I just saw my therapist on Monday. I promised myself that I would NOT send her any emails this week. Well, I broke that promise. Things just got to be too much for me, and I sent her a long email today.

I was pleasantly surprised that she emailed me back within just a few hours. I always tell her how bad I feel when I send her emails like that. I beat myself up a lot about it. This was part of her reply: "You are not driving me crazy, stepping over boundaries, or bothering me, or whatever you may tell yourself."

So why do I feel like a titty baby for sending her such emotional emails? I mean, she is telling me that it is okay. I told her that I needed to see her earlier than our next scheduled appoinment. I was trying to go every 10 days, instead of every two weeks. Well, I don't think I can wait 10 days this time! She was very open to schedule me for an earlier appointment.

What I need help from you guys is this. She gave me some questions to ponder and journal about: "Why do I not like myself? Where does the self-loathing come from? Why do I not feel I deserve forgiveness?'

Since I had some SI issues last week, I am sure that is where part of these questions come from. She keeps telling me that I need to forgive myself. But I don't know what I need to forgive myself for! She says that I am too hard on myself. I blame myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life.

She asked, "Why can't you look at yourself in the mirror with out crying? There is a reason behind those tears."

I am sure that many of you have gone through these same issues and emotions. I am totally blank as to how to journal about these topics. I don't know why I don't like myself, or why I fall into self loathing. I sure don't know what it is that I need to forgive myself for.

Is anyone out there who can help me get some direction on this?

[ballet_girl]

hmmm. I'm not sure that I have a good answer for you because I can name 1983746 reasons that don't like myself. But what helps me really understand and put a name to it is journaling. Like I will start off writing about one thing that I feel guilty about and then 'its like the time that this other thing happened' and things just go from there. Maybe if it doesn't come as easily for you, you could just start with a list of things that you feel guilty, angry, sad, etc about?

[Melbadaze]

my daughter was looking for a folder for college, she found one in my room and asked if I needed it? i looked at it and didn't recognise and took it of her and opened it. inside was written work and journals I had to do 8yrs ago when I was in treatment. You know reading it I didn't have any emotional investment in what Id written, similar stuff to what you've been asked to write, it felt like stereotypical ramblings stating how I felt, I just didn't have the emotional abilty at that stage to really have any insight or understanding into myself...I find myself using different language when I now think about things I may feel about myslef...its only as I have discovered myslef many times over during my 6yrs of therapy do i have answers to some of those questions, though written questions at times only allow for limited answers, they proberbly are a startinf point for learning to focus on our inner worlds, like you have asked here is an example of how you fell the answer to who you are is in the hands of others, which I use to do, mainly because I wasn't allowed to "be" in my family growing up so I lived for how others were and never got to know me or grow a healthy selfrespect...talking and talking over the yrs your answers will change, your idea of who you are will change and one day your be able to author your own questions...

[WePow]

My heart goes out to you. It is very hard when the internal hate is there. Esp when we don't know where it came from anyway! The SI can for certain happen due to that internal hatred. (((uggg)))

What I am still doing around all this - something which may help you out- is to have a special journal or place in your journal to write down what is in your mind when the urges are there. After a while, you will start to see patterns. For example, my facial SI comes from very early childhood and being called by my brother and other boys my age "Ugly duckling" ... but also others saying small things like that as I was growing older - things to reinforce that. I didn't even realize those comments were at the root of the SI in that area until after I started just jotting down the emotion and random words when the urge was there! I was SHOCKED to see the pattern and then realize what it was because I felt that I had a very good sense of self and was stable about my looks. All of that only came up when I was triggered. Strangely, the trigger could be someone saying "You really look nice today!" My mind would say "Today!! Oh well see! I am an ugly duck the rest of the time!!!!" That would lead to the downward spiral and the SI.

