OMG.

T and I talked a little about whether he should read it. I told him my feelings about it. And we decided to just do it.

He sat by me on the couch and reached out for my hand partway through reading it. He had told me I was in charge and he would stop whenever I said to. I had to have him stop a bunch of times because I thought I was going to throw up but then I would get it back together and tell him to go ahead. He kept checking with me to make sure that I was still "there" - that I knew I was me and he was him and he was reading and we were in his office.

I wanted to be present, grown up me, the whole time and it was hard. It was like lifting 45872930572934058734059 pounds.

I'm not sure if I heard the whole thing. I really really tried, but I was kind of outside of myself. There, but not there too.

I remember that T said right when he finished reading it "It's over". He said "you told and it's okay, you're not alone with it anymore". He said "I'm not going to leave, and my feelings about you haven't changed"

We didn't talk much for the rest of the session. Just kind of sat.

There was this one moment where all of a sudden everything felt so...open. My mind relaxed, and everything looked beautiful for a second. Usually when I diss out with T, everything looks scary. But instead of scary eyes, I saw flowers in the pattern on his carpet. Instead of being triggered by the light coming in the blinds, I saw dapples of pretty light. It seemed like there was more air and more light in the room.

But it was just a moment. A good moment. Then my throat got the choking feeling. T wanted me to stand up, but I couldn't, so we sat up straight on the edge of the couch and kind of leaned on each other. He told me to try to stand up. I did, but I had to sit right back down. My legs were jelly.

When I left, T looked at me for a long time before he let me walk out the door and he told me to sit in my car until I would be okay to drive. He told me to leave him a message.

So I sat in the parking lot and left him a message. Said all of the things I couldn't say in session - all of the bad feelings I'm having, how scared I am. Feel teen pushing at me, hard.

I think I thought we would do this thing - he would read it - and it would be OVER - but now I get that it's just the beginning of it being over. I need to read it myself. I need to get it out of the third person and make it about me, not "some little girl". I need to do a lot of stuff.

I guess T will leave me a message later. I feel horrible. I feel ashamed and pathetic and just generally like a bad, stupid person.

Oh - but I wanted to say that as I walked into T's waiting room, I actually thought about PC and the people here and I FELT this sense of being supported. That felt good.

That's it for now, I guess. Thanks for letting me get it out.

Tree, please recognize how HUGE it is what you did! What courage and guts you showed!!! I truly can't imagine. Wow. And you survived it - not only survived it, but you didn't throw up, you didn't dissociate, you stayed there in that room - that's amazing!

I think I thought we would do this thing - he would read it - and it would be OVER - but now I get that it's just the beginning of it being over. I need to read it myself. I need to get it out of the third person and make it about me, not "some little girl". I need to do a lot of stuff.

You have time to do all of these things. For now, sit with what you just accomplished, and love yourself for being so strong and getting through it.

I feel horrible. I feel ashamed and pathetic and just generally like a bad, stupid person.

I hope these feelings leave you, because I think you're pretty freaking amazing!!!

[rainbow8]

Tree, you were great!! You did it! You were there with him, and you were able to describe the experience here, so you weren't spaced out! I'm almost crying; I am SO happy for you!

There was this one moment where all of a sudden everything felt so...open. My mind relaxed, and everything looked beautiful for a second. Usually when I diss out with T, everything looks scary. But instead of scary eyes, I saw flowers in the pattern on his carpet. Instead of being triggered by the light coming in the blinds, I saw dapples of pretty light. It seemed like there was more air and more light in the room.

This is simply beautiful!! Even though it was one moment, look at the potential. I think you will know have many moments like this.

I need to read it myself. I need to get it out of the third person and make it about me, not "some little girl". I need to do a lot of stuff.

I can relate to writing something you think is shameful and bad, in the 3rd person. Something happened to me when I was about 6, and I didn't acknowledge it until I was in my 20s and in therapy for the first time. I wrote a story about it, also in the 3rd person. When I read it, I too thought of it as being about that "little girl", not about me. I even gave her a fictional name. It took a long time until I could accept that it was about ME, not "some little girl", just as you wrote. But it did happen to me. just take one step at a time. No rush with this.

You definitely are NOT pathetic, horrible or bad. I'm sure lots of people on PC will tell you the same thing. You're very brave and wonderful, Tree!

I actually sat with H and cried for a while...even though he has NO idea what is going on. I am just so sad.

T hasn't called to leave my message yet, which has me a little freaked out. He usually calls on his way home from work...and if he can't call, he'll call to leave a message that he'll call later. Anyhow, he hasn't called at all. Maybe he's not going to

dreamseeker and rainbow...thank you for your nice words.

