[deliquesce]

*trigger warning for passing mentions of sa*. so sorry for the long post, especially after being away all this time.

austin-t can only see me next week, and i forgot to make an appt with pdoc so i can't touch base with him right now either. of course, i could call pdoc, but it's more a session-length discussion so it wouldn't be fair... turning to you guys for support and advice instead .

some of you might recall my stupid on/off friends-with-benefits thing i had going last year, with a guy i really liked, but who never liked me as more than a friend. actually, it was kind of going to continue this year but yesterday he showed up with a girlfriend (which kind of made me pretty upset - we'd planned to hang out last week, and then he didn't show up, and it turns out he hooked up with this girl). um anyway. i'm kind of ok with the whole situation (not really, but i get that he doesn't like me) but in a fit of idiocy i sent him a txt later that night asking if we could hang out this week some time just to talk, because i've been pretty down and i really do need a friend.

i'm back at my parents' place for a while. my family are overseas for 2 weeks and someone needs to look after the dogs, because one of them hurt her eye & if i dont give her medicine all the time she might go blind etc. i didnt think it was going to be a problem, but i really hate being back here. this place fills me with shame - there aren't many good memories in any of the rooms, and the bad stuff conjurs up quite easily.

i want to tell someone, because im dying a little bit here. out of all of my friends, A would probably be the least surprised, because i did freak out on him a few times last year and i'm hoping he put two and two together. and another part of me wants to tell him because im scared i'm losing him (even as a friend) - that now he's out of uni he won't bother to keep in touch, i'm just going to be that girl who was available. i feel cheap, because he only met this new girl 2 weeks ago & she's leaving in a month, and he's been so affectionate with her whereas with us it was all a secret. i dont know what i did wrong - obviously we are friends, so it's not like he didn't like me - but all of this is playing into the loop that's been triggered by living back at home. it's the 15th of Feb today, this time last year was when dad last came into my room. another secret.

i want to tell A because a part of me is hopeful that if i explain things he might understand what was going on last year and maybe 'forgive' me from his point of view. i dont want to get with him again (haha, maybe partly) but im more concerned about losing him as a friend altogether. i kind of assume he partly knows why i freak out, but at the same time he's made some comments which make me think he's made other assumptions about my values, so i kind of want to clear that up a bit. this is the part of deli who really wants A to care about her and give her a hug. but i also tell myself that he was so angry with me last year that who am i kidding, he probably wont care even now.

which leads me to: if we're not going to be friends anymore then maybe i can disclose, because i certainly dont have anything to lose. pdoc and austin-t keep painting this rosey picture of when x happens, y will follow but a part of me really doesn't trust them at all. i actually do trust A - he's always been genuine with me when i've asked him things directly - so maybe i could ask him all the questions i want to ask someone, and don't trust pdoc/austin-t to answer truthfully. and it's possible pdoc/austin-t aren't lying; it's just that i think how-things-are-done change from generation to generation, and someone in their mid-40s doesn't really get the climate of mid-20s anymore.

anyway, i'm pretty sure all my wet blanketness will drive A away anyhow, but i'm just confused about whether this is a good idea at all. i was thinking about disclosing anyway for the past few months (but not really in any detail), and i definitely wanted to disclose last week when we were meant to catch up, but his now having a girlfriend kind of makes me uneasy. and i do worry that it's a large load to dump on someone who i'm not even sure where i stand with. pdoc and austin-t are the only 2 people in the world who know, and here i am telling someone who is sometimes almost a stranger. it's almost like inappropriate disclosure, other than we have been emotionally intimate before - but kind of never in a supportive way. i have no clue. could do with some feedback, i guess. i've been feeling pretty bloody low these past few weeks, and i keep digging myself further into a hole and its all over relationship (friends, acquaintences, romantic interests everything) stuff and i cant keep doing this to myself, but i dont know how im meant to fix it either .

[WePow]

wow. That sounds tough. I am not really sure what I would do if I were you.
I think the best thing is to just be honest about how you feel - with everyone.
You have a right to find your own peace. The only way to get out of a hole is to first stop digging. :-)

TONS of hugs for you!!!!

