Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

I'm so stuck and underdeveloped as a person. After all of this time, where do we go from here? So lost.

growly cat, I guess the only way to go is forward I hope you can. I think you're a great person

"...I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry..."

Dear T,

Its been 6 months since our first visit... According to you, I am doing fantastic All my meds were a perfect combination first go round! its almost like I am not bipolar at all!?? Iv only missed and rescheduled my appointment 3 times b/c Ive been in a depressed state for so many months, dont leave my house, and EMOTIONLESS. Today, I have no one left to talk, friends gone, family, even my kids left to stay with my mom... so i sit here alone, numb, and ask myself, what is my purpose? .... ????? ..... ????
you are no different than anyone else in this world. I was told I could trust you, you cared and you would pay attention to me. I bet you dont even know my name without looking at the file first. I am very hurt, You failed me.. Its been almost 6 months and you dont have a clue where my head is. you didnt take the time to see I wanted help, I asked for help, I begged in tears, and now you know why my obituary will be in next sundays paper.

your patient, bIpOlaR2mIxEd

Dear T,
I wish I could tell you that I have struggled with alcohol and cutting, but I'm afraid you'll tell my parents. I don't want them to hurt anymore because of me.

T

Things are really, really, really bad for me right now. This is the result of what we talked (or didn't talk) about today. This is not easy. This is so far from being easy. I don't know how to begin to describe the pain. It's almost unbearable. I don't think I can manage another appointment if it finishes like the one today did. I'm a lost cause anyway.

Dear T,

Last appointment you shared with me somethings you would like to see from me, before we start spacing out my appointments. You want me to accept me, to accept myself the way I am.. Flaws and all. It doesn't mean that I can't work on things, and get better. But, that I don't beat myself up for having problems. At first, I found knowing that as a good thing. Now, I am just daunted by that task. The truth is.. I don't think I have ever been happy with myself, ever accepted myself the way I am. Never been happy with myself. And... I don't think I ever will be. Some how, it seems counter productive.. shouldn't we all strive to be better? Don't we always have something to work on? I am sooo confused now. I suppose we have a heck of a lot of work to do. The only thing I ask, please don't leave me in the process.

Healed.

Dear T, There was something I was going to show you last week but I wasn't in the right place to be able to do it. Something I found on the internet that relates to something that happened when I was little. It will be really hard to show you. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed and wrong. I've been having other little memories about things that mean something to me but I afraid you'll think I'm pathetic and dramatic and that these things don't mean anything.

I so, so, so want to email you right now. It's only been 2 hours since I left your office, though, and so it feels kind of ridiculous. Besides, what would I even say?

I'm sorry for being such a loser.

Crap, crap, crap. I just emailed you the most self-loathing rant I think I've ever written. I'm so sorry. I think this definitely goes against the email agreement we had. Crap. Stupid impulse control.

Will you forgive me? I'm really, really sorry. I just couldn't hold on to it. Couldn't think about it anymore. Couldn't see the words staring back at me.

Crap! What is wrong with me?

Trigger for SI:










I've gone back to burning myself. I think it makes me clean somehow, even though I can never really be pure, innocent or clean. It makes me feel that way for an instant. And it also punishes me. So two for the price of one.

Dear T

Go ahead and relay your concerns to everybody...

I am just useless, worthless, and hopeless...

sorry...i really just don't know anymore...


*goes back under blanket...*

I feel very unworthy and undeserving of your time and energy. I want to give my appointment away to someone better

Dear T:
I want to celebrate what I consider a breakthrough, but I am so worried about how our session ended. Were you frustrated with me? Angry? When I admitted my people pleasing issues did you start to wonder if that's what I've been doing in sessions? I couldn't tell why I suddenly got this very cold almost clinical reaction from you...and time was up. I couldn't ask. I've never felt that from you. I felt like I failed in some way. Did I screw up?

I was in such a centered place yesterday and this morning. I don't want to dwell on those last five minutes and turn them into something that might not even be there.

I wish our next appointment wasn't two whole weeks away....

