[mixedup_emotions]

I'm working towards getting back to writing my book....and one topic was something that I wanted to share here and get some different perspectives and feedback on.

Here's the initial summary of what I wrote:

"The idea of admitting my secrets produces such shame and leaves me too vulnerable to attack by others. A high sensitivity emerges from such disclosures, and helps elicit such an incredible array of emotions. Fear of judgment, rejection, lonliness. Shame, embarrassment, disappointment. Admitting the secrets also adds a layer of guilt and betrayal. Admission also helps the events seem more real. If it's only real in my own mind and body, does it exist? Only to me and those involved. Once the secrets are revealed, you can never, ever, ever take them back. The risks seem so huge to the one carrying them. To me."

This takes me back to group T...and how I have such a difficult time sharing in group.....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'm working towards getting back to writing my book....and one topic was something that I wanted to share here and get some different perspectives and feedback on.

Here's the initial summary of what I wrote:

"The idea of admitting my secrets produces such shame and leaves me too vulnerable to attack by others. A high sensitivity emerges from such disclosures, and helps elicit such an incredible array of emotions. Fear of judgment, rejection, lonliness. Shame, embarrassment, disappointment. Admitting the secrets also adds a layer of guilt and betrayal. Admission also helps the events seem more real. If it's only real in my own mind and body, does it exist? Only to me and those involved. Once the secrets are revealed, you can never, ever, ever take them back. The risks seem so huge to the one carrying them. To me."

This takes me back to group T...and how I have such a difficult time sharing in group.....

Wow, that's exactly what I'm going through now. My appt. with T is next Friday and I've agreed to share my secret but I keep having second thoughts. All of those emotions are in my body -fear of judgment, rejection, loneliness, shame, embarrassment. I was even thinking today that by revealing am I adding fuel to the fire?

I discussed it with my T. Told her that once it's out I can never go back. That she will despise me. She assured me that she wouldn't. Then she asked if anyone else in the world had done such a thing. I said, sure - but that's them, not me.

But, I believe now, with my study of buried emotions, that it is the healthy thing to do - share with my T. Also, the latest issue of the magazine Shambala Sun has some wonderful articles that really hit home to me in their March issue. Thich Nhat Hanh writes about how to heal the wounded child within us. Pema Chodron talks about fear. Both articles have been very helpful to me as I face self-disclosure and all the emotions that will rise up.

Good insight you have there.

I know I would never be able to share in group.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Wow, that's exactly what I'm going through now. My appt. with T is next Friday and I've agreed to share my secret but I keep having second thoughts. All of those emotions are in my body -fear of judgment, rejection, loneliness, shame, embarrassment. I was even thinking today that by revealing am I adding fuel to the fire?

I discussed it with my T. Told her that once it's out I can never go back. That she will despise me. She assured me that she wouldn't. Then she asked if anyone else in the world had done such a thing. I said, sure - but that's them, not me.

But, I believe now, with my study of buried emotions, that it is the healthy thing to do - share with my T. Also, the latest issue of the magazine Shambala Sun has some wonderful articles that really hit home to me in their March issue. Thich Nhat Hanh writes about how to heal the wounded child within us. Pema Chodron talks about fear. Both articles have been very helpful to me as I face self-disclosure and all the emotions that will rise up.

Good insight you have there.

I know I would never be able to share in group.

(((( HUGS )))))

I have shared with my T some of my secrets, and in the safety of my relationship with T, he still sees me as someone he likes, admires, cares for....which is HUGE for me - and actually causes all sorts of issues/feelings for me as well. That's a different chapter. I would not want you to be deterred from sharing, as I know that it's an important part of therapy and of the growth of the relationship.

My current fears are disclosing such huge things to others who are perhaps more judgmental, less empathetic, less sensitive, etc....in essence, not my T...vaery, very scary to me.

At some point in my life, I hope to be at a place where I am so content and ok with myself that the reactions of others wouldn't be important at all...

[WePow]

MUE, that is a very POWERFUL insight! It is hard to weigh the benifits of sharing the secret against the pain of being so exposed.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( HUGS )))))

I have shared with my T some of my secrets, and in the safety of my relationship with T, he still sees me as someone he likes, admires, cares for....which is HUGE for me - and actually causes all sorts of issues/feelings for me as well. That's a different chapter. I would not want you to be deterred from sharing, as I know that it's an important part of therapy and of the growth of the relationship.

My current fears are disclosing such huge things to others who are perhaps more judgmental, less empathetic, less sensitive, etc....in essence, not my T...vaery, very scary to me.

At some point in my life, I hope to be at a place where I am so content and ok with myself that the reactions of others wouldn't be important at all...

MUE - I'm positive that my secret will not be disclosed to anyone but my T. It's hard enough to do that with her. And, it would not help anyone else to know, so that's not a problem. It's just my own guilt and shame that I'm struggling with.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Suratji

MUE - I'm positive that my secret will not be disclosed to anyone but my T. It's hard enough to do that with her. And, it would not help anyone else to know, so that's not a problem. It's just my own guilt and shame that I'm struggling with.

