The way my T is, email, and a thought

I emailed my T last night, telling her that I was proud of myself for working hard in my session. I said I liked having a "conversation'' with her, and I kept on track with what I wanted to talk about. I said it was a really good session!

The way my T is, is that she changes her mind, at least about emails. I know it's because she wants to help me, and she's genuine in her caring about me. The email situation isn't black or white. She's strict about her emailing me ONLY once each week, but not about limiting the content. I had to laugh when I got her email this morning. She told me she agreed it was a good session, that I took risks to do the work, and that I should pat myself on the back! I wasn't expecting that kind of email though we didn't definitely decide on her sending the same one each week. I can see how that kind of email is okay with her; it's not therapy, it's just validation.

But I wonder: if I had said it was a horrible session, would she have emailed me back something reassuring?

What I'm also thinking is that even this email was a little triggering for me. It brought up the reality of the therapy relationship. I talked about love and loving her, and she thinks of it as "work". To be fair, I said I worked hard, but the way I interpret her saying it is different. I just can't seem to help that feeling creeping in, the "I want it to be real" feeling. Yet I know she has real feelings for me, and what we share in therapy is very real. It must be the borderline part of me that feels a little bit sad about it.

In the session, she brought up that I'm looking at the situation differently. I'm separating from my parts, even when I was upset with her. Part of me knew she accepted me. I never really doubted that. She thinks that's progress.

My point is about emailing. Maybe it isn't the greatest thing for me because even with such a positive email from her, I feel disappointed because she's my T, not anything else. I think I will discuss that with her next time. How can I get over that feeling? Maybe I haven't worked with my child parts enough yet. I'm looking at it more objectively, and wondering how I'm going to solve this. I know her way of doing therapy is helping me, not hurting me. Letting me feel close to her in a more normal way is healing. My other T hurt me, and the ones before that were in between.

I'm not asking anything here, guess it's just more of my writing my thoughts down so I'll have them, and can ponder them. If anyone wants to ponder with me about these subjects, jump in.

Hey Rainbow,

It's good that your thinking about things in a calmer way and trying to be objective; and even realising what hurts is good in many ways too. As you said you can talk to her about the relationship in the next session and I think you will find in doing so you will feel better for at least being able to talk about these feelings.

I think you may be right at this point about the email not always being healthy for you in the sense that at the moment your kind of having paranoid and negative thoughts about even positive statements, which I know you find hard to not do but you have worked really hard to recognise these behaviours in yourself which you should be proud of!

I too struggle with the "theraputic relationship" and how I so wish it was a real relationship, not just her work and my treatment, so to speak. I have even said to my therapist a few times that it feels unfair to use the word relationship because it implies something beyound professional and to me I sometimes feel it should just be called a service, to keep things more clear cut in a way. I have very strong transference feelings for my therapist and wish so much that she was my mum and that she would just emotionally adopt me as her child and to realise this will never happen, that she has her own children and that I am just a client hurts like hell sometimes. I have talked to her about it many times and I have sadly come to believe that the void in me that needs a parental figure may never be filled in the way I need and want it to be. I try to just constantly remind myself of the actual situation and be objective and think about how it must be for my therapist...it's not easy but what i am saying is, is that i think I understand were you are coming from **

It's nice your therapist did respond to your email and wavered from the thought of just sending the same messageto you each week.

xxxx

That is a tough mental place to be in. What do you need to do - what type of rules do YOU want concerning the email?

Rainbow -
I wish I had some brilliant insight for you, but I have my own email issues that I'm still trying to figure out!!

I do want to thank you, though, because your post made me realize something about my own relationship with my T. I have the exact opposite problem from you. I'm so stuck on the fact that my T is my T and that I'm paying her to provide a service, that I struggle to email her even when encouraged to do so. I don't consider her a friend (although there are times I wish she were) and so I have a hard time relating to her as anything other than a business arrangement. It's a weird business arrangement, because I trust her so much and share so much, but the only time I feel okay doing that is during our actual session - when I'm paying for my T's service. I don't feel like it's appropriate to do so outside of our regular sessions. There have been times I've felt a really deep connection to her, but that was always during session, and I struggle to carry that feeling outside of her office (but it always comes back when I set foot in her office). I hadn't really made that connection until reading your post!

I wish there were some way to find a happy medium for both of us! I wish I could move a bit towards your end of the spectrum, and I wish you could move a bit towards my end!

