The WORST Session of my life!!

I don't mean to imply that I am upset when PC members think my therapist is right in what she does and how she handles things. I DO think she is right. When I am venting on here, I am not really seeing the whole picture. I realize that. I know that it is not about who is right or wrong, or who is on whose side.

My posts are my way of getting my emotions and feelings out. I am not really trying to make sure that every thing I say is rational. I know that at times it is not. Maybe I should pay more attention to what I post?

((((((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))) This sounds so important. You said you tend to talk about the same thing over and over in therapy, but you didn't say what you are talking about... is it this? Because if it's NOT, this seems like an important place to get to.

I think it's pretty common for anger to hide other feelings...sadness, or, usually, fear. I wonder what feelings might be behind the anger?

to you

I think if you worry about what you're posting then you'll start editing and editing is not allowing yourself to vent. It's here on PC that you can vent safely.

There are things in my past that we are working on, but the major thing she keeps bringing up is for me to embrace my anger. To show my anger. To let it out! I did not believe her for a long time that I even had anger issues. I saw anger as a weakness.

I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion to hurt, pain, fear, anxiety, etc...so I am trying to allow myself to FEEL anger and realize that it does not make me a bad person.

My issues have a lot to do with my marriage. My husband's addiction to pornograpy and trying to get over his multiple online affairs. I also struggle with being his caregiver. As most of you know he is a quadriplegic. I dress him, bath him, take care of his personal needs (ostomy care for bowel movements and catheter to urinate). I transfer him in and out of his wheelchair, etc....Trying to learn how to live in this environment without letting it kill me is what I struggle with. I have been doing this for 18 years. It has not always been this critical, but it has always been something hard for me to deal with.

I have a lot of anger that my life is like this. I FEEL cheated. That makes me feel guilty and then the cycle is never ending. I beat myself up a lot! This is what she keeps harping on. That I need to allow myself to be upset, disappointed, discouraged, mad, angry, etc... and not blame myself for having those feelings. I won't allow myself to FEEL those things because I think it makes me a bad person. He cannot help the condition he is in.

I also cannot help feeling so lonely, isolated, and disappointed that my life is so different from everyone else that I associate with. I cannot do the things that my friends can do. That makes me sad.

She is working on helping me express my anger. She will not let up on that! I know she is right. I know that is something that is keeping me from being the person I want to be. It is also why I am so overweight.

I FEEL guilty for even sharing this with you. I FEEL guilty that I cannot just get over this and take care of him without feeling so upset about it. I try not to let it show. I try to hide this from others. I don't want them to think badly about me if I say that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. I FEEL trapped with no way out.

Anyway, that is my story. I FEEL guilty all the time because I cannot handle this caregiver lifestyle. She wants me to show anger and stays on me all the time about it! We talk about ANGER all the time!! I want her to stop making me go there. She is doing what I need her to do. But I don't like it at all.

Man, I can relate to this. I took care of my mother the last 3 months of her life and it was hell. I couldn't handle it physically, mentally or emotionally and I was all alone - no one to help me. I was put in a situation that I was not able to do well. And it was only for 3 months!!! I don't know how a person can continue to do it.

And the guilt - yes! I was even hoping my mother would die soon because it was too much for me. Yes, I understand guilt.

((((((((Squiggle))))))))))

When my son was diagnosed with autism (and in the years leading up to the diagnosis), I struggled a lot with my feelings about it. Because it doesn't feel "right" to be angry about something that someone else can't control. My sweet boy can't help having autism, and I honestly love him exactly how he is. AND at the same time, for many years, I couldn't do things my mom friends could do. While they sat and chatted at play groups at the park, I had to follow him around or he would wander off and be lost. I did feel angry that I was missing out on connecting with other people. While they were telling about all of the milestones their kids were reaching, I just had to listen, because our milestones were so different. And while I took joy in those milestones, I felt sad too. He has to be on a special (expensive!) diet, and it's hard to not have extra money for things, to have to make so much extra food for every little social gathering, etc.

It is okay to have feelings - even BIG feelings. Feelings aren't bad. It really really really is okay to be angry, to be sad, to feel hopeless, to feel scared. Your feelings don't make you a bad person. I find so much joy in my son that I can't even express it...but the joy and the love and the hard stuff can all be there at the same time.

I wonder if there is a support group for caregivers in your area? Or even online? I know that when I talk to other moms of kids with special needs, it's like getting a glass of water in the desert. It helps so much to find out that we are not alone, that other people share our experiences, and have had just the same feelings we are having.

I also wonder if there is any way to get some help with caring for your husband? A friend of mine who has a son with very severe autism gets money from the state to have a respite worker come and help with him at various times throughout the week. I bet just a little bit of help would make a big difference.

