The WORST Session of my life!!

Squiggle, didn't you say that anger was one of the feelings that she wants you to get in touch with? Because it sounds like you have found it!!

These are absolutely the right feelings. Absolutely no question. And as PG said, nobody here has even met your t- we want to follow your journey, wherever that may lead.

It is really hard to have to be in charge, in therapy. I've spent plenty of hours annoyed about that myself! In time I think you will begin to value the fact that this is the one place in the world where YOU are in total control. It takes a while to get used to, though.

One thing that has helped me is sometimes telling my T what I want him to do, instead of thinking it or alluding to it. For example, I'll say, "I need you to ask me if I did my homework." He asks me just that--no more--so if I want him to push, I have to say it: "I need you to ask me why I didn't do it."

It's definitely a different way of doing things--that's why it hurts and is hard. It's growth, and it's not easy.

You would have to bring that up! This is something that I sent to my therapist via email a few days before my last session:

Do you know what some of my greatest fears are with you? Some of the worst things you could do to me? (1) reprimand or scold me for being brutally honest with you about everything: the good, the bad, and the really ugly (2) terminate me (3) tell me that you cannot work with me anymore (4) give up on me (5) allow me to give up on myself (6) abandon me (7) reject me (8) ignore my cries for help

Therapy is killing me from the inside out! But, I do not want you to stop pushing me to get there. You are going to make me mad and I may not like you sometimes, but I am not in therapy to have you sugar coat anything. (I think I am a glutton for punishment!)

I do not know if I will be able to bring anything into our next session, so I am sending this to you so that you have an idea of what these questions are doing to me. Can you tell that I DO NOT like them? They make me want to SCREAM!

I bet that makes you smile, doesn't it? Knowing that you are pushing me this hard? Knowing that this is causing such an emotional turmoil for me? Isn't that what the questions and assignments are all about? Making me FEEL things? Does it sound like I am FEELING anything? Anger, fear, sadness, hurt, etc... it makes me FEEL alot of things that I don't like to FEEL. I do not know how to handle all these FEELINGS that are taking over. At times, I don't think I can take this anymore. I want it all to stop!

If I didn't send this stuff to you when I am 'in the moment', or 'going through the emotions', they would pass by the time I made it to our sessions and you would never know what I am struggling with.

I have a FEELING that I will shut down in our session. I have a FEELING that I will sit there like a rock! In case I do that, you know why! I wonder if you could do therapy just one time without using the word FEELINGS!!!
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I am feeling rather stupid right now. I am feeling that you guys are right and I am not liking it that you like HER! I am really angry with HER and I kinda like it. Is that not insane? I like that I am SO mad at her. It feels good. I would like to tell her just how mad I am with HER!! She is making me very angry just sitting there looking at me!!

I may send her an email in a few days once I calm down. I would like to tell her how mad and angry I am with her. I think this is something she needs to know before I go into our next session. Did I say 'next session'?? You have go to be kidding me!!! I am actually going to put myself through this again??

I know, you guys are thinking, "YAY! Squiggle. You are doing such a good job expressing your feelings!" To that I would like to say, "SHUT UP!"

But I am not going to do that because deep down I am seeing that what you are telling me is the truth!!! Just let me be mad a little longer, okay?? Like I said, in a strange way, it feels great to be this mad and angry with her. I am going to embrace this anger while I can.

I think I am nuts! I am actually smiling while writing this. It makes me feel good!! What is up with that???

you're welcome!

I've realized that there is in me a kind of perverse pleasure in hanging on to anger. When I try to figure that out, the only thing that comes to me is that finally I have some power or finally I am letting it be known that I FEEL! And feelings make me feel alive and feeling alive feels good. It's just that we can't use only negative feelings to feel alive but they do give us a clue that we need feelings.

Squiggle, you know something? I REALLY LIKE YOU !!!
You are not nuts at all. And yes, I was thinking "YAY! Squiggle. You are doing such a good job expressing your feelings!"