Now that I've had this realization, though, I fully intend to write it in my journal so I can talk to my T about it next week.

Maybe YOU need to set some different rules regarding the email situation? Maybe you're right, it isn't so healthy to be getting them, because it seems that however T answers them, there is something triggering or disappointing in it for you.
The thing is, yes, it isn't a friend emailing you, it's T......and for her, it is work. It may be a loving work and a loving work relationship, but it is still work. And I know that is disappointing to you, to think of love equating to work in this case.......maybe some parts of you need to work more on accepting the reality of the T relationship, that love does exist within the framework, but it's still limited to existing within certain necessary boundaries....
I don't have anything so wise either, because I struggle with the limitations of my T relationship sometimes too.....I mean, I am not wanting her to be my friend, but I wish the word love and the feeling love could be freely expressed is all! So I think that your T is open to the discussion and to helping you accept your love for her is a wonderful thing.....

dizgirl: Thank you. I know you understand! Therapy is so hard when we have the need for our T to be "more than our T". I wish I didn't feel the way I do, but I can't help it and I just have to accept it.

WePow: Part of me wants the way it was for the few emails when my T responded to everything I wrote in a different color. She wanted to do that. She's very dedicated and conscientious. I felt so, so loved when she answered my emails that way. It was the best present I'd had in a long, long time! I know it's black and white thinking, but if she's not going to answer me that way, I'd rather not have any answer at all.

But....I don't like that either. I'd be miserable with no answer. We tried that once already. It's hard to go backwards to "no response" at all. In the beginning I thought I was going to email and tell her when I wanted a response, but somewhere along the way I asked her about that. She said "I'll always respond." So for a while she answered every single email, but then she changed it to only one per week. I wish she would still answer every single email, at least briefly. So I want more than she's willing to give me.

BR: I'm glad my post is helping you and yes, I too wish we could find a happy medium!

poetgirl: I'm too weak/needy to go with no email responses from my T. I have to work on accepting that what she writes is "good enough" for me.
My former T was forever drilling it into me that I had to give up my fantasies about the t-relationship and accept reality. She made me absolutely miserable and it didn't help. I just cried and cried in my car after sessions or after a frustrating phone conversation with her. I'm convinced her methods hurt me though her intentions were good. She was treating me as a "borderline". She even told me that.

My gut feeling is that I will learn to accept the reality of the relationship because I can talk and talk about it with my T. She gives me so much of herself that I usually don't want more. I mean, it's better than with any other T I had. I'm not as frustrated because I don't have to "beg" for affection from her. I am getting a lot of what I dreamed about having from my other Ts, but never knew was allowed, like the hand-holding. That's been the most healing part for me, and we don't even do it so much anymore.

(((rainbow))) You are doing so well with identifying what you're feeling/thinking...I envy that.

Maybe when you figure out what you are missing that you are trying to get from T (and then problem solve that)?

Maybe when you are feeling low about her email response think of this and how she held your hand and was there for you. Many therapists won't even do this. My therapist never touches me by holding my hand, a hug, or even a pat on the back - nothing, even though she knows I crave it because I think shes worried it will make me feel even more for her than I do attachment and dependancy wise. I don't think dependancy from clients seems to be as feared in the usa than it is here in the uk but I could be wrong.

xxxx

Hi Rainbow,
I've been hoping and expecting that this difficult relationship with a t, where I know I'm thinking about the relationship SO much more than my t is, will resolve in me learning how to find those connections better IRL. Sometimes he's shown me how to express my feelings better in a way that translated into real life. And that helped me feel a little less need for t for a little bit. Do you think some of that could (or has) happened with you?

Sorry if you've already posted about that before and I didn't know.

Recently, my T quit giving me hugs in part for the same reason your T never touches you. Because she felt I had, due to my borderline, attached undue importance and intensity to the hugs.....which actually in truth I had done and had gotten way attached to her. It was a huge rupture and hurt badly.....still hurts.
And yet they were so helpful to me and I miss them greatly......but the fact is they're gone forever because T feels it's best for me and for my therapy not to have them. I respect her but feel like she is wrong to say 'never' and it is more hurtful than not in the long run to do it this way........although I do see that without touch at all I have been able to focus better on therapy because I don't feel as attached to her herself.....But I think it would still be OK to have them again someday. Ah well, so as rainbow goes through this struggle with her email/attachment to T/reality of t relationship, it reminds me of my struggle to accept the no-hugs forever policy (although that feels like way too black and white thinking on her part!) and the reality of my own T relationship.

