Squiggle is a Stalker! I never thought I would do this, but I did.

Ooh - now this is interesting since I like to sit on the physio's couch (she shares the room) which means I am fairly high off the floor and sitting next to her chair which means I'm not in her direct eyeline.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack. Got carried away. Squiggle, I too have spent ages googling my T. Didn't get very far but did find out where she lived and then did a drive-by. I felt like a love-sick teenager with a crush.

I have seen her family. Spoken with her children. Know the line of work her husband does, but not where he works. She is pretty open to most things. I did ask her last session about her sex life. That is because she kept asking me about mine! I turned that question on her and said, "How is yours?"

I don't think she liked me doing that. She could see I was angry and trying to avoid that topic, but she knew I needed to address it. I am tired of feeling like she has this perfect life. She may not. But I imagine that she does. It appears that she does. She says that she is at peace and that she has a good marriage.

When I think about that, it makes me cry. I want that SO BAD, but it is not going to happen. My life is so very different from hers. This makes me upset with her. I feel like she can't know what I am going through. She admits she can't, but she tells me that it doesn't mean she can't help me sort through my feelings and emotions about it. She can still help me to make better choices that will benefit me.

Why am I so mean to her? Why do I get so angry with her? I wish I didn't, but I do. She is very petite and cute. To me she has it all. Why does any of this matter? That is what I am trying to figure out.

Should I tell her? She has handled everything else very well, so why would she handle this any differently? There has to be some reason I am doing this. There is something deeper that I feel needs to be brought to the surface and worked on.

I also found out that if I google her business name, her physical address is right there for anyone to see. I wonder if she knows that?

Squiggle, this made me smile. I have done this with my previous T and with my current T. I'm not sure if you should tell or not. I would recommend if you do tell, say it about "another person"...........such as I looked up all this info on my ex-boyfriend and I'm not sure why or something like that. It also sounds like you want to protect your T from anyone else looking her info up.............which is sweet..........it means you care about her. She may honestly not know but you can tell her in a way that is not direct..............such as "I Squiggle looked up all this info online about myself and I could not BELIEVE how easy it was".
I told my first T I had looked up his info. He did not handle it well in my opinion. He was nice and all but I felt like he looked at me differently after that. My current T knows I did with my previous T, but has never asked me if I did with him............thank goodness. I'm way more attached to current T than previous T so of course I have looked up even more stuff, but I have found it as a way to connect with him and honestly, curiosity. I don't ever plan on telling him. If he asks me............I dunno, but he hasn't yet.

OMG Squiggs! I think you just helped me with what I have been unable to recognize in my problem with my T! THANKS SQUIGGS!!!!

It is that I don't feel like I'm her equal or good enough for her. I always thought it was that she didn't like me, but I knew that wasn't right as she's always said she does and Ive believed her.

Crap! the problem is in me after all! Now I have to fix it- right?

I don't think I can live with this guilty conscience. It will hinder my progress in therapy. I have to come clean. If she kicks me to the curb, then I will have to deal with that, but I can't resort to old patterns and hide things. Not that you have to confess everything you do with people, but with her, it is all about honesty.

I think I will send her an email the night before to give her a heads up that I have something to tell her that she may not take too well. That way she can be somewhat prepared. I am sure when I get to my session, I will freeze up, so I may bring bits and pieces of this thread and let her piece it together.

I might crawl under her desk or walk out of the room, but this is not something that I think I can hide from her. I just can't do that.

So I'm pretty new to the forum but this topic caught my eye since it's almost exactly what I did last night. I was super curious about my therapist (he is actually a student in training) and he is young. I was guessing he was about 2 years older than me but after doing some online online stalking, I think he might be the same age as me. Anyway, whenever I ask him personal questions he is so vague with his answers. I completely understand why. He is probably scared of patients stalking him. I didn't even know his last name until I realize he made me sign a suicide contract and that he had signed his full name with it. So last night I looked him up on facebook and to my surprise, he was on there. The profile wasn't completely private so I got to see pics of him and his girlfriend, what city he lives in, where he went to school, his interests, etc. I think most of us do it out of pure curiosity. Here is this person that we tell our most private thoughts to and we know nothing about them! I just wanted to know something about him, it gave me a sense of power. I'm thinking about telling him just to see how he reacts. I guess he could have a bad reaction to it. I understand he is a student and this is new to him, but eventually one of his patients will look him up as well. He should probably think about making his Facebook completely private. I still want to know how old he is because if he is the same age as me, I am going to feel so awkward and inferior!

Hey Squiggle.........=)

I don't think she will kick you to the curb or something like that. I'm sure you will get a understanding reaction. I was just sharing my thoughts and experiences on it.
I just find it interesting that it is bothering you so much. I think it's safe to say it might be bothering you more than it will her. Do you feel like you betrayed her somehow? Or broke her trust?
When I first did this, that is exactly how I felt. But now with the second T I do not feel that way at all. I wasn't looking his info up to use it against him in someway or to harm him. For me, the motive was to get closer to him, to connect with him. To find a way to calm myself outside of that precious hour of therapy each week.
Look at your motives behind why you did this. Your previous post about "a guilty conscience" concerns me. You really have done nothing wrong unless she told you "please do not look me up online". You may find you are not the first client that has done this on her.
I understand you wanting to tell her though...........I do think there is something deeper going on. I hope it goes well, I wish you the best. Be sure to let us know either way.

