Why do I get upset with my therapist for no reason?

Do you ever get mad at your therapist for no real reason? Right now, I am really mad at my therapist. It's not that she has done anything, but I am really angry with her. Maybe it is because I 'think' she has this perfect life? I picture her having this lovely home, lovely family, and wonderful Christmas with all the 'bells and whistles'.

She had her daughters at the office the other day. I rarely ever see them, but I actually talked with them this time. They are very sweet and I am sure they are the joy of my therapist's life. I am glad that she is blessed in that way.

So why am I upset with her? That is what I can't answer. She has been nothing but good to me. She even sent me an email today to remind me that I can email her as much as I need to over the holiday break. You see what I mean? She can't be that nice of a person all the time. She must have some flaw somewhere!

I learned early on since my T self-discloses quite a bit that her life is far from perfect. She's pretty upfront about her foibles, flaws, past, and family. I learned (quite by accident and she doesn't know I know this) she lost her house last year. So in that way, I feel like I have a leg up on her.

Your T is a human as you or I. Most people only see their T's best side. Your T has flaws; I'm sure she yells at her kids, is bad with money, or has a mean streak that you never see. I think I have an unusual T because she is upfront about being very human. In fact, she's said several times she's as crazy as I am (although neither one of us is that crazy).

There's also nothing wrong with being angry at your T. My T seems to like it when I get angry. She was quite proud of me yesterday when I brought up something I was angry at her twice last week and worked through it. She looked like this:

she is a safe person for you to transfer your anger onto, as you are really angry at someone else, possibly yourself

That is more than likely true. What am I mad at myself about? I don't know!

I agree with CCBG. With our T's we can express anything. They are safe and won't react or reject us. Our frustrations can be directed to them and we know they will be o.k with it.

What are you mad about? Well, Squiggle - think a bit. You've posted plenty here on PC that would make anyone mad. Trying to bury those feelings or cover them up with 'affirmations' or 'positive' thinking does not make them go away. They're there until they're processed. You're mad as h*ll and it shows. The first step is admitting it and exploring it more - not pretending that it doesn't exist.

Sometimes I think it's okay to just ask where you are and sit with that, too, rather than trying to dig underneath everything. Though the questions are also engaging... well I guess I can't answer this but I do hope you find your way.

I was feeling really jealous about my therapist regarding the holidays (does she have AWESOME plans with her PERFECT family??) but she helped me out today by telling me she was "just trying to survive" them! Fascinating!

I am not sure that I understand what you mean by this. Covering them up with affirmations or positive thinking? Is that what you see me doing? You see me as being mad as h*ll? Am I pretending? If so, I need to back out of here until I get settled down a bit.

This is transference, pure and simple. You are really angry with someone else, but it is "safer" to be angry with T, because T won't hurt you.

In my case, I got angrier and angrier over the weeks until I had a real outburst. But it was old anger and there was no other way to dump it.

It was unpleasant for both of us, but T says that in the long term, it made our relationship stronger. I realised (subconsciously at first) that I was allowed to be angry at T, and that made it easier to speak freely.

(((((Squiggle))))) Yes. I do get upset with T and don't know why. Or I push T away and there was no danger at all. Just did it last week!

For some people, our past contains people who were very nice to us because they wanted something from us. Or they were nice to us one day and hurt us deeply the next day. We learn from hard experience to be extra cautious around others - esp anyone who is being super nice to us. It puts us on-guard and we start looking around waiting for the rock to drop out of the sky onto our head.

I used to get SO angry at T. And I almost never get angry at anyone, ever, so it felt really weird. And he didn't do ANYTHING.

I remember that I would be standing in the shower, and would suddenly be filled with this WAVE of anger and would say out loud "you're such an *********, T!". And MEAN it!

It's faded over time, as I've worked through things, and learned how to be angry at the "right" people, at least sometimes. Anger was always the scariest emotion to me, and I think on some subconscious level, I knew that T was a safe place to try it out.

I still almost never feel angry, and I suspect that there is still a lot of buried anger that I'll need to work through. But for a long time, T was this really safe place to try it out...he never got angry back at me (at least not openly!), he never sent me away. He listened and helped me, and that's just what I needed.

I certainly feel angry, jealous, abandoned by my T, and one of the frustrating parts is that it makes no sense to me, she hasn't actually 'done' anything, in fact she's the most supportive person I've ever met.
But, what I'm starting to realize is that me beating myself up over these feelings doesn't help at all, in fact it compounds.
What has helped though is talking about it with her. And even though I know that helps me, I still have to remind myself of it all the time.

Please clue her in.

Good luck

For me, seeing or hearing about T's kids makes me horribly jealous and in deep pain for what I think I missed out on as a kid. I try to remind myself that I probably get more one-on-one time with my T than he gets with his (older) children. Not a kind thought on my part, but I am human.

At my last appointment, I noticed that she had some stress balls and a slinky. When I asked he about it, she said it was for her clients who needed something to hold when they got really anxious.

That bothered me. I don't want her to have other clients. I don't want to think about that. I sure did not want anything in the room to remind me that I am not the only one she sees.

