[zooropa]

I had my session this morning. It was so hard. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I called my T this afternoon and left her a message. I apologized for not being able to find my words so many times in session. I told her I know she must get frustrated at having to tell me the same things, over and over. Keep breathing. Open your eyes. Put your hands down. Stay here. Stay here.

I've been waiting all day and night for her to call me back. I need her to call me back. She didn't and now it's so late, I don't think she will. This freaks me out, makes me feel alone, makes me feel so sad and scared. I didn't want to be alone with this. She told me I wouldn't have to be. I trusted her. I have learned to trust her. But here I am, alone with it.

I feel like a failure in therapy already. Now I feel like a therapy failure who has been rejected by her T. It's not a great way to feel.

((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))

T is still here. Try to remember that even if it's so so hard. I know how hard it is.

[googley]

((((((Zoo)))))

I know that you have been doing so much hard work in T. Is it possible that something happened and she didn't get the message? I'm sure that she wants to call you if she knew. I know she was having phone problems for a while and that was causing a lot of stress.

You are not a failure. You are wonderful.

[sugahorse1]

sorry to hear you are in a bad place right now.
Maybe she's been really busy.
I also find myself apologising for not finding the words, but don't forget they are used to us reacting this way. It's our coping mechanism for when things get too much. They are there for us, to help us feel comfortable and to open up. They are used to repeating things over and over.

It doesn't make us a failure - we are having to find immense strength from inside ourselves to even address the issues we are dealing with and ask for help. More than a lot of people are prepared to do.

Hang in there

((((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))

This work is SOOOOOO hard Of course you have big feelings in reaction to it...that doesn't make you a failure at all. My guess is it means you're doing the work that you really need to do.

I HATE when I need T and he's not there. I've made up tons of stories when it's happened - he doesn't like me, I'm too needy, he's tired of me, etc etc. I've pictured him hearing my message and rolling his eyes and feeling irritated. I'm SURE it's me and my neediness driving him away.

But that has never, ever, EVER been the case. He hasn't got my message, or he's had an emergency in his own life, or he was out all night and got home too late to call, or some other really valid reason that had nothing to do with me. I think one hard thing about the boundaries is how it feels like T "disappears" and we don't know where they are or how to reach them. When I know even a TEENY bit about what is going on with T, it helps so much. Like right now, he is preparing for a big retreat for the staff of something he is involved with. I know it takes a lot of his time. Just knowing that makes me more likely to think "he's busy" than "he hates me".

Call again today, zoo. She's told you that she wants to help you, and there's no reason to think that's changed. I know that doing the really icky, hard stuff made me feel a million times more unlovable, but T told me it's just the opposite - that my willingness to do the hard work only increased his respect and his love for me. I bet the same is true for you and your T.

[granite1]

[zooropa]

thanks you guys. I didn't sleep very well or much last night and it was nice to come here and read your replies.

It's so hard to not think that she purposely didn't call me back. Part of me is so sure that it's because she's disgusted or fed up or overwhelmed by my story. Part of me wants to believe it was just another phone screw up on her part, but mostly I feel like "see, this is what happens when you tell. SEE."

I guess if she doesn't call me back this morning I will call her at some point today and say "why didn't you return my call?". Part of the message I left her was confirming our appointment for next week since we didn't that at the end of my session yesterday like we usually do. So of course I'm also thinking this means she doesn't want to see me next week. I just really need to talk to her and make sure we are ok.

It's been so hard for me to trust her. It's the first time I've ever talked about this stuff. It makes me feel out of control and at loose ends and just...I don't know. Every bad thing.

[WePow]

(((((Zoo )))) you are doing such hard work. Call again and just say what you said right now - "I just really need to talk to you and make sure we are ok."

[mobius]

You ARE doing great work, zoo. It's soo hard (at least for me) to hold onto alternate ideas about why my therapist might not be contacting me back. I'm 100% certain, though, that nothing you said caused your therapist not to call you back. I like WePow's suggestion for a return call...

[zooropa]

I'm angry. And willful. I don't want to call her back. I don't want to see her again. I'm so, so tired of her excuses about not returning phone calls. I am angry and under the anger is hurt, of course. I want to never call her, never go back, never speak to her again and see if she even notices.

