted at, and picked on all my life if I didn't deserve it?

So many people tell me off for being too hard on myself, but.. It's just.. It's the way I got through such tough times.. I guess it's just something that I feel the need to do to make me toughen up a bit, feel like I'm actually a strong person like so many people say I am and I guess just to get me through these kinds of days.

I did go to the drs about the burn, yes.. And he said it was slightly infected, so gave me some cream and dressings to stop the infection getting any worse. So typing feels a bit strange because I can't bend my finger properly!!

When he asked how college was and I said I'm on top of my work, he laughed and said "that's the first time you've said that to me, well done and keep it up" I laughed too and he said he sounded like a teacher LOL. So, yeah.. I'm being kept on the meds I'm on now but if my sleep doesn't improve anymore, or my mood worsens, then he'll add sleeping tablets and such.

((((((((((((((((((((k))))))))))))))))))))))
That technique may have gotten you through in the past, honey, but maybe consider it's time to let it go. You don't need to blame yourself anymore. It could be time to look back on all the hurt and pain and abuse and realize that it really isn't your fault. This is where opening up to your workers will help you. They can help see that there is nothing-nothing at all that you could have done to deserve all that. Of course that's how the abusers wanted you to feel. I still am amazed at your light that has shined through all this--please, talk to them, let them help you make it shine even brighter by realizing it isn't your fault. You take on the weight of the world, honey. Now it's time to just take on you.

I take on the weight of the world because I want to prove to anyone and everyone that i am a good person, that I will help anyone who needs it.. Which is why, now, I'm setting up a campaign. All off my own back, someone was talking to me the other day and brought up psychological screening for foster carers and adoptive parents. This gave me the biggest idea ever, to set up a campaign to get this. psychological screening for all foster carers and for all prospective adoptive parents. To keep children, like me, safe from such abuse and harrassment and such.. difficulties with coming to terms with what happened to them and having to stop blaming themselves etc.

So, I'm going to print off as many forms as possible, to get them signed by as many people as possible so that i can send off petitions and such to the right people to hopefully get this looked into. Because it's just another thing to do to make people see that I am a good person. I can't help it, i just need to do that.

Pff. f*cking police are being completely useless!! First, they say "do you not remember us calling you THE DAY AFTER YOUR INTERVIEW to say that because of Sam's, doggens and Ali's statements, we'd not be able to take the case any further and you could get your stuff back whenever you liked?" NO!! I don't remember because you didn't effing tell me!! Then, I go to get my stuff today and they say "oh.. You need ID to get it" FFS!!! She could have easily said those SEVEN words over the phone then i wouldn't be having to go back and forth! So, now.. I'm going into my hypnotherapy session in a really bad mood, feeling really anxious and tried and upset and fuming, which is NOT going to help at all and Laura's (the hypnotherapist) going to notice it and probably ask how things have been then I'll explain and get even more worked up.. Then Alec'll ask how things are and I'll just rant and rant and rant and he'll be like; whoa and I'll be like; whoa and we'll all be like; whoa, because I never rant like that and I'll just get really angry and upset and probably start crying like a big fat baby :@!!!

*sigh* I'm so peed off right now!! BUT last night, I was talking to a friend online about all of this and she said "I'll go to my sexual assault team about this" I was like.. You work for the police??? and she said "yeah, I work for forensics for the West Midlands, Warwickshire, and West Mirkshire police force. I'm going to go to the sexual assault team here and see how strong they think your case is, because to me, it's rape whether you asked them to use a condom or not. It's still rape because you told them you didn't want it. And that's final. Somerset and Avon police force are notorious for being really, terribly, s**t for this type of case and I'm sorry you've had their s**tty-ness dumped on you. It's so f*cking unjust!" And yes, it is SOOOOO UNJUST!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!! WHY ARE THEY SO EFFING USELESS?!?!