And yes, it is OK for you to say "SHUT UP!"

But we won't 'round here ... because your talking this out is healthy.

You know, there have been times in my sessions when my T would make me so mad... and I told him that... but he would grin from ear to ear with his teeth showing - just like that green icon guy! I really hated him in times like that!!! But he knew he was right. And just like you, so did I. But that didn't stop me from being upset.

What I have learned is that it is OK to have those big anger emotions! It is OK to not be happy about things or with others. It is OK to feel what you are feeling right now in your own way.

I really do like you a lot after reading this post from you just now. Why? Because you were being so aunthentic and real. And THAT is what your T is trying to bring out in you.

Authenticity of the person is far more precious than moving about life trying to please others all the time. It also takes a heck of a lot less energy in the long run. Be mad and rant and rage. You deserve the freedom to do that!

Hell 'ya I had to bring that up! Proud of you Squiggle!

Oh, that was a slap? And I suppose this is two little guys wrestling

Sorry about that! I was meaning to respond to PTSDlovemycats post:

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats
Squiggle, didn't you say that anger was one of the feelings that she wants you to get in touch with? Because it sounds like you have found it!!

I was kidding with CATS about bringing this fact to my attention.

I don't think they are wrestling and I appreciate the hug! I am sorry if I offended you. It was just a mistake in sorting through who said what.

Lol. I am glad that you are figuring some things out.

Ok, whatever!

This is the ONLY place where I am authentic and real. The only place that I feel safe enough to say it. I am not sure that I could ever do this in real life. Others do see me as being very plain spoken. I don't see it because I really don't say what I think. I guess if I did, I may blow them away!

I hold back a lot in what I tell people face to face. Obviously, they see it differently because I have heard all my life that I am plain spoken. I don't know any other way to be. It would be like telling me that I am a brunette when I have been a blonde all my life. The connection just isn't there. My brain tells me I am a blonde, I see a blonde in my reflection, yet others tell me they see a brunette. I don't see her at all. If I saw her, I don't think I would like her. Being plain spoken makes me sound like a mean insensitive person. That would not describe me at all. If anything, I am overly sensitive!

When they tell me I am plain spoken, they are not referring to a person who just tells it like it is with no regard to other's feelings. What they mean is that I say things that alot of people are thinking, but do not have the courage to say it out loud. This still makes me sound like a mean spirited person who is not considerate of others.

I don't know how I got off on all that! Maybe it has something to do with the email I sent my therapist early this morning. Yes, I told her that I was angry with her and told her why. That was one of the assignments she gave me to work on. I went ahead and sent it because I knew if I waited, this anger would pass and she would never have seen this side of me. I would have gone into our next session and acted like everything was just fine!

Now, I will worry myself to death at how she will take it. I know, I shouldn't worry so much about this, but I do. Fear of rejection and abandonment!

Squiggle

Maybe the confusion about 'plain spoken' is just about definition of the word or about degree. You may think that word is about being mean and insensitive but others think of it as being bold and brave enough to tell some things the way they are.

Have you said or done anything in therapy before that had you worried about rejection and abandonment? Or is this the first time? If you're not rejected or abandoned this time, do you think you'll become more confident in your T or will this be an ongoing issue?

This is the email I sent to my therapist earlier this morning. Yes, I was angry, but she TOLD me to do this assignment. She TOLD me to journal my feelings and bring them to our next session. She said she wanted me to be honest and not say, "I don't know why I am mad at you." She then said, "You do know why you are mad at me and you need to express those FEELINGS!"

To my therapist,

(Warning: Anger is talking and this may be a bit ugly. Anger wants to be heard! Please don't stop reading after the first few paragraphs. You may be surprised by the time you get to the end of this!)

I would just like to tell you how angry I am with you. I am so mad at you that I hope I never see you again!! The more I think about you just sitting there staring at me, the angrier I get. The more I think about our last (worthless) session, the madder I get. What a waste of time and money!!

