Pushing Ts buttons

Yes, a therapist needs to show a client how their behavior affects others. Actually, in this case I think that it would be very helpful because it can get you, Rainbow to take some focus off of your needs and see how they fit into the bigger picture.

Where are you Rainbow?

Rainbow,
I cannot assume what buttons your T was referring to, but I can imagine that after sharing everything she has shared with you, it just does not seem like enough for you. Your T sounds very patient. She also shares quite a bit with you, but it is never enough. You want more info and you need a lot of reassurance. Making a list of everything she has shared with you--why did you do that? Can you let go of control and allow this relationship to unfold naturally? Trying to pull more and more information from her seems forced and uncomfortable, more like an obsession rather than a real desire to get to know somebody. With the way things are online these days, everybody looks up everybody. It's the way it is. So what? When you are with somebody, respecting boundaries and requests is important. That's the giving you need to do in this relationship. Just because a therapist is trained to pay attention and focus on you does not mean you should not do some giving of your own. That giving is accepting what your T is willing to share and not always pushing for more. It is accepting the limits and boundary she has about physical contact and not pushing for more. It is at times accepting the responses your T gives you and waiting until you see her again to discuss it, not having to have immediate answers over the phone or email, but being willing to sit with a little of your own discomfort until you see her again---some of that discomfort is good as it will help you grow.

I hope you are letting these responses in and not pushing them away, which I know is a temptation.

Rainbow, I imagine that the responses in this thread may be very confronting for you, and may even be causing you some distress. I think the feedback is very important for you to take in, though. I hope you are able to find the courage to return here.

Edited to add: Sometimes it is through facing the discomfort, pain and inner turmoil head on that we can find the courage to change old patterns. It can be more tempting to turn away from it and wait for it to die down or go away, but ultimately that doesn't help us create meaningful change. The PAIN is what our behavior patterns protect us from. By facing the pain, and dealing with it, we have the opportunity to heal it and thus remove the need for the behavior that protects us from it.

Sometimes I think we humans feel like we have to find a way to relieve pain as soon as possible, but in doing so we remove the trigger that lets us know something is wrong. Sometimes it is only through facing it, feeling it and examining it that we can heal its source.

Don't run away, Rainbow!

I think it's so important to remember that Ts are people. Everyone has their own biases and their own perspective on things. Ts are trained to have boundaries with their clients to make sure their own stuff doesn't interfere with a client's progression.

I think a lot of people with mental health and trauma issues did not get proper parenting growing up and therefore the concept of boundaries is either blurred or non existent. I know with my son I often have to correct him or intercept his actions so he can be safe and learn self control. I kind of see Ts as doing this also. They point out our behavior so we can recognize what is appropriate and what needs to change, this helps us to grow into healthier people. It sounds to me like your T really cares, and the fact that she has shared so much of herself with you should be evidence of that.

I've been away from my computer but I haven't run away from this thread. It seemed to go on during my absence anyway. I learned a lot from the replies and will comment in separate posts since I don't know how to see the pages all at once to post, if that makes any sense.

sunrise: No, I don't think it was asking my T for reassurance that she still cares was pushing her buttons. I think it is more to do with wanting more from her and nothing being enough, that makes her frustrated with me. Or, maybe she meant because I know she doesn't like me looking up her family. But you're right; I have to ask her, and I will.

emptyspace: No, I don't want to annoy or irritate my T. Thank you for posting the definitions of "pushing someone's buttons." I am going to try to talk about what I want from my T instead of acting on it. The last thing I want to do is to make her dislike me.

geez: thank you for understanding.

tigergirl: I hope to to discuss it and find out answers at my next session.

Dr. Muffin: I think what you said is accurate. I know my T tries very hard to help me and all I do is get angry with her for not telling me all about her private life.

hankster, I haven't taken DBT formally and I don't know where the worksheets are either. If you find yours and want to share it with me, I would like that very much! Thanks.

Luce: I sort of see your point, though I'm not sure if it's wrong for a client to call a T and ask for reassurance that the T isn't giving up on her. Is it? I see that I may be putting her on the spot but I thought she wanted to know my feelings. I thought that was the point of therapy.

All of my Ts have told me something like the above. It's the way I feel, so is there any solution? My T is trying to build up my Self so I won't want or need her so much. She's trying to get my child parts to tell their stories of not getting loved enough and teaching me how to love them. She's trying to use EMDR to change some of the patterns. If what you quoted is true, then is it hopeless?

