[phoenix7]

why is it that is seems for every good feeling a bad feeling follows ?

Is it because we (I) am afraid of feeling good? or losing the good feeling?

or afraid of the bad feeling coming back so we do somthing to make ourselves feel bad?

hmmmm afraid.....

wouldnt it be nice to not be afraid anymore ? waiting for the next trigger? trying not to wait for the next trigger?

To be able to go to a friends sons funeral because you are not close to the edge and cant stand crowds as they make you panic? (to not feel like dirt because you were too weak to go)

Wouldnt it be nice if you stopped hurting yourself for more than a week?

(after making it through nine months you would think you would make longer than a week.)

Wouldnt it be nice if the sadness went away and never returned... until it was appropriate?

Wouldnt it be nice to be able to cry.. to be human again...

Wouldnt it be nice to be able to focus solely on the good and let the bad flow by....

it would be nice ... wouldnt it .

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

why is it that is seems for every good feeling a bad feeling follows ?

Aren't the good feelings more now because you are progressing where previously there were few?

Is it because we (I) am afraid of feeling good? or losing the good feeling?

or afraid of the bad feeling coming back so we do somthing to make ourselves feel bad?

Did you come up with any answers on these questions yet?

hmmmm afraid.....

wouldnt it be nice to not be afraid anymore ? waiting for the next trigger? trying not to wait for the next trigger?

Is the anticipatory fear more than the actual trigger?

To be able to go to a friends sons funeral because you are not close to the edge and cant stand crowds as they make you panic? (to not feel like dirt because you were too weak to go)

You can only do what you can do!

Wouldnt it be nice if you stopped hurting yourself for more than a week?

(after making it through nine months you would think you would make longer than a week.)

You have had a difficult patch going on lately, though......

Wouldnt it be nice if the sadness went away and never returned... until it was appropriate?

Your sadness is appropriate now........

Wouldnt it be nice to be able to cry.. to be human again...

You are human now!

Wouldnt it be nice to be able to focus solely on the good and let the bad flow by....

then we wouldn't be human..........

it would be nice ... wouldnt it .

[phoenix7]

Aren't the good feelings more now because you are progressing where previously there were few?

yes - but they always seem to have an equal bad feeling to follow 0- I havnt learned how to stop that - or maybe its just the return to my normal state of play


Is it because we (I) am afraid of feeling good? or losing the good feeling?

or afraid of the bad feeling coming back so we do somthing to make ourselves feel bad?

Did you come up with any answers on these questions yet?

from experience I know that the bad keeps following the good - I hold it at bay as long as I can but it always comes back...

Is the anticipatory fear more than the actual trigger?

its like keeping your guard up - when I let it down and relax a bit some dumb thing triggers me - somtimes things that havnt triggered me before

You can only do what you can do!

I know.... but it still hurts .... the person I was would have gone - but she's dead now - theres only this new person and I dont know who she is

You have had a difficult patch going on lately, though......

yep but I had some good things happen - I held onto them as long as I could....

Your sadness is appropriate now........maybe ...

You are human now! dont feel it but thankyou

Wouldnt it be nice to be able to focus solely on the good and let the bad flow by....

then we wouldn't be human.......... hmmm thinking...... guess you're right.

it would be nice ... wouldnt it .
..................

((phoenix))))
wouldn't it be nice if you knew you mattered
wouldn't it be nice if you knew we all cared about you
wouldn't it be nice if you knew I can relate to alot of what you just said
wouldn't it be grand if that afraid feeling went away forever
wouldn't it be nice if i could wave my wand and make it leave for you
wouldn't it be nice if you knew how much you have helped me
wouldn't it be nice if you knew I hope things get better for you today
(((((((((((you do matter))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
remember if you can with PTSD there are ups and downs Im so sorry you having a down
tell us more, we will all listen

[phoenix7]

thanks Sannah, and Muffy

yes I guess this is a down - should be used to it - its all part of the cycle - I know how it goes - but each time it leaves I hope it wont return - I try not hope that - but I do.... and when I cant do something it reminds me that that part of me is ... I dont know... still broken... gone.... makes me feel bad/sad....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

yes - but they always seem to have an equal bad feeling to follow 0- I havnt learned how to stop that - or maybe its just the return to my normal state of play

Realistically, you are where you are because of what happened to you. The only way for the bad to leave for good is to have worked to that point.

its like keeping your guard up - when I let it down and relax a bit some dumb thing triggers me - somtimes things that havnt triggered me before

But is the anticipation worse than just going with the flow with triggers?