You asked me to think about (explore) why I am mad at you. Okay, I am mad at you because you are not helping me. You are making me do ALL THE WORK!! Most of the time you answer my questions with another (stupid) question! I can ask my own self stupid questions. I can sit in the front of a mirror and feel that someone is staring at me. Why can't you look at the wall, the door, or the floor?

You want me to feel things? I FEEL angry at you. I FEEL mad at you. I FEEL like I am never setting foot in your office again. That is how I FEEL! Is this what you want me to do? Get angry with you? If is it, then you have succeeded. Congratulations!

Another reason I am mad at you is because I have no idea what you are doing. What exactly are you trying to do with (to) me? Where is this going? Why can't you talk more and let me listen to your 'words of wisdom'?

I don't know what I am doing, you are the expert. You are the one who is supposed to be telling me how I can help myself. You are the one who is supposed to be guiding me through this. I do not FEEL that you are! You are just making me sick to death of talking about the same things over and over and over. That is what you are doing. Can we please move on! For crying out loud, can we talk about something else!!

Wow! This is getting it all out isn't it? I hesitated to send this to you, but it feels d**** good to do it! I want you to know how mad I am at you. I want you to know just angry I FEEL right now. That is just plain insane to tell someone that you know you will see in a week, that you are so mad at them that you would like to tell them off to their face!

Lord help, did I say see you in a week? You have got to be kidding me! Why in the world would I put myself through this again? What am I thinking will be any different next time? I already know what we will talk about.

I already know the agenda, so what is the point!! Blah, blah, blah....and I will be thinking, "Will you please SHUT UP and talk about something else. Go get one your books off that shelf and let's pick a different topic for a change! Geez!!! there has got to be something else we can talk about!"

Why do I even bother coming back week after week? "I DON'T KNOW!!!" Does it make you mad when I say that? "I DON'T KNOW" I hope it drives you nuts. That way we are both mad and thinking we are driving each other nuts!!

By Sunday, I will more than likely calm down and come to my senses. Then I will not want to go back and do this part of my blasted homework. I will ignore these feelings and probably not share them with you. Why? because it is being disrespectful. That's why.

At the moment, I don't really care about being respectful. Does this mean I am acting in an inappropriate way? You are confusing me about all this. If I don't tell people that I am angry with them, how am I going to get better? Just go and smash glass plates in the garage and tell the person off while I am doing it?

They would never know how angry I am with them, so what is the point? I am just doing the same thing I have always done. AVOID CONFLICT at all cost! Stuff down these emotions and eat until I make myself sick. You can look at me and see just how much I stuff down emotions. I have an extra 100 pounds of stuffed emotions weighing me down!(Of course, I know that you can't go around telling people off and I would never do that.)

Have you ever gotten so angry that you busted out laughing? The intensity of the emotion was so strong that your brain didn't know what to do? It becomes confused and doesn't know whether to hit something or fall out in the floor laughing!!

I am almost laughing by now because of how insane and ridiculous it is for me to be this mad and angry with you. What exactly have you done to me? I DON'T KNOW! But I am really angry with my therapist right now. I don't like her and I think she is a quack! She is not helping me and I am sick to death of doing the same things every time I am with her. Why can't we do something different!

I posted something with my online support group after we met on Thursday. The subject line read: 'The WORST session of my life!" Within 24 hours that thread has had more than 1200 views. They must have inquiring minds! I guess they are actually interested in what I have to say (rant and rave about). Yes, they are fully aware that I am angry with you.

You know what makes me even more angry? They think YOU are right! They think our last session may have actually been a breakthrough. Breakthrough? What exactly did I break through?

TO MY PC FRIENDS: Don't take this next part wrong. I am NOT mad at you guys. I am just making a point with my therapist. YOU guys are right with everything you told me. I appreciate your support, so don't take this the wrong way. I am being sarcastic about it. I need you to tell me the truth when I have an issue, and I don't want you to jump on my side just because you don't want to hurt my feelings. Thank you for being honest with me. Your input and words of wisdom are so valuable for me to continue on this journey to healing.

