Session scheduling

I am trying so hard to work this out. I have had some very angry moments with T when he has trouble scheduling me. Yesterday he asked me what I'd like, I said I'd like to be back in 3 weeks... and what he gave me is essentially 5 weeks. My appointments used to be every 2 weeks, then it went to 3, which was annoying but tolerable... then I had to push one back a week due to events beyond my control which made it 4 weeks in between sessions.. I didn't like that. And now 4 weeks seems to be what he has for me.

UGH. I get that things may be busy due to the holidays. I understand T is busy and can only offer me what he has available. I work full time so I like the last slot of the day so that I miss the least amount of work.

I guess my question is, is T too busy? He's at the county mental health clinic. I chose it because it was the closest place to my house and I was terrified to drive at the time. Maybe I need to find a place that is less busy.

I can't decide if I'm trying to punish T by leaving or if this actually makes sense. I am very frustrated by the whole thing and I don't think I'm thinking straight. I don't even know how to ask T about this, every time I try to think of what to say I sound like a big pouty baby.

I don't think it's an unreasonable demand that you want to be able to have regular appointments -- I'd be a big pouty baby too if scheduling was always such a problem! That would drive me nuts! I think just try to be straightforward, calm and assertive about it, and tell your T that you feel it's important for your progress to see him more often, that you want to keep a sense of momentum going - and ask to discuss any possible options. Maybe consider the first slots of the day as well as the last? Only you know what's workable for you -- but that's just it, it has to work for you! Hope you figure something out

It sounds both like you have a busy T and your own wants for scheduling are getting in the way? With the upcoming 5 week one made, did you ask to make another for only 2-3 weeks after that, right then, while his schedule is clear and you'd be "first"? That way you could, at the 5-week session, leapfrog 2-3 weeks and reverse being at the "end" of choices each time?

If he only makes one session at a time and he's busy and you are too, you might have to switch to a different T or decide therapy is more important than missing a little more work so you have more choices?

I have my groceries delivered and I can go online any given "Tuesday" and get delivery on Wednesday morning, first thing, but I can't go online on Friday and get delivery for Saturday morning because everyone who works is off then and wants deliver then. I suspect everyone would like an after work appointment but there aren't very many of those but if you picked a day where you left a couple hours early (and made up those hours by offering to come in early, work late, or work during your lunch hours the other days) you'd probably have appointments as often as you wanted?

Good input, thank you both.

Right now I leave work 2 1/2 hours early because my T's last appt is at 3:30 and his office is half an hour away from my workplace.

Perhaps I need to find a T closer to my work or ideally someone who has an open slot after-hours. A shorter commute would give me more flexibility with the times I could go. Although I had one early-morning appointment and I totally shut down and went numb for the remainder of the day. So I'm a bit scared to try mornings again. I presume it was some sort of coping mechanism to try and "de-therapy" myself so that I could function. Didn't work.

The thing I find really interesting is I feel like there is absolutely NO WAY I could ask my current T to schedule 2 sessions for me at once. It's one of the most pronounced examples I've run into where I feel like I can not ask for anything that is not pre-offered to me. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of asking for something and being told that someone can't help me. Fascinating and disturbing at the same time.

I have to have the latest session too, pbutton, which most of the time is 4:00. I have had to work extra hours other days to make up for the time missed (I usually work 10-6 or 11-7...gotta love a flex schedule ). I also need it because I find it hard to work after session too. Your therapist sounds awfully busy...I couldn't go 5 weeks! My T has been great about scheduling me weekly usually 3 weeks at a time. Since I'm her last client, she's been scheduling me herself and it's been fun to watch her get pissed at her iPad trying to schedule me (technology and T do not mix). I empathize and I hope you can work something out!

I'm still struggling with this today. On one hand I'd love to have a T where I have a standing appointment or at least regular intervals. But I don't want to have to start over and tell all my stuff to someone new.

T did tell me I could email him and ask if he had any cancellations. I can't quite pinpoint why I am not willing to do that. I think I don't want to be needy?

