Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

thanks for today.

I wish! We talked about trying to work out a twice-a-week every OTHER week thing... which is still a possibility if I can make it work financially. If I could I'd see her everyday.


Dear T,

I sometimes feel like an idiot for revealing so much to you. We've only been working together for barely 4 months. I started revealing stuff right away to you... lots and lots of stuff. You seemed surprised I was so quick to trust you. At the time though, I was so desperate for ANYONE to listen to me and take me seriously. When I came to you and you listened... really listened, and seemed as if you really wanted to help me, I latched onto that as quickly as I could. I sometimes feel like a traitor for revealing so much to you after leaving my old T, who I knew, loved, and trusted for 12 years. I left her because I had to (moved away), but I still feel guilty about it. What would old T think if she knew I was so quick to open up to you? I still occasionally email with old T, and she asked about you... I was scared to let her know how much I like you. I just said "she's okay."

I have trouble letting people know how I really feel about them. I often wonder if you and old T have any idea how much you guys mean to me. Maybe it is obvious from my nightly novel-length emails, although sometimes that just seems like me being a selfish attention-seeker. Do you know how much I think about you everyday? How much I want to know what you are like in your own personal life? How I get jealous of your other clients and even your family? It is so hard for me to let you know these things... so when I do, it's usually in an email, and I'm sure it comes out awkwardly. "I find you inspiring." ugh seriously? I really said that. It sounds so dumb. Were you laughing as you read it?

I think I'm maybe a little lost and confused.
I wish I knew which direction my life was going to take.

Never. Mind. Clearly, I mustn't be bipolar, I must be BPD, because obviously I seem to have abandonment issues!! As much as I try to rationalize that:

1. Your email might have gone down, or
2. You're not checking it because maybe you're sick or something like last week

I'm thinking it's definitely:

3. You're not answering me because you think I've gotten clingy and annoying and dependent, I'm emailing you too much, and you want to teach me a lesson, get me to back the **** off, or just plain put me off therapy altogether because you don't want to treat me. I scared you away. You wanted me to open up, I did, and look what happened.

Please tell me I'm wrong.

The crazy thing? I am THIS close to emailing you this!! But I don't know what would hurt more - if I was wrong and I just ruined our relationship because I didn't trust you because I'm still that cynical ***** I always was, or if I'm right and this is a mind game, or if again you don't reply and then I get stuck with this feeling until Wednesday, wondering.

ETA: The reply helps a little, but I guess 'wondering' it is.

Dear T
I just had a major breakdown this weekend , we only just started emdr, i have migraines daily,now you are talking about ending
therapy, are you smoking crack?

Dear T.

.

why.

Thank you for honoring our relationship and making it more real for me by talking about it. Because of that, I was able to tell you about not wanting to come last night, about thoughts of taking a break or quitting therapy, even just walking away without any more contact. I was able to talk about jealousy and envy and how I have been thinking you can't possibly relate to me, and I can't possibly relate to you when we are so different in so many ways. We aren't don't talking about it and that feels really good. I expected it would feel really awful.

Thanks for really searching within yourself when I told you what started this, and for saying you thought it was a kind of patting yourself on the back.

Funny that talking with you about all this made me feel that we really do relate very well

thank you. thank you. thank you.

Dear T,

I really want to call you and tell you how low I have been feeling. How, I am not sure how to get past this feeling. However, I am not sure that there is anything that you can do for me. I don't know if it is an urgent enough to call and talk to you on the phone about it. I really want to tell you about SI, but I don't want to do it over the phone. I am not sure I can hold all of these things in until the 27th..

Dear T,

Our new email arrangement was working great for me yesterday. Not so much today. I really need to stop anticipating that you will respond to the nuances of what I write you. I will try my best to read your words as if they have compassion behind them. I imagine they do, but sometimes they fall kind of flat and my head wants to interpret all kinds of things about them.

Your four-word response to my gently teasing email (that didn't at all address the tender things I was saying) stung. Reading it made my stomach hurt and my head feel spinny. I'm going to write this here, because I really need to get on with my day and take care of the people *I* need to take care of.

I hope you enjoy your weekend. I will try to enjoy mine without being preoccupied with this whole email thing. And I will try to remember the hundreds and thousands of kind words that you've given me over the years. Thank you for those.

Dear T -

I think I need to see you more often, but I don't know how to ask for what I need. I was trying to cut back on seeing you, hoping to detach and handle my problems on my own... but I don't think I'm ready for that step. I hate asking for help - I avoid it at all costs - but it helps so much to talk with you and have you listen so attentively. I wish I could get that in my life without having to pay for it!

And I completely understand why you don't email - no explanation needed. But thank you so much for getting back to me with an alternate plan.
I definitely have "loving feelings" towards you.

-winter

Dear T,

Just wanted to tell you how nice it is to be celebrating small victories, like my feeling "normal" whatever the h*ll that means.

BTW you're really adorable when you're zonked on cold medicine and trying to act like you're making sense I actually left your office laughing today - could you hear me?? Yes, I do know how to laugh!!

I thought you were the ONE person who knew and understood me. Now that I know that isn't true, I feel so much more alone in this world. I know you care about me a lot. That is why I do not understand that you would forget such crucial details about me. I am just so sad and disappointed.

I swear I'm going to stop trying to pick it all apart, trying to read into things and anticipate rejection so I can reject you first. I think that's what it is. You're wonderful, really, I'm grateful for everything, and I know I'm being stupid... but I'm paranoid I'm going to lose you somehow. I'm just scared and unsettled, my mood is all over the place right now, and I'm trying to wrap my head around it all. Bear with me, please!

Dear T.

where did you go?

Dear T,

I miss you a lot tonight.

I want you to be my father and care about me like a father. Sigh. That feels SO yucky and gross and repulsive. I am awful.

Dear T,
How can I love you and hate you at the same time?

Dear T,

I hate when you answer an email in that 'clinical way'. I know you better than that. You don't talk like that to me in a session. Why do you do that in emails?

Squiggle

Hmm I hope you're okay, T. It isn't like you to not respond to me, especially twice. I must be making some progress, though, if my first thought is concern rather than "Oh god you really do hate me this time, don't you?" You were clearly not feeling well on Wednesday so I hope you aren't very sick or anything. I guess I'll know one way or another if I hear from you or otherwise I'll see you at next session.

Dear T.

You will always hold a special place in my heart. I appreciate all that you have done for me and I will always look back on this time fondly.

Dear T,

You know it's been on my mind for 2 months now. You know how tired I am of this all. You know it is specific and thorough and well thought out. You just don't know when. Well neither do I. I wonder if it will be sooner than I think? It is only a matter of time. I wish this suffering would end, or at least something would end. I'm tired. So very very tired. And no one can help me. No one.

Lauru..I'm sorry you are in such a bad place... It may "feel" like no one can help you right now... but if you contact your T. to let it be known how bad you are feeling... I know that your T. can get you the help you need... can you reach out and contact T? I will be thinking about you...

She knows how I feel, I tell her. I also promised I would call her before anything happened. I guess she is trusting me. I don't know if she should or not, to be honest. She knows how bad it is. There is just nothing she can do. She can't make it go away, not even the pdoc can. They try, but it is hopeless. Life is hopeless. The question is when will I have the strength I need? But thank you for thinking of me

Dear T-

Why are you encouraging me to find help elsewhere? Where are you going? Or are you just pushing me away? I need support and you aren't answering me. Where do I go now?