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#1
Jan 23, 2012, 03:46 PM
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I thought I was ok after sharing with all of you how I told T I am attached to her and the reassurance you guys gave me. I guess I was wrong. I had a headache on Saturday that lingered into Sunday.
 Then I went to work today feeling fine. I was going about my day and all of a sudden......BAMP!!!!! A migraine came on and went full blown. I was SO dizzy and sensitive to light. I had to shut the lights off in my room. All my co-workers kept coming to look into my room to see what was going on. I was SO embarrassed. The migraine got worse so I left work. I hate missing work. I was doing SO much better not missing work due to a migraine for months and then the moment I remember how vulnerable I was to T, I lose all of my composure. I'm a complete mess at the moment. What has therapy done to me? What have I done to myself?
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 Anonymous33425, Chopin99, Nelliecat, Perna, rainbow8
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#2
Jan 23, 2012, 04:49 PM
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I hear you. I am also a big mess today and wondering can I navigate this.
I'm really so glad you're posting though. I am also thinking of heading home.... Please try not to feel so embarrassed though. I internalize everything so I can certainly relate, but I bet your co-workers were concerned for how you were doing. Hugs to you, MCL |
| Chopin99
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 yang0868
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#3
Jan 23, 2012, 04:49 PM
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Quote:
2. My T keeps telling me my symptoms will get worse before they get better. That's why I am worried about taking the promotion at the same time I'm processing hard material in therapy. The symptoms getting worse before getting better is something I have a hard time with because I think "I'm in therapy...shouldn't I feel better?" But many times, we have to process through the bad stuff to heal from it.
__________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau |
| yang0868
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#4
Jan 23, 2012, 04:52 PM
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I am so sorry you are having to deal with headaches/migraines at the same time as working on difficult issues in therapy. Migraines are nothing to be ashamed of, there is not a one-to-one association with stress and headache, I do not think your session "caused" your migraine. It was a hard thing for you to do, sharing with your T. Not all of you was on board it looks like. But, bottom line, it's a headache! We all get them! Being sick is not something to be embarrassed about.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
| yang0868
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#5
Jan 23, 2012, 05:09 PM
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I'm sorry, Yang. I went through a long phase where I would become physically ill in session when I started talking about something really difficult. Other times, if T asked a question or told me to recall something I didn't want to talk about, it was as if my brain would not allow me to think about it, and I would get a massive headache right then and there. I wish I had some advice for you -- but I can tell you that the more you talk about it, the easier it will get, and the fewer physical symptoms you will have. Stay strong!
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| rainbow_rose, yang0868
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#6
Jan 23, 2012, 08:14 PM
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mcl636, chopin99, perna, and sallybrown.
 Thank you SO much for responding. My headache is a bit better now but I'm SO sad. I keep thinking about T. It's SO annoying. Something happened two weeks ago that has been bothering me SO much. I got a message from one of T's receptionist saying that one of my appointments with T in February needed to be cancelled. So I rescheduled for a different day during the same week. When I told T the appointment was cancelled, she said "I wonder what that was about?" Then T said the day I rescheduled that appointment for, she will be out of the office. I told T I would just go cancel the appointment then. So basically, I do not have an appointment at all during that week in February. What bothers me is T doesn't even know why my original appointment was cancelled. I don't understand why she didn't know why the appointment was cancelled. It's her schedule isn't it? Now it just sucks even more that I told her I was attached to her. I hate being attached to her. Some part of me thinks that I'm hogging up T's schedule and that's why the receptionists cancelled my appointment and gave it to someone else. I honestly feel like saying to T and her receptionists that if they don't want me there, they could say it. That's all they have to do and I will go away. The reason why I concluded this is because almost everytime I go and schedule another appointment to see T again, the receptionists will question why I have more than 3 appointments schedule. They have stated to me many times that I'm only allowed to have 3 appointments at a time. T has override that but most of the receptionists still don't get it. I'm just SO sick of all these misunderstandings and the constant questioning about scheduling. Now, I'm just in so much turmoil knowing that even T doesn't know why my appointment with her was cancelled. I'm scared to find out the truth about it. I'm scared that I may be right. I know that I shouldn't assume anything but somehow I just can't help it. I'm crying just thinking about it. Maybe it is better this way so I wouldn't be SO dependent on her. I just hate this attachment S*** so much. It just hurts more being attached now. I've should of not let myself get attached to T. It would have been easier to walk away but now look what I've gone and done. I've let her into my head and heart. I'm so scared that if I bring this up again to T, it may cause a rupture between us. I just don't know what to do. It hurts too much. |