Some of my friends had the audacity to say, (1) "Didn't you say that anger was one of the feelings that she wants you to get in touch with? Because it sounds like you have found it!!"

(2) "Based on your description of this session, I think it may have been one of the more "productive" sessions. But those are the ones that feel like the worst."

(3)"You know something? I REALLY LIKE YOU !!! You are not nuts at all. And yes, I was thinking "YAY! You are doing such a good job expressing your feelings! I really do like you a lot after reading this post from you just now. Why? Because you were being so authentic and real. And THAT is what your T is trying to bring out in you."

(4) "I know you probably won't like my answer, but I am being honest. It sounds like you have a therapist who wants to help but she can only do so much and this is upsetting for you and makes you feel angry as you want her to sort things out more and take charge, that's understandable."

(5) "You are very much your own person. I really hope you're not mad, but I agree with your T. She cannot make you do anything. It's all coming from you and you're doing amazing work together!"

They are just making this worse by telling me you are a very competent therapist who has my best interest at heart. I want them to join me in this ANGER party, but they won't let me wallow in my self pity. They actually think you know what you are doing and do your job well. They seem to like you!

Although I do agree with them most of the time, I am still mad at you, so I don't want to interrupt this time of anger and think anything positive about you. That would just ruin this tantrum I am having. I like this anger tantrum. In some strange way it is making me feel good!

I am like, "Yeah, you go girl! Tell her how you REALLY feel! Tell her how mad you are at her. Don't hold back now. What have you got to lose? She may kick you out, but who cares!! You are constantly saying how much you hate going to therapy, so why would that bother you if she terminates you?"

While my online friends are sympathetic to my feelings and understand why I am angry and upset with you, they are telling me to TRUST you. They are encouraging me to keep going to therapy no matter how I FEEL!

Why should I do that? Put myself through misery week after week after week? One thing I do hope to gain from this is to stop eating my emotions and lose those extra 100 pounds. I guess I need to add that to my goals.There I go again. Talking like I am planning to continue on this insane trip with you. What keeps me coming back? I don't know, because I sure don't like you very much right now.

Okay, I bet I did it this time, didn't' I? Crossed the line? Well if I did, then I did. I just wanted to GET THIS OUT!!! This is raw honest truth and isn't that what therapy is all about? Phew! I feel like I just lost 20 pounds writing this all out.

Now I will probably switch to severe anxiety worrying about how you will take this. No, I do not think we should treat our therapists as a punching bag. That was not my intent. I was just doing the assignment you gave me to do.

I felt that by doing it while I was experiencing the emotion would give you a more authentic view of what I FEEL. If I waited to bring this to our next session, I would never have done that. I would realize how 'ugly' and disrespectful it sounds. This would have been deleted and never shown to you.

Client
(aka Squiggle)

Squiggle - I am so impressed with this letter. I love it!!!!!! I am so happy you sent it to her. Yaaaay!!!!

That was nice to hear. I know myself, and I know what I mean when I am writing. But others don't know my personality and make take things like this the wrong way. I am just doing what my therapist wants me to do. She is pushing me to be brutally honest about my feelings. I think I am getting there. I hope she can take it!

If any person in the world claims that they have never felt rage, I would never ever believe them. It is a human emotion that needs to be brought out into the light so we can see it and examine it. By doing that we prevent it from having too much power.

Couple of things: I have such a profound respect for you right now... you've done something I still have trouble doing. Being angry. Hell, even being angry at my therapist is hard (I really never have... I'm just angry at other stuff most of the time).

Your email assignment to your therapist was awesome. Your fears are something I identify with, but if your therapist is any good, she'll be able to take what you've read and be able to help you. I hope your next session is productive, even if you're feeling really emotionally flat and turned off.

