Squiggle is a Stalker! I never thought I would do this, but I did.

No I believe privilege applies.

The weird thing is that I really don't feel inferior most of the time. She doesn't make me feel that way at all. But there are times when I feel that my issues make me look so much less of a person than she is. I guess if I knew her quirks and things, I might think differently.

I wish that I could trust her more than I do. I think I do trust her, but obviously I don't or I would not be worrying about this. I am not going to lose sleep over this (again), but I do have a knot in my stomach when I think about it. I don't know why she wrote in her email that I seem to try to sabotoge therapy when things are going well. That is something I will need to ask her about.

The time that a T would have to disclose a crime would be if you are abusing someone (ie child/elder/disabled individual), or if you threaten to hurt someone (part of being a danger to yourself or others). For example if you disclosed that you robbed a bank, that would not be something they would pass on.

I can relate to this. Big time.

Then I've misunderstood your point.

I thought you were saying, don't confess any actual crimes to your T.

Trust me, you are not a stalker.....I have done the same things with my ex t.... And what makes that worse, in my line of work, I could really find out some personal information.... UGH !!!!

I am trying to think how to approach this with my therapist tomorrow. I want to go in there and say something like, "This is a very awkward position that I am in. I know that you are aware of what I have knowledge of, but I want to know how you REALLY feel about that. I don't want you to ask ME how I feel about it. What do you feel? Does it bother you at all?"

Then I want to explain to her why we (clients) have this need to know that our therapists are real people. It's not that I am obsessed with her at all. I just NEED to know that I am SAFE with this person! Can't they understand that? Why do I need that from her? I don't need that from my regular MD. I don't need that from my psychiatrist, but I do need that from her.

I am going to try my best to be as straight forward as I can. I am not going to go in there like a puppy with its tail between its legs! I want to be able to stand tall and present myself like a normal person with a normal curiousity who had every right to want to know more about the person she is working with.

I just wonder how I would feel if things were reversed. I was the therapist and she was the client. How would I feel if one of my clients googled me? To be honest, it would not bother me at all. I don't have anything to hide. I wouldn't be upset one bit about it. Maybe this is how she feels? Then why does she want me to talk about why I was motivated to look up this information? What difference does it make "why" I did it?

Trying to talk with my husband about this is pointless. He does not understand it at all. I have been with my therapist for almost 2 years and she has done nothing but good for me. He doesn't understand why it matters where she lives or anything else about her outside of the therapy session. I can't make him understand what it is like to be in therapy. I don't think anyone that hasn't gone through this can understand how emotionally challenging it is.

You know, its not that I needed to know 'where' she lives, as much as it was 'how' she lives. For some reason, it helps me to know her economic status. It makes me more comfortable with her. That is so hard to explain to most people. They would ask me why it matters where 'she' lives. Therapy is not about her, it is about me. "Me" needs to be comforted, validated, safe, secure, and respected. That's why it matters.

Hi,
I've been reading this thread because I just went through this the other week with my therapist. I do a lot of writing about things and wrote one talking about my doing internet searches on previous therapists (I've had a few plus one who really violated lots of boundaries) including her. Also another thing that I confessed to her is my love for her being more than my love for my mom and wishing I was her daughter. She was not upset at all about my telling her about my love for her. She was not upset that I had found stuff on her. I showed her some of the things I found during my next session. She has been so great with everything that I have told her about and I was so scared that it was sure not to happen this time. I don't want her to abandon me. I am very honest with her (which she appreciates) and felt like I really had to come clean about my transference for her and finding out info about her that she had not told me. The therapist that I had that crossed boundaries had given me some of the stuff about herself so I guess I assumed that it was my right to have that same info about any other therapist in the future. It has been difficult for me to trust her cause of previous therapist however now I do trust her a lot and I'm just scared that this time is going to be the same as it was back when I was going to the other therapist. I so very much was scared about telling therapist and I probably over reacted (I have a tendency to do that) and catastrophized (her word that she uses when I do this). Everything's a catastrophy with me it seems. I need to stop doing that. I too remember anniversaries of things and my 3 year anniversary of therapy with her will be this May. I also told her that I had saved stuff to my computer and wanted to get rid of it and only keep things that the therapist gave me personally as well as things that are truly mine that relate to therapy with that therapist. I did get rid of all that stuff and kept the stuff that I was allowed to. It was seriously difficult to do. The transference I have for her and the internet searches are still on my mind. I too have a therapy session Wed (tomorrow) and I think these topics might be discussed again.
Squiggle I hope that you have a good session on Wedensday. I just realized what time it is - 8 minutes till 3AM. My appointment is at 2PM. Must go to sleep. Hope my post wasn't too long. Have a great day.

