Managing the In-Between

Hiyas,

I was just wondering how you guys manage in between sessions, when at the last session you covered very painful stuff.

We covered painful stuff last session and the therapist says I need to "sit with it" until the next session. My boyfriend is about to dump me because of it (anger making me treat him like crud), I get angry over everything, and I am generally acting like a psychopath and having very violent urges (which I will not act on, but it takes all of me to hold it in). I am very mean to anyone I talk to. I'm sure if I had friends they all would have left me, with me acting like this. Everyone I come in contact with, I wish them death.

I never felt any feelings before and so this sort of excrutiating pain, hate and anger are new to me. The therapist says most mentally healthy people feel this stuff as well, but they can ignore it because they have a lifetime of feeling it, so they just pay it no notice. It has taken over my life this past week and I still have to put up with it for another week until I see her. And then when I see her again she will dredge up another bad memory and it wil be the same, except NEXT time she is going away for 2 weeks so I will have to sit there and fester in it for 2.5 weeks. Apparently if you feel this excrutiating pain continuously over a long period you become numb to it, and that is what we are doing.

How the heck do I get through this????????? I am going mad and I cant stop thinking of wanting to make people bleed and suffer. It is unacceptable to me to continue like this for months, perhaps years, until I become "numb" to it. What do I dooooo? I am going insane.

Oh, I should add that I have been trying to distract myself like crazy but it doesn't work in the slightest, no matter what I do. And contacting the therapist is out of the question because it is not the done thing - contacting them between sessions is frowned upon at her practise. I asked her how I was supposed to deal with this and she basically said I have to wallow in it and "sit with it" until next week. Aaaaaarghhh

There's no easy answer, the anger and negative feelings are there whether we work on them in therapy or not, so I guess on some level you were effected anyway.
It said that its harder for those who are partners of people in therapy becaise they haven't anyone to help them with all what's going on.
I'm a few yrs into therapy now and have been where you are currently, except my husband never issued threats, he had enought sense of his own identity to take care of himself when going through the worse. I am able to contain my feelings better now and have enought of the process to support me when between sessions. I use to journal a lot in the beginning which was a great help.

Yeah, I would say that the negative feelings were always here but I had them all nicely filed away in my subconscious... I was a huuuuge intellectualization person. The effects were a lot less painful than now (but ofcourse not dealt with) and were probably the cause of my 19 year severe depression. But to get rid of the depression I have to "deal with" these feelings, which apparently means wallow in them until i become numb to them. I think that is the general idea from what I can gather.

My boyfriend isnt threatening to leave, I am just treating him like the scum of the earth because quite frankly, in this mood, I wish everyone was dead. With a lot of pain and suffering thrown in there. lol.. sounds horrible.

How long (if you dont mind me asking) did you have to wallow in your feelings until you became numb to them? I don't mean specifics.. I mean was it months, or years or decades? And how did you deal with the urge to just grab a knife and go at the next person walking down the street (or something of this nature - that is probably unique to my specific situation lol). I have been sleepnig as much as possible but I can only manage about 18 hours a day.... its those other few hours that I cant sleep, that I sit here festering and boiling and fuming, and it seems to be getting worse each day.

I write and write and write. I got a journal specifically for therapy stuff, and it was good to spend time picking out just the right journal and pens and deciding on a "format". Just the setting up process alone got me through 1/2 a day, which was a productive time-killer between sessions. What it does now is get a lot of the mess out on paper so it doesn't leak into my friend's laps as much.

I lived with those feelings of wanting to kill humantity, it took about 4yrs of therapy before It becmae managable. How long did I "wallow"? Oh that was a learnt behavouir and like all the other issues took a good 4 to 5 yrs also. I could twll you to "think" good thoughts, fake it till you make it crappy stuff lol, but my feelings demanded to be treated seriously and none of that numbing stuff worked. There does come a point where you have to become responsible for yourself and rmember we all want to be treated as we would like to be treated ourselfs and we do make choices on how we react to our feelings whether we wish to admit to that or not.