^ that's just how I feel right now. I'm not saying I don't know better. I'm not saying I can't make better decisions despite how I feel. That is just how I feel in this moment. Who is she to get me to trust her, to coax my story out of me, and then fall down and drop it all over the place?

Zoo, have you called her again? What if she didn't get the first message for some reason?

[SpottedOwl]

(((zoo)))

I told her I know she must get frustrated at having to tell me the same things, over and over. Keep breathing. Open your eyes. Put your hands down. Stay here. Stay here.

I realized one day after a T session that I was *really* afraid of how T felt about me after sharing some ugly stories. But, when I went back to the session in my mind, T was the same caring T he had always been.

The disconnect between what I experienced with T and in my mind got me thinking and I realized that I was ashamed of myself. I was frustrated with myself. All of the negative feelings I was assigning to T were actually about how I was feeling.

It helped me a lot to have this realization...because it allowed me to briefly step outside of the feeling and see where it was coming from. No amount of T telling me he wasn't frustrated was going to help me...because T wasn't the one who was frustrated...I was.

IDK if this helps or not, but I offer it up as a possibility.
Hang in there, zoo. One breathe at a time. I'm really sorry T didn't call you back.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Zoo, have you called her again? What if she didn't get the first message for some reason?

no. Earlier this morning I thought I would call her and say "why didn't you call me back?" but now it feels like...begging. I'm so sick of her phone issues. It's always something. She forgot it, she lost it, she was out of range, she lost her charger, on and on and on. I don't believe it any more. I believe she did get my message, because come ON. It's voice mail. I know I left the message, it's not that hard to get the message. I have never not gotten a message someone has left me. Besides the fact that she can see who called her. So if she accidentally deleted the message w/o listening to it, she could call me back and tell me that.

So, no, I haven't called her. I want to call right now and say WTF? But I am angry and I don't think it would go well. I have to go to an appointment now that concerns funding for me to go back to school in the fall, so I'm not going to upset myself by having a fight w/my T right before I go there.

Just really, really angry.

I just want to add, before I head out the door, that I realized it's just easier to be angry. It feels activating and powerful. Being hurt just feels like being victimized all over again. Being angry, having this righteous indignation, it feels better than being a door mat. Which is why I won't call her and say "why didn't you call me?". Because that's not something a powerful person would do, that's something that someone begging for table scraps of attention would do, and I'm sick of being that person.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by zooropa

Being angry, having this righteous indignation, it feels better than being a door mat. Which is why I won't call her and say "why didn't you call me?". Because that's not something a powerful person would do, that's something that someone begging for table scraps of attention would do, and I'm sick of being that person.

You could call and say "why didn't you call me, you &*@%^ witch?!"

[zooropa]

that's pretty much what I did, actually, Pachy.

I went to my appt and I couldn't think about anything but being pissed off at T. So when I got done I called her and left her a message saying "I think it really fscking sucks that you didn't call me back yesterday and I'm pretty pissed off about it."

I don't even know if she's going to call, or if she does, she might be pissed. I don't know. But I think I do feel a little better, except it's been almost 24 hrs of waiting for my freaking phone to ring and that drives me INSANE.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I just want to add, before I head out the door, that I realized it's just easier to be angry. It feels activating and powerful. Being hurt just feels like being victimized all over again. Being angry, having this righteous indignation, it feels better than being a door mat. Which is why I won't call her and say "why didn't you call me?". Because that's not something a powerful person would do, that's something that someone begging for table scraps of attention would do, and I'm sick of being that person.

This is very insightful, Zoo.

I do both... I am the beggar, and then I get indignant and angry at myself for being one. Then anger makes me tired after a while and I am back to being a beggar.
It's a no-win. I try not to think about it, there is no way I will be anything but a beggar with the power imbalance that is built into the process, and when I do get angry, I (like you?) am SO TIRED of hearing, good for you being angry! that's what a powerful person would do! but I know I don't have power, it's only anger at myself - which is depression.

What a house of mirrors. Here, my dear, sit by me and we will grrrr together for a while. and if you don't mind ... this too

[jexa]

zoo, you totally deserve your anger about this. You don't have to call again if you don't want to.

