[skysblue]

It's true - my T is perfect... well, obviously not. She's great, she's helped me so much, I really do trust her... well, I guess not 100%.

You see, a few months ago I felt something from her. I felt she disapproved of me. She didn't say anything and it wasn't anything obvious. Then a few weeks later I called her on it. And she admitted that she was irritated by my behavior.

But she added that that's what one needs to learn in RL is that someone can be irritated and it doesn't have to damage the relationship. She explained it so well and I agreed with her and felt that all was forgiven by her and by me.

But I'm going to real 'dangerous' places with her now and this incident has popped up in my head and now I'm feeling scared of moving forward because she might disapprove of me again.

Has anyone experienced such a thing and if so, how did you move past it?

Other than that one little incident, she has been great.

[Hope-Full]

I know my T has gotten annoyed with me before - she's said so! It was great to discuss and helped me see that even a paid professional can be irritated by my behavior. It helped me see a glimpse into why people who choose to be around me might get annoyed by me!

It really startled me at first, when she said it, but the next session when we processed it, I was actually quite happy with the way things went down. I learned a lot, and as that was months ago and she is still my T? I think it was one of those mirroring things or whatever tools Ts use to help stubborn clients like me see we things can impact others.

[WePow]

Yes. I did have something happen in session with my stuff where the anger was too intense and was directed at my T by a very angry alter part of me. Usually the pain is self inflicted or emotional, but not anger towards T. He got this look in his eyes and shut down emotionally somehow that I could feel but it was the end of session, so he just said bye.

The next day I was in a very bad spiral and I reached out to him, but there was silence. The following day I was in even more agony and I wrote him an email asking if I could see him after work. He was silent. So I drove by his office and his car was the only one in the parkinglot. I sat out there and cried but he didn't come out. I was too afraid to go in because I thought he may have been in session.

When I got home a few min later there was an email from him - sent at the time I was in his parkinglot - so I knew he didn't have a client. But the email did not say to come see him. It just was bland and said "We can talk about things when you get back from vacation." UGGG!

I left for vacation the next day and was in total misery (that was last year BTW).
I wrote him but he was silent. I was in so much stress that I just could not take it and I felt he was not happy with me at all. I asked him if he was mad at me but he was silent.

After two days of silence, I finally wrote him and said "I am very sorry for my behavior towards you in the last session. Being emotionally disconnected from you is very painful. Please write me back to just tell me you forgive me. I need you in my life as my T and am very upset with myself for what happened."

He wrote right back and told me to not worry about it, that he did forgive me, and that he hoped I had a good rest of my vacation - to relax and enjoy myself.
I was SO relieved!

But I did make a huge mental note of it to myself that he had boundaries. I felt bad because I knew there was no way I could get to that part of me with him though. And I didn't understand how he got hurt because he knew it was an alter who was very damaged.

A few months later, we were talking in session and he mentioned that his mother would fly into a rage and yell at him for no reason at all. Then it hit me! I had triggered him big time!!!

Understanding this about my T helped me realize what had went so wrong that day.
Because I understood his trigger and saw how my actions reminded him of his mom, I was able to let myself put that aside. The value of the theraputic relationship was worth more to me than my fear of his responding from me triggering him.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

[Indie'sOK]

My T has never said anything like this, but I do wonder if she feels this way now that I've read this thread. I'm going to ask her about it during our next session. I think I would have a hard time accepting it if she did say yes, though. In my mind, irritation parallels anger, and my T doesn't seem like an angry person. If I hear that she's irritated by my behavior, I might get to thinking that it means she's angry with me.

I'm beginning to realize something here...subconsciously I want to appear as a "perfect" person in her eyes. Part of me doesn't want to reveal my annoying, bratty, irritating side. Obviously I can't be perfect - I know that. But inside, I don't want my T to think badly of me at all.

Probably dumb. Anyways, I hope you are able to move past this. Maybe talk with her about your fear of her disapproval?

[dismantle.repair]

Seems like almost every session I've had with mine, she gets frustrated with me.
Now, this woman is brilliant- her insight is marvelous, but I could be quite biased of course.
However, she FRUSTRATES me. Which I guess is to be expected.
I think I frustrate her too. I actually am quite certain of it.
She hates the way I shrug things off when I don't want to talk about it, she hates when I don't want to answer her. The woman isn't all that patient for a psychotherapist lol.
She doesn't try to hide it either. :P
But at the end of the day, she's been there... and I feel like I could trust her, which is a big thing for me.

My T, who I just LOVE, has gotten irritated and angry before. I did something phenomenally stupid last week, and it made her upset. She said I needed to toughen up and deal. But I didn't really mind that she said it... she is right! And 1 night when one of the insiders (alters) was wanting to go home and cut, she was like, You will NOT go home and do that!! I'm gonna get BOSSY with you NOW...you go home and go straight to BED!

she just does it because she cares. and sets boundaries.
when my old T used to say something like that, it devastated me to no end. But this T-- I know she loves me and that if she gets frustrated or upset with me, she's not going to stop caring, and in 5 minutes all will be well again.