She said that I might be able to drag up the case from ages ago too because it's not even been a year since that happened, yet. So, that means that guy can wipe that sickly smirk right off his face because I'll be the one smirking at him now because I know that my case is strong enough to win just like.. *snaps fingers* that! I mean.. How can it not be so effing blatent that I was raped, when the guy used the date rape drug?! How can that not be obvious????!!! WTF??? *gahhhh!!* Just goes to show how useless the police here are. i was talking to Charlene and Rich about it last night, saying how I can just imagine the amount of girls that have become more screwed in the head because of such a s**ty police force, dropping their cases no matter how strong they are, just because they can't be f*cked with the paper work and the costs etc. It makes me sick. They went on EVERYTHING BUT FORENSIC EVIDENCE. Yeah, 3 people said it was consented, so what??!! they were friends!! Sticking up for each other!! CHRIST!!! It doesn't take much to work it out!!!

Anyway.. I need to get to my hypnotherapy now.. I'm all worked up and mad and gahhh! So.. I'm gonna be a bit huffy and quite anxious now..

I think you forgot to breathe again! I think your idea is a smashingly great one!!! Absolutely people should have to undergo psychiatric testing/counselling before being allowed to be fosters and adopt. Years and years and years ago my parents were fosters, we always always always had kids in our house when I was growing up. They did have to meet with a counsellor of some kind. (I was too young to remember what was done, but I remember sitting outside the office waiting!). I'm so glad that you have a friend who will help you or at least encourage you to persue this case and the previous one!! That will be great if she can get someone to move on it! It is terrible that the police did nothing--how many more times do that, how many more people are still walking the streets that should be locked up? Scarey thought!! I hope you were able to relax a bit in hypnotherapy!

I did, yes, I know.. But I was just so angry and upset and such that I really needed to release some of it. Laura laughed when i told her I'd been ranting on a computer lol. Yes, I relaxed quite a bit. Not as much as last time, but quite a bit. My anxiety levels weren't so high this time and she did some anger stuff with me, learning to be calm and such and deal with situations effectively, which was useful. i told her quite a lot and was surprised about that. i think because she's so cheerful and isn't whole-heartedly serious, it helps me to relax a little and tell her things that i wouldn't normally tell people.

She said I need to stop beating myself up about things that happened in the past. They're the past and can't be changed, but I, as a person can change the way i feel about them and see the positive in them, which makes sense.. She said that she can see that I have the confidence there, but I just have to believe in my confidence and in myself a lot more, be less shy about it and more extrovert, like the person deep down wants to be, but is being smothered by a safety net. You know?

It was so enlightening to just.. Hear all these nice things she had to say about me, nd it really lifted my mood.. I mean.. I've had trouble with the police being useless, but they can get on and be useless because I'm taking it into my own hands and making sure something gets done. I do feel a little tearful, but I couldn't just breakdown, not in college.. I really hope I don't feel the same when I'm with Alec because he'll pick up on it and push and push until I do end up ranting at him or crying.. I'll really beat myself up then. And I'll start to stutter as well and that'll just make things worse... *BREATHES!!!*

I know that I had a really cool, and lovely social worker, but I don'[t remember my foster parents, or my adoptive parents, when they started fostering, having to see anyone :S so I don't know. But yeah, I really think this is a hugely disastrous subject and people just don't realise where they're going wrong. Yeah they have police checks, but just because someone doesn't have a criminal record, doesn't mean they're nuts and could physically, sexually or emotionally abuse a child, does it? I don't know how they couldn't have thought of this in the first place. It drives me crazy!

I just wish that the police were more helpful.. i mean.. I still haven't had anyone from victim support get into contact with me. A few people have said to set up a group for sufferers of any form of abuse and I'm thinking about it, but I just don't think I'd have the time.. And I don't know how to advertise it.. And all those other aspects. I guess talking to Abi and Nick would be a good idea, because Abi would say what she thinks about it and nick would be able to come up with ideas on advertising it. Plus, there'd be costs of renting a place for a night a week to run the group and such.

