Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Pbutton did something happen? A really bad tuesday for a lot of us it seems.

Sadly, no, nothing new happened to me today. I'm just feeding the demons in my head again. Typical pbutton headcase stuff. I drive myself crazy.

dear t: i wanna talk to you right now. bah that i can't. but i still love you anyway. me

dear t,

I am not cut out for this life. I am not cut out to be a parent. I am not cut out to exist.

Dear T,

Alright so we have been discussing and working on this transference issue ( with ex t ) , but I feel that I will always have these feelings for him....Does that make me a bad person???? I cannot help or control the way my heart feels.....

Me....

Dear T,

Thanks so much for today's appointment. I felt reassured, not given up on, and not beyond help. It is good to have somebody believe in me, when I don't believe in myself right now. I walked into today's appointment feeling very disconnected to you and too needy.. and I walked away feeling the exact opposite. I am gald. Hopefully, we can continue in this direction.

Healed.

Dear T,

Today (March 28th) is my 50th birthday. We have our session this afternoon. You mentioned that we should share a cupcake or something to celebrate. Did you really mean that? Or were you just making a casual comment? It would be nice if you had a birthday card for me. You probably won't even remember so I may as well not expect anything at all. I won't bring it up.

Squiggle

Dear t,
I am so tired of having a great week or two and then falling right back into the depression. Why do I even hope that this time will be different? I know it won't be. It's just the same pattern over and over and over. Why do I even make the effort anymore? I wish I could go back to just believing it was stress and bad stretch at work. Today I feel like

Squiggle, first, happy birthday.
I just turned fifty last month and as someone told me
"fifty doesn't feel as bad as it sounds"
this gave me some comfort. hope it helps you as well
take care, jb

I was trying so hard to be really honest and open even though you're leaving.

after Monday I don't want to. but I don't know why.

I feel so alone. I can't do this anymore .

Dear T,

I am still really embarrassed by what I emailed you last night, but your response this morning was so sweet and thoughtful. You knew I'd be freaking out all week if I heard nothing from you. Thanks for going above and beyond once again, I appreciate it more than you know.

That said, I'm still feeling really weird about things. Every natural instinct inside of me tells me not to trust anyone anymore, not to tell anyone anything. So why did I tell you that? You've given me no reason not to trust you, and I think I do, but still it feels wrong in some ways. You say you don't judge me, but are you speaking strictly as a therapist, or as a person as well? If I was not your client, would you still not judge me for this? I know you have said you're not going anywhere and won't abandon me like everyone else, but how do I know that? I'm so afraid of something happening that would prevent me from seeing you again. That would be the very last straw for me, the last time I would ever trust anyone ever again... so crap, this better be real.

Dear T,

I am so, so tired.

I'm a little angry with you right now, but I want to smash myself.

What's up with that?

Dear T,

As I sit here thinking on what we talked about the other day, I feel quite obsessed thankyouverymuch with how you feel about me. I'll never be brave enough to ask that question.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR CSA...







Dear T,

I told you that my anxiety was higher than it had been on the day of our appointment, but I didn't tell you why. I went in there with a clear agenda, a couple of things that I needed to say. I said everything, but one. I came close to it.. Dancing around the subject, but could not actually spit the words out. It actually would have been the best time to bring it up as we were talking about the shame that I carry around with me. I was admitting to the fact that I carry shame and guilt about things that happend almost 17 years ago, stuff the happened in middle school, stuff that happend 3 years ago, talking about how I just can't let it all go. You asked me what I could have possibly done at 10 or 11yrs old that I would still feel shamed about now? You gave me an oppurtunity to speak up, but instead I just said I don't want to talk about it right now. You, pressed the issue again and I was still stubborn...

The truth is, I want to tell you.. however, when I think about blurting those words out in front of you.. I just can't. I have written it down, but even then the thoughts, the words behind the story are too personal just to hand over to you and let you read. The truth is, that when I was 10 or 11 I let two boys about 5 years older than me, do stuff to me. Stuff that no 10 year old should be doing. The shame I feel about that day has haunted me since that day. It has effected how I reacted to every single male that has ever been in my life. The only person that knows is my husband. The fact that I kept it in for so long makes me feel even worse, like nobody will ever believe me b/c it happened so long ago. That because I never said the word "no" to those two teenagers that I was willing partcipant in the action and have no right to let it effect me, or cry abuse.