I know.... but it still hurts .... the person I was would have gone - but she's dead now - theres only this new person and I dont know who she is

This question is on the other thread now........

................

[phoenix7]

I try to go with the flow.... yes anticipaton is worse or at least equal to the triggers - there were 3 police cars and a rescue truck outside my units today - dont know what happened .... triggered me - a few years ago a man chased me with a weapon (trying not to trigger anyone) I got away called the police and they came with 3 cars - I guess tonight triggered me - I just want to feel safe again - if only for a little while...

[Sannah]

So anticipatory anxiety just adds to the triggers that you are going to experience anyway and you always survive your triggers. Do you get what I am getting at?

I'm sorry that you had to experience that,,,,,,,,,,,

The only way to feal safe is to overcome your automatic responses. I hope I am not coming across as too rough here!

[phoenix7]

no you're not coming across as too rough Sannah - I cant imagine you ever would

I get that anticipating is not good - but I cant seem to switch off the hyper vig..... T tried with EMDR but I had to stop - my hands went into fists and I kept hearingthe word PROTECT shouting in my head! Wish I could switch it off...sigh..

I know, but how do I do that - if its automatic? I didnt even realise the police cars triggerd me till now and thats a few hours afterwards

[Sannah]

Have you ever focused on stopping the hypervigilance? I mean by finding yourself anticipating and then focusing on that with self talk and self soothing?

You can't just switch it off. You stop the automatic responses with focused work on what is being triggered.

For you to recognize what was triggered by those police cars is pretty good. How did you handle the trigger? How did it go?

So each paragragh here addresses 3 different things going on -
1) hypervigilance and anticipatory anxiety
2) working on the stuff that is being triggered
3) surviving the triggers in the present

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Have you ever focused on stopping the hypervigilance? I mean by finding yourself anticipating and then focusing on that with self talk and self soothing?

yes I tell myself I am safe but I dont believe it - I say I can do this - I can survive this

You can't just switch it off. You stop the automatic responses with focused work on what is being triggered.

For you to recognize what was triggered by those police cars is pretty good. How did you handle the trigger? How did it go?

I didnt realise it was a trigger - I got very anxious and wanted to run - I felt like crying (i dont) and I was afraid for no reason

I didnt run away - I stood looking at the police cars tryng to figure out why I was upset - couldnt pin it down till now - then I came up and watched them from my balcony - just the cars - no-one was around - then I put a dvd on to distract myself - that finished and I felt lost so I came here .. then realised it was about being chased by the guy and the guys that tried to break in once while i was sleeping - so I identified the triggers - so yes I got through the trigger and survived - its just left me incredibly sad - I suppose it just adds on to other stuff.. so yes sad is appropriate at this time - thankyou Sannah

So each paragragh here addresses 3 different things going on -
1) hypervigilance and anticipatory anxiety
2) working on the stuff that is being triggered
3) surviving the triggers in the present

[Sannah]

You don't believe it................... Still more work to do that's all!

Hey! You got through the trigger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very, very, very good work! Can you see how realizing this will help you to decrease your hypervigilance?

I just see you as spiraling down into this pit of fear and it is based on fear and not on how safe you really are. Yes, things can happen to all of us but how common are they really and you can still come out alive and well. It is all in convincing our minds of all of the unhelpful automatic responses and thoughts that it holds. It can be worked through.

You have strength and power Phoenix. Reach in there and pull it out!

When I said working on the stuff that is triggered I mean resolving the stuff from the past in your mind.

[phoenix7]

Thanks Sannah,

Im off bed - just realised its past midnight - take care - thanks for being there Sannah

and thanks Muffy too - ever the kind hearted one

[Bruce.]

