The WORST Session of my life!!

Awesome, Squiggle

((((((((((squiggle))))))))))

I also express myself much better in writing. I'm just more comfortable putting words on paper (or a screen!) than saying them out loud. When I speak, if I don't know the person well, or if I DO know the person well and I'm trying to talk about something even a little bit emotional, it's hard for me to not dissociate or shut down. So, I totally get it.

For ME, it feels important to *try* to express myself more with words, because usually, when I am interacting with people, it is face to face. My H, my kids, my friends, my T...they are all sitting there, TALKING to me. And I want to learn to talk back, and to be as authentic as I can be.

It's odd, because while I express myself SO much more clearly in writing, there is something about it that feels like "hiding" sometimes. I guess because if I'm e-mailing, or writing a letter, or an essay, or whatever, there is this SCREEN between me and whoever else I'm communicating with. It's like I'm communicating and isolating all at the same time. (learning to not isolate has been a big part of my therapy)

So, I think for me, it's important to learn to do both...write, AND speak. I've got the writing DOWN, so T is good "talking" practice

I'm glad that you are resting. And I hope you rest well

Just catching up on this thread squiggles and this is too cute!

Thats all I got to say for now.

I smiled as I pictured you sitting on the ladder hands tucked under your chin.

I find myself reading a lot of my writing to T instead of only talking off the cuff. For me it is difficult to remember at the moment all the stuff I want to talk about or all the details. Also, I can't seem to express myself in the same way or as well as when I take time to write it down.

I did try one time when I was really ticked off at T NOT to read. I wanted to bypass the writing and try to tap straight into my emotions. It was bumpy because I stalled a couple of times during my tirade against her. But then it got smooth and I was able to access a deeper part of my emotions.

So, I guess for me, I don't trust that I'll be able to elucidate well my thoughts and feelings if I don't write them down beforehand. I should ask T about this - if it inhibits my ability to share with her or not. I'm kinda scared to go into session without my voluminous stack of writing.

Wow! reading back through that long post I just made, I am thinking, "Squiggle, do you ever hold back on anything in here? Why do you spill your guts so openly? These people are not interested in reading a 'book' every time you post something. Keep it simple. A few sentences and let it be!"

Squiggle is a talker that's for sure!! She just says what is on her mind. She is somewhat of an open book. She doesn't really hold back on anything. Maybe she needs to think about this. Why is she doing this? Is it to give her a sense of relief from her anxiety? Or is it really because she wants to be open and honest with others? She wants to share her story/struggles in hopes that something she may say will help someone else?

Squiggle needs to really ponder this.....

Squiggle - 2500 views!!! It doesn't matter what you think about it - people are hungry for real life personal experiences that they can relate to. Keep it up!

that is ok, here......you see my posts? many of my posts about my sessions are long too, because I simply want to share so much, I want to process so much and so deeply.....and don't know when to shut it off, at times!
and your threads do generate lots of views, so yes, you are probably helping a few people by sharing your feelings! you've helped me tons....

I think I attract more lurkers than anything. Maybe my life is like a soap opera? They keep tuning in to see what is going to happen next? I hope that one day some of the lurkers will reveal themselves. I would like to know what they are really thinking when they read things I post. Is it really something that is interesting in a way that is helping? Or is it just that I try to make it sound like I know what I am talking about? Could it be that I tell it like it is, not withholding any of the truth about what is going on and how I am feeling?

Maybe it is because they think I am a wacko and they just cannot believe what I am posting!

Yes, you are a talker/writer just like me! I am hoping that one day you will s p a c e out your long posts. I go cross-eyed trying to read them. I actually use an index card and place it on the screen to help me keep on the lines! That is a teacher thing that some of my students have to use when reading.

Maybe write a few lines and then start a new paragraph? I tell my students that a paragraph is 3-5 lines. Then they skip a line, indent, and start a new one.

Just a lesson from Squiggle (the teacher). You can take this or throw it out. I may be the only one who struggles with reading long posts that are all (as I call it) smushed together

As you can tell from my posts, I space them out a lot. This is just me, though, you do what you want to do. I have a ton of index cards

I will still love you no matter what you do. I think I may need to make an appointment with the eye doctor if I keep on reading "smushed up" posts.

We love learning of your struggles and your thoughts and your feelings. But you must decide if this is something you still feel comfortable sharing. I know your sharing has helped me so you can be confident that at least one person benefits. But, reading other responses show that I'm not the only one. So, please carry on. Many of us benefit.

squiggle that post about not hiding behind e-mail and jouraling was amazing.i couldnt say it better .now if i could just convince my T this.i journal a lot.sometimes for hours a day.when my T said no more letters and e-mail i felt she just totally cut off any ability i mat have had to communicate.i hate it

granite1, have you told her what you told us? What did she say?

There is no way that I could do therapy without being able to communicate through email and to bring journal notes into our sessions. It is not like I spend the entire 90 minutes reading. Going over my written homework assignment may take 15 minutes at the most. We then have an hour to talk after that.