You are important. You matter. Your feelings matter. All of that is so true, I wish I could write it a million times for you.

Be gentle with yourself.

You caught me editing? BUSTED! Yes, I do edit my posts often and I delete A LOT of them.

Thank you for your kind words of support. This sent me into the ugly cry. I am sobbing right now. I desperately want out of this lifestyle. I feel so guilty for saying this. Taking it one day at a time is all that I can do. The only real support that I get (other than from therapy) is to come in here on PC and talk about things.

I don't mean to sound so angry and vent so much. I know that makes me sound like a mean aggressive person. You guys are the only ones who see that side of me. I think I may need to tone it down a bit. I read back through some things I have posted and I don't like what I see. But, it is who I am, at least part of who I am.

Therapy is about being authentic and true to yourself. When you read my threads/posts you are seeing that. If I can't be honest with myself, I do not need to post. It is much easier to come in here and make myself look like this great person who does not have any issues. Unfortunately, that would be a lie. I do have issues and I am trying to work through them with my therapist, as well as, in this forum.

I think I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight. Not a bad thing. I just need to. I think it will make me feel better.

Thanks again for your compassion.

My therapist normally checks emails on Sunday mornings. She will send me a quick response with something like, "Read your emails. I am not upset. Everything is okay. I will send you a more detailed response later today when I have more time."

I haven't heard anything yet. Part of me is like, "Thank God! She hasn't read them yet!" The other part is saying, "She is mad at you. She never wants to see you again. You did it now! You ruined it all"

I know that she is not going to say what the 'other part' is thinking, so I need to stop letting that worry me. It is so strange that I want so bad to hear from her, yet everytime I check my inbox, I am thinking, "I hope there's not a message from her!"

My heart is racing and I am panicking. I want her to reply, but then I don't. I know she will. It is just a matter of time. It depends on how busy she is.

I completely understand the ambivalence about wanting to hear from her. You laid a lot out there in that email. You were very brave and very honest with your feelings.

Regardless of outcome I think that is always the right thing to do with your therapist. Always.

IMO it may take awhile for her to process that and compose a fitting response. I suspect this one may require more from her than a "more later" thing. Of course, I don't know.

It's hard to sit with anxiety and ambivalence. Panic is especially hard to wrangle down into a manageable thing.

Try to tell yourself that you are okay and whatever lurks on the other end of that email chain is okay too. It's just okay.

This makes complete sense. She will not want to be rushed in her reply.

Thanks for your support. I am trying to work on what she is teaching me about not letting myself go to 'negative thoughts'. I have no real reason to think that she will be upset or reprimand me for anything I sent to her. She never has, so why should I worry about it? That's the point, I shouldn't be worried at all. But I am!

Pouring your emotions and feelings out to someone is not easy to do. Believe it or not, this is very new to me. I know I may not sound like it on PC, but I rarely ever let anyone see things I write/wrote about my feelings. I guess that is why I am in therapy! I stuffed feelings away most of my life and they have come back to haunt me.

She pushes me pretty hard to get my feelings out. She knows that writing is how I do that. Of course, we do talk face to face about them, but she is encourages me to write/journal as well.

SHE RESPONDED! My heart sank when I saw her message in my inbox! Dear God, that sent me into a panic!!

She responded with what I thought she would say:

Squiggle,
Love the emails! Keep it going! Get it out! I will respond more later.
Therapist

Phew~ I didn't sleep AT ALL last night worried about this. I actually made myself so sick that I threw up! Now I think I will take some Tylenol PM and try to take a nice long nap.

You know, my therapist is the best! She makes so mad, but I love her at the same time. I hate therapy so much, but I can't do without it. Therapy is not for the weak person that is for sure. It takes a very STRONG and COURAGEOUS person to go through what we (on PC) go through to try to make ourselves better!

Being so honest and upfront with her the past couple of days was one of the hardest things I have ever done! It was NOT easy to tell her how mad I was at her. I did not, and do not want her (or anyone) to see that side of me. It is humiliating! But I DID IT!!! And I am PROUD of myself!!

You SHOULD be proud of yourself~! You did great!

That's a great little email! Seems like she knows how to provide the reassurance you need. She just sounds like a really good therapist. Now that you've got that reassurance, maybe you can rest a little easier. When is your next session?

Squiggle, I wanted to let you know it was not my judgment that you had disrespected her in an email. Definitely not! I thought you had said in a post that you had done that, and I was responding to what I thought you wrote. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I would not make that judgment myself!

