Share the most ridiculous unhelpful comments your therapist sad to you?

Huh? Am I missing something here?

LOL patchy, I know.

Yes, I probably didn't explain myself properly. I admitted I had sexual feelings for her and we really didn't talk about it, she kind of ignored it, but we sort of did skirt around the issue and then for the next few sessions talked about other stuff, and then out of the blue I was listening to her relay an anecdote and she looked at me and said I was very seductive.

If you think you missed out on something here think about how I felt.

When I asked her about the meaning of what she said she would not explain herself. I asked someone else and discovered that in therapy it means anything for being entertaining to being sexually provocative. Seeing as I was just listening to her I wonder exactly what it did mean from her point of view. I asked her again and again her meaning of it and in the end she just admitted she had make a "therapeutic error." Whatever that means.

I'd like someone, if possible, to give me their point of view on this.

Mr. Burn, are you looking at getting a new T? That's really awful.

I LOVE this topic and am going to relish reading everyone's responses here in a bit. Right now I'm just going to dash off some problems that are top of mind for me about my current therapist:

He seems to be incapable of identifying with me. When I bring him something like: person A said B to me, which was hurtful and I feel attacked, he tries to imagine the interaction from their point of view. Sometimes he'll urge me to feel sorry for or admire the person who was attacking me, or he'll accuse me of being judgmental about them. He constantly demonstrates a blatant lack of sympathy, kindness, ability to comfort me, etc. I don't know if it's massive social dumbosity, or a passive aggressive form of hostility toward me. If I could figure that out, I'd be closer to knowing what to do about it.

He gets irritable in session, and then puts the responsibility for it on me. He's open to discussing the fact that he gets impatient or hostile, but tells me that it's on me to point out that his behavior is bothering me. I keep telling him that if he's having a bad day and isn't up to doing a session, I would rather have him just cancel and reschedule with me. He never does that. It's like he thinks I'm making the suggestion out of concern for him, and tries to tell me that he's just fine, not to worry! But I'm actually just trying to avoid being treated like caca when he's in a bad mood.

When I've occasionally tried to probe into the sources of his ill-humor, he comes up with some bizarre defenses. Last time he told me that the mind is huge, he doesn't know what's going on in his own mind half the time, and that the conscious mind is very far away from the ancient mammal brain. So it's possible, he admits, that he has some issues with me (some kind of countertransference deal, I assume, although he doesn't like the term) and that it could be affecting what goes on between us. But that's as far as he'll go with it.

Our sessions have become all about our relationship.

I can't ever bring in anything where I describe myself as a victim -- he doesn't buy it. So I edit myself now -- just bring in dream work or stick with parental stuff, which we have gone over and over.

He rarely tries to build my confidence. I realize that psychotherapy isn't life coaching, but it would be nice to hear something positive about myself from someone I respect. He refuses to build me up, but will occasionally give me a back-handed compliment. As in, "You have good qualities. One of them is extreme sensitivity. Of course, that also creates some problematic areas for you."

He invokes his own helplessness as a defense when we're trying to hammer out why our therapeutic relationship seems to be on the skids. Last time he told me, "I'm just over here guessing. I'm just making guesses about you." That really frickin' floored me, because: one, he ought to be a good guesser. A psychotherapist is presumably pretty good at prising out people's emotions and issues. If he's guessing at me, he should be making some pretty darn good guesses. He ought to be GREAT at guessing! And two, HE DOESN'T NEED TO GUESS WITH ME! I'm super articulate, I'm aware of my feelings, I'm open to discussing my errors, I want his input, there's nothing I won't talk about. I'm just baffled by his $hit sometimes.

I could go on -- thanks for letting me vent! D: Great thread!

