Group T....

After my behavior last week, I realize that attending group T this week would be difficult – and I kept saying that I had no intention of going. Then, I realized that in order to work through this, I needed to go…

But I’ve been dealing with so much other stuff that is overwhelming enough, I can’t see adding more to my overflowing pile right now. I feel like a caged animal, terrified and ready to lash out at anything that comes my way.

I pretty much know that I wouldn’t share any of my personal struggles during group T. I tried that recently, and look where it got me….and now that the group is pretty ticked off at me, I doubt that they would be supportive of me anyway. Nor, do I feel deserved of their support.

The conclusion I came to was that I need to have a session with T individually first before going back to group T. So, I posted on the blog that I was not intending to go to group tomorrow – that I’m dealing with a lot of stuff and because of my behavior last week, I’m doubtful that my attendance would be of any value. Of course, no response so far.

I notified T that I was not going to group, and he acknowledged that he is aware.

I’m assuming everyone is glad that I’m not going...and that they’d prefer me not to be there anyway.

Blech.

I've never done group therapy - so I might not know what I'm on about.

I saw your last message about it - I would go - if you want to anyway. Don't let them stop you - go because you want to - you deserve their support as much as anyone else there.

Take Care

"blech" is right. That is a sucky feeling, I am so sorry! Did the blog mention last week? Maybe everyone isn't thinking as badly of you as you think of yourself? When will you get to chat with your T about all this? You have so much going on, and so much to process...I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

Thanks....The thing is, I don't want to go. I have a pretty good idea of what to expect when I'm there - and none of it would entail others caring to listen or be supportive of me.

Thanks, Eileen...

Yes, the blog notes were posted, and my individual feedback felt patronizing.....the T wrote, "It sounds like you were not in a place where you were able to safely express your feelings. I believe you are able to more constructively share your emotions to communicate more effectively. Do you believe your characterization of "X's show" was beneficial in communicating the message you wished to convey?"

I'm not a child. I lashed out, yes. This feedback helps me feel as though this T (not my T) is positioning himself as higher and mightier than me...and it's rubbing me the wrong way. Well, the last sentence, anyway. Or, maybe it's what I deserve. I don't know.

And my T hasn't been empathetic towards me at all. On the contrary, he's shown the other woman much more compassion...and me, nadda, zip, zilch. Even when I emailed him to let him know that I am slipping and wanted to be sure I have an appt with him this week, he acknowledged my session date/time in a matter-of-fact, business-like way.

I guess I just feel kinda hurt right now.

MUE, because someone else calls you harsh, I don't care if it's your T, does not make you harsh! Rarely is the expression of anger, "pretty". I reread all your posts about the blowup and I am really proud of you that you didn't do name calling or degenerate into the "snarling" person you claim you were; I think your feelings are reflecting more your take on what the other people seemed to be doing. I think, were I in your place, I would go to group, just to see what happened! I wouldn't be able to "stop" in the middle of the story

That the other girl was hurt, could indicate you touched a nerve, something she has been told before but hasn't been able to address yet. I think it is natural that other people respond to people who appear to be the weaker/more hurt? You very clearly stated your point of view and that's wonderful! Yes, when you become perfect it will sound better, and the guy who was "disappointed" in you, that's how he feels and is about him, not about you!

MUE, it sounds like you're too hurt to go to group this week. That's OK. The feelings are too raw. Sometimes we need a little distance. Maybe another week will provide you with that. And the session with your T will help too.

MUE, when you were sharing with the group but before the woman piped up and tried to turn the attention to herself, were things going OK? Was the group reacting well to your sharing your struggles, offering support or ideas or empathy (or whatever good is supposed to happen)? This seems important to me, but the way you reacted to the woman has clouded over the experience you were having of sharing with the group. I think once you are past the issue of this woman and your reaction to her, it would be interesting to return to that. Do you feel like never sharing with the group again because of how they were reacting to you? Or because of the whole mess with this woman? If the former, what was going wrong? How were the members reacting that was not helpful?

Thanks, Perna....but I really do believe I was harsh. I was yelling, and it really wasn't appropriate at all. When I posted on the blog, I apologized to her, telling her that she didn't deserve to be treated that way by me. I'm being honest with that...but am still angry because she still has not taken any ownership for her part - and her sarcasm really gets under my skin. But that's my stuff too, kwim?