I do hope that your T will help you work through it.

I never imagined sharing any of my secrets with anyone, not even my T. But it came out during a very difficult time, early on in therapy....and I find that I have a more difficult time with it now than before.

I think my T wants me to disclose my secrets in group T, probably not for any purpose other than letting go of the secret and not allowing it to have any power over me. Also, I believe he feels that it would allow others to better understand where I am coming from when other situations arise.

[SpiritRunner]

I understand the shame of admitting secrets....but also the shame of holding them close and keeping them secret. A fear of being judged and rejected yes and seen as dirty and unforgivable.....but I guess I've also had the fear of what shame and the shame of the unrevealed secrets or secret beliefs about myself will do to me. And it's like WePow said, hard to weigh the benefits of sharing the secret against the pain of exposure....the benefit of sharing secrets is that the burden is now shared and fear and shame are exposed too, and have less power, and the secret has less power since its power is in being secret.
Some of the things I have shared with my T I simply couldn't share with others. She is only one and it was hard enough, and yet the privacy, and too the intimacy, of it being only her makes it bearable.....I simply can't handle the thought of being exposed/exposing myself and my inmost secrets to a group. To have them see me and me see them seeing me, no! (nope, not even feeling manic makes that a comfortable thought!)
I admire the work you're doing MUE!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'm working towards getting back to writing my book....and one topic was something that I wanted to share here and get some different perspectives and feedback on.

Here's the initial summary of what I wrote:

"The idea of admitting my secrets produces such shame and leaves me too vulnerable to attack by others. A high sensitivity emerges from such disclosures, and helps elicit such an incredible array of emotions. Fear of judgment, rejection, lonliness. Shame, embarrassment, disappointment. Admitting the secrets also adds a layer of guilt and betrayal. Admission also helps the events seem more real. If it's only real in my own mind and body, does it exist? Only to me and those involved. Once the secrets are revealed, you can never, ever, ever take them back. The risks seem so huge to the one carrying them. To me."

This takes me back to group T...and how I have such a difficult time sharing in group.....

thanks for sharing this mue.i understand a little more why group is so hard for you now..i also fear that speaking the secrets also makes them to real for me.i often live by the motto better left unsaid

[Sweetlove]

MUE you are so talented, I hope you keep writing for a long time because I saw myself in everything you wrote. Sometimes I FEEL those things, but can't put it into word...but now I can. Thank you for sharing!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sweetlove

MUE you are so talented, I hope you keep writing for a long time because I saw myself in everything you wrote. Sometimes I FEEL those things, but can't put it into word...but now I can. Thank you for sharing!

Aww, thanks, Sweetlove.

I will make an effort to share more when it comes to something that may be of value, to help stimulate people's feelings and experiences. Most of my writing had been recapping life's events in relation to the topic of my book which is about Martin Seligman's theory of learned helplessness and my real life example...and working towards overcoming it.

It's only now that I've gotten to the here-and-now issues....even though I'm not finished with the other stuff. I just kinda write what comes to me, or what I feel able to write about at the time. I will eventually put it all together.

My illustrator is working on some really powerful artwork for me, which may help stimulate some writing about my marriage. I'm not sure. It's just draining to have to re-experience the feelings. Blech.

[karebear1]

Mue- I really understand why this would apply to a group session. For me it's like..... I can hardly admit this stuff to myself... and now I have to admit it to a bunch of people I don't know? Sometimes therapy is very confusing to me. Are you ever frustrated or confused by what you are expected to do in therapy? I don't wish it upon you, our anyone else, but it would be nice to have some company in these feelings.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I do hope that your T will help you work through it.

I never imagined sharing any of my secrets with anyone, not even my T. But it came out during a very difficult time, early on in therapy....and I find that I have a more difficult time with it now than before.

I think my T wants me to disclose my secrets in group T, probably not for any purpose other than letting go of the secret and not allowing it to have any power over me. Also, I believe he feels that it would allow others to better understand where I am coming from when other situations arise.

To me, exposing myself to a group of strangers is completely unthinkable. I mean, who are they? Why should I trust them? Will they tell other people? Just to disclose to my T is almost beyond my capacity.

Is there not another way to let the secret not have power over you besides sharing with the group? It just seems counter-intuitive to me. I'm sorry but I just don't understand, really, how this could help. But don't listen to me - I'm not an expert in this kind of thing. I'm just sharing my own personal reaction

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Mue- I really understand why this would apply to a group session. For me it's like..... I can hardly admit this stuff to myself... and now I have to admit it to a bunch of people I don't know? Sometimes therapy is very confusing to me. Are you ever frustrated or confused by what you are expected to do in therapy? I don't wish it upon you, our anyone else, but it would be nice to have some company in these feelings.

Thanks, karebear....I am right there with you about having a difficult time even admitting this to myself, let alone sharing it with others.

