seeking new T's makes me want to hurl

That's cool zoo, thanks! Maybe I will call this T's vmail that way. Something to try tomorrow.

So just now I was writing an email to a friend and I just randomly burst into tears. I am still crying and it's not even connected to anything at all. I think it's just about everything. T is leaving, my sister is very badly addicted to heroin, I can't shake this depression, I'm getting behind at work, I HATE my boss and think he represents all the evil in the world, I hate my parents but pretend to love them, my brother is dating my best friend and now he's getting jealous when I spend time with her.. just everything. And my best friend didn't answer her phone when I called tonight. I'm really f**king lonely right now and I guess I just wanted someone to know.

(((((jexa)))))
that's a lot of big stuff. No wonder you feel overwhelmed.
I'm having some sort of issues with my best friend, too, I don't know what exactly it's about, but it's hard. It starts to feel like there's nobody you can count on.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but if I was facing the things you just listed above I would be a complete wreck. Complete. And. Total. Just the part about losing my T alone would send me off into the stratosphere.

I guess I'm saying, it might not feel like it to you, but from where I sit you are handling this beautifully. The fact that you can cry, even if you don't know exactly what brought the tears up, is good. At least you have that release.

hang in there, Jexa. Everything is going to be okay.

Jexa,

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now, on top of your t leaving! It must feel pretty overwhelming. Considering that you have so many stressful things going on, it would seem reasonable to me that you might want to make sure you have found a t you can work with by the time your t leaves. That way, you won't have a period of time without support. Have you emailed any other t's besides that one? Maybe your t will have a good referral list for you.

About the unexpected crying for no reason. . .it's probably the stress of everything hitting you at once. I'm sure you have alot of feelings about what's going on in your life, with your friend, your sister, etc., and about terminating with your t.

However, if you you suspect that you are putting so much energy into your t search that you feel you are avoiding your feelings about termination, let your t know. You may be trying to avoid the pain of saying goodbye. But it's important that you allow yourself to feel (and share with your t) your true emotions about what's happening for you in your relationship with her. Share how you feel about her and about terminating, and allow her to help guide you through this difficult time.

((((((((((((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe if you do some cleaning you will get a reply?
Clean the bathroom, then check email.
Then clean the kitchen. After that, check email.
Next, put away all the books and the clothes, go through that pile of mail, start a load of laundry, then make your bed.
After that, you really won't care about checking email, you will just want to take a nap
(((((jexa)))))

(((((((((Jexa)))))))))))

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. That is a lot for anyone to deal with at one time. I hope that the T emails or calls you back soon. Have you sent out to more than one T? I don't want to scare you, but when I was looking for Ts before I would have people that I contact (albeit by phone) who I never ever heard back from. So I think it would be good to contact more than one person if you can.

It's possible this t won't make first contact by e-mail and would prefer a phone call. Why don't you place a call and mention you had e-mailed and hadn't heard back.

Oh Jexa. I SO get the phoneaphobia thing!! I haven't done it with my T, but for other things, I actually have this friend who will call place pretending to be me and do my "business" for me so I don't have to. Can you say "enabling"? She is a great friend by the way! I HATE using the phone!! With email, I always think the person can read and respond at their leisure, but the phone seems so intrusive. I hope you get a response soon.

Thanks guys. So, whilst shaking uncontrollably and stammering, I called the T and left a message. Agh! I forget completely what I said. Something like, "Um, hi Dr. A, my name is ___, I sent you an email and didn't get a response, maybe it went to your spam. I had some questions for you, call me back, my number is ____." AGH! I did it I did it I did it I did it but OH MY GOD. Now of course it's replaying in my mind "maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam maybe it went to your spam"

But. I did it.

googley, I'm trying to do this one T at a time. Trying too many at once would be overwhelming.

BlackCanary, I'm going to try to clean the house tonight! I won't have to check since I already DID something about it and the message said that all phone calls are returned within 24 hours.

peaches, thanks -- I don't know how I feel about letting these feelings in but I guess it's best for me.