Good job Squiggle!

My T is always trying to get me to admit I'm angry with him but I can't. I'm so afraid he would be mad at me for saying it and then drop me. But yesterday I told him how mad I was for last weeks session and I last week I never wanted to see him again. He was beyond thrilled that I said that and said with HUGE smile "wait, don't say anything else. You are mad at me, let's sit with that for a second." He thought it was tremendous growth.

I think your T will be extremely happy with that and commend you for telling her. Great job

BRAVO !!!! What an A W E S O M E e-mail homework to your T !!!!!!!
You know, you just make me like you more and more with each post!

Allowing yourself to BE in the emotion is what this stage is all about for you.
All the stuffing it down can kill you (literally). I have a brother who is a year younger than me. We were both raised in the same home - where physical and emotional violence was the "norm" growing up. I tended to deal with it through dissociation. My youngest brother was totally a rebel and fought back. But this brother was different.

Every time something bad happened, he either laughed it off with a joke, or he fixed himself a sandwich. Everyone who knows him says he is one of the nicest people they ever met. Growing up, I watched how he would hurt as much as I hurt or our other brother, but instead of being able to express his feeling and his anger, he ate and stuffed it away deep inside.

When I look at him now (a VERY heavy man), I see his pain in his eyes and I see that pain hiding behind his smile. Sure, he is a wonderful human and full of love for others, but it hurts me knowing he has so much very rightful anger that he is terrified to have surface. In his case, he is afraid that showing anger will result in him loosing his temper and acting out in the way our father acted out. He is so tender with others that he will do anything to avoid that emotion of anger. Sadly, he is not as far along the path to healing as you are, and I am afraid for his health due to the weight issue.

So that is why I really am interested in being here for you and encouraging you to face what you are facing right now. You have no idea how wonderful it is for me to watch you be able to express yourself with such clarity and honest (yes, if we were in person and you could see my face right now, you would see tears tugging at the corners of my eyes). You are doing the right thing for yourself and that is so wonderful.

You already disrespected her by saying it in an email, so your reluctance to tell her face to face is probably about something else.

I don't think she needs to know it before your session, although you may feel a need to tell her this. I think bringing this up at your session would be soon enough for her to know. She sounds like a good enough therapist that she can deal with what the client brings to session and doesn't need to prepare herself in advance for your anger. You have sent her a great email and told her, and this probably relieved some anxiety in you.

Squiggle, I don't think your T sounds like she is doing anything particularly unusual for a T. She's letting you choose what to talk about. She is giving you space (and silence) in session to feel things and to say them to you. She is not getting angry at your behavior or reacting negatively when you are mad at her. This is all good and standard. She's pretty much going by the book and doing a good job of it. You don't like these standard techniques and have mentioned that your T is getting training in another method: Emotional Freedom Techniques. Do you think you will like and be helped by the methods of EFT more than the techniques your T is currently using? In your email to T, you wrote that you are tired of talking about the same topic in therapy all the time. If you are sick of that, then change the topic! Since she doesn't like to be directive, she would probably like this, right? What would you like to talk about in therapy?

The way therapists assess whether a person is depressed or manic is in part by asking them questions. You asked her if she thought you were entering depression and she started to try to find that out by asking you questions. This is the standard way to assess depression. But when she tried to comply with your request, you got mad at her for asking questions. Seems like there is something bigger going on here if you even get mad at her for trying to do what you ask her to.

You say you want her to set an agenda based on your emails. Why don't you review your emails before session, type out an agenda with a few items, and then hand her the agenda at the start of the session? This might be easier than telling her the agenda outloud--kind of like an ice breaker? What would probably happen if you let her set the agenda based on your emails is that she would undoubtedly choose something from your emails that you didn't think the most important to work on. And then you might be angry at her for focusing on the "wrong" things. Miscommunication! You read here on PC that the therapist does not get the same message from the email that the client wishes them to get, so this could easily happen. Why not make communication easier and tell her what you most want to work on?

