Dual relationship with T

I have been seeing my T for 5 years. Here's the weird part-we go to the same church. So, I see him in session, and I see him "socially" at church. I know his wife, his kids, I have eaten meals with him, and have sat in bible study with him.

In some ways, this has helped me see him as a normal human being. But, at the same time, I hold back on some things because talking to him about sex, then seeing him at church on Sunday morning is just weird!

I'm not willing to find a new T, have no desire to do that. And, I am not changing churches. So, for now, we just carry on doing both and sometimes we talk about how weird it can be for me.

Does anybody else have a similar situation, and if so, how do YOU feel about it?

I had a similar situation with my former T whom I saw for more than 5 years. I didn't see her every week outside of therapy, but we were in the same religious group. If I had to see her at church every week, I think it would be hard. I managed because I'd run into her about every few weeks at various social or religious functions. The hardest was a class we both attended and once she sat next to me. I felt like a deer in the headlights.

Did you know your T from your church first? I mean, did you choose him as a T knowing you had a dual relationship? How does he feel about it? My T had no problem with it, but she realized it was hard for me. I always HAD to go up to her and try to make small talk when I saw her, but it was hard because I felt like I was pretending! I wanted more than chit-chat but that's how it had to be.

If you can talk to him about it, that's good. What does he say? If it gets TOO weird, maybe you should consider seeing someone else. But I never wanted to switch T's either. It was helpful, like you said, to see her just being a regular person, just like me. But also weird!!

It's a long story. I knew him for about a year before the church thing came into play. We talked about it quite a bit before I joined. It's actually pretty easy to not bring therapy into church-it's much harder to not bring church into therapy.

When something comes up that is weird for me to talk to him about BECAUSE of church, we talk about it quite easily.

But, there are things I avoid at church when I think he might be attending, like weekend retreats. I just think something like that would be too weird.

All in all, we make it work. But, it sometimes feels weird at the same time!

When I was a kid my parents sent me to a T who also went to my church. It was awful. I couldn't tell her anything when I knew she was going to see my parents at church. Nothing bad about what was happening at home. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is really unethical (unless you are in a small town) for your T to see you in this situation. Specifically for the reasons that you specify here.

I had a dual relationship with my T, but it was a dual professional relationship rather than 1 professional (therapy) plus 1 social (church). First he was just my T, then we added the second role, then after 2 years, that was done, so we went back to just T. It worked out pretty well, although there were a couple of bumps along the way. The important thing was to keep the communication open and talk about it if problems were coming up. The thing that was a little bumpy for me was confidentiality issues. We talked about that several times and tried the best we could, but sometimes it did get to me. What I did like about the second relationship was that I saw my T outside the therapy office and I liked seeing him in a different context. I wondered at first if he would be different outside of his office, but he was just that same! I liked that. It gave me a lot of faith in his authenticity in session--he really was who seemed to be! I also liked seeing him interact with other people, which also made him seem more like a normal guy, rather than a special therapist dude. I was also concerned that I wouldn't know how to "be" with him outside of therapy. It actually concerned me a lot and I wasn't sure I could do it. So one day (unbeknownst to my T), I did a kind of trial run. I went outside of the office with T--we walked together to his car to get something. I jumped at the chance to do this. I realized that as I walked alongside him, he and I were just the way we always were. I knew how to "be" with him--I was just with him the way I was in his office. So I found out I was being authentic too. I guess it all sounds a little silly, but that walk to his car and how I felt while doing that convinced me I should proceed with the dual professional relationship.

I used to try to keep the roles really separate, but that wasn't such a big deal for my T. Sometimes I would say to him when I went to see him for therapy, are you my therapist today or in your other role? He always wanted to know what I meant. I just wanted to know who I was talking to--that was all. I would tell different things to my therapist than I would to the other guy. My asking him that question cued him into the fact that I wanted my therapist that day! I also liked to keep the money separate for the two roles, but he just mixed it together. I guess it was OK.

So for me, what helped us was to be sure and talk about any glitches that came up around the arrangement. Don't let them stew inside, because then they can get a lot bigger and create problems. And I tried to keep the two roles as separate as possible, which I found helpful.

Good luck. It sounds like you and your T handle it pretty well.