[deliquesce]

thanks, wepow. i do want to disclose because i think it would bring about a sense of closure with A, but i also worry about making some huge social blunder with this. i'm pretty nonchalant when people disclose things to me, but i know a few of my friends would think that disclosures are grossly inappropriate and be more upset that i put them in that situation than about what i was actually saying. i'm not sure if that's how most people feel, and i certainly don't want to put A in a situation he's going to resent.

[ladyjrnlist]

Wow. You've been through a lot. You should try to talk to T about this and work through it if possible. Hugs.

[elliemay]

Good for you for wanting to talk. I don't know about this particular person however. Perhaps some more thoughtful reflection on this for a little while?

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

thanks, wepow. i do want to disclose because i think it would bring about a sense of closure with A, but i also worry about making some huge social blunder with this. i'm pretty nonchalant when people disclose things to me, but i know a few of my friends would think that disclosures are grossly inappropriate and be more upset that i put them in that situation than about what i was actually saying. i'm not sure if that's how most people feel, and i certainly don't want to put A in a situation he's going to resent.

Hello dear friend, Deli!!! Its nice to see you posting again, I've missed you.
#1: I think it is AWESOME that you are at a place where you feel like you can disclose more about your past. That shows tremendous progress. So, kudos to you.
# 2: The only thing that worries me about this, is what is your intention in telling him? Why are you afraid you will lose him as a friend, just because he has a girlfriend now? I don't want you to feel like you need to disclose this big thing just because you think it will seal some emotional bond. If he is a good friend, he should still be one, even with a gf/moving out of college.
#3: If you want to tell him just because you have felt like you've reached a place of safety and trust with him, and it feels like a natural, next thing to do, that is a little different. Personally, I don't see why you need to explain yourself for what happened with him. That should NOT be a reason to disclose.
#4: I worry that you being home (grrr!!! but at least your family isn't there) is intensifying all of your worry for losing a friend (and is this rational/logical?), which is propelling you to disclose.
#5: From what I remember, he does have inklings that your family are a bunch of s***bags, and seemed compassionate. I wouldn't worry about it being "too much," because if he is a good friend, this will only help him understand you better, and hopefully bring more trust in the relationship.

I just hope you really think about WHY you want to do this, because it isn't seemingly as "straightforward" as telling your best girl friend. There are romantic feelings involved, even if it was awhile ago. That could get sticky, but also, you should only want to tell him because that feels right to you. Because its sort of the next step in your friendship, and you feel comfortable enough to know he isn't going to go running for the hills. Like I said, true friends wouldn't do that.

If a friend told me about a past like yours, I probably would have known something was wrong, because you can't hide things that big. But, I know the details would be what I didn't know, and a good friend should just listen. Let you talk, get it out, and listen. Probably get VERY angry for you. I would cry and hug you and never want to let you go. Thats just me

I am rambling, and not helping much am I? I guess I want to make sure you really truly think about the reasons behind this. If it feels right to you, deep down, then try it. Maybe not while you are at your parents house, because you are being triggered and in a different emotional state than you are at school. Have you talked to Pdoc or austin-T about this? If you can wait, I would see what they say too.

Either way, we are ALWAYS here for you.

[Sweetlove]

I don't have any good advice except that I think you should talk this over with your T first. It's a big decision and I don't want you to regret it after it's out there in the open.

Do whatever YOU feel is right, this is for you...no one else. Good luck with whatever you choose

[rainbow8]

((((((Deli))))))

It's nice to see you posting again though I'm sorry it's because of this conflict going on with you. I hesitated to post because I'm not sure what I think you should do, but after reading what velcro wrote, I am feeling an uh-oh feeling about your disclosing to A at this time. Something doesn't seem right about it, and I am not sure if doing it would get you into a mess of more confused feelings, especially since you're at your parents' house now. It seems more appropriate to tell a T, not a friend. Especially not a guy friend because I don't think they're as empathetic as women friends. I know that's a generalization, but I think it's true.