| rainbow8
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#7
Jan 23, 2012, 09:28 PM
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 wish i had an answer. i'm kind of in the middle of it myself. i have to believe it will get better.(((lots o' safe hugs)))
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~ 
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| yang0868
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#8
Jan 24, 2012, 06:10 AM
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 I hate how my headaches can be SO debilitating. I'm trying SO hard to believe that it will get better. I don't think that I can look at T much tomorrow. It just hurts to look at her now. Seeing her reminds me of the misunderstanding and on top of it all, the vulnerability. rainbow_rose : At this point, I just hope the both of us and whomever is going through feelings similar to ours, will have the strength to keep pressing foward to heal. |
| rainbow_rose
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#9
Jan 24, 2012, 09:39 AM
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There are SO MANY entries that sound just like what you wrote.  Attachment is really hard. A lot of us had trouble with it from childhood, and so now when we find ourselves becoming attached, we look (without meaning to, necessarily) for all kinds of ways to make it "not real" or "wrong" or "bad". Because it's f***ing scary. Being attached gives someone else a lot of power. And I totally get having this one thing make you go totally crazy. But I think that a lot of times the things that we believe will cause ruptures in fact end up cementing the therapeutic relationship in the end once they've been worked through. Remember that the relationship with your T is not like your other relationships. It will of course feel that way because that's how we humans learn how to cope with things... searching for similarities with times that blew up in our faces. But if your T is like my T, the majority of the time, this kind of stuff will actually really help her, and make her very eager to get to the bottom of it. It seems like your T is kind of in outer space regarding scheduling this appointment... I can't tell any better than you can what she was thinking. But bring it up with her. If you're worried, you can preface it with, "I know this doesn't necessarily mean you don't care about me, but when you didn't know why my appointment was cancelled AND the rescheduled time didn't work either, it made me feel..." Good therapists see things as being largely symbolic. The more you tell them about how you see things, the more they can attach your reactions with things that are going on in the relationship/transference. For instance, there are rare times when, in the middle of a hard session, I will have the urge to just get up and leave. Now, I tell my T just that: "Right now I really just want to pack up my things and leave." He knows it's not a threat, and that I'm not trying to elicit a reaction from him or create drama. Rather, over time we have both come to realize that this feeling I have indicates that there's a serious misunderstanding going on that neither of us has really identified. That feeling means we stop what we're talking about and start exploring where the disconnect might be. This kind of a roller coaster, but I can tell you it has the potential to be really fulfilling. Instead of running away (and at times you will really really want to, and you will blame your attachment for your bad feelings again and again), run toward. It's harder work and there will be lots of strife, but for me, it has been worth it, and has made me a much happier person.
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| rainbow_rose, Sannah, yang0868
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#10
Jan 24, 2012, 11:08 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#11
Jan 24, 2012, 09:25 PM
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| ECHOES, pbutton, SallyBrown
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| rainbow_rose, Sannah
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#12
Jan 24, 2012, 09:43 PM
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Thank you for such encouraging words Sallybrown. I'll see how it goes with T tomorrow. I just need to build up some courage to bring up this misunderstanding with T. This misunderstanding feels like a unexpected sudden loss of connection with T which hurts like h*ll.
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#13
Jan 24, 2012, 09:44 PM
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i'm available to pocket ride if you need one, yang.
 my session is tomorrow too. Eeeshk! 
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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#14
Jan 24, 2012, 09:55 PM
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That would be great. I'm so honored that you would offer to come along with me. Why do I feel a sudden connection between us both?  I just couldn't ask for it due to being ashamed to ask for it. Thanks again. BTW, I think I will see my T before you see yours. I see her tomorrow afternoon.
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#15
Jan 24, 2012, 10:01 PM
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np! I'll be there...  don't mind the crumbs.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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#16
Jan 24, 2012, 10:02 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
__________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau |
| rainbow_rose, yang0868
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#17
Jan 24, 2012, 10:20 PM
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Thanks for riding along too Chopin.
My pocket is doing a 360 right now.BTW Rainbow Rose, I don't mind the crumbs. T's other clients seem to snack or drink in her room. The way I see it, if they drop stuff on the ground, I know for sure that it will have extra topics (your crumbs) on their snacks.