I have a confession to make about myself zoo. I am TERRIBLE, I mean absolutely TERRIBLE about returning phone calls. I am probably worse than your T about it. It is because I am a big scatterbrain (some people that work for me have said I'm like a "nutty professor" haha) and just plain forget. Or sometimes I am really anxious about talking on the phone and have to work up the nerve to call someone. Even someone I feel comfortable with. I know it sucks.. I should be better about it It has absolutely nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with my anxiety and forgetfulness.

So, understandable that you are angry! But, you should know, it's not a rejection from T -- it's T messing up, making mistakes.

[WePow]

Zoo, you felt your anger and you gave it words. In my book, that counts for a whole lot!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

This is very insightful, Zoo.

I do both... I am the beggar, and then I get indignant and angry at myself for being one. Then anger makes me tired after a while and I am back to being a beggar.
It's a no-win. I try not to think about it, there is no way I will be anything but a beggar with the power imbalance that is built into the process, and when I do get angry, I (like you?) am SO TIRED of hearing, good for you being angry! that's what a powerful person would do! but I know I don't have power, it's only anger at myself - which is depression.

What a house of mirrors. Here, my dear, sit by me and we will grrrr together for a while. and if you don't mind ... this too

geez, YES, sawe, you hit it right on the head! It's like a teeter totter, up and down, never finding that perfect balance in the middle. Ugh.

Ok, so she called me. And she was kind of pissed.

I fell asleep sitting on the couch and was having a nightmare when she called. So I was disoriented and out of it, don't even remember answering the phone. But her voice, it was harsh.

She did apologize, several times, for not returning my call. She forgot. I mean, I appreciate that, at least it was real and not some excuse about losing her phone. I just let her talk for about the first 5 minutes, I didn't say anything. By then the anger was out of her voice and it felt safe for me to speak, lol.

I told her I was sorry for leaving the message that I did.(secretly? I'm not sorry. yes, I dropped the f-bomb, but that's how I talk. T knows that. She talks that way too, around me anyway. And I'm not sorry I let her know I was angry, I think it's GOOD that I was able to tell her that. It just seemed like the thing to do, to apologize.) I told her pretty much what I said above, that I figured out it's easier to be angry. I said, if I can be angry with you, I can say "you fscked up one too many times, I'm done. I'm done" and then I don't have to keep coming there and doing the work any more. I don't have to talk about what I know we're about to talk about, and it can be all your fault.

She kind of laughed and said, I get that. I really understand that.

I said I'm just so scared, and she said, I know.

She said, if that happens again, you could call me back. And I said, I know that sounds so simple, and it's true, I could have. But it becomes this big mess in my head. I start thinking there's a reason you didn't call me back, that you don't want to talk to me, that it has something to do with what I told you. It becomes this big mixed up black mess in my head.

At the end she said, by the way, if you tried to quit, I would hunt you down. You're not gonna quit in the middle of this on my watch. We're in this thing together until the end.

so, that's that. I feel about 11100 lbs lighter. phew.
Once again, my PC friends helped me through a rough patch with my T. (And once again it was about the phone.) What would I do without you guys? I don't know. Thank you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by zooropa

no. Earlier this morning I thought I would call her and say "why didn't you call me back?" but now it feels like...begging. I'm so sick of her phone issues. It's always something. She forgot it, she lost it, she was out of range, she lost her charger, on and on and on. I don't believe it any more. I believe she did get my message, because come ON. It's voice mail. I know I left the message, it's not that hard to get the message. I have never not gotten a message someone has left me. Besides the fact that she can see who called her. So if she accidentally deleted the message w/o listening to it, she could call me back and tell me that.

So, no, I haven't called her. I want to call right now and say WTF? But I am angry and I don't think it would go well. I have to go to an appointment now that concerns funding for me to go back to school in the fall, so I'm not going to upset myself by having a fight w/my T right before I go there.

Just really, really angry.

I just want to add, before I head out the door, that I realized it's just easier to be angry. It feels activating and powerful. Being hurt just feels like being victimized all over again. Being angry, having this righteous indignation, it feels better than being a door mat. Which is why I won't call her and say "why didn't you call me?". Because that's not something a powerful person would do, that's something that someone begging for table scraps of attention would do, and I'm sick of being that person.

wow zoo this sounds so empowering how you are seeing your anger right now.i never thought of looking at the anger i feel as better then feeling like a door mat.kind of cool although i cant say feeling that anger must be any easier for you and i am so sorry your T is acting the way she is.to be working as hard as you are on your issues cant be easy at all and you need her more then ever to be able to continue i hope you will be able to express your anger next time you see her or maybe send her an e mail

[WePow]

((((((((( Zoo )))))))))) This is WONDERFUL!!!! I am so proud of you for working through this inside and staying safe - even if it was not comfortable :-) Awesome Work !