Of course it's YOUR decision, not any of ours here, and it may be that it's something you need to do, and will work out great for you. Too bad we don't have a crystal ball! I wish you luck, and hope that you feel better about all this soon! You said you can see austin-t next week; that's not so far away. Can you call either of them and tell them about being triggered being at your parents' house? Maybe that's the top priority right now.

I'm glad to hear you've still got austin-t and pdoc for support!

[googley]

((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))

My Friend.

I've missed seeing you around. I am happy to hear that you are working with Pdoc and Austin-T still. I'm sorry you are not able to get in touch with them, but I am glad that you reached out here.

About you living at your parent's house. Could you take the dog(s) to your place and take care of them there so that you are not re-triggered by being there? Do you have any friends who could come over and sleep at the house with you so that you wouldn't be alone? I'm worried about you staying there. If you say that you are going to be fine, I will believe you, but just know that my thoughts are there with you.

As to taking to this friend, if I remember right, when you were hanging out with him before he seemed sensitive to your issues, like he kind of knew what was going on even without you telling him. Did I remember that right? If so, then the information you were sharing would not be all new to him.

I think you need to figure out what your motives are for telling him. Is it that you want to be closer to him and believe that he will understand, is it because you think that he wont leave you if you tell him, or that he will leave you. Are you wanting to try out Austin-Ts and Pdocs advice that sharing the information wont be as bad as you think and he seems like a good person to try with? There are so many reasons, and it doesn't have to be just one reason.

The other thing to think about is, what would be his possible reactions. Are you ready to received any of the reactions that he might have. If he shows concern for you, are you ready for that? If he rejects you, are you ready for that? All of these things are part of deciding whether to tell him.

It sounds like you are ready to tell someone besides Austin-T and Pdoc and it is pushing at you. Is this the case? If so, you might feel like your time line is fast. If not, maybe you can hang out this weekend and see how it goes schedule another time to hang out (it sounds like the girlfriend is going to be gone in a month), talk to Pdoc and Austin-T and then make a decision after that.

Remember that you can't take back anything you have said, but you can always put off telling something until you are sure about it.

Please take gentle care of yourself. I care about you so much.

[deliquesce]

thank you all so much for your wonderful, thoughtful replies . (i'm sorry i havent replied to everyone individually - i think i rambled enough in my reply to velcro & covered mostly everything. i DO really appreciate all of your thoughts and advice, though. if anyone has anything to add, i'd really appreciate it too - i guess i need people to bounce this around with).

Originally Posted by velcro003

Hello dear friend, Deli!!! Its nice to see you posting again, I've missed you.
#1: I think it is AWESOME that you are at a place where you feel like you can disclose more about your past. That shows tremendous progress. So, kudos to you.

i've missed you too, ((((velcro)))). we need to catch up properly . thanks for the affirmation of progress - i really needed to hear that, because i haven't been feeling like i've been moving forward with this at all recently. but you're right: i would NEVER had dreamt of telling anyone a year ago, would have been soooo afraid of the consequences, but right now it kind of feels like something i could do, and cope with ok.

# 2: The only thing that worries me about this, is what is your intention in telling him? Why are you afraid you will lose him as a friend, just because he has a girlfriend now? I don't want you to feel like you need to disclose this big thing just because you think it will seal some emotional bond. If he is a good friend, he should still be one, even with a gf/moving out of college.

i AM worried that i'm doing this partly out of wanting to seal an emotional bond. that disturbs me, a lot - i don't want him to be my friend out of pity; i'm concerned that this is what it might come across as (and maybe also is). a "don't leave me; i need protection" type thing. gross.

it's difficult for me to separate out, because i've been falling into victim mentality recently. it's hard for me to cope with, because i've always done the survivor thing (probably more through sheer denial) but being a "victim" and feeling fragile and needy is abhorrent to me. i'm worried this is coming from that place.