Hi Phoenix
Thanks for the invite, your my first friend
Sorry for for not posting sooner but there was an extenuating circumstance.
I started to write to your thread All Triggery again, and up popped an email from my sister, (the one who gave that link to the PTSD page). I went to her house last summer after several years of estrangement proclaiming “I want my sister back”. She's the only one left alive that really knew me before the robbery changed me. I had hoped that she could help me validate some of my recollections of the way I was (It's been so long). Instead, she went into kind of a stewed rage condemning our old neighbourhood and our family for a variety of reasons. By the time I left her house I was relieved just to know that my feelings were still intact. I thought: Boy she hates everybody. That's not the sister I remember. Anyway I did manage to get her to exchange several emails over the following months. With one in particular I thought: She hates me, I don't know why, I guess that's it, I guess she wasn't the person that I thought she was after all. After a while she sent another email explaining that she had too many things building up for too long and she needed to vent.
In this last email she told me that somewhere between grade one and two she was molested by a neighbour. She didn't go into details about what happened, but she did go into details about what it did to her emotionally (That's the most important part). That was over a half a century ago and I'm only just finding out about it now. I think she has P.M.G.D. post molested guilt disorder, don't Google that I just made it up. So... I thought I should respond to her quickly to show my understanding and support, that took quite a bit of thought. So that's my excuse, oh and also, I was in car accident which screwed up shoulder (Typing slowly) and my wife just got laid of from her job, and it's that time of the month for her so she needed some consoling.

I've missed five funerals because I was too scared to go. I convinced myself that I was so insignificant that they wouldn't really notice anyway. I shouldn't feel guilty because it wasn't my fault, but I still do. And then there was that one funeral that I didn't even know about, because I couldn't stay friends with a true friend. Sometimes life just sucks.

I used to think that little boy was dead. I blanked out my childhood. Every time I tried to remember I'd get that cold empty aching pain in stomach like hearing a friend had died. So I stopped remembering, it hurt too much.
As it turned out he wasn't dead at all, just misplaced, disconnected, like a broken wire, or a little broken line of computer code, access denied.

Looking back, there was only one major difference between that little boy and his feeble replacement. That little boy was so confident. He'd just plunk himself down beside a grumpy old man and ask: Why are you so grumpy? You should smile more. Like this. And then he'd give him a smiley example. Most often the mood would break and he'd get a smile in return and a pat on the head. His confidence always overcame his fear. When it came to bullies, he hated seeing his friends get picked on and he'd stand up to anybody, it didn't matter how big or how old.
The replacement could still run just as fast and jump just as high (When nobody was paying attention). But he had to avoid the people that expected that confident smile because he couldn't do it, his smile was kind of scared and shaky. He had to depend on other people to fight his battles because he was easily intimidated.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just press a reset button and reboot our broken emotions.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were as thoughtful and caring as you.

Be patient Phoenix
it takes time

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Bruce.

Sorry for for not posting sooner but there was an extenuating circumstance.

no probs - never worry about that

Geez you have been through a lot _ I hope you are still emailing your sis and that she is getting some help - seeing aT about what happened to her.

I've missed five funerals because I was too scared to go. I convinced myself that I was so insignificant that they wouldn't really notice anyway. I shouldn't feel guilty because it wasn't my fault, but I still do. And then there was that one funeral that I didn't even know about, because I couldn't stay friends with a true friend. Sometimes life just sucks.

I went through this with my T yesterday - she said it was not selfish to ake care of ourselves first - she reminded me or somthing I tell my mpatients families - that if they dont make sure they are ok they will not be able to give to their families or others - you did what was right for you and there is no shame or blame in that - and your friend - its never too late to try to get in touch - why not give it a go.

I used to think that little boy was dead. I blanked out my childhood. Every time I tried to remember I'd get that cold empty aching pain in stomach like hearing a friend had died. So I stopped remembering, it hurt too much.
As it turned out he wasn't dead at all, just misplaced, disconnected, like a broken wire, or a little broken line of computer code, access denied.

Geez I could have written this.......the only thing i remember of my childhood is deciding that if i couldnt remember anything good I wouldnt remember anything ... and I dont... small snippets came back - but they are like tiny silver fish in the deep deep ocean - as I reach for them they disappear into the darkness....

she was a happy smiling girl - laughing singing - the replacemtn was quiet and invisible .......

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just press a reset button and reboot our broken emotions.

yes or as I switch off my computer it says shutting down and it does - that would be good too - just to be able to switch off....

Be patient Phoenix
it takes time

oooh those are words i have trouble with ... patience (used to have loads BEFORE) and time grrrrrrrr!!!!!

thanks Bruce - sorry things are tough for you - hope your wife gets a new job soon and that your sis and you of course are ok