My T and I have spent a lot of time learning coping strategies for when the feelings come up before prodding too deeply - it may be because my T treats me gently (I have rather destructive coping strategies) that we have spent time looking at ways to deal with things inbetween sessions and although my T doesn't encourage inbetween session contact, he has told me to call if things get too bad to cope with.

I am not sure if I am with the fact that everyone experiences feelings the same as everyone else (but I am no expert ). I think there is evidence to suggest that some people do feel things more deeply. My T hasn't said that I would become numb to feelings, but that I would learn to sit with them and not be overwhelmed by them - I have come from a place of feeling numb and that is not nice either.

In answer to your question of what I do - I keep a journal, sometimes I write a long email and just send it to T to get it out of my head, I go for brisk walks - joined a gym for a while which was really helpful in getting the tension out (I think sometimes the tension can be related to adrenaline and a good way of getting rid of it is exercise). I bought a puppy, I try to practic mindfulness, do things that may be soothing, hot baths, weekly yoga class - I think there is a link on here somewhere about grounding techniques and I find them helpful if my head is all over the place.

Take care - Soup

Ya that is true. I am hoping I will learn to make appropriate choices on how I react to my feelings later on down the track. At the moment its just blinding rage and my only choice is "KILL AND MAIM" or "don't kill and maim" haha. I am trying to stick with the latter. I wish the therapist would have given me some hints as to how to "work on" or "work through" these feelings but she said "only you know how to do that", which I do not. Dictionary.com only gives so much information. But I just keep reminding myself that for 30 seconds of bliss, I would also acquire a lengthy prison sentence and that would definitely not be pretty! Feelings would be the least of my worries in that situation.

That is a good idea Elli-beth, about the journal. I will try it when I wake up and am fresh, and the craving to KILL AND MAIM is not so strong. Thanks!

Thanks SoupDragon! I will definitely try out some of those things you suggest. My therapist probably intended to say something similar to yours, about sitting with the feelings etc. I also found a thing about putting an elastic band on your wrist and pulling it riiiight out and letting it snap back against your wrist. That seems to work ok if I keep doing it over and over for a while. Then when I get angry again I go at it again. Something about pain that helps.... twisted but hey at least it does the job. Better than the alternatives, thats for sure haha.

Soup gave you a good list of some coping strategies (healthy ones) to try. My list includes (some overlap with hers):

1. Journaling (number one way to articulate my feelings, including of the killing and maiming sort);
2. walks with my dog, preferably in as natural a place as possible, away from roads and traffic
3. Cooking, especially soups with lots of chopping, stirring, and then a h ealthy meal to share afterwards with my H
4. Reading
5. Going out to the movies or a meal with a friend
6. Knitting (you'd be surprised how much fun you can have with sharp pointy sticks
7. spinning (of the yarn making sort, my wheel and the feel of the natural fiber in my hand is hypnotic)
8. organizing something-- my closet, my kid's closet, the basement pantry, etc.

Also-- it is still under your control how you behave towards your BF. Being triggered is not an excuse to be nasty to the people you love. How about asking for support? Want him to hold you? Tell you a funny story? Watch a movie with you? Ask for what you want. He might actually be able to help you through this, but not if you mistreat him. It's your choice how you talk and act towards him.

Anne

I agree with the journaling idea. When I am dealing with tough stuff in sessions, I find that I need to let out lots of feelings in words and pictures. I try to designate a time each day to do it, like in the afternoon, after work but before socializing. I had a lot of hang-ups about what I was "allowed" or "should" do in my journal, but when I gave myself to permission to do whatever I needed, I could really release my feelings. Seriously, I would crayon 10 pages in a row black or write hateful things to my abuser for a dozen pages in a row. I did it for MONTHS. Now I only need to do it sometimes. Safe expression of feelings helps make them manageable.