with the losing a friend thing - i've been worried about this, even before the girlfriend came along. to be honest, i dont think the girlfriend is anything serious - she's a backpacker, i think he's just being opportunistic while she's around. the concern for me is probably more that our relationship has always been a bit one-sided; i've been the one who's had to make the effort to keep in touch. sometimes i've felt like i'm almost a "convenience" friend to him - if it happens to be easy for him to catch up with me, he will, but just as often if something better comes up he'll flake. the only times he's really put any effort into seeing me have been when he's wanted something specific (help with uni work, staying over etc). i was ok with this last year because he was at uni and super stressed with his workload, but i expect my friendships to be reciprocal and i'm not ok with continuing to be his convenience plan. so a part of this is also recognising that he's moving on because it'll be even less convenient for us to catch up this year, and me being a bit opportunistic in "well, if i'm losing him anyway then i have nothing to lose by telling him; and it might give me some closure".

[quote[#3: If you want to tell him just because you have felt like you've reached a place of safety and trust with him, and it feels like a natural, next thing to do, that is a little different. Personally, I don't see why you need to explain yourself for what happened with him. That should NOT be a reason to disclose.[/quote]
i wanted to tell him last year/beginning of this year because we still had our blurry on/off thing going, and it did feel like it was time for me to make some sort of explanation. the girlfriend thing is a good signal that out thing is completely off, so that whole "please be patient with me" reason is no longer relevant. i kind of still do want to explain though, just because i do think it drove a bit of a wedge between us last year. i think he did partly guess at my reasons for freaking out, but then he's also said other stuff which makes me think maybe he was just coming up with any reason he could think of. e.g., i'm a major traditionalist (wait until marriage type), which certainly isn't the case. i think he really did get hurt and frustrated with me last year, because he didnt understand what was going on and just thought i was toying with him. but i really do value his friendship, and if all that other stuff is over, maybe this disclosure would help clear the air? it's like, even though i know i don't need to be "forgiven", i think in his mind he probably does need to let go some of that resentment towards me.

#4: I worry that you being home (grrr!!! but at least your family isn't there) is intensifying all of your worry for losing a friend (and is this rational/logical?), which is propelling you to disclose.

yes, and no. i had kind of intended to tell him when we were meant to hang out last time (before i'd moved back home). so while being back home definitely intensifies things, this isn't something that's come out of the blue. but i guess it's more relevant now, because i really DO want support for being at home right now. it's messing me over and i need someone to vent to, or who can just give me a hug. i'm just feeling really yuck and vulnerable being back here. if i'd told him last week (before i was at home), there wouldn't have been the vulnerability element - the disclosure would have been more focussed on making amends in our relationship, but right now there is an element of "i just need help".

i know the needing help thing is something that pdoc and austin-t are there for. but im also kind of reluctant to go there with them - i dont problem solving, pep talks etc. i just want someone who's going to say "that's ****" and just acknowledge that i'm having a hard time. the other thing is that i don't want to be reliant on pdoc/austin-t forever. my goal is to eventually have my needs met by people other than professionals, and if i don't take chances now then i'm not giving myself the opportunity to test the waters with real life people while i've still got pdoc/austin-t as a safety net. A is someone who i trust, but also someone who isn't a big risk because i am probably losing him as a friend right now anyway. i think the more scary option for me would be telling someone who i KNOW is going to stick around. i'm actually more worried about negotiating our relationship in the future if he does continue to be my friend. it's an added complication that i'm not sure i know how to deal with.

I am rambling, and not helping much am I? I guess I want to make sure you really truly think about the reasons behind this. If it feels right to you, deep down, then try it. Maybe not while you are at your parents house, because you are being triggered and in a different emotional state than you are at school. Have you talked to Pdoc or austin-T about this? If you can wait, I would see what they say too.