I think this is a common therapeutic technique and can actually be helpful with some clients. The therapist takes his best guess about what is going on with the client, and then the client tells him whether he is on the mark or not, and if not, corrects the "guess" to what is right. This is a way therapists can get the dialog going with clients who are not forthcoming, who don't say what the matter is. So the T guesses and the client corrects, and T ends up with a better idea of what is going on with the client. My daughter's T does this with her a lot. She is young and not a skilled conversationalist yet, and just can sometimes not express herself. So this helps her T find out what is going on with her. Her T has told me that sometimes they do entire sessions using this technique.

I am actually enjoying this thread, although I know many have written of painful circumstances. Sometimes my jaw just drops (like about the T who discussed his d**g hanging out ).

A few unhelpful and/or ridiculous comments from Ts in my life:

My first T
I was horribly depressed, had never been to a T before, and knew nothing. After a few sessions I asked her about anti-depressants, about which I knew little. I told her I had a friend who took them and they had really helped her. This T got really pissy and said, "oh, that's what you want, is it? Is that why you are here? Well, I can't help you with that. If you want ADs, go to your doctor. And if you do start taking ADs, I won't work with you anymore." I felt so cowed by that. I knew nothing about anti-depressants at all and she made me feel like a bad person for asking a simple question. So we dropped that topic, but even today, her pissy reaction and the bad way she made me feel haunt my recollections of her.

My daughter's T
She does individual therapy with my daughter, and keeps that completely confidential. However, she said she likes to meet with parents once a year to see if they have any concerns, etc. I did this the first year, and it went fine. The second year, during this meeting, which I also thought was going fine, she told me that the reason I meet with her like this is because I want her to believe I'm a good mother. Huh??? I am meeting with her at her suggestion, to help my daughter. It was the therapist who wanted this. It is the 3rd year now, and I don't intend to meet with her again if she just sees me as trying to impress her or something.

My current T
This falls under the ridiculous category. During couples therapy once, my T felt he had to explain the difference to me between Playboy and Hustler magazine. He spoke very earnestly and in detail about the types of pictures found in each, what body parts are shown, the poses, etc. This just struck me as totally absurd!!! I could not believe we were having this conversation. Yes, it was very relevant to what was being talked about in the couples session, but I just didn't feel I needed to know all that in such detail. It was weird!

Just now back to seeing this - sorry for the delay. What a week! OMG!

I do have a suggestion though - NEVER EVER give up!!!
There really are great Ts in the world. And from what I am reading on this forum, there are some stinkers as well. It is a sad thing to see. And I think it is criminal that someone would place themselves as a mental healer when they do more damage than good. It is criminal.

You are YOU. And the right T will see that and will be able to use good T skills to assist you in finding ways to be a more healthy and stable YOU. A good T does not try to make you into someone you are not.
A good T does not try to make you into them.
A good T will honor who you are and will be able to point out those good things that you are not able to see. Those are your strengths.
A good T will be able to help you find your own areas to improve without making you feel like a failure.
A good T knows that the person who keeps trying is the real winner.

My t tells me he's guessing fairly regularly. He's trying to get me to come up with either a new idea or focus in on one of the ones he's offering up. That's just a pretty normal technique. That's not a sign of incompetence or anything. He's getting to the meat of things.

I have a female T, but if I had a male T and he said something like this, I think I'd be stunned into silence and then NEVER go back.
UH. Yeah unless you are majorly distorting what she said...RUN RUN RUN. DUDE!

I have lived in my town for 5.5 years...I have one friend. My T has NEVER ridiculed me or made me feel bad for that. And I can NOT believe she said it wasn't her problem....uhmmm....YES IT IS!

and I even more can't believe that she laughed at you while you teared up. oh my god!

I think these are all awful, awful things.

Sounds like your former T lapsed into judging you, at least that one time. I can see asking you if whatever you said felt or sounded judgmental to you, or even sharing that it did to her, but the "There you go again... you're always..." frame she put it in, fairly shouts that she has an investment in laying her own unacknowledged experience on you. I can picture her even getting a bit huffy if you didn't buy into it right away.

...........

