shame spiral

TRIGGER for mention of triggering medical procedure at end of post **

I had session with T today. It was the first session I've had since my big thing on Monday night, so it started out kind of celebratory. We talked about Monday, and I chatted about some other things going on in my life.

I've had a weird week, but I was afraid to mention it to him. I've been losing a lot of time, not knowing what month/day/season it is...just not here. I don't know why, but I hate telling T that stuff. So I didn't bring it up, even though it was probably 58495702 times more important than the stuff I was chatting about.

About 20 minutes before the end, I was overwhelmed with the "I want to go home now" feeling. I get that at some point in every session. So. I said "I want to go home now".

T asked if I could check in with myself and imagine leaving right then. If that was the end of session, would I go home feeling like there was something I needed that I didn't get? Or would it feel okay?

I asked him what I needed. He said he wasn't trying to be difficult, that he honestly didn't know. I didn't know either. So I asked him to sit with me.

He came over to the couch and I held his hand and kind of leaned my head on his arm (I had a wicked migraine). We just sat like that for a while, and I breathed. I thought about this week, and how scared I am to tell him about when I lose time and all of that. SO, I decided to talk about talking about it. I told him that there were things that I just couldn't talk about, because I was afraid he would judge me, or wouldn't love me anymore, or think I'm "too crazy". I don't want to be the craziest person he sees

He said that my fear of him "judging" comes up a lot - and it DOES - always around this. So I just told him what had been happening. Just opened my mouth and said it. And I asked if I'm his only client that happens to. He didn't really tell me, but he did tell me that it's really common for survivors to find ways to separate themselves from their experiences, because that's how we learned to survive. So.

He hugged me at the end and he asked if I was okay and I said no. And we said we'd leave each other messages.

I am SO caught in a shame spiral. Ashamed that I dissociate so much and that I can't control it. Ashamed that the fact that I do that just points to the things that happened to me as a child that I HATE HATE HATE. Ashamed that I can't "do better" for T. Shame, shame, shame. Ugh.

I have a VERY VERY triggering medical procedure coming up on Monday. I have to be put to sleep for it and the whole thing is . I've been pushing it away so we didn't even talk about it...or we did, but just a little, almost in passing. And T said "it's triggering because you won't be dressed and you'll be asleep in a room with men" OMG! Well, YEAH. And that's it, I couldn't talk about anymore, but it certainly made me feel more triggered. So there's that too.

I left a long message for T. I hope he says what I need to hear, whatever that is. Shame just makes me want to fall into a giant hole and never ever come out.

((( Tree )))

I'm glad you were able to find the courage to share what you did with T. I've heard as well that it's very common for trauma survivors to dissociate. I've had some really bad moments with it, as well as some that I'm not even aware of that T points out to me.

It's hard not to beat ourselves up for something that we feel we should be able to control...I find it embarrassing at times as well. But knowing that I am not alone, and that it happens to others, helps me feel less embarrassed by it. It's not our fault!

wow, tree, that's a lot. I'm glad you got to see him today, and you did get into some of what you needed him to hear about.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))) I feel like I'm picking up a big weight for you, I am strong right now and I can handle it so would that be OK?
What is coming up is hard, but YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. you will definitely be in my prayers on Monday. Hope everything goes successfully.

((((((((Tree)))))))), my thoughts and prayers are with you.

(((((tree))) sorry you are feeling down. we are not our symptoms, and i doubt t thinks you are crazy

OMG, how I relate to this! Just this week, I told my T that there are still things that I am afraid to talk about because I worry that he will judge me, or be disgusted by me, or not want to work with me, and on and on. The shame exists because of the actual events in my brain, THEN the shame exists because I am too afraid to talk about them, and THEN it also exists when I imagine the worst in terms of T's response...... I guess that's why we call it a spiral, huh??!!

I think that it is great that you were able to blurt it out and just get it out in the open with him. At least you know now, that he did not judge you, and that he is not disappointed with you. I always find that when it's really REALLY hard to say something, blurting it out is the only way......of course, it's hard to do though, and I still struggle.