Either way, we are ALWAYS here for you.

not rambling at all, sweetie. i found your response dead-on helpful, especially with the questions you brought up. we're meeting up tomorrow in a park - i never invited anyone back to this house even while i was living here, so i'm not starting now - so at least we'll be somewhere neutral. it's probably better to be doing it somewhere other than my place too, because i was a bit worried last week that he would have come over with other intentions, and then tried to pull a move anyway (which would have made me feel like dirt).

i talked about this with pdoc last year and he seemed to think it was a good idea. of course the situation has changed now and im thinking about a full disclosure, not just a "bad things happened" type (though, of course, i'll start of general and play it by ear). i guess i really want to do this, and i know some of my reasons are good, but it's the slightly-off reasons which make me uncomfortable. if i focus on myself completely, then this is something i want to do because i think it'd help me move forward. i want to ask him stuff that i could only ask him (opposed to our other friends) because of our history. e.g., if he actually had liked me, but i kept freaking out, if it would have been a deal breaker for the relationship to continue. i guess it's the relationship-mending reason that is murky waters as a reason to disclose. but if i let go of my expectation/hopes of how it will affect our friendship, and just focus on me moving forward with my own issues, i think it really is a good idea.

Originally Posted by googley

About you living at your parent's house. Could you take the dog(s) to your place and take care of them there so that you are not re-triggered by being there? Do you have any friends who could come over and sleep at the house with you so that you wouldn't be alone? I'm worried about you staying there. If you say that you are going to be fine, I will believe you, but just know that my thoughts are there with you.

this is a good idea, googley but sadly one i dont think would work because of logistics. my new place doesnt allow pets (strata laws), and i'm too ashamed of this place to bring anyone back here. i'm mostly out of the house during the day anyway, and i can get my grandparents to drop by and check on the dogs if i'm away for long, so it's not too bad. im not being triggered or anything, it's just this overwhelming sense of shame at this place. i keep noticing how run down and decrepit it is, even though it's a beautiful old federation-style house in a very rich area. just inside - no one bothers to look after it properly. my new place isn't halfway as beautiful as this house, but at least i keep my things clean and take pride in what i've got. over here i never bothered, because there was nothing to be proud of.

The other thing to think about is, what would be his possible reactions. Are you ready to received any of the reactions that he might have. If he shows concern for you, are you ready for that? If he rejects you, are you ready for that? All of these things are part of deciding whether to tell him.

in order of scaredness: i'm terrified he'll hurt me, but i think this is unlikely and i do especially feel safe with A (nevertheless, it's the mindloop i've been fed, and it's hard to get rid of. i still shake uncontrollably when i tell pdoc stuff, even though i know he'd never hurt me either). next i'm worried he'll be indifferent and even just angry with me, and then i'll end up feeling like a fool. best scenario would be if he cared, and we talked, and afterwards weren't really friends anymore. i could have my closure, give him my blessings and well wishes, and move on. i'm more scared that he might care, that we'll talk, and then we'll continue to be friends. i dont know how to do that.

It sounds like you are ready to tell someone besides Austin-T and Pdoc and it is pushing at you. Is this the case? If so, you might feel like your time line is fast.

yes, it's been pushing at me for quite some time but being back home has made it worse. finding out about his girlfriend was the breaking point, though i know it's super irrational. she has nothing to do with me, but i can't help but also wonder what she's got that i dont, and if it merely comes down to sex. i never slept with A but she (i'm assuming) has, and is that the difference between him being interested in someone vs keeping our thing a secret. it really, really, really sucked that he was so openly affectionate with her and seemed really into her, especially when she's leaving in a month. i'm surprised and hurt.

Please take gentle care of yourself. I care about you so much.

thanks, googles. i love you loads and have missed you terribly too.

[velcro003]

Deli, i think the thing that worries me and that popped up a lot in your response is your need for "closure," or to make "amends." what amends do you need to make? I understand and feel for you when you feel bad that you were "freaking out" and didnt tell him what was going on. I still believe that you do not need to explain yourself about that. If the romantic level was equal between you guys, and he saw you pulling away or whatever it was, he would be patient. But things didnt work out it seems, and that is not your fault. Maybe the timing wasnt right, maybe he wasnt as attracted to you as you were to him. Maybe you just arent ready for that level of intimacy. Chances are, its many reasons.