MUE: Yes! I feel horrible that my T doesn't like something I've done. Now I remember her saying that she isn't perfect, in my session. I don't know when she said that. She's always been so super nice that it feels very strange to have her angry or annoyed with me. It makes me feel awful! I want her to like me again.

Stumpy: Yeah, you got my fantasy down pat. I know it's pathetic and dumb but it's the pattern I've lived with forever. I don't know why. No, of course I don't do the same with my other medical care providers and I don't have a plumber. But, NO. Only Ts right now though other people in the past. When I share the intimate details of my life and my emotions with a T, it makes me attach to them and want what I quoted. There must be something wrong with my brain and my T is trying to help me. I agree with you but I don't know how to stop.

I don't think I've gotten so many hugs in this thread. It is NOT making me feel better so I don't think posters have been enabling me at all. What they are doing is pointing out my problem that I already know and telling me to stop. Just flip a switch and presto, I don't have these wants any more. I WISH it were possible to do that!

Rainbow I truly think you should talk to your T about this as all the replies to your original post would have me doubting myself. No it is not hopeless...it sounds like your T has a plan and you have begun working that plan. Plans take time. Maybe slow down on the reassurance asking??? You know she is there if she has a problem something I am sure she would tell you. Or when you talk to her about you pushing her buttons ask her if she would tell you when there is a problem. However in doing that you need to be willing to accept and honor those boundaries...and that most Ts set boundaries to help the client. I dont know you very well so take it or leave it...hope it helped.

Sannah: The infant is always crying and wanting to be held.

Hopeless? No way!! Hard, dedicated work? Certainly.

I think it's about focusing on what you DO get and ARE getting from T, and zone in on ways she is meeting your needs. If you constantly look at what they cannot give you or what she has to deny you because of ethics, you will feel disappointment and rejection. Both of you fail that way... I would much rather you look at the gains.

I have had clients make a "scrap book" of all the things they HAVE gained from our work together. Positive moments. Connection. Any transitional objects. Positive affirmations in session, etc. And when you feel sad/upset about what you don't have, you have some thing physical to pull out and see what you DO have with your T and how wonderful your relationship is, even with its boundaries.

ECHOES: thanks. I'm going to discuss it all with my T and I hope something productive will come out of that discussion.

MELISSA: thank you. I am going to try to honor my T's boundaries from now on. I want her to trust me the way I trust her.

Butterflying: Yes, I need to adhere to my T's boundaries now that I know for sure she doesn't want me to look up stuff about her family. That is going to be VERY hard for me. I made the list of what she's told me because I thought that SHE thought she only told me minimal information. I wanted her to know that was incorrect. I know she's not stupid, but I thought maybe she FORGOT what she told me. I was angry and lashed out at her in my email. I shouldn't have sent it.

Just remember rainbow she can tell you all day long but ultimately it is her actions that will tell you she is there. Just remember it may not be on your terms but she will always be trying to show you she cares by helping you heal and grow. When in doubt check it out...meaning ask the people you trust here or IRL. Ok stepping down off the soapbox.

Luce: I didn't stay away from the thread because of the pain of facing it, though upon reading the responses I feel kind of sad. I think I will have to face the pain that my pattern has caused me and continues to cause me. Thank you.

zbmom: Yes, I know my T cares a lot about me. I have to respect her boundaries. I owe that to her for how much she goes the extra mile for me.

you're never going to be able to switch off your emotions, but can get to a point where you experience your emotions without being overwhelmed by them.

i think your therapist gave you a gift. she is obviously invested in your treatment and your therapeutic relationship. if she thought you were to fragile or incapable of handling it, she wouldnt have told you what she did. hopefully, you can start to trust the relationship and let things progress naturally....

There are feelings and there are behaviors. I think it would make your work with your T go more smoothly if you controlled the behaviors that are causing problems (e.g. boundary crossings, demands for more than she can give, sending the list of what you know about your T to prove she is wrong, etc.), and then when you have those in check, work on the feelings. I know that behaviors are not the whole story, but at least if you stop doing the ones that are causing the problems with your T, then the two of you can focus on working on the feelings through EMDR, IFS, etc.

I think focusing on behaviors first might be a good direction for another reason too--it is "simpler" (although not necessarily easier) because it is not as prone to your analysis, e.g. asking questions like why is this behavior not good? why is T bothered by it? does this mean she doesn't like me anymore? does this behavior mean I missed out on something as a child? etc. Without analyzing and questioning, just focus at first on stopping the behaviors that you and your T agree are impeding therapy and harming your relationship. Later, when you work on the feelings part of this, you can ask all the questions and do more analysis. But keep the behavior part safe from that type of inspection, at least for now.