[rainbow8]

My H wants to know how my T is going to help me stop my pattern. He says that I'm getting what I want from her, so why would I want to quit? Just like with the other Ts. Maybe it's like someone posted to me, I think on PC, about putting an alcoholic in a liquor store.

I emailed my T about this right now. I said maybe the touching is wrong because it feels good, and told her my H's concerns. Now I feel so guilty about feeling good in therapy. But T is trying to help me to have those good feelings inside of me. She wants it to be about my RL, not about her. But I'm lacking something inside of me to do that, or I wouldn't have this pattern at all.

I feel so confused and upset now! I feel like a lot of people on PC side with my H and think I'm just like an alcoholic. But I trust my T. I hope she has something helpful to say when she emails me back.

[Fartraveler]

Hi Rainbow,

Maybe your husband doesn't see it, but actually, I'm noticing some changes in you -- some significant differences in the tones of your posts. I think this T is really the right one for you. It's just in the way you describe the interactions between the two of you.

Besides, I thought your H's objection was the money? And isn't this T covered by your insurance? So, what's the problem?

Good luck, I think you're doing fine.

:-)

-Far

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My H wants to know how my T is going to help me stop my pattern.

Part of the pattern is being in a relationship with a T who is aloof and not nurturing, so you kept banging your head against the wall in therapy trying to get something beyond what the T permitted. Now you are breaking that pattern by being in a relationship with a T who will allow secure attachment. The idea is that you are working towards that with her, and that is something you have never had in therapy before. When you get there, and experience that for a while, you will learn to internalize the care and then be able to manage in life better without the T, because you can better give yourself what you need. The very act of being in a secure relationship is very healing, so you may be surprised what you can accomplish after that. So if your H really wants an explanation, you could tell him that (if you agree).

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed my T about this right now. I said maybe the touching is wrong because it feels good, and told her my H's concerns.

Sometimes I think that involving another person in the details of one's therapy is not productive. JMO.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Rainbow )))

It's difficult to feel so confused about a situation - and then get feedback that covers all different views....

I am glad you reached out to T about it, because ultimately she may be able to put your mind at ease and go with the flow.

I know it's hard to imagine that the feelings you have with T will change and that you will be able to internalize the caring, nurturing or have the ability to find that outside of T....but perhaps this is the route to getting those needs met and learning how to get it elsewhere....

[sittingatwatersedge]

Rainbow,
here's my two cents...
it took a lot of self awareness to even ask yourself if you might have a dependency in this way. But even if it is true that you have it, why beat yourself up for it? Everything has a reason behind it and when the cause is resolved, the need will dissipate.

Your analogy of alcoholism is a little off, that's partly a physical dependency, not only an emotional one by any means. and BTW, alcoholism is the physical entrenchment of using alcohol as a coping mechanism for too long, and too hard. So, what if your perceived "dependency" on therapy is a coping mechanism too? it bears thinking about.

Lastly unless yr DH is a T or pdoc etc, why do you feel that he is seeing the issue in its proper light? Maybe he is just taking your stated fears at face value and isn't able to look more deeply to see the cause behind. You have made the VERY COURAGEOUS step of laying this before yr T for her guidance - I hope that whatever her response is, you can be at peace with it. And hopefully yr DH will be too.

OK, I guess that was three cents, not two. Peace to you

[Perna]

Everything changes over time and nothing lasts forever; what we need now we may/may not have needed or gotten before. Holding hands is not just holding hands, there is more going on than meets the eye or even the feeling goodness.

[deliquesce]

i wonder if your H might be interested in meeting with this new T so he can get on the same page about your therapy also. it seems like you carry a lot of anxiety and guilt about going to therapy (with this T and old therapists) due to your husbands perceptions about its usefulness. im wondering if having a supportive husband might actually facilitate your being able to move from needing T so much to getting your needs met in RL? just a thought .

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Far. I appreciate you telling me how you see me. The money is of course important, really important, but the main thing my H objects to is my making the T more important than he is. He sees how much I like therapy, and how I don't want to miss any sessions. He sees how much I like my T and he feels left out. It's the pattern, and I don't blame him at all. I can't help it because that's the way it's always been for me. I'm trying to make him more important.

Thanks, sunrise. I know that my relationship with this T is different, though I think I had secure relationships with at least 2 of my other ts too. i just wasn't as open and honest with them. I hope you're right, though.

I tell my H because he has been so hurt by being left out when I've had these obsessions/attachments to my other Ts that I don't want to shut him out. It's very important that I don't develop a fantasy world with my T and leave my H behind.

MUE, I hope I will be able to do what you said. Thanks.
SAWE, you gave me something to think about, that my analogy to alcoholism is off, and that I'm using my dependency as a coping mechanism. I think you're right.

Perna, you make me think you know something that I don't know. So mysterious. Do you?

Deli, my H was going to come in for a few sessions but then this 'touching" stuff started and we didn't think it was the right time. Yes, if I had a more supportive H, and could get more needs met by him, I could probably quit therapy. That's a big part of the problem, but a lot is also from childhood.

[WikidPissah]

[quote=rainbow8;1482993The money is of course important, really important, but the main thing my H objects to is my making the T more important than he is. He sees how much I like therapy, and how I don't want to miss any sessions. He sees how much I like my T and he feels left out. It's the pattern, and I don't blame him at all. I can't help it because that's the way it's always been for me. I'm trying to make him more important......