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| rainbow_rose
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#18
Jan 24, 2012, 10:26 PM
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 I'll need some caffeine to keep me going...I soda...but they need a coffee smiley too!
__________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau |
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#19
Jan 24, 2012, 10:32 PM
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 I'm so bad being a dental hygienist and all. I should know better.
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| Chopin99
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#20
Jan 25, 2012, 02:19 AM
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__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
| yang0868
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#21
Jan 25, 2012, 05:51 AM
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#22
Jan 25, 2012, 08:57 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#23
Jan 25, 2012, 02:32 PM
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I said everything I wanted to say, how I love her, how I would miss her, how important she is to me, how grateful I am. And I also told her about the times she had hurt me and I thought she had let me down. I asked about what would happen. How would I find out? Would I be welcome at the funeral? I told her what I would do after she died: grieve, wait six months, then start afresh with someone completely different because I know I could never replace her. And I received her blessing. It was very healing, perhaps the best thing I've ever done in therapy. And I'm not so scared any more. I know what would happen and I know what I would do. Good luck!
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
| yang0868
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#24
Jan 25, 2012, 03:32 PM
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What you say about the evil in life is true -- but you won't be any further protected from evil by rejecting the good. To a certain extent it's true that your current grief wouldn't exist had you not been attached to this person, but unfortunately, the cause for your grief was out of your control. The evilness in life. And as you know, things that are out of your control will continue to happen, and some of them will lead to sorrow. But you won't be able to control that sorrow any better by trying not to get attached in the first place. Think of all the things that would be missing in your life had you not been attached to the person you lost. If you had to do it over again, I would bet you'd still attach yourself to him, even knowing what would happen in the future... knowing that it would be worthwhile. You always risk losing people, every single day. Some risks, though, are really worth taking. Forming a loving bond with someone who cares for you in a healthy way is one of them, at least from my perspective. I know you know all of this in your head, but it can be really hard to know in your heart -- boy do I know about that.
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| pbutton, yang0868
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#25
Jan 25, 2012, 08:24 PM
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To make it as much as a productive session as I could, despite it hurting like h*ll everytime I looked at her, I told her bits and pieces of what I wrote above. She seemed to understand but that wasn't what I wanted to talk about at all. I couldn't gather the courage to bring up the misunderstanding (at least from my perspective) between us. She doesn't even know I'm hurt from it. I don't even think she realizes that there was a misunderstanding. I made the hurt worse when I asked a different receptionist as I left the clinic if T was going to be in the office on Feb. 8th, which I had an appointment scheduled and they had called stating "It needs to be cancelled." The receptionist said that T would be in the office but she was completely booked that day. I asked if there was anything available that week and she said "No." I thanked her for checking and she said "It doesn't hurt to ask." I said "Right" but honestly, it hurt SO much more. I asked just to get an idea as to why my appointment "needs to be cancelled" on Feb 8th. I was hoping it would be because T was going to be out of the office but after hearing from T that she had no idea what that was about and from the receptionist that T will be in the office that day but her schedule is booked, I can only conclude that my appointment was given to someone else. I'm hurting so much from this because I feel like I've been lied to. I grew up being surrounded by hypocrites and it frustrates me when I find out that I've been lied to. I know that I have more appointments than what they allow but T herself said it was ok. If it wasn't for work requiring a 3 months in advance notice, I wouldn't schedule more than 3 appointments. If T and the clinic is not going to honor the appointments I have scheduled then why can't they just tell me that so I wouldn't have to constantly work my butt off to tailor my work schedule just to see T. I'm about to give up on all this. The mistrust is getting SO strong that I just want to push T away now. How can I take a risk in embracing this attachment I feel towards T if I've been lied to? Why couldn't she and the clinc just be straight foward with me on this. I don't know how much more I can bear. A part of me feels bad in that I had originally seen T regarding my headaches and somehow we dwelved into things beyond my headaches. I feel like I'm wasting her time. I know she mainly sees people to help them with chronic pain. I'm very touched and blessed that she would go beyond her usual clientele to help me but am I doing the other clients and T any justice? Is this why my appointment was given away to someone else? Oh, the confusion is killing me.
Last edited by yang0868; Jan 25, 2012 at 09:54 PM. |
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