There's so much to think about and I'm all confuzzled and it's like *sigh* but at the same time it's like Yayy!! *waves hands in the air and dances*
Blimey, my shoulders are so tense. I just let them dropped and they dropped hugely! I'm so tense.. I had a headache when I went into my hypnotherapy, but after a while it went away, so I could just concentrate on her voice and just.. being..

Another hour and a half until my meeting with Alec.. Ugh.. What a drag!!! What can i do for an hour and a half? Hmmm I've just seen kate go by, might go speak to her, see how she is getting on with the pregnancy and such. Gahhh! See?! it's me being me again! Caring about others, constantly asking how they are and not thinking about myself at all! It's just a bit annoying.. Laura's given me a sheet to fill out for whenever I think negative thoughts and when where what got me angry and who I was with, what mood I was in before getting angry and then come back to it later on and say what I could have done instead of getting angry.

*sigh* I'm so tired and tense.. And so weak because i haven't eaten all day, but then again I don't plan to. I'm doing well so far and connor probably thinks I've eaten something, so he's not caught on yet.. I wonder how it's going to be on Friday.. When i go to do step aerobics and stuff and I haven't eaten anything.. Dom would go nuts if he found out. he probably wouldn't let me do it until he saw me eat something. I hate eating in front of people as it is. There'd be no chance he'd see me eat :S

Sky said not to take it too far and if I feel myself taking it too far I have to talk to her, but I just know she'll try talking me out of it.. I can't be talked out of it.. i'm too fat to carry on eating.. If I could post a picture i would.. I'll try at some point. You'll all say "oh but you're so pretty" just like everyone does, but.. I'm not!!

We'll all say "oh you're so pretty" because you are. I saw the pictures of you on myspace when I heard your song. You were younger then. But honey, I've told you all along you are beautiful. But I'm a mom and I'm 20 years older than you, so I see beauty where you don't. But you will. Without starvation, without killing yourself doing workouts. You will.

She said I need to stop beating myself up about things that happened in the past. They're the past and can't be changed, but I, as a person can change the way i feel about them and see the positive in them, which makes sense.. She said that she can see that I have the confidence there, but I just have to believe in my confidence and in myself a lot more, be less shy about it and more extrovert, like the person deep down wants to be, but is being smothered by a safety net. You know?

Gee, sounds like the things Laura told you are some of the things we've talked about. I'm so so so glad you had someone IRL tell you these things. Someone you trust, someone to listen to you. That makes me so very happy!!

About the idea of setting up a support group, advertising for it would be simple--fliers can made on the computer and hung around campus, around town, left in doctors offices, at pharmacies, talk to some clothing stores in the local mall and see if they would put fliers in their shopping bags for a day. A lot of times local churches (at least here) will donate space in their basement or meeting room for meetings such as these. If not, maybe the local hospital or clinic. Get as many donations as you can--including the space. A classroom at college, cafeteria at a highschool, talk to a bakery about donating coffee. (All of which reminds me I need to get moving on my next ICD support group--everyone is clammering for it again!). It will be beneficial to you as well as anyone else who comes. (A word of advice from someone who runs a support group--do NOT be disheartened if you don't have a good turn out the first few times. Especially for your kind of support, it's hard to go to, hard to admit, maybe embarrasing). As you go on, maybe you could convince a victim advocate to come talk, to tell what to expect, etc (which, at this point for you is a big NOTHING!)

Be up front with Alec, that's the only way he can help!

I just posted in the anxiety and phobia section. I'm completely panicking about this.

I have new photos up on my myspace page now.. And the others are almost 2 years old now.. I can't help but starve.. i need to, It's the only way that I'll feel beautiful, that I'll feel like I fit in, that I'll feel that I'm good at SOMETHING, ANYTHING..
I have listened to all that you've said and taken it in, but sometimes, I just can't help but take everything out on myself.. If I don't do it physically, I do it mentally.. Idk, I can't just *stop* doing it.. I know that Sky understands and that you understand, but I just don't seem able to just drop this, let it go.. I haven't had enough time.. I've only, in the past couple of months started properly thinking and talking about all of it..

