Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Hateful voices very rarely tell the truth.

People have given you a couple of good ideas on this already. I wrote a story in the third person and e-mailed it to my T. I hope you can get it out there in the open.

Dear T, I wish my emotions had better timing...sitting alone in tears, after coming home from a session where I wasn't even feeling that bad, but now thinking about things more has triggered so much sadness, feels horrible...I actually wish I'd felt this bad earlier, at least you could have been there with me.

That happens to me too. I don't have that many really positive, light sessions, because there's always so much of the tough stuff to work on, but when I had a nice, easy going session a couple of weeks back and then I left and felt so, so awful. It was horrible because I felt like I must have wasted my session if I could sit there and be happy and leave and feel the way I did. I really relate to how hard it is to feel like that and to feel all alone with it...and know there's such a long stretch of time to make it through before you have help with it again.

Dear T--
Here I come !!! I'm flying east tomorrow, see you on fri. Don't fugg up our rare face to face encounter. No pressure or anything.
love, growly

Dear T,
What the hell??? Why wont you let me see my file without a court order? What did you write that would be detramental (sp?) to me? I am now soooo curious.

dear C,
we are in such a bad,bad,bad place right now and we have no way of letting you know-you dont allow phone contact and you havent been responding to emails and we are one step away from falling into the black yawning abyss and we need you! we are in so much pain it literally hurts and its only getting worse. please hear us......please?

i don't want to feel the boundaries in our relationship right now. they accentuate my aloneness. i'm pulling inside.

Dear T,

Thanks for being such a good T.. I could complain that you are constantly running late, or that you are terrible at returning phone calls. However, the fact that you always get back to me, always offer your time if you have it, and always encourage me that I can do this.. Trumps the two things I can find to complain about. Today, I told you that at this point in my therapy I could either withdraw, or I could just jump right in. Right now, I am leaning towards diving head first. No, I don't trust you 100% yet, but, I do feel pretty safe with you. Safe enough, where I feel like I can starting healing from what happend to me, with the aid of you. Thanks, for being good at what you do.

Healed.

Dear T,

I'm falling into a hole. I don't feel particularly motivated to get out of it right now. My anger (at you, at everyone) is consuming me. Thing is, no one really knows I'm angry.

I'm tired. The thoughts of just wanting to be done are there. I've thought about contacting pdoc, but I'm so reluctant to do anything with medication now. Besides, what if this passes on its own. What if I'm making way too much out of nothing?

I do and I don't want to contact you. I chose not to go to my appointment yesterday because I felt like I needed some distance. And because I was angry. Now I've got distance and I'm too stubborn to try to bridge the gap. Too embarrassed to reach out after I pushed you away.

I don't want to go to work today. I don't want to be a parent or wife today. But I will, because I don't really have any other choice.

Dear t,
The crap at work is never going to stop. I want to give up working on that. I know it's a huge factor in my mood, but I am so tired of going around and around about something that is mainly out of my control. Can we talk about something besides work on Wednesday? Please?
Me.

Dear T,

I miss you. I need to talk to you soon. I feel as fragile as glass....

I'm a horrible monster and I have contaminated you. I can't come back. I can't do it.

thanks for sharing this... it is what t is currently trying to convince me. hearing it from someone i don't know in rl helps me a lot
thank you

dear soon-to-be ex-counselor

thank you for completely turning our world upside down today. thank you for shattering the tiny shred of hope we had started forming. thank you for fully and completely convincing us we are so unhelpable. thank you for everything but most of all-thanks for nothing!!!! we are a devastated crushed shell

Dear T,
As much as I admire, need, and depend on you, I do not want to know how much you admire/like/enjoy your time with me. I like boundaries. I like the total one sided relationship. If you are pushing my intimacy buttons then you are doing a great job. However, I am running as fast as I can.

T-

I walked away from our session today feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my heart for the first time in a year. Thank you for really listening this time and helping me understand what was going on. I will always remember this session with you.

Dear T,

I was so relieved to know that my story was at last told to you (told for the second time, sigh), and that even though the grieving phase is unpleasant and hard, I could finally start on it and then come to healing.

Now (although I think you are on the right track with the new angle), I feel like my story will never be "told", there is always more, I'm back in the first phase.

I wish I could say I want to come see you.

SAWE

Dear T,
My emotions and thoughts are all over the place again. Help me get centered again.
Me.

Dear T,

I wish you wouldn’t keep linking my current jealousies and irritations back to my childhood. I’ve spent quite enough time on that and now I want to move forward.

Dear T,

We're back at my core issues again (sigh!) and this one is the BIG ONE I've been avoiding since I started seeing you six years ago. I'm back to needing you again (double sigh!!) and I don't like feeling needy. This process is really scaring me. I was doing so well - feeling confident and sure of myself. Now I feel ugly and small and scared, like I want to disappear.

I don't know if I have the courage to go through pain like this again. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of an abyss with one foot hanging over and the other one ready to go. I'm so frightened of this process. Please, please, please be there for me. I know you will - you always have been - but I'm just so frightened right now. I want to heal but it hurts so much.

Dear T

I am very angry with you.

Some years ago I sent you lots of hate mail. As I understand it, both the intensity and number of these emails went way beyond what is usual. And that's quite aside from the content.

So what did you do with these valuable clues? Nothing as far as I can see. You treated them as a nuisance to be stopped, and nothing more. Like many people, you treated my individuality as a crime to be punished.

You are ignoring the fact for my Aspergers and discourage me from talking about it. I am stunned by your wilful blindness to a key feature of my personality.

There are important parts of me that you are not listening to.

If you want to understand me, if you want to help me, you are going to have to start listening to the parts you don't like.

Dear T:

In two hours I have to tell you I'm angry with you.
I'm not looking forward to that.
But I know that sitting on it is worse.

I hurt myself so much I'm sick to my stomach. I am sorry I did it. I am NEVER sorry about doing it. Maybe I am ready to change? I hope so. But I am in SO much pain right now.

dear t,
just because i'm smiling it doesn't mean i'm happy and coping. aren't you meant to be the body reader?