Also on that list, write what happened that day that you remember - just notes. You may not see the trigger until after you are safe again. But by jotting it down, you can later look back and see those things. Trust me on this one, it may make no sense at all when you first start keeping these kind of records. But it will help you understand yourself much better. Most of the self hate comes from some very deeply wounded places. Good news is, once we can see those soul splinters, we CAN have T help us remove them!!

[sugahorse1]

I have so many underlying emotions that I can really not account for. But, when I start compiling my weekly mail to my T, I find I battle to stop. It's almost like it's not me writing. I manage to scrape some really emotional and deep issues; things I never realised were there. It's scary, but easier once I've pressed the 'send' button and know I've shared, and that some of these issues will be addressed in the next session.
I find that as I start writing, the answers come to me, and patterns do emerge. It's like a puzzle where the pieces all start coming together.

Just try writing about what you're feeling now, and you'll marvel at where you find your pen taking you!

Off-hand I could not answer the question about self-hate; and it's something I also battle with somewhat.

[elliemay]

I think it is interesting that you brought up a mirror, because I was just thinking about reflection. I think the reason so many of us don't like ourselves is that we have very rarely had the good in us reflected back at us.

If you look outside yourself and all you see is bad coming back, then, as social creatures, we begin to incorporate that image of us. When someone begins to reflect back the good that is in us, it's like "wow!".

It's hard to accept or understand because that positive reflection begins to change the way we see ourselves, and have seen ourselves for years.

It would be nice if we could innately develop an inner sense of goodness, but I think in the absence of external reinforcement, it's too easy for that sense to wither and die.

[Sannah]

Squiggle, did you have high standards that you were expected to meet and you never felt good enough anyway no matter what you did?

[SpiritRunner]

this question really gets at the heart of the matter for me. simply put, I don't like myself because it is part of what I learned growing up.....the good rarely outweighed the bad, there was not a balance - it was far more negative. my parents, particularly my dad, did not like themselves - so how could I learn much from them about liking myself, how could they teach me?
I learned to think that I was bad and shouldn't like myself too well....it's hard to see what there is to like in myself because I'm much too accustomed to seeing/focusing on the negative.
also, I suppose expectations/standards were set pretty high too - and here I'm not just talking in the natural sense, but religiously, too, as I grew up in a strict fundamental Christian church - the spiritual standards are quite high. much emphasis on things like denying self/flesh, no good thing dwells in the flesh etc. I'm not meaning to say anything for/against this here or get too much into it......but what I am meaning to say is that this is something that is very deeply meshed with the question of why I, personally, do not like myself.....it is simply hard for me to like myself very well in either the natural or the spiritual sense. I'm struggling to find the balance....

[Sweetlove]

I'm trying to figure this out in therapy as well. My T thinks that every time I SI, I am punishing myself for something. Something is my fault and I hate myself for it. I never looked at it that way before, but now I see that most times (not every time) I think about it or do it, I am punishing myself for something. I can't figure out the whole reason I hate myself...but some of it is that I have absolutly no self-confidece or self-worth. I can relate to the "mirror horror" because I cry almost every time I see myself.

I guess the first thing I would start with is when you think you first started to feel like this. Then, try to write when you are feeling those emotions, trying to get everything written in the moment. Hope this helps...good luck!

[Perna]

I think when we're not centered, not connected to all parts of ourself, we feel shame when one part says X and another part says, "No, Y!". You decided not to email T and then you emailed T. You need to forgive yourself for wanting/needing/doing/emailing T and breaking your word to yourself. It's all you and you're allowed to think/feel whatever you think/feel. When you decided not to email this week, you did not break your promise! The conditions changed! You did not email until the conditions changed. Sorry, you can't predict the future and what's going to happen and how you'll feel about it then; the rest of us can

I suspect that somewhere, someone important to you held something against you and you learned that pattern. One thing that helps me grow is to understand that a lot of my emotional difficulties are just learned patterns and, over time, I can learn new ones. I imagine myself in a school and know that I was better at English and History than Math or Science, say. So, learning one type of lesson was easier and quicker than another but, eventually I learned all I wanted/needed to?