What do I say to Alec though? I can't just blurt it out, surely.. I mean, I'm tempted to start off by saying that I've been thinking about things in a lot more depth more recently and started actually thining about how I really feel about them and so on and so forth.. But I know I'll just chicken out.. this is the first time I'll have ever spoken about it and I'm terrified.. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about ym Dad comitting suicide and about my Mum being an alcoholic.. I mean.. We went through this last week and he said "but what did you do to cause that?" and i was like idk.. and he said "if anything, you were a tiny, tiny proportion of your Mum becoming an alcoholic and your dad comitting suicide.." then I said that I guessed the main reason Mum became an alcoholic was because of Dad comitting suicide and the main reason for Dad comitting suicide was because him and Mum split up

But yet.. I still blame myself for everything... And i just can't seem to stop it, no matter how much people reassure me of the reasons for such things, or reassure me that it's not my fault that my adoptive parents and step dad beat me, it's because they got some sort of sick fun, power out of it..

When I spoke to Laura, she said 2on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, 1 being the lowest, how would you rate your confidence today?" I said "today..? Uhh.. Well, actually today.. I feel i'm on about a scale of 7. I feel quite confident today, but not completely" "Ok, and in general?" "In general, about 4.." Then she did the same but with anger and how much in control of it I think I am I aid "uhhhm. About a 3 I guess" and gave an uneasy laugh, because i felt embarrassed about the fact that I can't control my anger because I'm never able to recognise when I just push things down and when they're building up and they've built up to the max and I explode.. I can never recognise when they're building up too much.. So, Laura's going to work on that with me too. I was twitching a lot today in hypnotherapy and could feel/"see" (my eyes were closed) something flickering in the corner of my right eye and then realised that the rapist had come into view. I panicked, hence why my anxiety levels didn't drop so low as normal. Laura said my anxiety levels drop quite quickly which is great, because not many people have that ability to just relax so quickly. I guess it's because she's female and I trust her, whereas if it was a male hypnotherapist, my anxiety levels would be sky high. They probably wouldn't budge at all.. But just.. Certain things, like the rapist and other things just kept popping up in my mind and I was trying so hard to concentrate on her voice and it did help a little. It was a good distraction. She said that my anxiety levels dropping quite quickly hsows that I do put an awful lot of effort into it, that I try my best to focus all my attention on her.. I didn't tell her about the rapists face coming into the picture, looming over me.. i was too scared that she might say that we should stop it for a while, because it helps more than anything.. It doesn't make me worse..

Anyway, I'm just feeling really, horribly sick at the moment because I'm so anxious about this meeting with Alec. What to do???

Yep, sometimes just blulrting is the best way, that way you don't have time to talk yourself out of it. Sometimes going slow is the best way. Now, I do have to disagree on what he said about that you may have had a tiny, tiny part in your mom and dad's situation. YOU HAD NO PART. It was how they chose/knew to cope with life that caused it. Yes, you were in their life---their choice not yours. They chose to handle it they way did--you had no no no part in it. That is a 100% normal reaction--wondering what you did to cause it. The part you have to reach is belief that the answer to that question is not a blessed thing!

He did then say that I'd done nothing wrong. That I could, for now believe that I could have been (and note the could!!) a tiny, tiny part in their choices, but that I need to realise that I was no part in it..

God, 10 minutes to go.. I need to meet Connor first.. He'll pick up on it, but there's nothing he can do to be honest.. Dammit!

i just hope it goes ok, I just hope that he doesn't notice my chewed nails and panicky look on my face and other such obvious giveaways as to how I'm really feeling..

will update you when I get home.. Thanks for the advice..