......Yes, if I had a more supportive H, and could get more needs met by him, I could probably quit therapy. That's a big part of the problem, but a lot is also from childhood. [/quote]

You know...I have some of the same issues. Since H and I don't talk much I need T. But I don't think your H could meet all your needs. We are complex, and our issues are deep. H's aren't trained to handle these issues...and I think it would be kind of unfair to ask them to. Just my opinion.

BTW: I think it's cool your attached to your T...I have never gotten that trustful of a T before.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Eileen. It may be cool to be attached to my T, but it is causing me a lot of pain. It's the issue I need to work on--problems about attachment. You're right. My H can meet some of those needs, but not all.

((((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))

first, i owe you an apology. i am so sorry i have kind of gone awol on you. i can sometimes take on too much trying to help others and then get rather overwhelmed and shut down. my sincerest apologies for that.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe it's like someone posted to me, I think on PC, about putting an alcoholic in a liquor store.

i did make this analogy but then if you remember i later said maybe that is just another way of looking at transference. same experience but just a different paradigm to view the issue? if it isn't helpful to view what you have as an addiction then please feel free to throw it out. as for whether or not your therapy is helping i think only you can answer that. i do get the sense that you are making progress that you haven't made with your other Ts in the past. it sounds like you are doing some difficult work on childhood issues too. i think in time it will become clearer to you whether or not the therapy is more a help or a hindrance. take care sweet rainbow.

[rainbow8]

Bloom,

I didn't remember who said that about an alcoholic; thank you for replying and reminding me. I HAVE missed you; I just didn't know it was YOU.

When I emailed my T with that analogy, she replied that she didn't think that's how it is for me. She believes that my needs are very real and that she can help me.

You're right. This therapy is so different from any of my others. T is trying to give me some of what I missed; the others told me it can't be done. I'm feeling IN the sessions; I've never done that before. The child part is expressing her need for love, and T is giving it to her.

I got thrown off by my feelings about my last session, and hating my "pattern." But my T keeps telling me that it takes time, and that we're in this together. She is the most caring, compassionate T I ever had, and I really like the IFS (Internal Family Systems) model that she uses. I'm not sure about EMDR, but IFS fits me.

I appreciate your apology and your honesty, bloom.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))))))

[rainbow8]

Fuzzy, I always get such a warm feeling when I see your "fuzzy bear". I hope you're doing okay! Thanks for posting to me here.

[WePow]

Rainbow, you are doing what you need to do to learn how to give yourself what you need in the long run. Your H is only seeing things from his POV. And that is not your reality - it never can be.

Your NEEDs about these things are real. There is something that is missing that you feel. Your T is trained and sounds like a wonderful fit! T is showing you how to feel what is missing and showing you what it feels like to have that need met. After you know what that feels like, T will show you how you meet that need yourself.

My T is having me read a book you might really gain from: Emotional Sobriety by Tian Dayton. Amazon has it on sale too! But it talks about these things. I am still reading the book, but have been floored by how much it explains what I didn't understand. A big part of it is the role a parent plays in teaching a baby what it feels like to be safe and calm.

Example:
Baby gets upset hearing a loud bang - baby is unable to regulate emotions
Mom or dad pick baby up and rock baby to calm - parent regulates emotions for baby
Baby feels calm again - baby feels that being rocked calmed emotions
Baby is sleeping and a bang wakes her up - baby starts to shake
Baby remembers feeling of being rocked calmed her last time
Baby rocks back and forth simulating the body memory of being rocked by parents
Baby feels better and can go back to sleep.
(( Baby has learned a self-soothing tool ))

I think this may help you out a bit. Big hugs!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

Example:
Baby gets upset hearing a loud bang - baby is unable to regulate emotions
Mom or dad pick baby up and rock baby to calm - parent regulates emotions for baby

Example two:
Baby gets upset hearing a loud bang - baby is unable to regulate emotions
Mom or dad cannot regulate their own emotions, take it out on baby, baby learns that nothing can regulate emotions except denial

[Brightheart]

Rainbow, you're so hard on yourself sometimes. Why, do you think, it is so difficult and painful for you to allow your needs to be met? It sounds like you have a wonderful, caring T.

[rainbow8]

WePow, I'm going to look for that book. Thank you for suggesting it.

Your NEEDs about these things are real. There is something that is missing that you feel. Your T is trained and sounds like a wonderful fit! T is showing you how to feel what is missing and showing you what it feels like to have that need met. After you know what that feels like, T will show you how you meet that need yourself.

That sounds like what the plan is. I still don't trust it completely. I don't know why.

Pachy, you're right. That's the flip-side.

Brightheart: Thank you for being here for me. You asked a good question. I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I don't feel like I deserve to get my needs met. Also, when I do, I feel out-of-control because I can't regulate the feelings. (Now that IS a BPD trait) It feels immature to get those childish needs met NOW. I get all stirred up and confused about the good feelings.

[zooropa]

(((((rainbow)))))
no words, just lots of love for you

[rainbow8]

zoo, thank you. for you too.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe I don't feel like I deserve to get my needs met. Also, when I do, I feel out-of-control because I can't regulate the feelings. (Now that IS a BPD trait) It feels immature to get those childish needs met NOW. I get all stirred up and confused about the good feelings.

Maybe you can help me understand a bit better, Rainbow. When you say you can't regulate your emotions, what does that look like for you? And what are you associating with a "childish" need? I hear a lot of self-judgment. Try being gentle with yourself and turning down your critical voice.

I also have had a difficult time (at times) with receiving. What I discovered is that I would feel guilty and in turn feel bad about myself for feeling good. I try to remind myself all of the time now that it's okay...I can accept the joy and soak up the love.

I hope you are feeling better about this soon, Rainbow.

(((((((((rainbow))))))))))))