A very good question. I had to sit with some bad stuff for 2 weeks in September. I decided that I needed to be in more control of what we talk about because Pdoc would not give me anymore ativan at that time. She gives 15 at a time and that is it. I had taken it all and felt like I was breaking apart with no support. I told T all of it. I ended up with a transitional object or more precisely 2 beanie babies to hold, I still have them. I do hold them when I am scared. I tell her at the start of the session if I can handle dealing with bad stuff for the next week. She checks in to see how the last session affected me. It can take me 2 weeks to deal with something we have discussed in T. If something is bothering me she has also let me journal it and then she will read it and does not make me say it out loud. She will discuss it with me and ask questions. We sit on the floor together when she reads it and I feel safe that way. She is learning my triggers. She can get me out of a flashback with the bodywork stuff. I prefer not to have a flashback so that is why I tell her if I can handle trauma work that day or not. This is my second time in T. My first time I could not control myself very well, that was 20 years ago. At that time it became clear to me that I needed to have a goal of not hurting anyone ever no matter how I feel. I lost several jobs because of my behavior. The job loss was a severe consequence as well as the loss of friends and a husband. This is my mantra now and yes it does take a lot of effort on my part but it is well worth it. I am borderline with a big possibility of being DID. The Duggars on TLC have as one of their house rules is to speak in kindness to everyone no matter how you feel. I was an extremely lucky kid to have ended up with a Christian T that helped me despite no insurance and a huge laundry list of problems. By incorporating the kindness rule into my life, my life has become easier. I was not even sure what kindness was, but I started with not raising my voice ever and answering questions slowly. I started smiling when dealing with patients at work. The smile thing works very well, even if you are confused about how to respond to someone. Also I pay strict attention to what people say to me and always consider if they are speaking the truth or not. Am I over-reacting? Slowing my response was very helpful. I like to think I am a recovering borderline and I do backslide with stress. So I have to limit stress. This whole behavior thing has taken me years. I am very thankful, I have had 2 T's in my life that thought I was worth the effort despite borderline. And yes many other mental health pro's did not think I was worth the effort. Just so you know that you can overcome this, I will share with you my dx. Anorexic, borderline, depressed, anxiety, complex PTSD and either DID or DDNOS. The anorexia is not a problem anymore. This forum has been very supportive to me and being completely honest with T. I know you are hurting. Like my T said we all continue to grow and mature. Peace to you.

When I was struggling with rage and anger I hooked up with a friend who boxed. He taught me the basics and would spar with me. It was great fun to learn specially being a girl and it was an incredible way to relieve and release the rage and anger. Other things I did was hit a pillow and shout and scream, I'd go somewhere secluded and just scream my head off, even sitting in the car I would do it. But, I have to say that the boxing, running and journalling have really worked the best for me in terms of managing and releasing anger.

Thanks guys! A lot of great ideas in all of your posts! Lots of stuff for me to try. And you're right about the "treat others like you'd want to be treated" thing. I think since I am not able to do that right now, I am going to just seclude myself for a while (apparently it will pass eventually) until it passes. That time will be a good opportunity to try out all the stuff you guys suggested.

Thanks guys!!

Oh guys I came up with another question.

You guys spoke about how you felt you NEEDED to do x or y, in order to get through these emotions. How, in the first place, did you identify what you needed to do? How did you know you needed to do (this) or (that) to reduce the emotions?

I'm thinking to myself, "what do I need to do?" and the only thing I can come up with is "do violent things to that person walking past my house". Other than that I got nothing.

So how did you identify what you needed to do?

I decided I had to be nice so I did not get fired from another job. I hit rock bottom. So I started with practicing nice and dependable even though I did not want to be nice. I made a mental behavior list of questions I made myself answer before I responded to anyone. One example I worked nights and the boss would call and wake me from a deep sleep wanting to know why I did something the night before. He said I was rude to him on the phone. I was. I was awakened from a deep sleep and on top of being rude I gave stupid answers like I put the keys in my laundry basket. So that is when I decided I would not answer the phone while I was sleeping and even turned it off during the times I was sleeping. I just listened to what other people said about my behavior and then took steps to correct whatever problem. I still only answer the phone on my terms some 20 years later to avoid the whole rude thing, just in case I backslide. Trial and error. A very painful learning process. I start my day with deep breathing and reminding myself to be kind and helpful. My work is very stressful and constantly reminds me I have to be on my best behavior. My new T helps me with grounding. And by going to T, I can give my best to my patients. 45 minutes of attention each week goes a long way in helping me with social stuff. T's even go to therapy so they can help clients by helping themselves. Hope this helps.