Kallenite- That sounds VERY much like the T I saw and just recently ran from. She saw things from a very personal perspective (as opposed to a theraputic one) which led to me feeling ridiculed, judged and embarrassed often. The tear comment to me sounds sarcastic and the kind of remark a T might make if she was completely burnt out and no longer cared how she hurt a client. Almost hostile. That was what I thought about my previous therapist, though my current T believes she she had some serious issues of her own that she had not dealt with.

Psychoanalyticgirl- I am not sure what to say about this remark. I suppose it would depend on your relationship with her, if there was some kind of issue around being/acting seductive, or if that is the way she perceives you to behave and she is pointing it out to you. But even not knowing enough information about her or you I woud think that is a weird thing to say. And she admitted she made some kind of an error in judgement. But, still, she doesnt seem to have explained herself to you and you are still not comfortable with what has been said. That seems weird.

You could bring this up to her again and ask her why she isnt responding to your question. Keep clarifying it to her and see how she handles it.

Wouldn't hostility and issues pretty much go together? Without issues, why would she bother to be hostile?

When I was with my first T, I tried to talk to him about eating disorder stuff, and he said it was a medical issue and I should see my PCP.
I wonder if things would have gotten as bad as they did if he had helped me sort things out, instead of blowing it off. Any freshman psych 101 student would know that eds are not just medical issues. Idiot.

When I lost my job last year, I continued therapy - both group and individual - until the group commitment expired. The group was dissolving anyway - 2 of the 4 members had given notice. (I was not one of them.) Then, I told the therapist that I would be discontinuing individual therapy because I didn't have a job to pay for it. He accused me of ruining his practice and became very angry. This initially bothered me a lot. I was distraught for a while. But, I am not in therapy to help him. I was there to help me! He once told the group that he had rituals to help with the removal of bad spirits from his apartment, e.g., burning sage to purify it spiritually. How scientific. He is no longer practicing - all but one of his clients left on their own. Good riddance.

I have to say that I am quite disgusted by what some of your T's have said and done.

But I would like to say this. Therapy is challenging. If your therapist always agreed with you and was perfect in everyway I really think you wouldn't get very far. I think we learn more from a flawed therapist. For therapy to work we need some transference. I know when I was in therapy I had some pretty heated discussions where my emotions were sparked by memories of a past abuser. T kind of took on the role of abuser (purposely) so that I could deal with some issues. Yucky horrible transference but it was worth doing. I don't think I thanked my T for it at the time but realized at a later date what was going on. I was with my T for 6 years, he was very flawed but because of that I was able to grow. I'm not saying you need to stay with a rude, incompetent therapist, I'm saying there will be one out there for you although they might not be perfect.

The other thing is I have doctoral level certs in motivational interviewing, in some of the techniques we use are to purposely act the baffoon. Ever heard of Columbo? The disheavelled police detective who is always so flippant and acts like the idiot. We use a technique called, 'Columbo-ing' which happens to be an excellent way to motivate people. Asking really (clever) stupid questions in order to help the client, boost self-esteem, let the client see the way forward.

But you know, if the therapist starts talking about his dikk then yeah, really you need to get the h*** out of there!

Thanks, Sunrise and Farmergirl, for your input on the guessing thing with my T. I can sort of see the value of that position, if I were an unusually inexpressive client, or someone in massive denial, or a child who had trouble speaking -- a recent victim of trauma, etc. I just think it's a cop-out on his part after seven months. I'm not sitting there rocking with my thumb in my mouth. I give him all kinds of information.

If he's still baffled by me, then I suppose that's fair. But I'm wondering why he doesn't just ask me what's up in that case? I'm more than willing to keep talking. It's all we do in there. After this much time, he shouldn't still be guessing: he should get me by now, or he should be ASKING me for clarification. And voila! No more need to guess! Maybe he doesn't realize it (although I've mentioned it to him), but his statement that he's guessing at me makes me feel like:

1) he's professionally less than competent.
2) I'm some unusually intractable case.