Either way, there is NO need to feel like you need to make amends or have closure, at least not like this. If you do want to talk about all of that with him, you can still have an honest discussion without having to reveal these very vulnerable places of you. You can tell him that you are afraid of losing him as a friend and ask if he perceives it the same way. If it comes up, the stuff about you two being on and off, you can apologize (if you want) and tell him there is a lot of personal stuff that is going on. If he is a true friend, he will and should respect that. I think it will only harm you in the long run if you tell him because you think you will lose him anyway. Self-disclosure shouldnt work like that. If it comes up naturally and you feel like the conversation is going well and feel confident that you are not losing him, and you feel ok with going deeper, but it should ONLY be because you are in a good spot and think he could be supportive. If you two talk and he is on a different page from you, its Ok! You can say your peqce but why dig up painful memories if you two are going your separate ways? What good will that do you?

Ok my thumbs are going to fall off this was a LOT of typing on a phone!

[deliquesce]

thanks, sweetie. i'm always so touched when you reply to me via your mobile - i hate typing on those things .

Originally Posted by velcro003

Deli, i think the thing that worries me and that popped up a lot in your response is your need for "closure," or to make "amends." what amends do you need to make? I understand and feel for you when you feel bad that you were "freaking out" and didnt tell him what was going on. I still believe that you do not need to explain yourself about that. If the romantic level was equal between you guys, and he saw you pulling away or whatever it was, he would be patient. But things didnt work out it seems, and that is not your fault. Maybe the timing wasnt right, maybe he wasnt as attracted to you as you were to him. Maybe you just arent ready for that level of intimacy. Chances are, its many reasons.

i know i don't have to explain myself, but the thing is i want to (i think). it's not with the purpose of somehow winning him back (he was never really mine to begin with), but more because i DO feel bad that i put him in that situation. i know he got hurt, felt rejected, got angry, whatever. if i didnt care about him then i wouldn't bother explaining myself (and i certainly havent explained myself to people in the past), but i do actually care about this guy (unfortunately ) so i want him to know it's not about him. the making amends thing is less important though now he has a girlfriend. if he's moved on then he obviously doesnt care anymore.

the need for closure is something i want to do for me. i havent been this intimate with a guy before and i want to ask him stuff, because we've always had this very weirdly open relationship that way (he's disclosed a lot about himself that i dont think he's told many other people; it's like we shared this weird sexual & emotional intimacy and honesty that was kept completely separate from our "public" lives). so i would feel comfortable asking him stuff that's been bothering me about all my past, because i know he would give me an honest and considered answer. stuff i want to ask because the next time im interested in a guy i won't feel so uncertain. just simple things like, should i have mentioned something earlier (rather than pretending nothing had just gone wrong) or is it better not to talk about stuff like that. i know there's meant to be that whole "if he really likes you, then he'll be patient" line, but my ex dumped me over sex stuff and i find dating moves so fast these days that i almost give off a completely disinterested vibe by my lack of physical affection towards anyone.

If it comes up naturally and you feel like the conversation is going well and feel confident that you are not losing him, and you feel ok with going deeper, but it should ONLY be because you are in a good spot and think he could be supportive. If you two talk and he is on a different page from you, its Ok! You can say your peqce but why dig up painful memories if you two are going your separate ways? What good will that do you? !

is it sad that i really dont want him to be my friend after this? that i'm only prepared to disclose because i think our friendship is over anyway? i trust him to be supportive at the time should i disclose (and i also know he keeps boundaries well - he won't discuss things if he feels in above his head) - but i dont really want long term support about this. i just want "oh, that sucks" and to not really mention it again. the painful memories are milling around my head right now anyway, and i think there is more good to come of this than bad stuff. it might not be "perfect" (and it probably wont be even "good"), but it'll be something better than keeping silent, which is what i've always done. and if it IS worse, then at least i'll know for future reference .

anyway, all of this seems to be a bit hypothetical right now. we were meant to meet tomorrow, but didnt decide on a time/place, and he hasn't contacted me to find out, so i'm not sure we're even catching up. i dont want to txt him, because if he's forgotten about me/avoiding making arrangements then i dont want to make him feel obliged to attend a pity party (which is kind of what i let him know was going to happen tomorrow anyway).

