[Abby]

I'm not very happy with my life.

I have been in therapy for approx 2yrs and I don't honestly feel much different than I did before I started. There is something nice about meeting up with someone regularly as it helps maintain an anchor in the wasteland that is my life...but beyond that I'm not sure what has changed. ...Perhaps my ability to express emotions has improved although I never particually felt that was an issue before, more that noone cared to listen when I spoke or misunderstood me when I did (which I attributed to not listening properly).

I feel stuck in these painful feelings and it is being echoed into my life which is also stagnant. I find it very hard to talk about this in therapy because she doesn't seem to fully comprehend. The other day I apologised for not being able to talk much and I explained the reason was because the pain was very high and I'd not spoken all day. She related by saying it must have been hard getting the energy to come to therapy but I had nothing to say in return. My life is filled with a silence so loud I cannot bear it.

I'm not sure what I can do to move forward. I'm exhausted with coping and I would like to start living my life. Everything in therapy seems to be 'complex' or 'long term' and I'm starting to believe I will always feel this hallow.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I feel stuck in these painful feelings and it is being echoed into my life which is also stagnant.

I find it very hard to talk about this in therapy because she doesn't seem to fully comprehend.

So when you share your feelings she doesn't understand or you aren't able to share your feelings?

(((((((((((((((Abby))))))))))))))

Can you print your post and bring it to T? Or e-mail it to her?

You express really clearly what a difficult place you're in. Sometimes it's easier to communicate it in writing.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Sometimes it really does feel like the pain is just going to drag on FOREVER.

[Melbadaze]

abby, real cahnge, the type worth having, takes a long while...there were times I felt stuck and fortunately my T had the insight/knowledge/expereince to lead me on, to tellme she didn't feel I was stuck, she felt I was actually working through whatever he issue was at e time...I've been with her since sept 04 and what kept me going forward was the underneath belief in the process and in her abilty to lead me hrough when I felt blind...I guess unless someone is in your therapy with you its very hard to say what would be right for you...but if you don't have that gut level belief in the process or your T's abilty then perhaps your silence is how you are trying to explain that? Idk, but if all that is in place then yes smetimes going foward sometimes is more about spiralling deeper into yourself which feels at times like stuckness????

[Abby]

I feel she doesn't truly understand how it feels being stuck and trapped.

I think I may try and gather together a few words together to try and explain how tough things are and hope that it helps. I'm not holding my breath.

I trust my therapist but whether I believe she knows exactly what she is doing is a different matter. In the past when I've brought up the need to feel as though i'm moving forward and asked how long I'm likely to continue she has simply told me it's complicated and she can't predict but mentioned that I have changed since starting. I am willing to do what needs to be done to move forward...but I need to start seeing some concrete payback from it all because I am getting demoralised.

I'm exhausted from dreading water.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I feel she doesn't truly understand how it feels being stuck and trapped.

I'm confused why this is important? My healing was centered around understanding myself, untangling my problems and problem solving my issues. I used my therapists as resources to untangle and understand myself and to teach me what was normal.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm confused why this is important? My healing was centered around understanding myself, untangling my problems and problem solving my issues. I used my therapists as resources to untangle and understand myself and to teach me what was normal.

It is important to me because I am exhausted from being alone.

[jazzy123456]

not trying to be rude here....but have u ever considered a new therapist? I'm not suggesting that the other one is bad either. ...i assume you feel very comfortable with the one you have because you have stayed with her so very long...but, sometimes a change...can make a huge difference,....hearing a different voice...a different person share there insights with you. i do identify with what i feel sounds like a lot of hopelessness and I hope you have given yourself the chance to reach out to other resources and relationships outside of therapy, as one person is usually not enough for a person to enter into healing...yes, it helps but, healing IS complex and taking care of ourselves...emotionally...physically or spiritually is just as important as our one hour or longer...sessions. just my input and insight..hope it wasn't toooo straightforward....good luck to you abby. i understand how important it is for us to move forward...i struggle every day with it...so hopefully you recognize your human and being gentle with yourself!

[Sannah]

So for you to not feel alone you need someone to truly understand your inner experience? This is another person stepping into your world but you can also join her by stepping out of your world.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Abby

It is important to me because I am exhausted from being alone.