Cool, yeah that is a lot of good information there. I should listen to what other people say and from that I can deduce what my needs are, in order to get through these emotional things. That makes sense, because I bet they can see me from the outside, and can observe a lot of things that I cannot. Eg. therapist, partner, etc.

Thanks!

I think this idea of "sitting with your feelings" is kind of in fashion and may work for some but it does not work for me.

I think it's crap, actually.

I think there are lots of ways to face your feelings without being nearly so sedentary. Others have suggested really great strategies. For me, what works is a walking meditation. It's not rumination, which "sitting with feelings" often is for me. It's a form of movement meditation. Check out Thicht Nat Hahn (I'm probably butchering his name) to get a little more information. Also, exercise helps me.

I just cringe when I hear therapists using this kind of prefabricated babble that gets passed around...a one-sized fits all approach. Sit with your feelings. Why? Aren't we obese enough already.

Sorry to be so cranky this morning. But really.....in the 1970s, which I recall, everyone was oKay. There was this flabby book called I'm okay, You're Okay. Turns out that some of us were not.

That's interesting. I have never interpreted "sit with your feelings" as literally sitting, or sedentary, or as a cause of obesity. I thought it meant doing the opposite of running away (also not literal!) from your feelings, or dissociating from them. You could call it "be with your feelings" or even "feeling your feelings" or something else like that.

It's okay to do things to "contain" your feelings until you have time/space/energy/support to deal with them. That's not dissociating from them. For me, this is usually a step on the way to "sitting" with them.

I thought Pema Chodron really put it well in her book, Taking the Leap. She says:

"There is a formal practice for learning to stay with the energy of uncomfortable emotions—a practice for transmuting the poison of negative emotions into wisdom."

. . . . . .

"1. Acknowledge you’re hooked (with humor, if possible).
2. Pause, take three conscious breaths, and lean in to the energy (with kindness, if possible).
3. Relax and move on."

This is how I would define "sitting with your feelings." I sometimes do sit when I'm practicing this, but othertimes I am swimming, walking, doing yard work, etc.

Anne

I love it! Perhaps I was being too literal....but my old T had me feeling very very trapped (and sedentary). I have SO MUCH still to get over with that......

This is really interesting to me. I learned over the last (rough!) year to just let myself feel the emotions - not fight them - and that they would pass. It was just a survival technique. But reading this quote makes me realize there's an even better way, a more purposeful way. Lots of wisdom here to mull over. And now I have to go google "Pema Chodron"

See my confusion was this: "What do I do while I'm sitting there feeling the feelings?". Because in my experience, you sit there, you feel the feelings, and then because you are feeling them, they usurp your mind and end up becoming bigger than they actually are - it's just like you're stuck in them. And they get bigger and bigger until you take yourself out of that situation and use distraction to focus on something else, and they fade away. Otherwise you go mad, and end up a raving lunatic over something that originally was quite small hehe. Sort of like if someone says a little snide comment at you - if you sit there and sit with those feelings, you start getting angrier and angrier because you are focusing on this one thing.. and in the end it all basically ends up getting warped in your mind, becoming bigger and and bigger - totally out of proportion with the actual thing that made you angry in the first place.

Is it just anger that that happens with? Maybe anger is different to the rest of the feelings in that department. I think it happens to me with sadness and disappointment and fear too. But maybe I am doing the wrong thing while I'm "sitting with the emotions".

So what is it that you do? Maybe you aren't supposed to focus on it in that particular way or something like that. Or maybe I think too much during the "sitting with it" bit. I have no clue hahaha

You have violent urges, so perhaps you need to do something violent.

Try wood chopping or scrub clearance or simply weeding the garden.

Build a stack of tyres and hit it with a stick.

Maybe you could get a punching bag.