[velcro003]

Oh, deli! The first part- it sounds like you are wanting to do this for yourself and that is a good thing, so YAY! The second part, yes it IS sad you expect/don't want him to be your friend. I understand the fear-that he will KNOW and still be there for you. It is scary, I get it. I hope you two meet, and just don't put pressure on yourself, ok? Let it just be however it goes. And sometimes you have to take the initiative and call him again and be like " hey dude, we meeting today?" because some people are flaky like that and it has nothing to do with how much they care about you.

[deliquesce]

Thanks, sweetie. I took your advice and sent him a txt asking if we were meeting. He called back an hour later and arranged a time to meet. I'm not really sure if I'll say anything today (or at all). He mentioned his cancer results last week were iffy, and on the phone he said he was going to the hospital on the way in and then afterwards he was meeting other people elsewhere so could I find him around there. I kind of feel like I'm being squeezed in, again, and if I didn't make the effort that he certainly wouldn't bother to have kept time to meet up. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I definitely won't be saying anything if his cancer stuff is back though. Gosh, I hate him and worry about him and really genuinely care for him all at the same time :P.

edit: seeing him in half an hour. wish me luck & wisdom.

[velcro003]

good luck! come tell us how it went

[deliquesce]

told him. it wasnt great, but it wasnt bad either. i was lying down and looking away from him so i dont know if he was shocked at all, but he didnt say anything - just took it in his stride and kept talking about stuff in the context i'd brought it up. he needed to leave and i asked him to please stay, so he stayed for another half hour and then said he really had to go. i wish he had stayed longer, because i wanted to talk longer & ask him stuff (which i didnt really get to do at all), but he did tell me he'd always be around and gave me a hug. i'm kind of glad he kept boundaries like that, because a part of me kind of pushes people to give me more as a means of seeing whether they care for me or not and i would've felt bad if he'd stayed longer.

i was a bit upset though - he wanted to go shopping for something, so we didnt actually get to talk for long at all. maybe only an hour (it was only 1/2hr when he initially wanted to leave), when i'd expected maybe 2 or 3. i'd wanted to do this somewhere like a park or whatever, but we ended up doing it in his car in the carpark, once the shops were closed. he kept asking me to open up in the store, but i couldnt do it there, but i also dont think he had much clue what was coming, so i guess it's ok.

i did send him a txt later saying thanks but please also not to tell anyone, and he hasnt replied, so i dont know. maybe i stuffed up and have scared him off, but he's also not really the sort of person who replies to txts unless it's a specific question, so i wasnt really expecting a reply. would really be nice though to get some sort of reassurance.

im not really sure where things stand. but i know i feel ok, and im kind of proud of myself for telling him. i dont mind what he thinks of me really (i mean, i do...) but as far as me feeling ok then it was a good idea. he's the first person i've told who's in my "real life". AND i did it without shaking terribly - it means i trust him a HEAP to have not been scared that he would hurt me. that's progress that i'm surprised and pleased with. and im not all terribly messed up right now, so im feeling ok.

[velcro003]

YAY DELI!!!!!! I think this was AWESOME of you to do. I agree a better place could have been picked, but I think it is good it was shorter. He can now digest everything you told him, but as he said...he will always be around. I definitely think you need to have a follow up conversation about it. Tell him there was more you wanted to talk about, but just didn't get to it.

GOOD JOB. im proud

[deliquesce]

velcro, it's scary how often you know the right thing to say to me. i need to keep reminding myself that he said he'll always be around, before i let myself spiral into "he hates me and never wants to see me again".