My thoughts are so disjointed. I'm still shaking.

((((((((Jexa))))))))

Good for you Jexa!

I know the feeling of having a message 'echo' in your head. Try to remember that the T will listen to it once, write down your name and phone number, and *delete* -- she probably won't even pay much attention to what particular words you used.

It sounds like you were a little panic-y.
Have you calmed down? Breathed? Tried to distract yourself?

I hope she calls soon so you can be done waiting.

I know how hard that was, Jexa. I'm proud of you!

Hi Jexa,
I'd try contacting the next therapist on your list. This one might just be full and never get back to you. Also, even if she does, do you want to work with someone long term who is generally slow responding to you? If you're fine with that, that's okay, otherwise it could be a red flag. But I sense that it is already causing you a lot of anxiety.

Take care,
Oceanwave

Really nice work, Jexa

WOW!!! That is so great, jexa!!!

Way to go, jexa! Hope you hear back soon. (I have phone phobia too.)

Nice work on the phone call, seems completely normal to say "Maybe it went to your spam". Since that T's email is posted visibly, probably gets LOTS of spam, and only items from senders in the contact list go into the Inbox.

Hopefully the cleaning will feel therapeutic but I seriously have a hard time getting it done.

p.s. now I'm thinking how do you get a therapist to open spam? title like "Anti-Transferen$e MedZ cheep!!"

(((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))

Getting caught up and sending SO many hugs...

Quick update -- this T never got back to me. So, forget her. Oh well.

My T gave me a list of names on Friday -- I called or emailed all of them, ten in total. Most of them didn't work -- a couple weren't taking clients -- some were really awkward on the phone -- only ONE could do the rate I was asking, and she made me feel really uncomfortable on the phone and didn't "sound" competent.

But I think I MIGHT have found one -- depends on whether schedules match -- I originally told her I couldn't see her because she said she would have to charge $75/session, but I guess I could do three weeks on, one week off, and find a way to afford that. I emailed her to ask if this might work, and I'm waiting on her response. It's just that she was really nice on the phone. She ended up making me bawl my eyes out on my lunch break yesterday because she was so nice and saying things like, "I've been where you are -- I know this is really hard -- having anxiety makes this whole process so difficult." Anyway, it's pretty unusual for me to cry with people around (I've only cried once or twice in therapy), so it's a good indicator I guess, even though it sucked to come back to work with a red nose and puffy eyes.

I can't believe I have to find a new T I can't believe this is happening.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job of hunting for a new t. I hope this one does work out for you. Good work.

jexa, I want to give you some hugs first.

I hope this latest potential T works out. She sounds good! I know what you're going through. I never thought I would be able to quit seeing my former T. When I talked to others on the phone, they turned me off. But then, miraculously, I found my current T, and she's perfect for me.

So, don't give up!!!!

Hi Jexa,

I'm so glad you have found someone who you hope is going to work. I hope she is able to work with your schedule. You are doing so well with this process.

(((((Jexa)))))

Looks like scheduling probably won't work with this T. She can only see me in the middle of a work day, and her office is an hour away from me. My boss is SO not going to go for that.

I've called SO MANY therapists and I just feel SOOOO HOPELESS. It's so hard to find a T, AND have it work with my schedule, AND be able to afford it! I just want to throw in the towel completely. I don't know why I even try.

It might be time for casting your net wide and trying a bigger directory of therapists on top of your T's suggestions. Don't give up, there are lots of people out there and you WILL find the right match in the end! You should also ask your T for further names.
Take care,
Oceanwave

Ocean, I have been calling T's from everywhere, not just the list T gave me. Finding a T is a complete nightmare! I've contacted more than 20 T's -- some didn't get back to me -- most didn't have sliding scales -- and most were weird on the phone, making them an automatic "no."

I don't know. Maybe I should take a break from therapy. It's SO expensive. Maybe I should just go to yoga every day and buy a few self-help books. It would be cheaper and maybe it would even work better.