Enjoy that nap--you deserve it! You've sure been on the roller coaster the last couple of days.

It's great that you could come to PC to express what happened and then honestly respond to the posts here! (Don't worry, I won't say the f-word.)

I'm wondering if some of the silence and wanting her to lead has to do with your T being an authority figure. Are you the sort of person who likes to give the "right" answer? Do you want her to lead things because you're afraid of doing it wrong?

Or is it that you kind of want her to be your caretaker and provide for your needs without you asking, maybe? Someone said they worked up to writing notes to their T in person. Could you print your emails, and if you're silent you could point to the part you're thinking about or want from her? Maybe you could do that even if you couldn't speak, and maybe T would see that as you leading and go along with it?

Your emails and descriptions are so thorough and evocative. I'm so glad you shared what happened. I'm glad you're feeling relieved about her email. Have a relaxing Sunday!!

Oh Squiggle, I am glad it worked out well. Enjoy your day,

Squiggle, I LOVE this one! I love how you say she is the best, and how you love her even though she makes you mad......and no, therapy takes strength and courage and there are so many strong and courageous people here on PC whom I admire and respect a lot, including you!

I am glad that I misunderstood you. I was already so worried about being so honest with her. She has been on me for months to "let it out". I guess I did! And she is proud of me as you can tell from her 'mini' response.

She kept talking and talking and talking about anger. This is what I am sick and tired of dealing with in therapy. Of course, she would say, "You have not dealt with this anger. I am not going to ignore something that is obviously causing you so much pain."

It took a very, very long time to get to this point. I guess I sounded like I was spewing venom in my emails to her over the past couple of days. I told her that if she kept pushing me on this anger thing, she may see a very different person emerge. Her response was, "Bring it on! You have got to get this out!"

My next appointment is not until Friday 8th. She is taking off the next week, but my next appointment is Monday 18th. That is a 10 day span. I normally try not to go more than 10 days. I would have a set day each week, but we have to work around her children's schedule a bit.

She does this part time so that she can be there for her kids when they get home from school. She very active in their activities, so we kinda plan around that. I am the only client that she was willing to take for the late afternoon time.

Squiggle,
I just want to say that I love reading your posts because they're so open and full of feelings that are easy for me to relate to. I can see it's been a hard few days for you, but I always click on a post when I see your name and I just wanted you to know!

That is good to hear. Thank you! Many times I feel like I am using PC as an 'open diary' or something. I tell it all. I am 100% honest and raw with it. I tend to forget that others are reading my most intimate thoughts, painful experiences, uncomfortable situations, etc....

I cannot tell you how many times I am tempted to delete a thread because I think I sound stupid or I gave TMI. If I did that every time I wanted to, you would only see about one thread per month from me. It would probably be some sugar coated thing that was totally not worth posting.

I am a nervous wreck waiting on her response. I know it will be all good, but I am always so anxious waiting to hear what she has to say when I have really poured out my emotions/feelings with her. I know she has a lot to process, so I may not hear anything until tomorrow night or Tuesday. I need to stop checking my email! I am becoming obsessed! I want to see her name come up in my inbox, but then I don't!

i know i havnt responded to you thread squiggle .i am scared i have nothing that would be helpfull.and scared i will hurt but i wanted to say that i have been following and am so glad that your T accepted your e-mail and emotions with shch an open heart

I cannot help but ponder why some think that I may be hiding behind emails. Expressing myself in emails instead of using my words in real life or face to face. My thoughts on that? Look at all the famous writers who poured themselves out into best selling novels and other various published materials. I think that a good many of them are probably not ones who would express so much of that openly with at person 'face to face'.

I may be really off on this as I am not one to really do that much 'novel' reading. I have read more poetry and seen how they express themselves so beautifully with written words. Their written words show so much of how they feel. Often times I feel myself drawn into their writings. I feel the pain, the hurt, the joy, the freedom, etc..

I actually think I have the gift of writing. I have written many poems and other random things that I don't share with people that often. Having this 'gift' allows me to have a sense of freedom. Freedom to express myself in any way that I need to. We cannot just walk around and express our feelings onto people! We have to be careful what we say. When I write, I can say whatever I want to. I then choose those I want to read them.

I know that I need to learn to express my feelings and emotions in person. I need to bring those feelings to the surface when in session. Then again, I question why I am 'supposed' to do that? They are my feelings. Why do I need to show them to others? Why can't they be something I keep for myself? We give so much of ourselves away. There are some things that I want to keep for me. Just for me. When I keep these things for ME, I don't have to worry about what I said, how I said it, did it come across as rude? was it mean? was I insensitive? was I overreactive? did I say something dumb or stupid? will they twist my words into something that was not meant to be? do I have a weird expression on my face? am I looking stupid? etc...