i kept the focus very squarely on now - ie., i didnt tell him details, just the one sentence that x used to happen to me by y person. i think the first thing he said was "well, home probably isn't a good place for you to be right now" and he got angry that i had to look after the dogs and said they should've paid someone else to do it and asked if maybe i could take them somewhere else so i wasnt at home. he told me i need to forgive them so i can move on, but that it wouldnt justify anything that happened. he said it was really important i know that - that forgiving them doesnt mean justifying it. umm... i told him i was scared that no one could ever like me or touch me if they knew, and he said everyone has had bad stuff in their past. he mentioned his cancer, and also one of his friends who used to be beaten up by his folks, but how he's a really social guy who has a lot of friends. we talked about sex stuff and he said i need to feel safe, and that it would come with someone who liked me - that they would want to be patient and help create a safe environment for me. he said sex with someone who cares about you is different to casual sex (i never slept with him but we were talking about how i'd kept freaking out & stopping, and that i didnt want to keep doing that to people). and he said he knew i didnt want a relationship now, but that i wasnt allowed to write it off forever, because people need people because that's how we're made.

im writing all this out because i know i'll forget and then only become insecure. it probably IS good that it was shorter, thanks velcro. i wanted to talk more but we probably would have become exhausted and he mightnt have felt ok with me after. what we did yesterday was manageable.

i dont know about talking about this stuff with him more in the future - i dont want to put him in that position and kind of make it his responsibility to respond to - but it was good for motivating me to really commit to healing this part of my life properly. it was a really challenging conversation, actually, but it feels right now that i've let it settle. he did suggest hypnotherapy for some of the stuff i cant access and said he could introduce me to his hypnotherapist (who's a very close friend of his) but i said that would involve a lot of trust & that's too difficult. but i'm open to the idea, if this talking thing doesnt work properly. but i think i owe it to myself first to commit 100% to giving austin-t a shot, before i try things As way.

in other news, the cancer has spread to A's lungs . he's going away with his new girlfriend for a month, and then i dont know what he'll be up to, so im not sure when i'll be seeing him again but i really really really hope he'll be ok.

[deliquesce]

also to add: i sent pdoc a txt asking for call back, because i really need him as a security blanket right now. i'm not particularly down (certainly, im feeling a lot better since wednesday than i was before), but it's almost like a little kid needing that reassurance that they did good. im sure pdoc will see it as progress that i could ask him for something when not in crisis. he txted me back at 9pm saying he'll call tomorrow when Didier is also free to chat.

also took some initiative & emailed austin-t a list of topics i want to talk about next week. i've asked him if i could do this in the past, and he said of course, but i never followed through on it. i often go to sessions and the emotions are just so big that i cant bring myself to actually talk about what's at hand. so i'm proud of myself for doing it, after 2 years. he emailed me back addressing one of the issues straight away (he sees me pro bono & i worry about this because i can afford to pay at least a minimal contribution, but he said if he had a room full of his clients and he only got to see one pro bono then that person would be me because he gets a lot back from me also) but the rest of his response was hilarious (taking the piss out of therapy-speak). he must've been in silly season mood because we emailed back and forth for a bit just being smart alecs. it was surprising but really nice to connect to him on that level.

im kind of feeling really lucky about the 3 men in my life right now who know my deepest secrets but still think i'm a-ok.

[velcro003]

Oh deli, that makes me smile!!! A really big, happy smile. Things you should be proud for:
1: that you re-checked and confirmed you two meeting-that you didnt give in to the negative thoughts swirling around about how he doesnt really care...etc
2: that you feel proud of yourself!!! That is HUGE! You are showing self-worth, and its awesome to see
3: you reached out. To us, pdoc, AND austin-T
4: you talked to A about really difficult stuff- talking about sex is SO hard. I cant do it and ive been with my T for over 3 years

I think (and had hoped) that his response was really great. He was understanding, sympathetic and rational with you about what you should expect of yourself. I didnt get the feeling that he will disappear from your life. Im really sorry his cancer spread, that is scary. You did wonderful, so just let that sit with you!

[googley]

(((((((((Deli)))))))))
That is so awesome. I am so glad you have such a wonderful friend. I'm so sorry that his cancer has spread. That really sucks. I'm so glad that he had such wonderful things to say when you shared. That he didn't freak out or anything. He sounds like a stand up guy.

I'm glad that you reached out to pdoc and Asutin-t. Good job taking care of yourself. You are important, and don't you forget it!