seeking new T's makes me want to hurl

So, as most of you know, my T is moving in October and I haven't exactly been handling it well But I'm doing much, much better -- no more SI, crying much less, etc. And now that I'm back to reality, I know that I need to know what's happening next. So, I need to search for a new T. Oh my gosh

I was going to try to see the T who works in the same office as my T, but her sliding scale did not go as low as I need it to. I don't have health insurance and I can only just barely afford T right now (at $50/session). I have to find another T who can do that for me.

Money is the MOST stressful thing. It brings up SO many feelings of shame to ask for low rates. It is really really overwhelming. And then being rejected by this other T because the rate I need is too low for her.. oh my gosh. I talked to T about this a little bit on Friday, but it is really hard to talk about because I get so ashamed about money. T said she will come up with a list of potential referrals and will have it next session, but I'll have to check their rates since she doesn't know. This is the HARDEST THING. This is a HUGE fear.

But I am facing it. I wrote an email to a T that I found on the Internet -- the Psychology Today website said she had a sliding scale. What do you guys think of this email? I've been reading it OVER and OVER and OVER again. I decided to make myself sound assertive and now I really wish I hadn't! I can't BELIEVE I told this stranger so much and it's really making me anxious and I can't stop thinking about it!!!!! I feel like I am going to throw up.

Hi Dr. A,

My name is J. M., and I am looking for a new therapist. My current therapist, Dr. H. K., is moving to another state in mid-October, and I'm trying to plan a smooth transition. I am a psychology student (well, post-bacc, and applying to clinical psychology PhD programs this December) struggling with a lot of anxiety-related issues and low self-esteem. And sometimes depression. I have a couple of questions for you.

1. Although mental health is a huge priority for me, I struggle a lot financially. What is the low end of your sliding scale? Are you able to take a client for $50/session or less? I know your time is worth a lot more than this, but this is really all I can afford. If this isn't possible, I'll continue my search.

2. Are you experienced with PTSD and sexual trauma? This isn't the thing I want to focus on necessarily, but it's a part of the struggle and something that needs to be addressed.

3. CBT didn't work so well for me when a previous therapist of mine was a bit rigid with the model. Would you consider yourself flexible, self-aware, and genuine?

I'd be happy to talk on the phone if it is more convenient. My cell phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

It seems like everything you put out to the online T is factual and businesslike. The tone didn't seem aggressive or demanding at all. It's more like "Here's what my situation is; here's what I hope you can help me with; and here's what I can afford. No hard feelings if I'm not a match." Your E-mail is entirely appropriate for what your needs are. Try not to sweat it too much. Take it easy on yourself.

I agree with Ratanddragon. I thought your e-mail was fine.

I think the e-mail is good. I am sorry this is something you have to do, but you are taking initiative for making sure you have a new support system in place. That's wonderful.

(((( Jexa )))) I think that is a very honest and "real" email! I do hope your search results in a perfect match for you!!

Thanks guys for the reassurance. I am still obsessing BIGTIME. I keep going back to this T's page and reading her information over and over and studying her picture over and over and over.. and going back to this email and re-reading it, and checking and checking my inbox.. AGH!

A thought just occurred to me. Is it possible I am obsessing about this because I am avoiding the pain of the termination?

Or maybe I need this in place so that I feel safe enough to process the pain of the termination?

I just don't know why I am getting SO obsessive. I've seriously read this email hundreds of times today.

Jexa, I liked your email.

There could be something to that. What do you think?

If my T were moving away, I would not put too much into the search for a new T while in the midst of trying to terminate. But I'm kind of an "unable to do two things at once" sort of person, so that may not be the case for you. I'm just thinking--if I had to terminate with my T, I would want to give our relationship its due, and celebrate our magnificent time together, and do a little mourning together about its end. Those things would be healing for me. Obsessing about who my next T would be would not help me celebrate or mourn the current relationship. It would distract me from my true feelings and cause me to miss out on the last valuable and bittersweet minutes with my T. Probably all I would do about finding a new T would be to ask my current T for a list of Ts he thought might work for me, and that would be it.

Only you know.

((((( Jexa )))))) You may be trying to avoid the pain that the change is bringing. You might well be onto something with this.