I am pretty sure this event effects me even today, the distrust I have for men, the fact that I can never let go of control in my own life, or even though I can't let go of control, I still doubt myself, see myself as not a good person, etc. This is all stuff that we have been talking about recently and I know if I just let you in on the peice of the puzzle it might all come together. I just don't know how to do it. I think about it, and then presented with the perfect time to spill my guts.. I retreat.

I am also afraid that if I tell you, you will think that you can't treat me anymore.. That for some reason, you will not feel comfortable talking to me about it... Like, I am beyond the scope of your help. I doubt that is true.. but I fear that this one event will change your view of me. And more than anything I need right now, it is to not be abandoned.

Please help,
Healed.

Dear T

I'm so anxious for our appt tomm. I feel like this is it either goes great and we repair the rupture or not and I'm back on google looking for a new T.

I have a feeling it's gonna be the latter cause u seem to think that I was attacking u. I just wanted support T. Cant u see I just need some support and nuturing till I'm string enough again?? Why do I have to be my own T??

How can I love and hate you at the same time? It's a sick sick addiction...

Dear T,
I know I told you I needed to write in my journal more before I could talk about some things...but I'm not writing about them at all. I just can't get myself to do it. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I want nothing more than to walk into our next session and start tackling this stuff. But that will never work if I don't do the work ahead of time. I know I can't just start talking off the top of my head about this. This is the stuff that's buried away deep inside. I can't call it to the surface on a moment's notice. I don't even know what's buried anymore. I am an emotional version of Hoarders.

Dear T,

I'm sorry I'm so much. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ***. I'm just sorry.

I wish you would tell me you love me (or don't) instead of dodging me all the time. I'm sorry I keep asking.

Dear T,

I'm going to do my best to hold back anger and sadness tomorrow. I know that these emotions can be good for my process but I have too much I need to accomplish with you tomorrow. I think I'll feel better for the week we have between appointments if I get as many blanks filled as possible instead of trying to let the couch swallow me. Seriously, I don't have time to "feel" tomorrow -- and it pisses me off because that's when I get the most connection.

Dear t,

I si'd early this morning. I did it to be able to sleep, but also because I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts again. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't handle another sleepless night again tonight and I am afraid of what will happen if I can't sleep again

To T

Oh dear, looks like I already told you something that I thought I didn't know how to. Only thing is, it's in an email.

Please respond kindly.

Dear T

Definately failed on trying to stay grounded today. It wasn't from a lack of effort it was just pure anger.

dear T,
i wish you wern't to busy for me

Sorry I feel the need to email you all sorts of ****. I know you're busy and I hate that I take up so much of your time... I'm just struggling, and reaching out to you helps me to cope, even if it's just venting those stray thoughts.. and, I'm trying to be 'real'... Thanks for everything, truly. Your kindness means so much to me. X

Dear T,

Thanks for getting back to me today.. It means a lot to me after the conversation we had about phone calls. Thanks for fitting me in this coming Monday morning. I am appreciative of the time you are willing to give me. Really, really hoping I can be honest with you then.

Healed.

Dear T

I felt like you were very short and irritated with me at our last session. Because of that I am angry at you right now. I'm sorry that I brought up my sui thoughts at the end of the session. You had a right to be upset about that as that was not fair to you. I wasn't expecting you to ask though if I needed to talk about them. Thank you for allowing me a couple extra minutes to talk about them. I know why you assumed that I stopped taking my meds, but it made me angry because I am still taking them. I am very confused right now....I don't know if my feelings of anger towards you are because of our last session or because of my low low mood. Everything right now in my life seems to have a negative spin to it, and I can't tell if that is the reason I am upset at our last session or if there was really something to be upset at. Please be gentle and patient with me at our next session because there is a good chance that my anger will come out as pure silence.