Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

T,

I don't want to talk to you because I don't have any money, but so much has been going on that I just want to talk to you. I'm broke, I want to impulse buy, and my relationships are driving me crazy. I keep feeling guilty and like I should just find a man to rule my life, and I'm struggling. I'm so scared about all of this new treatment, and I wish you were still around to help me through this.

But I just cant say anything to you because its not fair if you help me for free... and I just can't pay up.

I sometimes wish you were my dad. I know it's stupid because we're the same age and blah blah blah, but still...

I am scared of losing my ability to just pack my bag and leave without a second thought.

Dear T-

I need help getting to wherever I'm supposed to go from here. Please end this endless silence. I'm stuck.

I wish I could take all the pain away Im so sorry your struggling switch

T

I've basically been told that feeling mildly irritated is not an okay emotion in my own home. I feel trapped because I can't afford to leave home while I'm studying, because my animals are the only thing that keep me sane and I couldn't flat with them even if I could afford it...and so I feel trapped somewhere that I'm not comfortable.

As long as I don't want anything, as long as I don't ask for anything, as long as I don't show any emotion...it's okay. I'm going to try not to want or ask for anything or display any emotions. If that's what it takes.

I guess I just wanted to tell you how hard this is for me. Particularly after the way my last appointment with you ended. You're the only stable person I have. You are the only person that I can reply on. But do I still have you? You told me that you shouldn't be the one who works the hardest...but I'm doing my best. I was doing my best. If my best isn't good enough?

Night.

sorry your struggling . Its hard when we feel so much inside and T doesnt see the whole picture, even when we really are trying.

hang in there

Dear T,

I wonder what you are REALLY thinking after our session last week. Did you write that in your notes to keep in my file? While I am so glad that I finally talked with you about it (again), I wonder what you may have written in your notes. Will that come back to haunt me one day?

Even though you explained what is going on with me, the feelings are still there. Will they go away or this something that I have to accept for now? I would rather get past this and not think about that anymore.

Squiggle

Dear T,

I get you are a busy guy..I am okay with not always seeing you once a week b/c you schedule is already booked up for the week. However, what I am having a hard time with is the fact that you tell me that I can call you if I need to. Then, you don't call back. Before today, the last time I called three weeks ago, I had to call the next day b/c you didn't call me back. You apologized and said you were away from your office most of the day. I called you this morning.. now 6hrs later, I doubt you will be calling me back today. There is a reason that I call you, and it makes me feel worse when you don't get back to me. I very frustrated right now.. only b/c this is becoming a trend with you. If you tell patients to call, then you need to call them back!!!

I'm sorry I still am not happy. I am sorry I still struggle with depression. I want to quit because I think I am hopeless. I'm not sure what the point of therapy is. I still don't get it and I should because I've been in it for 6.5 years. Way too long. I should be well by now. I am so sorry that you have to put up with me. Just think, I have to put up with myself ALL THE TIME. Can you even imagine how horrible that is?

Dear T,

I feel so lonely and rejected. Not just by you, but by everyone. I'm tired of the day to day battle and if this is as good as it gets...well....then...why keep putting up the fight. I feel so lonely, defeated and I just wanna give up.

Dear T,

Please help me tomorrow. I'm angry and sad and I messed up one of the tracking logs. I wish I could climb into your lap and stay there forever.

rainbow

Dear T,
I wish our session were tomorrow. It's not.
Me.

I know, right? And you didn't even see the first draft.

Dear T,

I think that we need to take a break from therapy for awhile....I honestly am doing just fine without you.....

Dear T,

I need you to start listening more than you talk...especially tomorrow. It's going to be a hard day for me & I just need you to be less talkative. Sometimes it seems like our sessions are more about you or unrelated things that I don't feel like we are doing any work. You scolded me about devaluing our sessions, but it seems like the 2 hours you give me are used for small talk. Sometimes that can be fine, but not every session.

Dear T,

And may I add, that I would deff save quite a bit of money not having to pay for all those visits..... In addition, I really don't feel that any of these "sessions" are helping me at all......More like a waste of time !!!!!

Right, I'm psyching myself up for session on thursday. You're going to hear what you've been wanting me to say for months. Be gentle, supportive and don't leave me.

Dear T,

I see you today. I hope to God that I can be open and make some progress. I have missed you so much over this weekend. i wish I could give you a great big hug. I see Pdoc first before I see you and he tends to throw me off. I hope he's nice. He scares me.

I feel the same way about my therapist. You are not alone. It's hard.

Please be gentle with me, I am terrified of you right now

Tell her this.

Dear T,

thanks, you're awesome! I wish I deserved you

Dear T

Remember when I told you this last week after L hurt me so much with her ice cold email saying my notes were stored in a sealed archived file under her desk?
You T are fully human and you are not afraid of others' full on humanness. I do not live in your file. You do not need to contain me in an archive box. You don't need to store me out of sight under your desk. You don't need to keep your feet on the lid of the box so I can't leap out and overwhelm you. You keep me in your life. Between the books by your bed, on your Christmas tree, in your daughter's party bags, on your phone, on trains and in shops and at the hairdresser. I live in your life and you are not afraid.

Today you cemented all that in a way I never imagined. You have always let me see pictures of your daughter in your office. Today you mentioned a photo her nanny had texted you, and I asked to see it. You said of course I could. I said 'on my phone?'. I was trying to pick a fight, T. It was something I knew you'd certainly say no to, and then I could be angry with you. You sent me the picture. It is the most surprising thing you have ever done. I cried. Not because of the picture, but what it means. My worst fear is that I am twisted and dangerous and shouldn't be allowed to live. You, who know more of the bad and fearful things about me than anyone else, trusted me with a picture of your most precious thing. Is that why you did it?

Wow that's amazing, what a fantastic T