T STILL hasn't called.

He ALWAYS calls way earlier than this.

I feel so horrible I can't even find words for it. I feel sick.

Part of me is worried that something has happened to him.

Part of me is sure that he lied - that his feelings about me HAVE changed, that he thinks I'm pathetic and dirty, that he doesn't even BELIEVE me, that he wishes he had never taken me on as a client in the first place. He probably feels sick that he hugged me at the end of session today. He probably isn't calling because there isn't anything he can say that's both honest AND nice, and he's not going to call and lie.

I know the rational thought is supposed to be "well, he's busy, he'll call later". But why today? He ALWAYS calls. Always, always, always. If he's busy he calls and says he's busy. ALWAYS. And then he calls back later.

What's going on????

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

"It's over". He said "you told and it's okay, you're not alone with it anymore". He said "I'm not going to leave, and my feelings about you haven't changed"[......] Oh - but I wanted to say that as I walked into T's waiting room, I actually thought about PC and the people here and I FELT this sense of being supported. That felt good.

(((((((((((((( dear little treehouse ))))))))))))))))

you did great.

Get some rest now. Gentle hugs for you

[fallenangel337]

(((((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))))

This is a HUGE step in the right direction, and I am SO proud of you! I'm really glad that your T is supportive, and although it may not seem like it, I'm certain that this does not change the way your T thinks of you.

Again, I am so proud of you for this huge step you've taken.

I always thought something really, really, really, really bad would happen if I told anything about my childhood and now maybe it has.

[Amazonmom]

I'm guessing that your T wants to find the right things to say to you. He cares about you. He probably is waiting to call until he can stop and think about what you told him.

You are NOT dirty or pathetic, there is no way your T thinks that. I would bet you cash that he believes you. I believe you. I think you are a good person, and valuable.

It was very brave to tell your T all of that stuff.

[Indie'sOK]

Good job Tree!

(((((((Treehouse))))))))))) --
How courageous of you!!!!!!!!!!! You are very supported and loved here and with your T. I suspect that the minutes seem like hours and I don't know why he hasn't called, but I do know that it's not because he thinks you are bad! I realize that there is nothing I can do to allay your fears, so I'm just sitting with you while you go through this. PM me if you need me! Love you.

T called. I guess things are ok.

(((((((((((Treehouse))))))))) -
I will be on again around 11:00. If I don't see you then, I"ll be looking for you until I do to make sure you are okay. Love you lots !!!!!!!!!!!!((((((((Hugs))))))))).

[Bill3]

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily.

--Soren Kierkegaard

Treehouse, in thinking of your magnificent courage, I feel the awe of being in a great cathedral, the silence of being among the redwoods.

[_embrace]

I don't post much, but I read a lot of the posts, and so am familiar with your story. I have to say how much I admire you...you are amazing, and I hope that I can be as brave as you are in my own therapy. I know it might not feel like it right now, but you really are an inspiring person, and you deserve ALL of the happiness that is possible for a person.

[Tumnus]

Treehouse, you don't really know me, but I wanted to say that I'm pretty wowed by your post, your courage, and the journey you are on. It may be a long journey, just the beginning of stuff, like you said, but good nonetheless.

Much hope to you...

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T called. I guess things are ok.

"ok"? I'm glad he called, I'm guessing it wasn't what you exactly wanted/needed from him though? ((((((((((((treehouse)))))))))))))

Heya,

First:

Second: You did a wonderful thing for yourself. And for lots of people here (me included)! You showed courage to do this with T, and that's really hard to do. Don't belittle your experiences, because I tried talking about it in T today (just generally) and I've been a dissociative mess all day as a result. It's not easy talking about this sort of stuff.

Yeah, I'd imagine it was awful and you feel awful and horrible and icky and gross and you imagine everyone else around you can see how icky and bad and gross you "really" are.

But guess what!

You're not bad. What happened to you WAS bad, but it wasn't your fault.
You're not gross. What happened to you was gross.
You're allowed to feel icky, because that's what anyone else would feel if they were in your shoes.

(Sidenote: It's so much easier saying this to someone else than to say it to myself. I guess that's the way things work - it's hard to take our own advice and we KNOW what's true for someone else if they were stuck in our shoes. But we don't know whats true for US, or we don't allow the truth)

Take some time. Breathe. Let your inner kid(s) out a bit. After all, we've all been wounded as children and not allowed to FEEL that part of us. Yes, it's scary - but it's allowed now because we're allowed to do what's good for us. (Boundaries are hard, hard work!)

Try to stick with the feelings and not shove them under the rug. Sit with them. Cry. Scream. Break something (don't hurt you). Call T again if needed. Write a letter. Write a rant here. Do what you need to do to get through this.