I understand what you are saying, pbutton. I would be very difficult for me to start with someone new. It took me 9 months to get to this point. I still think your T is too busy. But I don't think you should worry so much about being needy. T's are used to needy people and if you have a good T, he/she is not going to judge you for that.

pbutton, I used to have this same problem with my T, because he got super busy with lots of clients and my own schedule was busy too. We always schedule the next appointment at the close of our session, and he only had openings 5 weeks out that worked for both of us. So what we did was start scheduling me for 2 appointments at a time. That way we could keep the interval lower. It worked really well. Sometimes it is hard to plan that far in advance and one of us had to cancel, but in general, it worked, and was much less frustrating.

I know how hard it is to ask for what we need... I would hate to see you stuck with having to see your T only every 5 weeks, but unless you ask to schedule 2 sessions, you won't get it. It is interesting to me that you would rather start with a completely new therapist rather than ask this one a question. I think this shows you have a lot of work to do with this therapist that could really help you! If you like this T, please don't give him up because you feel you can't ask the question. Find a way. Maybe write it on a piece of paper and hand it to him. Or email it. Worth a try? You know, the worst he can say is no, and I'm sure he would do it gently if his office policy won't allow him to schedule 2 sessions in advance. If he says no, you will be no worse off with your appointments than now, and you will have communicated your needs to your T, which can help him help you.sorry this is so hard. Good luck.

Wow, yeah, that IS interesting. Thank you for the perspective. I missed seeing that until you pointed it out. This has been incredibly helpful.

When I examine my feelings, that is EXACTLY what I want. I don't want to ask T for anything and I'd rather toss him aside and start over with someone else. That's wild.

However, in trying to come up with a plan, I am having great difficulty getting past the fact that I now want to call and cancel and NEVER EVER SPEAK to T again, rather than admit that I want something from him.

So, yes, there's obviously some work to be done here. I do see that my reaction is incredibly distorted... right now the best I can do is hang on and tell myself that I am not going to cancel.

Maybe it's actually a good thing that I have another 4 weeks to mellow out about this before addressing it in session.

I am not going to cancel, I keep thinking of the posts I read here where I strongly hope that the poster makes it to their session and tells their T their concern. I am trying so hard to remember that I am now that person who needs to hang on and go tell T.

I am not going to cancel. I may need to post it every day until Jan 23rd. lol

These are the best, best, best opportunities to heal in therapy. AND the hardest things we have to do. Why do the most healing things have to be the hardest? It's maddening!

My guess is that this mirrors your day to day life...that it's more comfortable to just run away/isolate/shut down/etc than to ask for something that you need and deserve. I know that was SO true for me when I came to therapy. I had made it through over 30 years of life without having to ask for anything, and I didn't want to start now!

But therapy does this to us. It makes us aware of these deep needs, desires, and wishes. And at some point, it's more painful to NOT ask than to ask...maybe just 1/100th of a percent less painful, but enough for us to feel that push.

Learning to ask T for things I needed was one of the hardest and best things that I've done in therapy. It was really REALLY grueling to make myself learn to do it, and the first few times I heard "no", I was so filled with shame and anger at myself for taking that risk...but I survived, and eventually, I would ask for something else. And probably 90% of the time, I get what I need. And 100% of the time, I don't get shamed or punished by T. He always listens so care-fully and responds so gently. And it's okay.

And now that I've practiced for all of these years with T, I'm getting better at noticing my needs (something I had no idea how to do before) AND asking for help when I need to in the world outside of therapy. And it makes life better. It connects me more to other people. I get some of my needs met. I don't feel all alone.

You can do this. And you can post here for support every day until your session if you need to
to you!

Yep, it sure does. I think T may have been trying to explain this to me last week, but I was stuck on the fact that he threw out a "one-sided relationship" comment at a time when I was already feeling like I wanted no relationship with him at all. So I got a little caught up in that comment instead. I was wondering what I'd done to have him break out the transference talk, but he was trying to explain that getting angry and retreating was a pattern that I likely followed in and outside of therapy.