Too, another problem I would have from reading your post is the part about "why do I feel like a titty baby" as if feeling that way is bad/wrong/shameful. Thinking that how I actually feel is a "wrong" feeling (as if it were possible to have a wrong feeling; feelings just are, they're not connected to right/wrong/good/bad, they're information, not judgments of our character!) just compounds the original problem of beating yourself up in the first place.

I would start with accepting your feelings, not interpreting them. It seems you go off the track after the, "things just got to be too much for me." Just stop there, don't put a judgment on it, that's how it was. Things were too much for you. That doesn't make you weak/strong, just human. Sometimes things get to be too much for everyone. No one can do it on their own, not you, not T, not whatever adult told you you were weak/a titty little baby for feeling the way you feel.

Some really sage thoughts have been expressed in this thread................

for me, I have to get to know me better before the self hatred comes in.

It's taken more than half a century for me to realize and get to know myself before I can get on with life.

This time; I am going to live for me, and not for others. I'm coming out at last.

Thanks for this thread--it really hits home for me..........Be well--theo

[sugahorse1]

Just today in session we touched on the fact that I need to learn to love myself. Accept myself for who I am.
I have this picture of a perfect human being in my mind, who has it all together, is stable and happy... And that's kind of where I strive to get to. So I am hard on myself. T then pointed out that none of us are robots - we cannot hope to be perfect. And that wouldn't even make us human. Humans have 'flaws' - they are what make us unique and give us character. We need to learn to embrace our uniqueness.
It's not going to be easy to change that mindset.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Not meaning to hijack, but I just thought I would put in a word here

when I first saw the title of this thread I couldn't help connecting it with Squiggle's list of questions, which included these:
Do you want to be T's favorite client?
Do you believe that you are T's favorite client?

I didn't run the numbers, but it seemed that answers to the first question were overwhelmingly yes, and to the second, overwhelmingly no.
I thought that was very interesting, and wondered about it. It seems that as a group we don't like ourselves; why not?

[Sannah]

Suga, so it is like you will love yourself when you are perfect and not a minute before?

[SpiritRunner]

Today my T gave me this card that says this:
Today I will tell myself that I am lovable. Just because some people haven't been able to love me in ways that worked doesn't mean that I'm unlovable. I've had lessons to learn, and some of them have hurt me deeply, but I can still love, and I still am loved. ----

I have this thing in me that says I am too flawed to be loved too much....that people may start out loving me, loving who they think I am or what they think they see on the surface, but if/when the underneath is more visible, how could anyone love me? And since I see, and I live in, the underneath, I find it so hard to love me, just as I am....the dirt and the gold together....or to believe that there is gold in there at all! And I'm not only not loving myself as I am, but not thinking others are able to do it either....when in fact, perhaps they can do that much more than I even begin to understand!

[sittingatwatersedge]

thanks Pgirl, this is almost impossible for me to comprehend concerning myself. Why I don't know, I guess I will know some day. to all

[missbelle]

I think for years I hated myself. It was only when I grew older that I began to appreciate me. Some of this I know came from parents who wanted too much from me. The wanted more then I could deliver. I had always felt that they brought home the wrong baby from the hospital as I was not like either of them. They would call me nuts, or stupid when I presented them with a new idea or thought. I was a child of the '60's and of course at that time a lot was going on then. I was never into drugs but firmly believed in free thinking, and standing up to authority, and rules that made no sense. I was just not my parents child!
I , as I aged, saw a stong woman in myself. The more I accomplished, the stonger emotionally I became. It was a process and a long one... as they say " a day at a time.'. I don't think this growth can be rushed either especially when you start from ground zero. Baby steps...and one foot in front of the other and your instinct....I wish I had used that more to keep me out of situations I got into. Those red flags you know!! They really are there if we trust our gut!!