I'm afraid that the group members will continue to coddle this woman, and I'll just become even more angry. Or, they will start bashing me, etc. I've been in group with these people for almost 2 years - with the exception of this woman who is rather new - and I have a pretty good sense of what they feel towards me at the moment.

Now, if I felt stronger, I would face it. But right now, I don't feel strong enough. I have too much other stuff working against me....

Thanks, sunrise....I appreciate your support.

Before the woman piped up, I got very little feedback from the group about what I was sharing. There was no depth to their responses...or there was just silence....it was so, unfulfilling. Even the new T posted his feelings on the blog about my disclosure...and encouraged others to post theirs....and NOTHING. This has been a gripe I've had for quite a while, so I'd feel like I'm beating a dead horse by raising it again.

I just feel like there's no reason at all for me to share my issues...because I really don't get much out of it, other than feeling vulnerable to a group of people who don't have anything to give back to me.

Wow, that sounds really cold, doesn't it? I know people will think - why are you still going to this group? I have learned an awful lot about myself and how I relate to others, which is where I've found the most value. But when it comes to sharing personal traumas, etc. - this group just does not seem to be a good fit for me.

Oh, and the other thing I'm fearful of is the other woman leaving the group because of our exchange....and then I'd feel really awful about my behavior....and I'm sure T would be disappointed as well as the rest of the group...and I would absorb most of that blame.

Can you bring up with the group (if I remember right) that they were saying you weren't sharing enough and they wanted you to trust them more and share more. But then say, that you are trying to share more, but aren't getting the support you need. And because of that it makes you not want to share anything. You have tried to do what they suggested, and have not gotten the support that you provide to others when they share? It seems like you are doing what they asked, and they are just not being supportive? Ask them how they would feel if they shared and no one was supportive, especially when someone wanted you to share.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time w/ group T right now.

(((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))

I have been thinking a bit about how to reply to you on all this because I can tell it is really eating you up on the inside. So I hope this comes out right and I hope that it helps.

When I was in my 20's, I had major issues with how my peers were treating me. Some of the people I called my best friends would treat me like emotional dirt. I would blow up and that made the situation worse. I would go into T and T would never be mad at my friends for what they did wrong... and that made me ever angrier about the whole situation. On the inside, it felt as though the entire world was just looking at me like I was a monster and they just wanted me gone. I hated that feeling more than anything.

One day I was telling my college T about a major fight in my household of two roomies and me. They were both attacking me without mercy. I got very angry at both of them and said some very mean things to them. I had never been that angry openly towards them. My T sat there and started talking about my response and such - and I grew even hotter! I finally lashed out at him and said "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! THEY WERE THE ONES ATTACKING ME! YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!"

I can still see college T now as he folded his hands together and placed them on his chest in the most thoughtful way. He was so silent and still, and I was out of breath from yelling at him and just sat there looking at him. Then he spoke and said something that went like this:

"W, I have seen you come in here session after session and I know how mentally cruel those two 'ladies' are to you at times. But you have told me that you can't get out of the situation at this time, so this is your reality.

My job is NOT to change your reality, and it is not to change how others treat you. You are going to encounter more people like this long after you are out of college. If I sat here and just agreed with you about how horrible people can be to eachother, I do not deserve to sit behind this desk and do this job.

My job is to help you learn the skills you need so you can stand up for yourself in a constructive way. Once you learn these skills, it won't matter at all who says what to you or why they said it. You will be the one in charge of your reality. What I am trying to teach you is how to beat the bully at their own game because life is full of bullies."

Anyway, that was a turning point for me internally. I started to change how I participated in conversation with others. Here are some of the key points I discovered through those years. They are keys I have to use each and every day. And they helped me to change MY reality.

1) I am only responsible for MY actions. And I AM responsible for those actions and words.

2) I cannot change others. It is not my place or right to do so. Some people are mean, some people are nice. Bottom line is that People are People. They all have their own set of things. My job is to change W - not to change them.

3) It is my right to feel my emotions. And it is the right of others to feel their emotions. If a friend is mad at me for any reason, I must honor their right to feel that emotion.

((( Hint: This one key totally transformed the way arguements went with the two I lived with because my college T had me TELL THEM the following if emotions were getting hot: "You have the right to feel that way. I respect your right to that feeling." OMG - the look I would get for that! Those who wanted to push me over the edge - the bullies - that would set them off big time. But my rebuttle would be the same response over and over. The bully person would finally give up trying to get me upset and they would go sulk. But guess who was now in control of her own emotions! ))

Those are the three keys that helped me the most. Big safe hugs to you!!