Maybe that suggestion is just something that does not hit the mark for you, because I'm wondering if effective communication is important to you now? All this talk of you want her in your face.... Until you resolve that, it may be hard to move forward.

Squiggle, it's really hard for many people to get to that place where they've learned to make use of therapy and the expertise and wisdom and relationship that their therapist offers. (I'm still working on it.) It can take time! You are a year into therapy, and you are putting a lot of effort into it, as evidenced by your posts. You are still going regularly. To me it sounds like you are making progress, even if you don't see it or think therapy is worth it. Maybe if you shake things up a bit in therapy, it would help you move through this frustrating phase more quickly. Could you try to do things differently in some way than you have been? Like how about trying a month of not emailing but doing your expressing of emotion in session? That might help shake things loose. Or some other idea? I wonder if your T might be trying to help you shake loose by changing the frame on you (having therapy a different day each week)? Sometimes even changes like this can help a person break free.

Well, mine does a lot more than sits there. He is very expressive himself and doesn't hide that from me. We have a close relationship so he provides that. And he talks back to me, but he does not initiate the topics or set agenda. When I am silent, so is he so that whatever comes up in me has the space to surface. He gives empathy and positive regard. Gosh, he does so much! Are you sure your therapist isn't doing more than sit there too?

Squiggle, you speak so much about who is right, the therapist or you, and how it seems to you that PC members are taking the "side" of the therapist. I don't see it that way. I think you and your therapist are on the same side. I want to see you have success in therapy too--that's the side I'm on!

Awesome email, Squiggle!!

This is hard to believe, but I am not one who really puts my feelings and thoughts 'out there'. At least not in real life. I worry all the time that I will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make some one mad, offend someone, etc.... I get way too involved worrying about what others are going to think or how they are going to view me.

I have not always 'stuffed' my emotions. I was a very active person that went to the gym on a regular basis. Once my husband became ill and I was to become his full time caregiver, this is when I started eating my emotions. I ate my way to being 100 pounds overweight.

I actually had one of my students ask if I was pregnant with triplets! I had to laugh, but it did make me face reality that I am out of control. I am so ashamed of myself for what I have done.

Here come the tears! I cannot help but cry at the site of myself and what I have become. What you see on here and the venting that I may do, is good for me. It is not intended to hurt or offend anyone. I hope that I am not doing that.

This is my way of letting go of the hurt and getting in touch with my FEELINGS. My raw, brutal, honest feelings. It is said that being overweight is not about what you are eating, but what is eating you. I have been on all the diet roller coasters. Lost and gained the same 50 pounds 4 times in the past 10 years.

Until I get to the core of my hurt and pain, and learn how to deal with it, I will never be successful in weight loss. I am hurting a lot right now. I am a very sad and lonely person in real life. No, others would not see that in me. They see a very successful woman who carries herself well, takes pride in how she dresses, and is a strong woman who is able to work outside the home as well as be a full time caregiver to her husband.

If they only saw me after dark. When I am alone. I am not okay and that is why I am in therapy. I don't like it. She makes me mad sometimes. But I know that in the long run, I will be glad that I did this.

Thank you for supporting me and your words of encouragment. It makes me cry, but it is a good cry.

Squiggle - all of us on PC appreciate so much you sharing your story with us. As you demonstrate the path from resisting 'feeling/showing' your emotions to allowing them to be expressed, you show us that we can do it too.

You have offered us a real life example of the havoc experienced emotionally that working through our s**t can cause. Although there may be some people who find your journey uncomfortable to witness, it is nonetheless extremely valuable for all of us.

The courage you have shown by letting it all hang out is an awe-inspiring example to all of us. I'm sure everyone will join me in thanking you deeply for being yourself and inviting us to be a part of your healing. And by that, encouraging us to be bold enough to dig deeply within ourselves also.

THANK YOU!!!!