Hey Poet,

I can only imagine this was very upsetting and caused a lot of hurt and probably still does to think about it. Perhaps it would have been better if she had never allowed the hugs than to have given and then taken them away from you, almost like a punishment for the fact you have attachment issues due to your BPD. I have BPD too so I understand that we can get very attached to people and perhaps in some ways our therapists are right to keep strict boundaries but it doesnt stop the sadness at times.

Sannah, I know that I'm missing unconditional love. Maybe that's the whole secret! I still feel good about my session; in fact, I feel better than I've felt in a long, long time!! I am so certain that my T is doing the right thing by letting me be physically close to her. I've craved that; I feel like she accepts all of me, not just my words, but my physical self.

I'm trying to figure out why the session was so good and how I can duplicate that, but I don't know if there's an answer. My T will probably say because I risked more. I also think I was totally present with her and I didn't censor anything I wanted to say. But it was also the way SHE responded to me, with total acceptance. The hug at the end was so nice. I never used to feel comfortable hugging people, but it felt so right with her. I'm sorry if this makes you feel bad, Poetgirl. All my other Ts agreed with yours about not hugging me. My T may be a little innocent and inexperienced but that works for me.

learning: I think it IS happening to me already, where I'm at least holding on to the good feelings I am experiencing with my T, and starting to try feeling them in RL. I've asked my H and friends for hugs; I never used to do that. I'm trying to get some of my needs met in RL. I know it's never going to be as good as it is with my T, but I feel like I'm internalizing her caring. At least after this session, I have this warm feeling inside of me, and it's not making me feel needy, just good. Of course, if someone told me I'd have to quit therapy today, or if something happened to my T, I'd be very very sad. But the feelings inside of me won't ever go away. She's given me so much in just over a year; it's making me cry again.

it is so awsome you are being able to hold on to the good feelings you had with your T.i wish we had some kind of redo or do again butten so we could replicate these really good helpfull sessions

rainbow, it does hurt, but it would hurt anyway......I am not jealous of you at all, just glad you have a T who is doing things differently and it seems to be helping you so much.
since T took away the hugs, I have found it harder to ask others for hugs again or to feel safe asking for what I need.......my husband dismisses my feelings so often and T dismissed a way asking for what I need too, so it feels harder to ask again.......that is on me and I know it but still has come out of what T did in part......
I wish it could be for me again as it was.....but that is not to be so I may as well accept it and quit wishing or trying to find an argument that will convince T to change her boundaries!

i give you big hugs

thank you, granite, I needed them, you don't know how much!

WOW, THAT'S GREAT Rainbow!

granite, I also wish we had a "redo" button to be able to replicate the really good sessions. I wish I could bottle it up. But my T will say "those feelings live inside of you, and you can access them any time." I know her so well by now that I know that's what she'll say!

poetgirl, I wish your T hadn't taken away the hugs. Have you told her it makes it harder for you to ask others for them, and to ask for what you need? I think that is very important for you to discuss, not to get her to change her mind, but to work on those feelings. Does she know how bad you feel about it? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm surprised at the way my therapy is; I'm still in awe that my T does things I thought weren't "allowed" in therapy.

You, know, one of my former Ts told me that most Ts do not touch their clients, and she discouraged me from looking for one that would. It's not the generally accepted practice, for those with BPD or not, she said. I know that's not going to make you feel any better, but I thought I would point it out. I hope you will accept my hugs too.

thank you rainbow......you didn't make me feel bad; I just still feel bad about the whole thing in general! and I am glad for you in what you have in your T! I didn't mean to detract from your thread here either with my comments, sorry.
yes, I do keep bringing things up with T about the whole thing.......I haven't been able to discuss much though about how I don't feel so much like asking others for hugs or for what I need because I feel so burned still by what T did, but I think she realizes how I feel in some ways from what I have been able to say/write....
yes, she said she generally doesn't touch at all either, except for hugs after emotional sessions.......I don't know why, she doesn't seem to either, she was allowing me hugs after most every session when she hadn't done that for others. And now I don't even get them after intense sessions like others can......I wish she would just allow me to be under the same policy as others and still have that occasional hug if a session was intense! Why do I have to be treated differently......in the opposite extreme as I was before?! that is the sticking point for me......oh well.