Your post is interesting to me, because I am very hesitant to bring up the dissociating with my T also, and I wonder why that is??? I think that sometimes I'm actually afraid that he will think that I'm exaggerating or being dramatic, which is silly considering he has never given that impression. I also worry that he will think that I am the "craziest patient" or beyond help. And, of course, all of this self-judgement only fuels the shame.

My T is always telling me not to analyze things, just to say them and let him do the analyzing. The losing time really does make sense.....it is scary and unnerving, but it makes sense.

I am sorry that you are feeling all of these things....shame is the worst, the WORST!!! I am in it too, right now, and working very hard to figure out how to climb out of it.

I hope that you can find comfort in the message that T leaves as well as your history of getting through other things and times that have seemed too big and impossible.....

((((((tree)))))) I am so glad you did trust him and tell him. He does love you, I think, and isn't judging you. I understand fear of being judged too and keep thinking my T will judge me when she's not and won't. I understand shame too....I understand the pain it brings to me. I understand it has no value to me, no healing power...but it is still so hard to let go, hard to remember grace. But grace helps heal the shame.....
I'm thinking of you!

Thanks you guys.

I actually left a message with T and asked him to call, which I know was pointless, because it's Friday afternoon and I don't think we've ever talked on the phone on the weekend. I just thought maybe, maybe, maybe. I wish I could have a dialog with him and work through this.

His message was nice and he said everything I needed to hear, but still. I need to have a back and forth conversation.

I think I'm just stuck with it for now.

I'll bet he is very proud of you!

Geez tree- you are so brave. As much as I'd like to, I can't ever imagine me doing that- just too too much for me. BUT Good for you!! I'm so glad you were able to move forward into that place with T. Honestly- I'm just in awe.

tree you are so amazing and i wish you all the safety and welness for monday.i totally understand this fear and shame

Ugh! My T completely falls off of the face of the planet on the weekends and it just totally stinks sometimes.....I feel for you there. Sometimes it really helps me to imagine what he would say to me if we were dialoguing. Since I have been with him for so long, I usually have a pretty good idea. Maybe you can try that???

You squeezed *my* tears out, sawe.

I actually have a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder, so it's not like it would come as a surprise to T. He spends time with other parts of me IN SESSION. So, when it's not in my control and I'm sitting in his office, it just is what it is, I guess....but when I have to TELL him about it, talk about it, admit it's happening, it's just awful. I think he's thinking "geez, tree, your life is so great, why are you drifting off and missing it? pull yourself together!". Although I *know* that what he's really thinking - and what he left in my message - is that it is a great survival skill that I needed while I was growing up, and he's glad that I was "smart" enough to develop it. Or something like that.

I really appreciate EVERYONE'S replies, although it feels too overwhelming to me to reply to each one individually. I don't know what I would do without PC.

T didn't call back (and I didn't expect him to, so it's okay), and he hasn't e-mailed (but I'm sure he will sometime this weekend...probably Sunday). I know this is HIS time, and I am honestly fine with that. AND I feel shame-spiraly and alone and so grateful that PC is here.

This is the e-mail I sent to T. Edited a little to take out details.


I don't know whether to call you or e-mail you.

I feel SO drama-queenish with two giant things happening in two weeks. It makes me super SUPER judgemental of myself. Like "shut up and GET OVER IT". I'm trying to step back and see that they both ARE big - (the thing that happened this past Monday) and then this super triggering medical procedure. They are both just so triggering in different ways and ALL of my issues are wrapped up in there - the mom stuff, the little kid stuff, (J) - all of it. ALL of it.

I want you to love me whether I'm triggered or not. I want to not be triggered, FOR YOU. I want you to look at me and think I'm doing a good job. I don't want to tell you when I lose time because I want you to be proud of me.

^ all of that is so true. I want him to respond. And he will. And I'll sit with it until then, and I'll survive. But. Still.