But you did good. Really good. And we're proud of you. And we think you're a pretty awesome woman.

Treehouse,

You must be going through a zillion things right now. Be kind to yourself first of all, because what you did is HUGE and AMAZING work. Your T is probably feeling very honored to be working with you. It takes so much guts to be able to push forward especially through such gut wrenching stuff.

Remember that short period of time where you saw flowers around the office. I think that is when your insides of you were taking a big sigh of relief. I am surprised you didn't see shooting stars from what you did.

Just be kind to yourself, you deserve to just allow yourself to go through whatever you will go through the next couple of days. It is all part of the healing process.
Just getting that poison out of you will take your body some time to get used to the freer and lighter you. Allow for some adjustments to take place, you are rewiring your brain, you are processing something that has been frozen in time for so long. You are safe now, not like before. You can do this! It is hard I know, but you are flying and I am in awe of you.

Tree, I checked this thread throughout the day and let out a sigh of relief when you posted that the session was over and you had made it through. You did an awesome job!

Please know I have been paying attention to everything you're dealing with, I just seem to have forgotten how to offer any intelligent support at the moment.

But please know that I do care. A lot.

[wanttoheal]

You are amazing tree. So brave. You give hope that it is possible to get to this point. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us.

[del12]

Treehouse

You are so courageous and I admire you for the huge step you took. Take extra care of yourself. We are all here for you.
Lots and lots ofand

[sunrise]

((((((((((treehouse))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))

girl, you did it!! the big, scary thing that you thought would be your undoing and you're still here, no one hates you, and no one has died! i know it's really, really hard right now and may be for awhile, but you just accomplished a humongous thing. you are amazingly strong treehouse. you will get thru all the yuck that you are feeling and it will be ok. it will be okay tree. take gentle care of yourself and let yourself feel very proud of what you have been able to do.

Wow

I can't tell you how it felt this morning to wake up and find so many supportive posts. Overwhelming, in a good way.

I think last night was so hard because it's the first time - FIRST time - I've just sat with the feelings without dissociating or using a bad coping skill. I honestly didn't even know it was possible to feel so unbelievably horrible. Because I've never let myself feel it before.

T's message did help. He sounded very tired (it was 10pm) but he was supportive and kept saying he was proud of me. Part of me is still really skeptical...like how can he even stand to think about me, let alone leave me a message or sit in a session with me after what I told him...but I am trying to believe that it's true...that he still does support me and care about me. It's hard, REALLY REALLY REALLY hard.

I never ever ever thought I would get to this point. Not "done" with it, but at least at the beginning of being done with it. There is so much grief, I'm not even sure what the grief is about. Just a lot of big, deep feelings.

I see T again tomrorow, and then again on Friday, and then I go on vacation for a week. To the beach. I hope I can get to the point where I can let my brain and my soul take a break and just let the waves and the sun wash away some of what I'm feeling. I really, REALLY hope I can get to that point. I know it won't be over, but a break would be nice.

Speaking of being over...that's the part of session that keeps replaying in my mind. When T finished reading it and said "It's over". It's over. Can that be true?

[Hunny]

Treehouse,

I am just overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, how this process works and how wonderfully freeing it can be, how this part of the journey on this matter is revealed and how you can now be supported even more internally.

Thank you for sharing with us your hard and tender moments.

Hunny

Originally Posted by treehouse

Wow

I can't tell you how it felt this morning to wake up and find so many supportive posts. Overwhelming, in a good way.

I think last night was so hard because it's the first time - FIRST time - I've just sat with the feelings without dissociating or using a bad coping skill. I honestly didn't even know it was possible to feel so unbelievably horrible. Because I've never let myself feel it before.

T's message did help. He sounded very tired (it was 10pm) but he was supportive and kept saying he was proud of me. Part of me is still really skeptical...like how can he even stand to think about me, let alone leave me a message or sit in a session with me after what I told him...but I am trying to believe that it's true...that he still does support me and care about me. It's hard, REALLY REALLY REALLY hard.

I never ever ever thought I would get to this point. Not "done" with it, but at least at the beginning of being done with it. There is so much grief, I'm not even sure what the grief is about. Just a lot of big, deep feelings.

I see T again tomrorow, and then again on Friday, and then I go on vacation for a week. To the beach. I hope I can get to the point where I can let my brain and my soul take a break and just let the waves and the sun wash away some of what I'm feeling. I really, REALLY hope I can get to that point. I know it won't be over, but a break would be nice.

Speaking of being over...that's the part of session that keeps replaying in my mind. When T finished reading it and said "It's over". It's over. Can that be true?