when you are on the brink of ending it and the T search is not good

2nd session with T was worse then the first. i don't even remember most of what happened, but T made no attempt at relationship, just commanded me to do things. then when i didn't want to do them or was getting really anxious, said something like "call me when you want to work."
and blamed me for pulling "this stuff" and probably thats why i failed at T before.

what about making me feel comfortable? i cant talk when i am getting more and more stressed and anxious. i spaced out and i almost threw up
T wasnt even gentle.
she doesnt even know me to make me that upset.

this is the 2nd T i tried in one month and i am getting where i need to find someone because i am on the brink.

should i make multiple appointments a week? -- i live in a big city and dont know anyone, and there are so many T's, how do i find one?
the first one was too old and said didnt have the time and then this one just hated me or something.

i left early and was so confused because it was not like some people here say about building a relationship and trust.

How disappointing. It sounds like you are seeing a T who may not feel that the relationship is an important part of therapy. Being commanded sounds like behavioral therapy. You may want to try another T who is a psychodynamic therapist.

You can research types of therapies and therapists. One site that helped me is www.guidetopsychology.com.

Be kind to you. It's good to know what you want and reject what isn't what you want.

Time to try someone else. This t sounds awful. Keep looking. Someone is out there for you.

This is a tough process; continue to listen to your gut instincts.
I also live in a place with a therapist or more on practically every street.
Currently I'm with t for a while but prior to this one I had met with at least six others. It was so tough; I only stuck it out because I was so determined to find a good t; I knew once I would hit upon the right one it would have all been worth it.
Have you asked friends or others for referrals?
If we live in the same city I can refer you to mine

She has said something commanding today and then asked me how I felt about it. I don't hesitate to tell my t's that being authoritative with me will send me running for the hills and that this brand of therapy does not work for me.

My motto is 'if you look forward to going to sessions and you leave sessions feeling better, you're in a good place' If you leave sessions feeling badly, that is your gut instinct telling you something ain't right here.

I hope you have the courage to try another one; or communicat to this one what about her approach is making it difficult for you to trust her; and would she feel comfortable using an approach that works for you?
Want to do that by phone? Or just schedule a consult with another therapist. I expect a client to come out of a consult with a renewed sense of hope and a sense of some connection to the t, and a sense of being understood.

Solarwind, I'm sorry that was such an awful experience. I wonder how a T like that can even stay in business. Please don't go back to this T again. The problem is with the T, not you. I did not like the sound of this T "commanding" you.

How does this new T even know that you "failed" at therapy before? That seems very negative and judgmental. I think that you probably didn't fail at therapy before, but you just didn't have a T with enough skill. I would worry about where this new T got this "you failed" idea. Did your former T send her your file?

Solarwind, I hope you will keep looking for a therapist. There are good ones out there. I wonder if there are two or three brief screening questions you could ask them over the phone first, to eliminate the awful ones like this most recent T.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am so confused at this.

She did not have my file. I just moved here and have not had much therapy as an "adult". I told this T that I was having a hard time finding someone to trust and work with. My life is very complicated in a bad way and some T's can't work with it (ie. how I was raised).

Don't people look for the right T? It's not like I have tried 100 T's.

If a client is shutting down, how does commanding things and insulting me help? T was like when I say "X" and you don't do "X" that is not helping. T kept saying "therapy is hard work and you don't want to do it."
I just got there and I was scared. Yes, I am petrified of being in a small room with T... how is telling me that I am "pulling stuff" and not wanting to work helping? To even come to therapy for me is a big step. Maybe I am a failure, but I am trying.

I don't have problems with a little "direction" but I would think a relationship has to be developed before you tell a client to alter their behaviors or responses or anything.

And then after T was saying all this, I don't remember anymore. I was home.

I just feel like giving up...

Amazon has this book called 'Therapy Revolution' by Zwolinski; it has helpful tips on screening questions to ask before a first apptointment; and how to tell if therapist is the right one for you. It has helped me a lot.

Don't give up, Solar! I used the psychologytoday site which has a photo and detailed information about each T. There was one T who isn't a provider on my insurance so I didn't see her, but she says that many clients have told her that she is the first T they could trust. Look for statements like that from a T. I agree that the T you saw was terrible!! If I were you, I'd write down what you want the T to be like and say that over the phone before you make an appointment.

I know what you're going through because I'm doing it too! I saw 2 prospective Ts so far, and am going to try a third.

Good luck! I know you will find someone, and so will I.

Oh, wow, solarwind, I'm so sorry you ran into such a terrible T. Please know that the problem is not with YOU, it is with that T. Ugh!

When I was looking for a T, I used the psychology today site, like rainbow. It was really helpful to read how the T's described themselves in their own words. I got really lucky, and was able to find a good T on my first try...but the chances of this being the guy I would have picked without reading his description online seem pretty slim...there are a LOT of Ts around.

I wonder if using something like that to screen T's would help?

Another nice thing about the psychology today site is that you can find the T's orientation. My T is psychodynamic and humanistic, and he has been unbelievably patient about my need to build trust (I have a history of trauma). My T is also a trauma specialist, which is important with my history.

Don't give up, solar. The right T is out there for you.

Solarwind? Are you on insurance or are you paying on your own? If you are looking from an insurance list, that should narrow things down. That was my case and I just looked for someone in my town, a male, and I wanted a psychologist. That pretty much narrowed it down to a couple of t's. Then (I think I've said this before to someone here) I really just played eenie-meenie-minee-moe. I was lucky. But he had his own secretary, a plus in my book as it makes getting in touch with him and making appointments easier. He was in a practice with a very well respected psychiatrist. I thought that spoke for something. Just keep doing your homework. You can be picky about this. You SHOULD be picky about this. Keep letting us know what's going on.

Like farmergirl said, be picky about this. You sure this t has ANY training in trauma???? She sure doesn't sound like she does.

When I was t-searching I mentioned to one of them (during one of the initial visits) about this being a relationship and he was like, 'this is not a relationship'. I shoulda left but stuck it out a few months. Wasted time and wasted efforts and wasted hopes. A t who doesn't think the relationship is a crucial part of the treatment is not a t I would ever work with again.

Your T is making a lot of assumptions. And she has poor communication skills. She may think you are not trying, but she should share that with you and let you correct her assumption if it's wrong. She just seems inept and completely negative. My T is from the humanistic psychology tradition, which was allied with the human potential movement. It is a positive tradition, not filled with the negative, like this T. It is an empowering tradition, not a "tear you down" experience. I wonder if you might like a humanistic T?

I hope you can get peace from this experience. It was not your fault; this T was exceptionally negative and unhelpful. Please don't let this discourage you from looking further. Maybe you can screen out the negative Ts over the phone. I'm not sure how--"are you negative?" probably isn't quite the right question to ask.

Hang in there.