[skysblue]

Well, one of my major issues is not wanting anyone to be mad at me so to have my T annoyed with me is a big deal.

I left a message with her telling her of my concern about that incident in April. Since I have just promised her that I will be as honest as possible, I had to confess my worry. It is tough for me to be so honest but I am so motivated to get out of my old patterns of behavior that I've become willing (I guess) to risk more painful emotions that may result by 'confronting' my T.

Session's not until Wednesday so I get to be nervous for 3 more days. Ah, ain't therapy grand?

[laceylu]

Yes I believe I have pushed a few buttons in T to cause irritation. My first T that is, my new T not yet. My anorexic behaviors were not pretty and I understand her irritation with me. I could have really harmed myself. Looking back on my behavior 20 years ago, I am actually lucky she did not discharge me from her services.

T has been frustrated with me, and he actually did get angry at me once. And like you, my BIGGEST trigger is someone being angry at me.

It was actually a really good learning experience...that someone can be angry at still love me, that they can experience that (valid) emotion and not use it to hurt me, that we can get angry at each other and move on with no left over resentments.

It's a good thing to talk about if you're feeling scared of it, for sure.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by treehouse

And like you, my BIGGEST trigger is someone being angry at me.

Same here...ugh

[skysblue]

Well, I am so interested how my T is going to extract herself from this trouble she got herself into. I'll have to wait until Wednesday to find out how she pulls herself out of this mess.

[nicoleb2]

My T was just irritated with me after a session two weeks ago. I did something really stupid in my session, and I knew she was irritated. I was really worried about going back last week.We talked about it for the whole session last week. My T is the only one I really talk to about anything important, so the whole situation terrifies me. I am worried that she will still be irritated this week. I am afraid to say anything

[crazycanbegood]

My T gets frustrated with me ALL the time, ALL the time. I also get frustrated or angry with her. Sometimes I am scared that she'll begin to hate me but she says that the negative feelings are transient. She chooses to see the entire me rather than the behavior that's upsetting her. I appreciate that! She must often strive to see the good in me.

Don't worry about your T rejecting you! They know what to expect and how to respond and/or cope.

Oh once my T told me that I have said some things that would normally turn her off but for some reason she still feels very connected to me. That was several months ago. She has since told me she loves me. It'll work out, Sky! If anything, your T will be very happy that you were brave to share difficult things with her.

[mixedup_emotions]

I can very much relate to the fear and hesitation....I recall a few times when my T has been upset with me. Instead of practicing what he preached, though, he reacted in hurtful ways...once, even threatening to discontinue working with me. Another time telling me that he wouldn't hesitate to tell my daughter I was dumb.

Afterwards, I felt it was very important to address these things with him - and both times, he admitted that he was feeling desperate with me...and was trying to get through to me. I told him that it would've been much more effective if he would've just shared how he was feeling - as opposed to reacting in such ways.

Once I addressed it with him, I felt powerful...instead of hiding my fears and concerns, I took that step forward...

Even though we've talked through it....I still find myself hesitating to tell him certain things, for fear that he will react as he did those times....

Your post has me thinking....that perhaps when I have this fear, I need to address it with him - so that we can come to a clear understanding on both sides....

I am glad that you're raising this with T....

[elliemay]

Irritation is not the same as disapproval. I get irritated by itchy wool, but in no way disapprove of it.

One thing to keep in mind is that, yes your therapist has some work to do here, but you've got some too. You got to be able to let her pull herself out of this mess.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship when two people are involved. People get irritated, disappointed, upset and sometimes just outright angry with each other. Your therapist is exactly right, it doesn't spoil anything at all. It's just the way it is.

It's about fighting into and not away from the relationship.

[lastyearisblank]

Is the original thing (that you had a fight over) still an issue? Or is it over but it was the fact she got mad?

I struggle with this as a client... I frustrated my T on a few occasions and it's very obvious that she is frustrated with me. And for me, that's just not ok. That's 'bad'. It's not ok for someone to get angry with me, they may leave me, and it wipes out my worthiness. It was part of the big rupture.

We talk about it. How I get frustrated with her, too. And that it doesn't mean that I'm going to bail, or think she's horrible, or any of those things. It's just an in the moment feeling. A personal thing. An "I feel helpless to do something".

Sadly my T uses my experiences as a T against me. Do I get irritated with clients? Yes. Does it make me value them any less? No. Most of the time the irritation is because of something inside of ME. I am tired, or feel helpless, etc, etc, etc.

Talk about it with T. Remember, we're human. We feel all those emotions everyone else has, and the way we handle them is to work through them together.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Is the original thing (that you had a fight over) still an issue? Or is it over but it was the fact she got mad?

It's over. All I did was listen to 30 seconds of music while entering her office. I was feeling very emotional and was trying to soothe myself and also hoping that she could somehow 'enter' my space by seeing that I was desperate for connection.