The type of therapy that I go to is a bit unique, I think. It's gestalt based, so it's very much about sharing feelings...content is less important. However, a lot of what we feel is sometimes tied to something else from the past or present, and it's important to recognize that when relating to others.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Suratji

To me, exposing myself to a group of strangers is completely unthinkable. I mean, who are they? Why should I trust them? Will they tell other people? Just to disclose to my T is almost beyond my capacity.

Is there not another way to let the secret not have power over you besides sharing with the group? It just seems counter-intuitive to me. I'm sorry but I just don't understand, really, how this could help. But don't listen to me - I'm not an expert in this kind of thing. I'm just sharing my own personal reaction

I totally understand this feeling. I believe the point is to get to a place where I'm able to work through the shame, fear of judgment, etc. and feel confident enough in myself and my experiences to not worry about what others think. To be able to find the strength to handle whatever feedback I get. To understand that the experiences that cause me so much shame do not define me. To realize that I don't need to defend, justify, explain, rationalize.

I am not there yet. I wonder if I ever will be.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Admission also helps the events seem more real. If it's only real in my own mind and body, does it exist? Only to me and those involved. Once the secrets are revealed, you can never, ever, ever take them back.

THIS is something I am really struggling with right now. Thank you for putting words around it for me.

I've been dissociating a lot, and aware of it, and I HATE it so much, because it's a reminder of what I had to do to survive. And that reminds me of the stories, and the fact that T knows them and....aaaaaack. Spiral city. It's just so freaking REAL.

Sometimes I think the "real" is good - it's solid, there is a beginning and and end to it, it's not this thing floating around in my head with no borders around it. Sometimes, I'm not so sure.

Thanks for sharing, MUE

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

THIS is something I am really struggling with right now. Thank you for putting words around it for me.

I've been dissociating a lot, and aware of it, and I HATE it so much, because it's a reminder of what I had to do to survive. And that reminds me of the stories, and the fact that T knows them and....aaaaaack. Spiral city. It's just so freaking REAL.

Sometimes I think the "real" is good - it's solid, there is a beginning and and end to it, it's not this thing floating around in my head with no borders around it. Sometimes, I'm not so sure.

Thanks for sharing, MUE

Aww, Tree.....BIG HUGS to you. I'm sorry it's so REAL right now for you. But realize that even though it's REAL it's not NOW. There's way more good in your NOW than then....

My REAL is not yet there....it's still that thing that's floating in the distance....and I try to keep my distance from it, because the idea of it feeling real is too overwhelming....

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

At some point in my life, I hope to be at a place where I am so content and ok with myself that the reactions of others wouldn't be important at all...

Me too, MUE. I feel like, when I get to this point, I will know that healing has really really happened. Of course, the journey is important and valuable too, but..... my goal is to become a person who wears my past proudly, or, at the very least, has no shame in it....not because I am proud of things that I've done, or unaffected by things that were done to me, but because I *did* survive and learn and grow from each and every event, and this IS something to be proud of. I want to be at a place where others' reactions will not cause my own strength to waver. I hope that someday we can both get there.

Something an AA sponsor mentioned to me has stuck: "Try it. If it does not work, you can have all your misery back."

Therapists like other professionals need to know about all that is going on with a client. Selective disclosure does not allow the therapist to get to the heart of the matter, prolonging therapy and increasing the likelihood of frustration.

Not working with your therapist to achieve a good result probably means keeping your misery the whole time.

[disguise123]

its a powerful and worthy topic, i like my secrets right where i left em, buried so deep down, even im not sure if they are real.......... And thats enough thinking about them for me!

[Sannah]

MUE, your T has stated that he wants you to share these things in group? My opinion is working on them in therapy a bit to take out some of the sting before sharing with a larger audience. Do you think that you have worked on them enough in therapy?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Something an AA sponsor mentioned to me has stuck: "Try it. If it does not work, you can have all your misery back."

Therapists like other professionals need to know about all that is going on with a client. Selective disclosure does not allow the therapist to get to the heart of the matter, prolonging therapy and increasing the likelihood of frustration.

Not working with your therapist to achieve a good result probably means keeping your misery the whole time.

Oh I agree that therapists need to know what is going on...although I also believe that a trusting relationship needs to be developed first in order for the client to feel safe enough to disclose.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

MUE, your T has stated that he wants you to share these things in group? My opinion is working on them in therapy a bit to take out some of the sting before sharing with a larger audience. Do you think that you have worked on them enough in therapy?

Yes, my T has stated that he would like me to get to a point where I feel safe enough to share these things in group. And no, I haven't worked on them enough in individual therapy. I tend to dissociate a lot when talking about certain difficult things like this, and then have trouble opening up.

I wonder if T thinks that it would be helpful to get feedback from people in group that would dismantle my own thought process, in a way that he can't as my therapist. I don't know.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Yes, my T has stated that he would like me to get to a point where I feel safe enough to share these things in group. And no, I haven't worked on them enough in individual therapy. I tend to dissociate a lot when talking about certain difficult things like this, and then have trouble opening up.

He would like you to get to the point - this doesn't mean now then. If you dissociate and shut down, I think you need more work in therapy on these issues before taking them to a larger stage.