You know how ridiculous it is for me to think like this? I understand that I am not being rational, yet this bothers me. It makes me feel like she likes me less for some reason. There is no reason for me to think like that. She gives me a lot of attention. Inside and outside of therapy. Probably more attention outside of therapy than she does most of her other clients.

I still don't understand the therapeutic relationship even though I have been in this for almost two years. She knows that little things bother me about her seeing other clients. She makes sure not to ever bring it up, but sometimes something slips out. I know we need to work on this, but I don't know what to say because I feel so stupid when I say "I don't want you to see any other client but me." You see how that sounds!

I am angry with my psychologist. She wants to change my labels and I don't like this. Also, I am angry that she wears me down with the questions. There are things I go in with, determined not to share yet, and out it comes. Finally, I am angry that she asked me to make a promise that I couldn't, and then she looked unsure about allowing me to leave our last session.
I guess I am angry because I am afraid to allow the craziness to come out.
bluemountains

One thing that my therapist keeps 'harping' on is PEACE. She says that I don't have real peace. I don't know what that looks like, so how do I know if I have it or not? I guess if I had it, I wouldn't be asking this question would I?

Who can live in real peace? I mean, when you have a mental illness, can you really live in peace? I never know when my bipolar symptoms will come up. I can tell you that I am NOT living in a state of peace when that happens. No matter how much I want to be, I am not. I am a mess! I can try to work through it until it passes, but when that is going on, I am not at peace with myself at all.

I agree Squiggle. Has your t offered any suggestions for how to achieve peace? I would definitely love to feel peaceful more often.

sounds like jealousy

We talk about it. She seems to think that I have unforgiveness that I need to work. She thinks I haven't forgiven myself for things in my past. I get upset with her about this because I have done everything I know to let it go. I don't know what she means, or what she is looking for.

The reality is that I did mess up and the life I live now is due to those mistakes. But, I have come to accept them and move on. I can't forget them. No one can totally forget things we have done in our past, but I don't dwell on them every day.

You could be right here. She does have what I would call the 'perfect' life. She admits that she is blessed. It is hard to open up with someone that appears to 'have it altogether' and never has a care in the world.

I don't wish that I were her. I just wish that my life was not as stressful with things that I have no control over.

Interesting. I wonder what it would be like to go to a T that was obviously not "all together", in the facts of her life or obviously disorganized/stressed/etc. I would doubt the ability of that person to help me, and wouldn't feel comfortable opening up to her.

In my experience, people who have their lives in a good space have often worked really hard to get there, as in gone through the stuff that it takes. That they have had challenges, sometimes much more formidable than I've ever faced, but they've put themselves back together. That's what I imagine my "together" T has done with his life.

But we don't really know what our T's have gone through in order to get where they are, or, of course, they may be faking their togetherness as part of their T persona.

It seems to me that this would be a really good issue to raise with your T, especially since it seems like it's a bit of a block for you.

Anne

We have talked about this a number of times. She has said that she doesn't know how I feel about certain things because she has not personally experienced it (them). But she tells me that she can help me handle my emotions about it. She can help me learn to change the negative tape that plays in my head. She can be a listening ear to help me work through my feelings and help me find solutions to manage my life better.

I don't know that this is a block for me. I was just putting it out there to see if anyone else experiences this with their therapist.

You don't have to be rational all the time, and certainly not with your T.

Squiggles and Bluemountains
Off course your T has other clients but it does sound like when you are with her YOU have her undivided attention and her efforts to help you understand peace is because peace relates to being neutral and open with your emotions which sets the stage for therapy to work. It is not easy and it is going to take as long as it takes, meaning you have to be open and honest with your T. This doesn't mean you have to expell everything if you are not ready to, but inform her that there are other thing going on that your not ready to talk about, she will understand and make note of it and doing this will also help both you and T trust eachother. If you have trust issues, tell her that, that would be most beneficial.
Ps. there aren't many things you can tell a T that they haven't heard before. I have been in therapy for over a decade with same Phsychologist and my Primary Care doctor even longer and worked with a few Phsychiatrist. Don't give up! You are not alone.Peace will come, there is a stratgegy to achiving it but just as any emotion isn't permanent you have to be aware to maintain it.
Sincerely,
Happiedasiy
Peace by pieces of insight

My T has shared some of her struggles with me. She has six kids, grand kids and great grand kids. She had one of her grand kids living with her for awhile. She has a son with a disability and tried to have him at home and couldn't he's had brain surgeries and all the stress from it caused her great anxiety and she started drinking because of it. I personally think having her share these things with me has helped me connect with her. I know she doesn't have this "perfect" life. Who does?

She has mentioned that when she first met me, she saw a strong confident young woman, then I completely broke down in front of her and she realized how much I was struggling.

But to answer your original question, yes sometimes I do feel angry and want to argue with her but I know that it's not AT her, it's just everything else that is upsetting me and she's the safe person. I've actually never argued with her.. except for telling her I will NOT go IP and she would have to fight me on it.