It's insulting and infuriating. I wonder -- if I told him he was a real a$$hole, would he have to guess at that too? "Hm, she just called me an a$$shole. Could she be upset? Must probe further..."

OMG about your current T, Sunrise!! That's pretty awful. It would be way weird for him to go into detail around the difference between certain kinds of porn in session, even if you were a man. Look, I'm a woman and I know the difference between those two publications -- one's pretty shamelessly explicit, and the other tries to be tasteful (which doesn't quite work either, for my money). So what? What does he think you are, a three-year old he has to explain this to? And what does it reveal about him -- that he's a consumer of porn? How are you supposed to assimilate that? It's way too much information, and opens a window on him that's not necessary or helpful for you. It's just creepy and condescending!

I remember being very amused by Columbo's techniques.
Now, decades later, my T does the same with me at times... In the moment I am aware of it and it infuriates me, but yes I answer her questions. I find that days or weeks later, it does help me when I return to same subject, I am less likely to get off track in my thinking.

hm. Perhaps he is listening to you super-articulate everything and is "guessing", "here is a defense; this is for real; here is a denial..."

If we were really aware with no defenses, if we truly recognized our errors for what they are, wouldn't we be pretty much done with therapy?
Just wondering

Thanks Sitting, I agree -- I'm in therapy because something I'm doing obviously isn't working for me. I really am open to having my errors pointed out. That's a big part of why I sought out therapy this time.

What isn't helpful is when my T goes out of his way to avoid identifying with me. There are times when I'm really hurting, like after being attacked by someone, treated with hostility, unfairly criticized. At those times I would love if it my T said, "Kitten, I feel for you. That must have hurt." And then I'd be open to his discussing different ways of responding, finding more constructive or creative ways of dealing with these events-- I know I tend to fly off the the handle, jump to conclusions about others' motives, etc. And I'm willing to explore the reasons for that.

But my T's need to treat me with objectivity crosses over into coldness, and it's just not a style that's helpful for me. When I confront him about it, he plays dumb -- says he feels helpless around me, is constantly guessing at what I want. All I want is some basic human sympathy, BEFORE he gets all therapisty on me. I need someone who gets me in a very basic way. I don't think it's an unrealistic expectation of a person who specializes in feelings! I'm already damaged. I don't want to be treated like a specimen on a slide all the damn time.

I love the Columboing concept that Pegasus brought up. I would be totally relieved if that was what my T was doing -- and I would have new respect for him if he were deploying a therapeutic strategy, and not just floundering. If I felt that he actually knew what he was doing, it might save our relationship.

Just got to find a tactful way of asking!

yikes Kitten! I would react the same way!! and especially if I confronted T on it (which would take a lot of courage, for me) and still didn't get anywhere. I'm very sad for you... hope yr T will clue in soon. You can't be more than honest and brave, and you're already that.

Gosh, you're so sweet, Sitting! Thanks so much for the hugs, I needed that!

Sorry to hijack!

God, how awful for you! Glad that's over!

It's nice when other clients vote with their feet too. That always helps me, to have that kind of reality check. Because otherwise I tend to buy into the "you're oversensitive" thing that my curernt therapist is using on me...ugh...

I had a T who used to fall asleep when I was talking and then say oh no I was just closing my eyes and listening to you. I finally said OK then what was I just talking about and he really could not answer. He was such a jerk and he would just sit there when he was awake and stare at me and say nothing. It was very unnerving at times and because he was my first T I thought OK this is how it is . My T now even though we go through ups and downs is very attentive, but I find I still have issues that if I talk too much he will get bored and fall asleep. I told him all about it and he couldn't believe it.

This isn't what a T said to me, but what another ward psychiatrist said once. I take it as typical of what they all probably think:

"I don't know the details of how you got into this situation, but one thing I do know: it was your own fault."

Some of you may wonder what I did that was so bad, or what kind of person I am, that would draw this kind of condemnation. I don't know. Maybe there is something about me...