Thanks, googley & WePow....

This is such wonderful feedback...I soooo appreciate it.

I decided to post on the group T blog again, expressing more of my feelings and my dilemma about group T.

First, I apologized more fully to the woman that I lashed out at, telling her I felt ashamed for my behavior...I acknowledged that I was angry, but that she didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated her.

Then, I gave some feedback to the person that said that I was harsh and he was disappointed in me. I told him that I was not receptive to his feedback as it felt condescending. I was disappointed too with my behavior - but his feedback felt like an attack on my character, on my entire being.

I then shared that I was feeling rejected by the lack of feedback when I shared such very personal experiences and feelings a couple weeks ago....and that I, in turn, am feeling distant and discouraged about group. This, combined with some life struggles that I'm going through, helped me to decide not to attend group tomorrow.

I then shared that this decision scares me, because I imagine feeling even more distant and discouraged by not attending...that group has been a valuable and important part of my life, and I am upset at the idea of that diminishing.

I closed the post by saying that I am hoping for some feedback - anything but crickets....

We'll see what happens.....

Thanks everyone...

BTW - WePow, it's so true that learning the skills is what's important. I have been trying so so so hard in group to handle what's been thrown at me....because how I decide to handle it is what matters.

((((((((((( MUE )))))))))))))))

You are amazing! What you did with your new post to your group is something very few people (including "healthy" ones) are capable of doing. Bravo for you!

(((MUE)))
I haven't said anything yet but it just struck me how similar your group is to one I was in. The tools that Wepow mentioned are wonderful and so true. If I used those tools instead of my tantrum, things would have gone so much better. I'm in awe of your personal responsibility and maturity. It's so hard, when we feel hurt, to express ourselves correctly. You did it with your blog post. I hope the members read it and comment and I do hope it helps.

do you share your personal struggles and traumas with your therapist in individual sessions?

youre right...my first thought was, "why keep going to this group?" maybe you have outgrown this group? it happens...you got a lot out of it when it comes to your interactions with others and gaining insights into yourself, but maybe youve gotten all you can get from it. just a thought...

MUE, do you see many issues through out the day as people being either above or below you or others? Didn't you post once that your mother made you feel this way with your brother? If this is true maybe you are doing this in group and this is what others are reacting to?

So she was giving feedback you just didn't like what she said.

MUE, I think that you will learn a lot of things about yourself through this and don't you think that leaving this unresolved this week has added to your stress? I do hope that you go tonight and try to resolve this for yourself.

Aww, shucks...

Thanks, WePow!

Thanks, Calista....

It's true that it's hard when we're overwhelmed with feelings and haven't been taught how to appropriately express them...*sigh*

Although, this is the first time in 1-1/2 years that my group has experienced me this way.

Thanks, Dr. M....

I struggle with sharing even with T in individual sessions. I have such a hard time with it and would much rather avoid it all. I know that doesn't help me in the long run. It just feels so....yucky...and then the ANTS come in, which lead me to feel badly about myself...Blech.

I'd be surprised if I've gotten all I can get from this group. I'm still learning about myself, even with all the ACKs and GRRRs....I'm just not sure this is the right mix of people to help me with dealing with my personal struggles...I may give some thought to perhaps joining a different group that may be better suited for what I am tackling...

My boss talks down to me and criticizes me on a regular basis. It's pretty awful. My parents did the same, while my sister sat on her pedestal. My ex-husband used to be very controlling....But I don't usually see people as above or below me....I see people trying to act above me....I generally see people as equals, with their own hurdles, struggles, successes, etc.

Indeed, this woman was speaking up - but she wasn't giving me feedback. She was giving the group feedback about how she felt ignored and left out...which had nothing to do with what I was sharing with the group. Maybe this group doesn't know how to handle deep stuff.

I got a couple responses to my post, and although much of it was very critical, explaining more about their disappointment in me, etc. - there were also parts that were reassuring.

I'm undecided at the moment if I plan to attend group tonight. I don't want to feel more distant and detached from the group...but at the same time, I don't know if I can handle more right now. I have a screaming migraine and am incredibly exhausted....