Not everyone can express themselves in writing. I feel blessed that I can. Writing flows easily for me. I can pour myself out into those pages. I can get lost in my own little world. Is that bad? Is that hiding? Is that being a coward? I don't see it that way. In addition to seeing this as a gift, I also see it as a way for me to cope. To cope with my emotions and feelings in a safe way. I am not hurting myself, and I am not hurting anyone else.

The relationship I have with my therapist is pretty solid. Yes, I get mad at her many times, but I know she is just doing her job and I can appreciate and accept that. Sending her some of my assignments through an email is working for us. She encourages me to do that. To write out what I am feeling and to go ahead and send it to her when I am 'in the moment".

Yes, I do talk with her openly in our sessions. I do bring in my typed journal assignments. Just because I have written out some things, does not mean that it is easier for me. If you have ever poured yourself out onto paper and had someone read that out loud in front of you, you will know how hard that is for me. I am not in any way taking the easy way out. It is grueling to have her read my most intimate private thoughts. My fears, my sadness, my hurt, my stories.....

I do understand that we don't need to suppress our emotions and feelings. I am not doing that. Before therapy I would NEVER allow anyone to read things I have written. It has taken great courage to allow my therapist to read my words silently, as well as, out loud in front of me. That brings up a lot of emotions and feelings for me. We do talk about those feelings and I do feel them when I am with her. Yes, I do need to feel them more when I am with her, but that takes time. That takes me trusting her more and more. I am learning to do that.

We are all so different. I am one who thinks that I need to constantly be talking in therapy. I need to constantly express myself. Or course, I am silent at times. I need to be quiet and think. That is why I bring music to therapy. I bring songs that touch me deeply and relate to what I am going through at the time. Many times I sit huddled in the floor with my blanket and pillow. I cry. I sob. I squirm like a worm in hot ashes. I can tell you that I am feeling a lot!

She watches me. She studies me. Sometimes she will come onto the floor and sit with me. We do sit together and just listen. Listen to the words of the songs I have chosen. I often print out the lyrics and give them to her. On those pages, I make notes about the lyrics. I write out what I feel about those words. This is my way of expressing myself.

I hope that I never lose this ability to express myself in writing. It is my source of strength, not my way of hiding out. I hope that I never stop emailing and writing things to my therapist. I have addressed this with her to get her take on it. She has explained somewhat of the same things I have said in here.

She tells me that I should not be worried that I may be the only client she has that does this much writing. She tells me that many other clients out there, also do this. I just happened to be the only one she has at the time who is doing it. She says that obviously this is my way of processing and that is okay. Not everyone can pour themselves out onto paper so easily. She reassures me all the time that I am not driving her nuts with emails. As you can tell from the response she gave to me on Sunday, she wants me to do this. She encourages me to do this.

I guess I said all that to say this. I don't hide behind emails or journal writing. It is not necessarily easier to do this. Can I write them out easier than I can say them? Yes, I can. But that does not diminish my feelings at all. This is me. This is who I am. Are we working on me? Yes, we are. Is she trying to change the way I process things? No, she is not.

Does she want me to bring more emotions and feelings into our sessions? Yes, she does, and I will. I will do that in time. I am a work in progress. I will figure all this out one day. I am okay with me at the moment and I actually like that I am a writer. I am embracing this gift and using it to the best of my ability. I do not see this as a handicap. I see this as a stepping stone to reach greater heights.

I also see this as a ladder. I am climbing one rung at a time. Sometimes I feel that I am almost to the top, and I see more rungs to climb. More steps to take. I may be weary and tired. I look up and then I look down. I have to make a choice at that time. Do I keep going? Do I go back down? Sometimes I don't know, so I just stay there for awhile. Maybe that is where I am now. I am sitting on the rungs of my ladder. Asking myself, "Squiggle, what do you want to do? Is this as far as you are going to go? Will you stop here or will you pause to take a rest and then keep on climbing?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I hope I will continue reaching my greatest potential, but I am tired right now. I need a rest. If I don't stop and cling on with all my might, I am going to fall. I better rest for awhile and build up my strength before I take another step. Maybe that is why I shut down last session. Was I resting on the rungs of my ladder?

I knew that I would come to some great revelation sooner or later. I knew all that anger from last session was there for a reason. I have found the answer. I needed to rest. I needed to just be with my emotions and set them free. They were weighing me down and causing me to lose my balance. I am still off balance right now, but I am getting stronger. I am not giving up just yet. I am just sitting on my ladder. Not looking up. Not looking down. Just looking straight ahead.