Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

dear T, thanks for trying

Dear T,
thanks for keeping it light last night. it seems to me you are attempting to establish eye contact, ie,, do you want some water? do you want a copy of that sheet? do you want to schedule an appt before you leave? all of these would have required me to look at you... can't yet. way too scary... sorry

thanks for sharing; my head was absolutely kicking my *****....
lol, would have taken you up on an offer of tylenol if you had asked...just couldn't ask you for it..

again, thank you for being gentle, calm and most of all not yelling or hurting my feelings

Dear T,

Thanks for being what I need, rather than what I want.

Love,
Chopin

Dear T,
I get it now. I get why you want my to tell you I am angry or frustrated in session - and why I need to say it right away. Now I've worked myself through the frustration I had about last session, but I missed out on the opportunity of working through it with you instead of on my own. I missed the opportunity of dealing with the emotions as a team. I get it now. It's not as effective to talk about it when we meet two weeks from now. My emotions will be completely different by then. I am just so used to doing everything by myself. It's what I go to naturally. I am sorry I am so resistant and thick-skulled about this. Thank you for being patient with me.

Dear T,

I know we are trying to get to the root of my pain, but you know as well as I do what it is. Sometimes I don't think there is any healing. Sometimes pain is too deep to heal. Why can't you believe that?

Squiggle

Dear T,

I know today is your 50th b-day, but I shouldn't know that. Happy b-day. I hope you have a wonderful day.

I really miss you.

I wish I could be real to you.

xT sorry I won't do it again.

Dear T,

I don't want to live anymore. I'm tired of everything being a battle. Nothing I do makes me feel any better and I want to be done.

Dear T,

I know you want me to slow down and not push myself to solve all my issues at once. I know you're worried about my ability to handle it all, but I feel a very strong urge to get the CSA resolved before my mom passes and I have to deal with my grief, too.

I'm sorry you have to deal with me. I should not come back, but I keep coming back to torment you anyway. I hate myself so much.

Right now , in this moment, I feel okay about the idea of not seeing you again. But I know it will pass.

I've been having those thoughts again today. Earlier I felt resigned to it. Not sure how I feel now. I wish I could talk to you but I don't even know what I'd say. And I think I know what your advice would be - but I HAVE! It seems to be working on what I'm doing, but more and more feelings keep coming up - does that happen sometimes? Is that normal? I feel like my mind is being flooded with negative thoughts - but they're all very real problems. It's hard not to feel hopeless. I broke down at the farm today, couldn't stop crying. This isn't supposed to happen now I'm medicated! It almost makes me want to be a zombie again. Someone tried to cheer me up but she just couldn't have understood, she was all 'get into that fighting spirit and push yourself!' and I was just like '...' - people think it's so easy. I used to remember back when I could think like that, back when I thought I was kinda depressed. This is not the same thing. People can have the best intentions yet be so patronising. Thank you for never patronising me.

Dear T,

I'm really tired and sad this week. I've had a wonderful four months and now I feel like the black hole is back and getting ready to swallow me up. I'm really scared and frightened and wish I could just tuck myself into your pocket.

Dear t,
I want to isolate. I want to si just to feel something besides these rapid downs. It's not about getting attention anymore. I am so frustrated with my inability to turn around my thoughts right now. Two weeks is too long between sessions.
Me

Dear T,

You know that I am not trying to be mean or ugly to you in our sessions. I know that I can be very sarcastic and openly defiant. In a strange, weird way, it makes me feel better to be able to do that with you. Can you handle it?

Squiggle

Dear T,

Thanks for your observations.. they really, for the most part have been right on. Thanks for seeing that I needed to be seen regulary once a week and noting that you have been so busy, that I should my appointment a month out so I am assured a time. That makes me feel a little safe, and more confident to explore the issues that have been brought up latley. Thanks for seeing that there was more underneath all of my anxiety and depression and for not be afraid to ask about it. That being said, please see that I am not sure that I am ready to talk about it all right now. Please, please, please be patient. I will likley disclose the things I remember.. it will take time, some warming up to the idea of talking about anything like that with you, and confidence in myself that I can really deal with it all. I don't have any doubt that you are capeable of working through this with me, following my lead. Just be warned.. I need time. Oh, and I am very nervous about our appointment this afternoon.. the thought of sitting waiting for you to come out and get me is terrifying me this week. Don't be suprised if you find me in the hallway instead of in the waiting room.

Sometimes you annoy me so much I can barely stand it.

Ok, T, I'm doing that thing where I play out scenarios in my head about why you didn't write me back. At first I thought you were gone on vacation, and I wouldn't expect you to write me back then. But then I was paying some bills online and saw that you cashed my check when I had assumed you were gone. It looks like you were around for four days after I sent you that last email, but you never wrote me back.

Of course, it's your prerogative whether to write me or not, but oy, I'd love it if I could stop spinning around in my head about this.

dear T,

why oh why did I tell you those things yesterday. No living soul has ever heard them.
I want to take them back. Never happened, never said it happened.

SAWE

it tooks me months and months to sit in the waiting room. first i started out outside, then the hallway, then the waiting room... a few times t came and got me in my car.
i was that scared and that afraid.

good luck today and know you are not alone.

dear C
while we are so deeply appreciative of you taking us on as your clients,2 weeks between sessions is JUST. TOO. LONG!!!!! we realize youre very very busy and this is a special thing youre doing for us but we need to see you every week. much too much gets built up and we need to share it with you,in person and not on a screen.

Dear T,
I am sorry.
Me.

Dear T,
Everything is going wrong, loosing everyone, can't do this anymore. I want to give up but your giving me hope and making my decision even harder.

Dear T,
we agreed that I'd try to open communications with my husband this Easter weekend. Well, it didn't happen. I was too chicken to try.
In addition, I think I may have burnt my bridges with the one friend I could talk to about how terrible I've been feeling.
And since I can't really talk to you either, I've decided that my emotions and issues are not worth talking about at all.
Sincerely, Apteryx

Dear T,

I want to cancel again this week. I'm closer to doing it than I have been in the past. I know I've just been talk up to this point.

But at the same time, I keep thinking about how much I miss you. It's been two weeks already. I haven't gone three weeks without seeing you in a really long time. It seems like it would be good for me, learning to better tolerate the distance. Everyday I bump up against reminders of what you can't be for me, to the point where I'm no longer sure what you can be for me.

I need to decide this by tonight. I don't want to tell you why I want to cancel, though I probably should. I probably want to test you a little bit, to see if you'll ask me why I'm canceling. You won't, and that's okay, though. I wish I didn't feel like testing your caring for me. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's still there. I still feel hurt that you never responded to my request for something to hold onto while you were away. Apparently I wasn't clear enough in what I asked for in person, and still not clear enough in my email.

I don't know what to do, T.