Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

I can't see the point anymore. I'm tempted to leave and just live my life without therapy. Maybe I should. I have embarrassed myself totally and feel the most pathetic person for needing you. It's obvious that what I need is too much.

Dear T,

I'm so excited because I get to see you Wed. this week instead of Fri. That means only 5 days between sessions. But that also means 9 days between sessions for the following week. Ugh. Sometimes I don't want to be an adult and be able to handle it.

jenluv

Excited and nervous both about tomorrow. Have something to share that kinda freaks me out. But it's cool too! Although I may need to hide behind my notebook again. And if you laugh at me I will kick you in the shins!!!

Dear T,

It's been almost 3 weeks since I last saw you. I feel like I don't even really know how to be around you anymore. I'm not even really sure what I want to talk about. I know what I don't want to talk about, but probably should, though.

In the time since I saw you last, I feel like I've gone through periods of being a normal, functioning adult to times when I just want to curl up in bed and never get out again.

I feel like I've lost direction in therapy. Where am I going with all of this again?

For some reason I'm afraid you're going to be different. Hell, maybe I even want you to be different.

I'm scared to go back and I'm scared to stay away. Not the best position to be in.

It's been 2.5 weeks since I saw you. There's so much going on at the moment which I know you need to know but I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone.

Things with my intake are going to spiral out of control again. You know I'm down 30kg and you think I'm almost at my goal, I'm not, I'm only half way there. I know I should be following my diet plan but I have had so much food in the last 2 weeks while I've been at mums. I need to feel empty and I need to see the numbers drop.

I see you tomorrow. I don't know what to say. Maybe I shouldn't come?

Why am I back to overthinking every little thing you say and wanting to be with you?!

Dear T,
I need you to make me feel strong when i see you on Wednesday. I feel like I will just crumble as soon as I walk into your office.

Me

Would you please stop wearing those really short dresses with those long ole legs of yours???????

What is it about T's legs that bothers you?

Dear T,

You would be so proud of me.....I didn't think of him at all this past weekend....YAHOO !!!!

I actually already sent what's below. And I even feel stupid for sending it to her. And she's even seeing me again in a few hours. I don't know...I'm just having a hard time and I feel like I need to get rid of this, so I guess I'm posting it here to try to do that...

Dear T--

I'm sorry to be writing to you this way. It just feels like texting or calling is too intrusive, but things feel really painful right now, and I feel like I need to tell you before it's too much.

I feel like the way I feel, especially as far as missing you, really isn't supposed to be as painful and awful as it is. It doesn't feel right at all. I feel like maybe I haven't been able to explain it well enough or something, and it all feels completely impossible, though I'm really not sure what else to say to explain it better.

I feel like what you've been saying about me missing you or feeling like I need you or whatever is something along the lines of "Suck it up...you'll get used to it." And that's probably true, but right now I don't feel like I can suck it up and just be OK missing you or wanting you to be someone else. It's excruciating beyond my capability to manage, and I feel like I need you to tell me to go away so it all feels better and so I can stop missing you or wanting you to be someone else or whatever. I think I need you to be blunt in a way you haven't been yet, or at least that I haven't been able to hear. I feel miserable, and I can't stop hoping you can help me not feel miserable. But I need to stop hoping, at least in the way I have been so far. I really feel like this is a form of suffering that needs to end as immediately as possible.

I'm sorry I'm not doing this right and that I haven't figured it out on my own yet, but can you please help? I feel stupid about it all, and it seems like I can't get to the right place about any of it on my own. I'm sorry.

--2or3

Dear T,

Your email so warmed my heart - thank you. I needed it so badly. I am hurting so much right now. Getting into my core issue has been very difficult and left me soul weary. My heart is hurting - where has the confident, happy woman gone that was here a month ago? I miss her - I need her strength.

You committed yourself to walk with me through this journey - I am going to hold you to that commitment. I am also going to ask you to back off if I tell you "Not this week - I can't - I need a break". You know that I am strong and that I will go forward, but oh I am so afraid what it will do to me. So many issues we've tackled through the past few years have almost broken me. The depressions have been crippling, and I don't want to end up back in the hospital. Neither do I want to drink, SI, shoplift, or go back to OD'ing on pain meds.

Please continue to be patient, warm, compassionate, wise, caring. I know you will be - guess I just need the extra reassurance right now. Keep reminding me that you're here for me, and that it's safe, and that I'm in the here and now, not back in the past. That's really scary for me - when I get caught up in the memories and the moment, and have difficulty telling the difference. I don't want to dissociate again - that really frightened me.

Just keep telling me I can do this, and that I'm a good person. That's all I need to hear actually...

Dear T -
I really, really need your help right now. I sent you the txt message update like you asked, and I know I didn't ask for you to call me. But, I really wish you'd read between the lines and call me anyway. If I ask you to call me, I'll feel like a failure. It's hard to be strong right now, though, and I wish I didn't have to be. It's hard to not give in to bad coping skills, and I'm resisting but I'd rather give in. It's hard to stay present and not just check out from reality and crawl in a hole.

Dear T: Are you ok? You really did look tired today. I wanted to ask but didn't want to be nosy. I care about you and I hope you would call and tell me if you need to reschedule. Take care of you okay? love, me

Dear T,
I have no idea how we are going to cover everything tomorrow...I've been all over the place. But I have been looking forward to our appointment for two weeks.
Me.

After not seeing you for 2.5 weeks I saw you today. Just as we were finishing up you drop a bomb on me. Not only are you leaving in 2 months, you are taking 3 weeks holiday during those 3 months.

I am shaking. And now I'm supposed to stay here for a 2 hr group which you are running. How am I meant to do that?!

I was just dealing with the fact you are leaving and now you are taking 3 weeks holiday before you leave.

I am so mad! And hurt.

I just want to walk out of here. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't.

I do not feel safe. My stupid mind is coming up with new ways to hurt myself. I don't feel safe. I can't tell you this though.

T I feel like I need to appear hard. I can't risk showing weakness now, especially since I don't see you this week. I am not hard, though. I am broken. I am scared. I have lost so much in the last few years;I wonder what I will lose next. I am so afraid to find out.

Dear T:

Two worries about expressing anger and hate in therapy:

1. I still feel unforgiven.
2. I still don't understand what the rules are.

Dear T,

You should probably stop wasting your time on me.. I think I am pretty much beyond help when it comes to my panic. You gave it a good try, so I appreciate you trying. I don't know how much more effort I can put into getting better, b/c right now it seems as though it is not working.

Thanks,
Healed.

The thing is, no matter how hard I work in therapy or what i work on or how long I work i can never ever get away from my awful, horrible self and that is the worst thing of all. I just can't live with myself, inside my body. it's too too too much. And i wish that you had called me back today, but i guess you don't really care at all. And that's ok because i don't care either anymore.

This might be a case of the wounded holding up the wounded, but I truly don't think you're a horrible person. I know what it's like to feel that way, though, especially the part about it being too much.

Gentle hugs to you.

I give up.

Lifelike, I''m sorry you're feeling so bad. I wish I could say something helpful.

You don't give up on others!

((likelife))