Yes I understand where your coming from...hopefully you can tell your T how you are feeling alone in the journey with her...perhaps she can help you with that some more or perhaps its out she doesnt have the ablity? I think though some of our feelings that arise are transference, our bringing our abandoments from the past into the therapy relationship but if you talk about it and still there is no movement eventually in this area then perhaps it is the lack of skill on the therapist behalf..

[Abby]

Jazzy, it isn't rude what you said. It is good to get different perspectives I agree. I think I do need to reach out, unfortunately that is where my difficulties lie. But I do need to keep trying.

Sannah, I understand what you said. In fact it was quite profound. Without getting into details because it isn't appropriate on this sub-forum, I would be scared that stepping out would mean destroying myself. I understand completely that is not what you meant, you mean stepping out in faith, trust and love towards someone else and remaining intact...and I would love to do that, and maybe one day I will....what I need is the ability to step in the direction of doing that instead of staying stuck. How do I do that?

Melbadaze, I spoke to my T today about feeling stuck and wanting to run away in order to feel less stuck, and she made some hard to hear comments about why I likely feel the way I do. She was right too, I need to stay and go through it rather than running away...I know she's right about that but I feel ?? despair about how alone I feel. I feel I've tried hard, I've turned up at times to therapy when my instinct was to disappear. When does it start to feel as though the fight is making a difference? Can feelings of abandonment ever be healed or will there always be an empty feeling that is too painful that it must be ran away from? ...I should ask my therapist this shouldn't I...sorry.

[Melbadaze]

abby, sounds like your half way through the feelings...by keeping turning up and seeing a pernanent figure still there you are healing the wound though whilst in them it all feels so hopeless and lonely, but thats an emotional flashback I suspect from what you sa here...and perhaps your needing to feel all of these even the loneliness because your T is there..your finally dealing with it...sounds to me....sounds familiar to what I've been through many times each time emerging wiser and stronger....keep us updated I love seeing how therapy works...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I would be scared that stepping out would mean destroying myself.

Hmmmm, would love to hear more about this.......

Originally Posted by Abby

Can feelings of abandonment ever be healed or will there always be an empty feeling that is too painful that it must be ran away from?

Do you understand where these feelings have come from?

[Abby]

Melbadaze, what you suggest sounds likely and is really good to hear that you have had similar, or at least that you recognise, this experience. I think the slowness of it all frustrates me but then I also know that when we go 'too fast' it is too scary...it such a horrid balance to try and maintain. I'm less frustrated than I was last week though about it all which is good though! Thanks for your advice and care.

Sannah i can't understand where these feelings come from but I'm unsure how much it matters to be able to understand that, because what I really want is to move forward and leave these feelings behind me. I think if things are 'complicated' like my T says its possible I'll never know...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

Sannah i can't understand where these feelings come from but I'm unsure how much it matters to be able to understand that, because what I really want is to move forward and leave these feelings behind me. I think if things are 'complicated' like my T says its possible I'll never know...

When I was first in therapy I didn't understand where anything came from for me. But as I kept working I pieced everything together. Sometimes we just don't want to know too. From our earlier conversations I know that at this time there are places you just don't want to go for now.

[seventyeight]

hi abby,

maybe that's what you needed to learn thus far:

I'm not very happy with my life.

along with learing to "express your emotions," i'd say that's definitely progress. sometimes we have to figure out what we don't want (or in this case, are unhappy with) before we can move forward.

you won't always feel this way. you are moving forward. i'm sure it's hard to see that right now, but you're doing it. just keep going..

Originally Posted by Sannah

So for you to not feel alone you need someone to truly understand your inner experience? This is another person stepping into your world but you can also join her by stepping out of your world.

This is a very deep one! I once had a person tell me this: " I know you are in a storm right now, but if you will take a moment to step out of your storm, you will see there are other storms going on all around you."

At first, I did not get that at all. It kinda made me mad. As if he were trying to downplay my storm, because others were having storms as well.

I think what he was trying to say is: "Stop beating yourself up because you are going through this. Don't think that God does not care about you. If you will look around, you will see that others are just like you. They are struggling, afraid, unsure, and feel all alone. It is okay for you to feel the way you do."