Squiggle - this makes SO much sense to me:

"You know, its not that I needed to know 'where' she lives, as much as it was 'how' she lives."

I'm curious about things like this with my T too - like who does the cooking at home? Who does the cleaning? Does T have a housekeeper? Does T do the laundry? Who does the homework help? What does a typical Friday evening at Ts house look like?

I mean, I know T is human, and I know the T we "see" in the office is a real person, but we get that hyperfocus and 100% attention, so it can't be "real world" real. Sometimes I'm glad curiosity killed the cat, so it won't kill me

Good luck today... hoping your appointment went well!

Good luck today, Squiggle!

I really think this is something most therapists would not (and should not) be surprised about. I think they should just assume most of their clients will be curious and may do a little digging...

I do wonder if our therapists google us like we google them... do they look us up on facebook? (funny... my therapist keeps coming up on my "suggested friends" list!! I think because we email a lot and our emails are stored in facebook somehow... so awkward though, I wonder if I come up on her suggested friends list as well???)

And yeah, people like your husband who have never been in therapy will NOT understand. The therapist-client relationship is something you have to experience yourself on either end to ever really fully "get."

Anyway, good luck! After reading this thread I am anxious to hear how it goes today.

This is an interesting conversation. I dont see it as you having done anything wrong. Nothing to confess. My t expects to be researched online. Shes said before " its all out there on google, feel free to look me up". People look each other up. Ppl do research. Ppl are curious about everyone in their lives these days and due to the nature of the internet its all out there whether we like it or not.

I sent my therapist an email last night to let her know what I was feeling and what we would need to work on today. When I got there, she asked me where I wanted to start (Hate that question!). I told her I didn't know, so she pulled up the email I had sent her. She asked me how I was feeling about finding her address. I told her that it wasn't bothering me so much anymore, but I wanted to know if it was bothering her.

She was like, "No, its okay. It's not something that I really want my clients to know, but it is easy to find if they really want to know." Then she looked at me like, "Okay, now what would you like to talk about?" So, she didn't think anything about it at all? She wanted to know what made me get so panic stricken about it. That is what we worked on today. Why do I go to such an extreme level of anxiety when I think I have done something wrong? Why do I automatically think I am going to be rejected and tossed aside?

I can't answer that, but it is true. There are things that can send me to a level of anxiety that I know is WAY over the top. But I can't stop it. This is what we will work on. How to stop those thoughts before they get out of hand. She told me that when she read my email, she didn't know what to think. I told her that I had something to tell her, but it would upset her and I didn't know if I should because she may kick me out of therapy.

She said that when she first read it, she thought, "What in the world could it be? Is she stalking my kids?" Then she said that she told herself, "This is Squiggle. It is probably nothing and she is beating herself up about it for no reason." She talked about the fact that the fear of rejection is a core issue for me and we needed to work on it. I was like "We have been working on it for 2 years! Don't tell me I haven't tried!".

She calmed me down and acknowledged all of the progress I have made. She named specific incidents where I was able to work through them without having an anxiety attack. But, she also told me that I have yet to be able to tell myself that it is okay to be upset about what happened in my first marriage.

The was no real abuse. He was just contolling and I was in a religion that was very controlling. No one intentionally set out to hurt me, they just thought their way was the 'right way to God'. I felt like I could never meet up to those standards and always felt that I was not good enough. I can't blame them for what I was feeling.

This is where she tells me that blame is not what we are talking about. Hurt is the issue. Intentionally or not, people can get hurt by the actions of others. It's not so much about 'who' hurt me, as it is about the effects of the wound. I guess this makes sense? Maybe she is right? I don't know. This therapy stuff gets so complicated!

With all that being said, my session was great. Very relaxed and easy. I had no problem making eye contact. I did tell her that I googled her address and saw her house. She didn't act like that was any big deal. I am glad that its over with.

Thanks to all of you for helping me get through this.