For what it is worth, I totally understand the punish part and two for the price of one. My other part is different from yours, but the combination punishment and resolution, seems at times a bargain.

Dear T,
After calling you, I was not sure you would call back. Thank you for calling me back and not making a big deal for "quitting"; (and no contacting me) . Thank you for not filling my spot because you thougt I 'd call after I calmed down.. I'm glad you did not give up on me.

Dear T, the psycho-dynamic approach is not working anymore, I told you in the past that I needed more structure-and you said its not your style. I tried to push through it but it just isn't working for me anymore and I need something different. I'm sorry but after 2 years-i think it may be time for a referral.

Dear T:

I changed my journal writing. I want to show you the change - actually show you the change in my handwriting. Before it was all nice and neat - just in case you read it. But you told me you would never ask to read it. So I don't know why I felt the need to continue to carefully plan out my writing in there.

That all stopped after last session. I don't what happened at the end, but I feel like you were upset with me. Your reaction felt so cold and I felt very, very small. I was afraid to even speak when you were taking my payment. I didn't know how to process that because all I could see was my side. I didn't have a chance to ask what was going on. So I came home and started journaling nicely and then it all came pouring out - uncensored and raw. And I liked the feeling. At first I hated what I discovered about myself doing this, but now I am thankful for it.

I want to share this change with you, because now I feel ready. I feel ready to tackle that buried stuff. I feel like some block has been lifted for me- like I am finally ready to feel things - but I want you there with me to help me process and help me push through - because I am terrified of getting stuck again.

Even though I am really concerned about how last session ended, I want you to know I really do trust you. More than I trust anyone else with all this darkness I have inside me. You see the part of me no one else does.

Me.

Dear T,

I feel on edge after our last session. I don't like it. Why did you open up a can of worms I didn't even know about. I think I will start repairing the wall you tried to take down.

This sounds really tough, TryingToGetBy. I do think that therapy is the one thing that is truly *yours* and it should not be able what style suits T, but what style suits *you*. If he's not willing or able to adapt to your needs, and if you've tried it his way for so long, then perhaps it is wise to find someone who'd be a better match, although I can imagine this might feel very sad after such a long time with your current T

Dear T,

Today I read where Albert Camus wrote "To lose one's life is a little thing and I shall have the courage to do so if it is necessary; but to see the meaning of this life dissipated, to see our reason for existing disappear, that is what is unbearable. One cannot live without meaning."

You tell me I have resources, and I know it is true. But it is the meaning behind life I don't have. And I don't know how to get it back... it I can get it back.

I was starting to see the meaning come back to me as I worked through therapy and the trauma. But something happened. I can't tell you and I am drinking a little so jotting it out on PC for the world to see and not you. Not that I believe you care any more actually. In fact, I honestly don't trust you any more. I don't trust you to not vanish into thin air even if it harmed me. I don't trust you to know that I can be hurt by you. I don't trust you to want to understand me because I see that you think you have me figured out now. But I hide too much and I know that. I can't tell you everything and I can't hide important things from you. That makes me firmly believe I can't get help any further and that makes me feel alone even more than before I had therapy. At least there was always a chance I would not be so alone with whatever this is.

I don't even know if I am making any sense. It is just whatever it is. I don't know what to do or where to go. I keep trying to go to my resources but those people are dead or not in the flesh. They remind me even more solidly how I just don't fit into the world of the living! How the only people I ever did have who did understand me are gone. Maybe that is why I think you will vanish.

Me

((((((((((WePow))))))))))

I'd been wondering why you haven't been posting much lately. I'm sorry that you're not in such a good place right now. You fit into the world here VERY much and I miss you and I care about you very much!

Thank you. It is so very hard and I've been spending the past few months in denial that I need something different. It's all coming to a head now. Thank you for the supportive words

Dear T,

I don't think you believe me...I don't think anyone does...will you do my service still? you know deep down I love you-and I have had the most intense moments with you...and I think you will miss me...I'm taking too many sleep aids and nyquill again...I sleep all the time...I'm not alive inside anymore anyways...lets make it match on the outside