T and I just had this discussion last week.I was invited to a shower his wife is hosting. I felt worried. T assured me the shower was not at his home and it was my choice on whether I wanted to attend or not. He said, I was welcome in his home had the shower been there or for any future events. He said dual relationships are inevitable in towns like ours. For the record, I will not be attending the shower. And as thoughtful a response as my T gave, I do not see myself attending events at his house. I prefer not to blur the boundaries if at all possible.

My second t happened to be my pastor. He was a licensed pastoral counselor and my t during the week, and my pastor on Sunday mornings. It worked out fine. It was just the way it was.

Hey Jilliebean,

I can relate. I have a hard time with my dual relationship with my T. His wife is the Big Boss at work. He was my T first. I got the rude awakening when I got an invitation for a work party that was at T's house!

We struggled to communicate about the issue. For T, it was no big deal. We are in a small town where he is very active therefore it was nothing new to him to be in a dual relationship. I went out of my way to avoid all the places where I might run into conflicts and ended up right in the middle of one for my first go at therapy. I was angry that he didn't seem to understand or sympathize about what I was going through with the whole ordeal. I wanted massive reassurance about confidentiality issues and T wasn't too convincing, rather he seemed to be annoyed with my struggle.

We managed to make it through. I didn't go to the party at his house, but I saw him at another one and it was okay. I wasn't thrilled, I'll tell ya, but what can you do? I'm like you in that I don't want to switch Ts. He got *somewhat* more understanding after a heated discussion about it, but honestly, I don't feel like it would be comfortable to bring it up again.

It is weird to US, whether or not it is to them. I have to contemplate things that I wouldn't have contemplated until much later in therapy: his relationship with his wife, his lifestyle, his hobbies (they have come up in overheard discussions at work), even his charitable contributions! I know what his emergency was the last time he cancelled. It ends up being a lot of information you wouldn't normally have about your T.

I'm sure I will be on here during the holiday party season, lol. Maybe it will get better over time, but it is definitely an issue for me now. It's nice that you can talk to your T about your feelings about it. Count yourself lucky. Though I understand it would be a big deal to see your T on the outside week in and week out. It's hard enough seeing T's wife weekly!

I don't have this situation - it is possible that I'll run into my T at the grocery store at some point, but that's about the extent of the overlap of our worlds.

If you don't plan to change T's nor change churches, then you likely feel comfortable with your set up? In a small town/rural area, the situation you describe is not usual and not specifically unethical. The boundaries just have to be managed with care, precision. If you and your T share a deep faith commitment, then it likely improves T's understanding of your principles, the way in which you seek comfort in your faith.

Wondering why you put that "eek" face on your post?

It's just weird how things work out and he and I have talked about this several times in session. As it ended up, we live in the same small town, ended up at the same church, and I ended up being friends with a gal from a support group I went to for awhile.

Some of us gals went out for pizza after group and started taking about T's. Many of them went to the same clinic and knew of each others T's. I said "I'm sure nobody knows mine", and said his name (which is not a common name). My friend got this WEIRD look on her face and started asking me questions. Where did he grow up? Did he have a brother? etc, etc

Of course, I had no idea where he grew up or if he had a brother. Next time I saw him, I asked. Turns out, he went to high school with my friend from group and he knew her as well, although not well.

Crazy! Other things have happened, and we have decided we are just destined to have this relationship, hard as it may be sometimes.

I actually began my counseling career in churches. There are also more ministers nowdays that do have counseling skills than earlier graduates.

Whether you see your T at church or not, the issue is about whether you trust T not to talk to others about private matters brought up in session. I suspect you do, and should be able to. Having a small town would give you this opportunity to know that your T does keep your --and all patients'-- confidence.

Discussing sexual problems with a T is just like any other issue you would seek help for from T. It isn't any different from anything else that a patient needs help with, guidance and understanding, it's all the same to the T. The T focuses on how it affects you, this problem, and how to help you make it better. Whether that problem is rooted in a sexual content or not doesn't matter to the T.

And as for the connection being "in church" ... well pssst God created sex.

LOL...I know God "created" sex, but it's not often fellow churchgoers know your sexual past and present.

I totally trust him to not talk to others about it, but it's weird. My Pastor actually knows he is my therapist (long story) and called him one time because he was concerned about me. My T told me first thing at my next appointment, and even though neither mentioned my name, they both knew who they were talking about.

Honestly, at this point, I am considering changing churches. I think in the long run it would be better for everybody involved. I am on church council until January, and then I am going to seriously think about what I want to do.