((((((((Jexa)))))))))

I agree that it is a good email.

This is such a hard process. I'm so sorry you are obsessing. Remember that this is a vacation weekend, so the T is probably less likely to check and then respond to email over it. He/She could be on vacation.

Sorry about the thumbs down..I miss-clicked. Thought I hit thumbs-up! Have you ever tried to pattern-breathe? When my thoughts get stuck in an obsessive loop, it sometimes helps to take moderately deep breaths in a pattern: mine is 4 to inhale-hold 2-exhale 4-hold 2 and repeat. The pattern shouldn't be a strain, but it should be just enough outside of how you normally breathe that you have to concentrate to hold it. It doesn't always work to calm me down, but it does work more often than not and tends to pull me out of the "what if" loop. Good luck.

(((((((((jexa))))))))))

i think your email is great.

I think the email sounds perfect. Very professional. You put in enough info without overdoing the details. I am all about planning, I have to have things in place to the finest detail, so I get what you are doing. Not knowing where you'll be or what is going to happen can be unsettling and anxiety provoking. I personally don't see it as avoidance, I see it more as care-management. Kudo's to you for taking control of the future.

I will suggest that you make your questions #2 and #3 open ended vs. Yes/No
2. Will you please tell me about your years of experience with PTSD and sexual trauma, any special training or experience you have in this area? Is there any approach you prefer for this area of treatment? Do you have any specific resources that you recommend to clients?
3. Could you please describe your therapy approach in general? What will you expect from me? How much flexibility do you employ in tailoring your approach?

For me, one of the best ways to cut my anxiety about a situation (like termination) is to start to formulate a plan and start to take some action. Once I know I am doing SOMETHING to address my aspect of the underlying core situation over which I have no control (my therapist is leaving!!!), then I typically feel better.

Jexa, how are you doing today?

Thanks guys - and thanks sunrise for checking on me I do think that with this T search, I am trying to make good care management choices and plan for the future. But... even good coping strategies can be used to avoid feelings. Thing is, I don't even feel the pain of T leaving at all anymore. The thought doesn't even bother me because it's just like, "Oh, no worries, because I am going to do X and then X and then X and then everything is all better and I won't even need T anymore." But now T wants to talk about the termination and what it's bringing up for me (because obviously it was too much to cope with not too long ago), and I couldn't really even talk about it because I don't even feel it anymore. It feels like nothing. Like a mouthful of lukewarm water. You know?

I AM really annoyed though and kind of crawling out of my SKIN because this other T still hasn't written me back! I definitely feel that! I keep just playing games on my computer and my phone and checking my email every few minutes, and that's been my whole night. I am skipping choir practice tonight because I was too depressed to practice this week. I feel really bad but.. I just don't feel like doing anything. I want to drop out of choir, but I know I'll regret it because I love to sing and I'll miss it.

Oh

I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, but then I keep feeling guilty for doing nothing... guilty for not practicing... guilty for how much of a disgusting wreck my apartment is.. guilty for not trying harder at work..

I guess I'm not doing too well, huh.

(((((jexa))))))
I see so much of me in your words. I do the same thing, avoid feelings by doing xyz whatever it is, a million made-up things (like cleaning the inside of the vacuum!), just to feel like I'm doing *something*.

I also know that feeling where you notice that something that you THINK should hurt (or feel good, or whatever) just feels like...nothing. Like a mouthful of lukewarm water, exactly!

I'm sorry the other T hasn't written you back yet. This whole situation is just so $hitty and I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but I think you really are doing okay. I'm not trying to minimize what you're going through, at all, and I know you wish you were doing more or coping in different ways, but really. Look at where you were a couple weeks ago with the SI, and look where you are now. That IS progress. That IS coping. It's not perfect, but that' because you're stuck in an imperfect situation and are working so hard to use the skills you have to get through it. It's messy and it's crappy but YOU ARE GETTING THROUGH IT.

Thanks zoo. When you have felt like that.. the lukewarm water feeling.. was there anything to break out of it? I do think it's in my best interest to process this with T while she's still around but I'm having a really hard time imagining doing that.