I do send about 3 emails per week, but she normally responds to them all in one email. If I am in a desperate situation, she has told me to tell her I need a reply asap. I don't normally do that, but I did once, and she did reply that day. I do have the option to call her, but she prefers that to be only if you are in a real crisis (like having a panic attack, or feeling like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or something tragic has happened). I would rather send an email anyway, that way she can reply when she has time.

Like I said before, writing is a part of me. You cannot expect to take that away from me in anything that I do. It would be like telling me that I could no longer sing. Yes, I am a singer as well. That would be like saying, "You need to go to church to help you get better, but you can't sing when you are there. You will have to use sign language!"

That would be totally foreign to me. Yes, we do need to be open to trying different things, but as the saying goes, "If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it." Writing is not for everyone or every therapist. I am sure therapists have reasons for why they do things. I am just glad that mine is so open about email and journal writing. She wants me to do that. She sees it as healthy for me. I can't say that she does that with every client. For some, it may not be healthy.

I guess another way to explain it would be like this. If someone were a constant talker, telling them they could no longer talk but had to communicate through writing, it would be like cutting their tongue out!

I am sorry that you feel so sad and lonely about not being able to do this with your therapist. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I would be crippled if my therapist did that to me. I know how you feel, or at least I can sympathize with how you feel.

It is hard to believe that the WORST session of my life was just a week ago. It feels like a year ago! My next session is coming up on Friday. For some reason, I am feeling another shut down coming. Another silent session on the way. Even though the last one made me so mad, I am thinking I may like having another one this time. A quiet time with my therapist. I won't have to feel pressured to say anything. I will sit and just be with myself and my emotions. Wow! I sure never thought I would say that!

The session may be like me talking to myself and saying, "Hi Squiggle. Let me introduce you to Squiggle. We actually live in the same house, but you have ignored me for years. Can we be friends?"

That is a revelation! I surprise myself all the time with these light bulb moments. Before long, I may look like a beautiful Christmas tree!

I think that you are well on the way!

Quite interesting talking to yourself. I do it all the time. It's so easy because me, myself and I hardly ever disagree with each other. It's so peaceful but also very engaging. Me, myself and I have the same interests and the conversations are always very stimulating.

On another note, my T suggested that I think of writing a letter to the me from the past when I had experienced a bit of trauma. In session she asked me what I would say to her. I couldn't really come up with anything so this week I will be trying to write that letter.

I did this! When I was so upset about things I had done in the past, but could not bring myself to show any emotion or anger, I decided to write about "her".

"She" was selfish and immature and made horrible decisions that are affecting my life today. "She" was a coward and stayed in a marriage that was destroying her, because "She" was too afraid to leave. I hate "her"!

I sent this in an email to my therapist. It was a very long email with a lot of emotion toward "her". As usual, my therapist replied with, "Awesome job! You are allowing yourself to feel something. Keep talking to her. Let her know how you feel about what she has done."

Of course when we met in session, she hit me with, "At some point you are going to have to forgive her. She made mistakes, but she is worthy to be forgiven."

My assignment is a bit different - instead of talking about her, I am going to try to write a letter to her. I am to imagine what I would say to anyone who was in her situation. To try to explain to her why she's in the situation she's in, why she wasn't able to get out, offer some reassuring and comforting words, etc

Whether I'll be able to do that or not is still a question.

Tomorrow is the big day. My first time to see her after telling her how mad I was at her. I know it will be fine, but I am a bit nervous. She didn't respond back to me in a more detailed email like she normally does. I keep telling myself that she probably forgot, or she is having a really busy week, or maybe something just came up and she couldn't.

Shut down is coming again. I can feel it. If I am repeating myself, I apologize. I thought I posted in this thread this morning, but it is not here. I wonder if I accidentally posted that message in the wrong thread??

It feels like a year since I saw her. It has only been a week. Now I feel like I may be silent in our session again That is worrying me to death. I can just see myself sitting in the floor or on the couch and just staring at the wall again.

It would be nice to have some of you go with me tomorrow. My session is at 3:00 central time. Pocket riders? Prayer partners?

I'm sure you'll be fine.

I'll pray for you .

I can go!

pocket rider and prayer partner, both!

Thanks to all who are supporting me on this. I thought about taking a notebook with me tomorrow and if I go into the silent mode, I will be able to write what I am feeling. I have never done that before in a session, but have read that some on PC have. I keep saying I want to do something different. This would be different.

My only draw back is that she will think, "You are acting like a child. Grow up!"

About half of my sessions are written because my words get stuck so badly that it hinders progress. At first I hated the idea of writing, and I still get frustrated when I need to, but it was such a relief to finally get some ideas out that it's worth it. My T is okay if his clients without mutism write, too, so you never know- maybe your T wouldn't mind! My guy does pretty traditional/classic therapy, so if an old fashioned style T is good with writing, the chances might be good for others.

I am off to bed.......tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I sure hope that I can come back in here after my session and give you guys a positive report. If I can't, I really don't need to talk about this anymore. This thread will need to be closed. Maybe even deleted.