Tree... all I can do is just offer support... I think you have what it seems like a great T, and I agree with Lastyearisblank (we are NOT our symptoms!)... Take care please!

((((( Tree )))))

It's so hard to sit and wait for T to respond. The good thing is that you know how much T cares about you....and even though you need that reassurance, you know he is in your corner. And that's something good to hold onto.

And yes, PC....ah, the wonderful support of our friends here....I cannot thank everyone here enough for the best support group I've ever EVER had and could ever imagine having. It's amazing.

Do you have a busy weekend planned, Tree? Maybe that'll help get you through until your procedure is over with. I know how anxiety producing it can be to have something majorly triggering up ahead. It's difficult to face...and the waiting can be torture.

(((( HUGS ))))

You know what? There are things that I think it is 100% positively okay to become triggered and upset over - and medical procedures are one of them.

Even so called "normal" people get upset over medical procedures. With our histories, shouldn't we then cut ourselves a little slack here?

I got all just beside myself over an ultrasound of my abdomen looking for gallstones. A shaky teary mess. The technician was like "are you okay?"
Well, obviously not....

It turns out I was just really constipated. THe doctor said "You know this is really good news, nothing to be upset about, some over the counter laxatives and you'll be just fine" He was totally clueless, god bless him.

But I totally hear you about wanting to be better for your T. If I was your T, however, I would be very very proud of you and would want you to be equally proud of yourself.

You may feel the triggers, you make react in old way, BUT you are NOT surrendering to them. You are out there doing what needs to be done and facing them head on. To me, that is a huge victory.

Remember, being brave doesn't mean that you don't feel fear. It means you feel the fear and do it anyway. You are honest about the fear and not letting it control you. It's heroic if you look at it that way.

I hope you can open yourself up to the way I see it, and the way I'm sure your T sees it - a brave woman, fighting a hard battle and winning.

Tree- I am really proud of you for telling T about what was really going on with you and for sticking it out until the end of your session. Great job! You should be proud of yourself. As for mentioning to T about my dissociation I doubt that I would ever be able to do that as she is always the one to point it out to me when I start dissociating so I can't honestly say that I am aware of how much I actually do dissociate myself. Keep up the good work Tree!

These two things stick out to me because I go through them on a regular basis.

There is always something I should be talking about but avoiding. I always convince myself that it is unimportant or insignificant or my T doesn't want to talk about it. But, as soon as I start thinking those things I know I'm making small things bigger just so I don't talk about the REALLY big things. I end up just shooting the breeze about the weather or whatever, terrifed start the big stuff.

I have a HUGE issue with my T judging me or getting sick of me. He always trys to help me feel better about it or reassure me that he doesn't, but I have a hard time believing him. This makes it so hard to open up about things I wonder how he going to react with.

I'm glad your T sat with you and wanted to take care of you for a bit. Hoping you got to talk to him by now, and you're feeling better today

I haven't.

Does he know to call back? Hope you hear from him soon.

Yes, he knows I'm waiting for a call or an e-mail. He disappears on the weekends. It's fine, because it has to be.

Tree, I totally admire you for understanding yourself so well. Still sorry it is hard.

I hate this, actually.

T and I will talk about it, and he will say this is the part of therapy that isn't fair. He always says that. And he seems like he feels bad about it, and he probably does, because he's good at being in that middle place. He can feel bad that I'm left alone sometimes, wondering why he isn't responding AND he can feel okay that he's doing whatever he's doing and not responding.

But. Here I am. I think what feels extra bad is the fact that I was already in this place of SHAME, and his lack of response makes the shame that much bigger. Like, this proves that I'm too needy-bad-icky-timeconsuming-crazy, like this proves that I'm unlovable, for real.

I *know* that T is out there. And I *know* that even if he's irritated with me for being too needy, there is still an underlying love/caring/whatever. But none of that FEELS true right now.

THIS is when I hate therapy. I mean REALLY hate it.