And it IS totally a pattern of mine. So odd how I can admit and understand that, yet I still feel like throwing a fit and running as far away from him as I possibly can. Such opposing forces. Time to go hit the gym for sure. Sheesh.

Oh my gosh...recognizing our patterns and changing them are two different things for sure!

Sometimes I can see *so* clearly what I'm doing, and it feels like I'm almost powerless to stop it. I used to "create a rupture" with T whenever we got too close to the really hard stuff in therapy. At first it was subconscious...I was so close to something so scary, and it would feel like he would say or do something so "wrong" and I would get mad or hurt and there would be this rupture and all of our therapeutic energy would go toward repairing the rupture...which was healing in it's own way, but definitely stopped the movement towards the things in my past that were scaring me.

A couple of years into this, I recognized that I was doing it. AND I STILL DID IT. I was so aware of it, but I couldn't stop. The ruptures still felt so real. It took time, and practice, and willingness, and work to finally stop.

Our defenses are there for a reason. It's so okay, and nothing to beat ourselves up over. And as we heal, part of the process is doing what feels really uncomfortable at first...being willing to do something different, and trusting that we will be okay.

You're doing good work

You got here after nine months? Now that's progress! You must be really good at this.

I'm green with envy.

T and I are currently emailng about this and I am not handling it very well. I'm getting embarrassed and now I massively want to find a new therapist. I think I need to just STOP and hold tight until my appointment. I am mortified at the way I am acting and yet somehow totally pissed at T. This is beyond stupid.

Were you able to tell him that you want to schedule more than one session at a time? I know you said it is hard for you to ask for this, so maybe email is a way to get the job done. Sometimes it is easier to tell them something hard in an email than in person.

Sounds like a plan! Hope the time passes quickly and you can soon see your T and get this resolved.

5 weeks even 4 is an awfully long time In between sessions!
I'd be upset if I had to wait that long.

Maybe you can ask for standing appts? At closer intervals? That's what I have with my T. Wow though, 5 weeks?! He sounds awfully busy! I would die waiting 5 weeks!

Hope you get something resolved ASAP

T emailed me some very helpful and appropriate things this morning. He's a good T. And I think that disappoints me somehow. I want him to be a bad T so I can leave.

This isn't even really about scheduling; it's my messed up stuff in my head. ARGH!

Although I do think 5 weeks is a freaking LONG TIME between sessions. But he did tell me he has emergency appts available and that I just need to ask. Which I am not going to do. I guess I'd rather suffer.

I can see how stupid all of this sounds when I write it out. I will be so proud of myself if I can change even the tiniest piece of this. It is so hard.

Doesn't sound stupid. You sound stuck. Stuck in some kind of rut where pbutton should suffer and not ask for help. [Pulling on ear]: does this sound like, remind you of anything from your past?

I'm poking you with this stick in an attempt to be helpful. No need for you to answer unless it's useful, of course.

Anne

That sentence made me cry. It's obviously touching on something very important.

Yet I am still not going to ask for help. So much for poking me with a stick.... I am so stuck that I think someone needs to nudge me using the entire tree.

In the midst of all of my email mess, I did manage to tell T how much trouble I have asking for help and how it makes me feel panicked to the point where I can barely think about it. He said he thinks we should talk about it. So at least I've put it out there even if I can't manage to to ask for help. T now knows it's an issue. I now know it's an issue.

It's OK to ask for what you need.
It's OK to be upset.
It's OK to be pissed at your T.
It's OK to be stupid.

Anyway, can you fix any of these "problems" by beating yourself up?

*nudge nudge*

LOL too funny!

I don't know that I'm beating myself up, maybe I am, but that sounds foreign to me? I tend to want to blame other people, although I am trying really hard to stop doing that.

Usually I see the failure in logic or I can identify my inappropriate behavior. I've been working on trying to change my reactions. But in this case I feel like I have hit a wall. I am amazed at how much trouble I have asking for help. I have been acting like this for a long long long time.