[chaotic13]

zoo...I know this feeling. Once my T's lack of response sent me over the edged and I did in fact cancel my appointment and vow to myself that I would NOT return to therapy. Luckly after a few days and some chatting here on PC, I call and schedule one more session and then things got better from there.

I say...honor your feelings of being alone and of your T not being there when she said she would be. But also leave some room of other circumstances beyond her control that might have happened...like her not getting your voice mail, or getting it and accidently easing it, or....whatever. If you can I would go to your next scheduled appointment express your anger and see what happens from there. I know my session after I quit was SO challenging to get myself to actually go...but what happened during that session turned out to be REALLY important.

[zooropa]

this isn't the first time I've been through this with my T. Partly it's my intense fear of abandonment and partly it's her not being really great at returning calls. I can KNOW that if she doesn't call me back it's not because of me, but feeling it is something else. I do think that working through this with her, time and time again, is helping me work through those abandonment issues, though. So something good comes out of it, I hope.

I don't think we'll talk about this at my next session. If she wants to, I would do it, but she doesn't ever seem to want to take very much time talking about our relationship during sessions. I think she knows, like I do, that this is a way for me to divert therapy from the path we are on. Because the path we're on is scary and painful, and if I can sidetrack us, I will. But in the end, I have to walk that path. The only way out is through. All the diversions in the world only prolong the pain.

If I want to get better, and I desperately DO want to get better, than I have to go to that place with her and trust that I will come out on the other side in one piece. I have to go to that place and go there again and again until the emotions are processed and I can finally let it go. It is so hard, and so painful. It takes my breath away. But I keep going. It's all I can do.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

.... At the end she said, by the way, if you tried to quit, I would hunt you down. You're not gonna quit in the middle of this on my watch. We're in this thing together until the end.

What would I give for my T to say that to me.

When I ask her about my family member who recommends I quit, all she will say is, that's entirely up to you; you are free to go at any time. (Read: so hit the road, and don't let the door bang you in the ***** on the way out. I have other clients.)

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

What would I give for my T to say that to me.

When I ask her about my family member who recommends I quit, all she will say is, that's entirely up to you; you are free to go at any time. (Read: so hit the road, and don't let the door bang you in the ***** on the way out. I have other clients.)

(((((sawe))))))

I don't think that's what your T is saying, but if my T said that to me I would feel the same way you do. It was really, really healing to me to have my T say those words. It means a lot. I keep going back to where I wrote it down and re-reading it in case it wasn't real.

I have read here of other Ts saying similar things to what your's said, so I think it's a thing. One of those mysterious T things that they learn. I know it depends on the T, but I think it's not uncommon for certain types of Ts to take that stance, regardless of how they feel about the client, that they shouldn't try to convince them to stay or to go.

Anyway, I'm trying to say, I can see how you would read it as T not caring about you. In reality, she could care very much, but she feels her stance should be one where you have the choice and aren't staying just to please her. Some people here (treehouse!) would be brave enough to ask their T right out how s/he feels about them. I would not be that brave. I'm lucky that my T has figured out what I need to hear without me having to say it, because I could never ask her how she feels.

The last time I went through a thing where I almost quit, I told my T about it after the fact. I told her I already decided to stay, but throughout the week I had gone through the process of deciding to quit and then changing my mind. Anyway, she said "so you're sticking around?" and I said "If you'll let me..." and she said "It's not whether I will let you or not. I want you to keep coming. I want to do this trauma work with you. I want to get you to the other side of it and see what that's like for you. I want that." It was the closest I ever came to asking her how she felt about me, and her words are still with me, all these months later.

And even knowing that, I still have days like today where I think I have to quit T in order to maintain my sanity. I guess that's a sign that I'm still in need of therapy, lol. I always think, well, sure, she said that then but this is NOW and she probably doesn't mean it anymore. It's an inability on my part to be able to trust in any kind of permanence. I really hope I outgrow that someday