You will survive and grow and one day that person in the mirror won't look half bad!!
We all come to this web site for a reason...to grow; to help; to connect.
Hugs;
Dee

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

thanks Pgirl, this is almost impossible for me to comprehend concerning myself. Why I don't know, I guess I will know some day. to all

It feels next to impossible to me most of the time, too....today I'm in a good enough place I can just about believe it, that maybe I am at least a bit lovable, really and truly, faults, flaws, wounds and all! If I can hold on to it tomorrow and the next day, well, it will be a wonder.....but if I can begin by believing it's not impossible that I am lovable/can be loved/can even learn how to love myself, why then, maybe bit by bit it becomes more possible!
You say 'almost impossible' Sawe .... maybe there's something in you at least that doesn't think it's totally impossible....therefore maybe it is more possible than you think! (yep, I know my logic is sort of odd! )

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

It seems that as a group we don't like ourselves; why not?

How often were we told as children that we should? How much did our caregivers like themselves, so they could like others?

[Sannah]

Yeah, you like yourself when you are valued while growing up. We all had dysfunctional parents who were not able to show us that they valued us.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

It seems that as a group we don't like ourselves; why not?

As for me, I have two totally different opinions of myself. One part thinks (knows) that I am a professional, very good at my job, highly favored by my boss, great with my students, goal oriented, proficient, organized, outgoing, fun, creative, friendly, loved by many, spiritual, and a great person all around.

The flip side tells me that I am not a good wife, I am not a good caregiver, I am not the best I can be, I am disappointed in how I look, Nobody likes me, Nobody really loves me, I am falling apart at the seams trying to hold it all together, and I just want out of this!

I am not sure how much bipolar plays in this, but I have complete opposite views of myself. The problem is that I (we) tend to dwell on what we are 'not' and don't pay enough attention to what we 'are'.

I don't know that I can blame my parents for any of this. I know that many on here believe that these type of issues go back to those early years in childhood. For me, that is not the case. These issues came up for me in my late teens, early twenties.

As a parent, I sure hope that my children won't be in therapy talking about how I messed them up by not being this, or that. I did the best I knew to do when raising them. I hope that I did a good job and helped them to become confident, professional, happy, and successful adults. I know that I had issues while raising them, but I pray that the good in me far outweighed any negative things I may have done.

[sugahorse1]

Sannah - I'm not sure. It's not that I really dislike myself; I am striving to be something I cannot expect myself to achieve, and my lack of achievement is making me upset.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I am striving to be something I cannot expect myself to achieve, and my lack of achievement is making me upset.

Wow, that is a high standard, especially when it upsets you. Why do you think that you do this?

[rainbow8]

Sannah, it bothers me when you say we "all had dysfunctional parents who could not show us that they valued us." I know you think my Mom's anxiety caused my problems, but my parents valued me and I'm sure other people's parents on PC valued them too. We all do not have the exact same problems here.

I also have problems liking/loving myself in spite of being complimented by
my parents for many behaviors and talents. I KNOW I was loved without a doubt in my mind. I grew up not having confidence in my abilities, and today feeling like a failure in some areas. My parents may have goofed somewhere, but I know they valued me and loved me.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I also have problems liking/loving myself in spite of being complimented by my parents for many behaviors and talents. I KNOW I was loved without a doubt in my mind. I grew up not having confidence in my abilities, and today feeling like a failure in some areas. My parents may have goofed somewhere, but I know they valued me and loved me.

I think knowing our parents valued/loved us is not the same as their being able to teach us to love/value ourselves. I think, rainbow, that part of the reason you and I grew up anxious is because our mother's "taught" us their anxiety. That's what we saw/learned. Fortunately, because it is learned, we can learn other behaviors that are more comfortable/helpful to us now.

I knew I was loved but I don't think my stepmother loved/valued herself very well. I had a split lesson on that, fortunately some of my very early life gave me lessons on valuing myself so I knew there was such a thing when it came time to work on that in therapy.