One of the things she had been trying to get me to do is get in touch with my emotions. That has been difficult for me and this was a way for me to tap into them.

Instead I felt that my feelings were too much and I immediately pulled myself back in. Remember, she didn't do or say anything at the time but I'm very sensitive and could feel her disapproval.

It was a couple of weeks later when I called her on it that she said she was annoyed with me and that she thought I was behaving like a belligerent teenager.

That hurt.

[rainbow8]

Good luck on Wednesday, skysblue. I can see why yo u're hurt! Our Ts have the power to hurt us badly and I'm not sure they always realize it.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Good luck on Wednesday, skysblue. I can see why yo u're hurt! Our Ts have the power to hurt us badly and I'm not sure they always realize it.

Thanks. I just don't understand how she could have gotten irritated. It makes no sense to me. It's not like I did anything outrageous.

Aren't T's supposed to meet us where we are and work with us there? And if they are trying to get us to open up to them and allow ourselves to become very vulnerable, why in the heck would they get annoyed when we finally make that leap?

It is probably going to be the main thing we discuss Wednesday. It's funny how the relationship with T keeps 'bumping' discussion of other issues. But, I also understand that my issues come out in therapy with my T and so it's a chance to address them in a safer place than RL.

In RL I would probably never initiate a discussion with someone who hurt me that way. I would just retreat and keep my distance emotionally. But since I promised T that I will now try to be as honest as possible with her, no matter how scary, I am compelled to bring it up.

[lastyearisblank]

Oh that's mean! Obviously she was feeling ignored and was annoyed it was going to take effort to get your attention. There is a much much much nicer way to model and communicate it if she didn't like you wearing headphones. I think it's expecting too much when a T puts their raw feelings out there and wants the client to sort it out. That would make me feel very pressured, directly or indirectly.

[KazzaX]

My therapist got irritated at me many a time. I can understand it because I am the Queen on Passive-Aggressive in my sessions, lol. Not sure why, but anyway. I figure therapists are human beings too so they are going to get a bit shirty every now and again, especially when they are dealing with transferrence like mine, which is very negative.

I treated her like any other human being really. She is a therapist, not a superhuman, godlike person, in my opinion. Except I had limited sessions and the few that I could afford (after the free ones ran out) were very expensive. So when she got shirty or went silent (and its extremely obvious when they are irritated ofcourse), I told her off. I figure, I am not paying $200 bucks an hour for someone to sit there in silence (or get offended and lay off the treatment), and I basically just told her that exact thing. Sometimes, if she was really irritated and it was really obvious, I ended the session.

So there are many ways to deal with it really. She is a human being, she is not emotionally invincible like they would like us to believe. So we have to deal with these things like we would do with any other person. But we have to keep in mind the money thing, because it ain't cheap! The textbook response would be "talk it over with your therapist" but I have seen from experience that it doesn't really help much, and it does egg on your anger a lot when they deny that they are irritated.

Technically (from what I've read) you are supposed to work on it with your therapist, because these are issues from your childhood flowing through. So if that is doable, that would be good, you might as well give it a crack.

[skysblue]

Perna, my T hadn't shown any overt irritation nor had she said anything at the time. I am extremely sensitive and can read people pretty well. It was only later when I mentioned it that she admitted she was irritated.

I don't think it's helpful to try to change our behavior necessarily in therapy when the goal is to do what it takes to get in touch with deep emotions. It's not like I did anything really extreme. I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and it makes no sense to me why she was annoyed by that. (again, she showed no overly overt demonstration of her feelings)

She made no suggestions on how I should change my behavior. I really really try to do what my T suggests. I see her as my guide and my teacher and I am very open to trying things that are very uncomfortable for me. She even comments on how hard I work and that I'm her hardest working client.

In the message I left her I did ask her to tell me what behaviors annoy her and I will definitely adjust myself. I didn't want to pop this concern of mine on her without her having time to ponder how she'll respond.

And, of course I'm paying attention. I really really want to learn from this and understand what I should be doing and how I should be behaving and how much I can trust her.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Oh that's mean! Obviously she was feeling ignored and was annoyed it was going to take effort to get your attention. There is a much much much nicer way to model and communicate it if she didn't like you wearing headphones. I think it's expecting too much when a T puts their raw feelings out there and wants the client to sort it out. That would make me feel very pressured, directly or indirectly.

Actually, she wasn't mean at all. Like I mentioned earlier, she barely showed a response. I just can sense things very well.

And when she admitted she was annoyed, she did it in the nicest way a person can say that. I actually felt very good at the time and was surprised how well I took it. But, even after all these weeks, it's still eating at me. My session Wednesday feels like a make it or break it kind of session. Either she can really convince me that I can take risks with her or she won't.

[skysblue]

Am I really having too high expectations of my T? Maybe I'm way off-base. What do I say to her on Wednesday?