It's true I'm coping better than I was. I've been trying to spend time with friends almost every second lately but tonight I am alone and can't even think straight. I should clean the house tonight. I really should. BLAH.

WHY WON'T THIS T WRITE BAAACK?

Jexa, the first thing I thought of when I read your lukewarm water feeling was actually something I posted about on this board. Remember a couple weeks ago, when I had a post about self care and this kind of AH HA moment I had? But then when I came back and read it a few days later, it felt like...nothing. Just... _______. Blank.

Anyway, that was what I thought of. That and the situation I have going on in my extended family right now, which is upsetting on some levels but not as upsetting as I think it should be. I really had to talk it through with my T to make sure there wasn't some huge reservoir of feeling there that I was just refusing to look at.

I agree that it seems like a good idea to process this with T while she's here, so you can move into your work with your new T without a lot of unresolved feelings about this T. I guess the only way to do that is to tell your T how you feel, or how you don't feel in this case. That's always kind of my default answer anyway, though, because I think the Ts will automatically know more than I do on any given subject (except possibly U2 fandom ).

not sure if that helps, sometimes I think I say too much when I really should just shut up and offer hugs. Here you go!

Jexa,
I totally agree with Zooropa - you have made huge progress.
Don't be so hard on yourself, ok? You deserve some kindness.

About the T - can you call the T to follow-up on the email? I know for me, I have a major phone phobia, but in this situation I think the fear of calling a stranger would be trumped by the agony of waiting for a response. What if the T is on an extended vacation? What if your email accidently went into the spam folder and got deleted? What if the T never even got it, or maybe she wrote back to you already but YOU never got her email for some reason? There are a million possibilities. If it were me I'd be going crazy from not knowing.

Hang in there, Jexa.

I guess there isn't really exactly a solution to that, is there? Just maybe I will feel it when I am ready? Who knows. Or maybe if I write to T, a goodbye note or something. Ohhh. There's a little of the sadness. Blah. I don't WANT to feel it!!! And I don't WANT to talk to T about it.

It's so weird to talk to T about how I'm feeling about her leaving. I mean. It's just weird. It feels weird and awkward and like.. TMI or something? Even though I know there's no such thing as TMI in therapy. But because this is ABOUT her, it feels wrong to TELL her. T says that processing this will help with other relationships in my life. I don't wanna.

I don't know if I should try this T again. I don't want to be a pain. What if she was on vacation for Labor Day and is catching up or something? I'd hate to set a "needy" impression already. Even though this really is AGONY. How long is it appropriate to wait?

when did you email her, Jexa? I think you could be right and she may have been out of town for the weekend and is playing catch up still.

zoo, I sent it on Saturday. Should I wait until.. Thursday maybe? I really hope she responds sooner than that!

eeek, waiting until Thursday seems like a long time to me. I guess that's just the day after tomorrow, but...I think darkrunner's idea of following up with a phone call is a good one, unless you have phone phobia like I do.

It's hard, because like you I'd worry about coming across as too demanding or needy right off the bat. On the other hand, some people just aren't as on top of their email as others.

I just hate to think of you waiting and waiting and waiting, because I know how agonizing that can be.

zoo, I actually do have a pretty significant phone phobia. I avoid my phone a lot because a lot of times I don't feel strong enough to answer it and face that fear. And I definitely avoid making phone calls. Especially important ones. Sooo.. I'd rather not follow up by phone. I am, though, really curious what this T's voice sounds like. Maybe I will call at a time when she surely will not answer! Like 10pm. Or maybe not.

I am so RESTLESS tonight!

I keep checking my inbox over and over.. and when there is something there, my heart leaps! And then is crushed again. I hate caring so much though. She's probably not even going to be able to do the $50/session thing anyway

oh!! That reminded me of something I just found out about last week. slydial.com, it is perfect for those of us with phone issues. I haven't used it yet but some of my fb friends were talking about it. It's free, basically you call their number and then put in the number of the person you want to be connected to and it will take you straight to their voicemail, no risk of them actually answering. It only works on US cell phones, but maybe that will help you, Jexa!

I can really see myself using that to call T when I just want to hear her message but don't want to actually talk to her right then.