I'm glad you're going to tell your T. She won't be angry; she'll probably just be "curious" like my T was. She'll want to discuss what it means to you and why you feel so guilty about it. I'm sure you'll feel MUCH better after you tell her.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I sent her an email telling her that I have done something that may upset her. I told her that I felt ashamed about it and that it may damage our relationship. I also asked her to hold me accountable to talk about it when we meet this week.

I hope she emails me back before then!

I'm glad you emailed her but maybe you want to take the next step and tell her what you did in the email. If she responds now she won't know what to say since she doesn't know what you did. Though I would guess she'll say something reassuring like "I won't be upset; don't worry."

What day is your session?

This is her response. I don't know how to take it. My gut tells me to leave this alone and not discuss it with her. I think she will be really upset with me.

I'm not sure how to advise you on this because I don't know the situation. It is better to be honest, especially if you are troubled by what has happened. If you let me know we can work through it, but it will mean you taking a risk. You are the only one that can make this decision.

Therapist

Wednesday @ 5:00

Her response sounds like she's trying to be careful because she really doesn't know what it is you're referencing. Her saying that it's best to be honest and that the two of you can work through it sounds encouraging to me.

But why would she not want me to be honest about everything?

Where did she say she doesn't want you to be honest?

I had to confess!! I sent her this email:

Therapist,

Based on your response, my gut tells me not to talk with you about it. The risk might be too great for me to handle right now. It will be hard to have a session with this playing in the back of my mind. Maybe by the time we meet, it will settle down and I will have worked it out with my online friends. Then again, I may blurt it out and walk out the door.

Sometimes I think I need another therapist to help me decide what to tell and not tell you in our sessions. More than likely, at some point, I am going to tell you and just get this over with. I am probably making more of it than it really is. If it makes you mad, I will have to deal with that.

Let's just say that this is similar to something I confessed to you a while back. You took it okay, but wanted to know more about it. Can I just go ahead and say this? You probably have already figured it out anyway. I know where you live. Okay, there it is. I said it. Is that a crime? It was listed under your business name. Why was I even looking at stuff like that? I don't know.

This is what we need to talk about. (1) Why am I freakin out that you are going to get angry with me? (2) Why did it matter where you lived in the first place? (3) Why was it so easy to find? (4) Is it going to change the way I feel about you? No (5) Is it going to change the way you feel about me? I don't know. (6) Am I going to try to drive by your house? Absolutely not. (7) Am I ashamed that I did this? You bet I am. (8) Why was I up at 3:00am so upset with you and therapy? (9) Why is our 2 year anniversary mark causing me so much pain? (10) Why am I confessing this to you anyway? It's not like you would ever have found out. I am doing this because I feel that I did something wrong and I don't want this to hinder me from moving forward in therapy.

I am sure that your initial reaction is going to be upset with me. I don't blame you one bit. I crossed the line. I know that I did. I am sorry that I have done something this terrible. I am suffering a great deal because of it. Please don't leave me hanging until Wednesday. At least say something so that I don't go off into a panic thinking that therapy is over. I would prefer more than "We will discuss this on Wednesday." But if that is all you can give me right now, I will have to accept that.

Right now I feel that I may have ruined any chance of me continuing therapy with you.

Squiggle

Squiggle,

First, I am sorry you are hurting.

For what it's worth, I do NOT think you have "done something terrible" here. I think it's natural to be curious. There is always the possibility your T may be upset with you, but I seriously doubt it.

If your T was so upset she terminated therapy with you, it would say MORE about your T and less about you.

Unless your T has specific boundaries in place and you have had a conversation about this, don't beat yourself up over your curiosity and anger at T. Hopefully, your T will respond tomorrow and put your mind at ease.

I do agree it's important to discuss this with T. She can help you.

Good luck.

I don't even know what I was looking for when I googled her name. To be honest, I don't think I could even get back to the place where it showed her address. I am sure she is going to ask me about that.

By now, she has had time to receive my email. I just wonder what she is thinking. Is she furious with me? I am sure she has some kind of negative emotion. I doubt she is happy about this. I hope she emails me later tonight or in the morning. It will be grueling to go all day at work without hearing from her.

Why do we do things like this? Why do we act so nutty when we are in therapy!

Squiggle, I wonder if you've been taking in that many of us have looked up our T's home address. It's not a crime! I think the fact that you're so upset about it is the issue, not that you did it. Two of my Ts had offices in their home, so of course I knew where they lived. The others were in the phone book. When I google my current T, her home address comes up in many lines. Ts are just people like you and me. I know you know that. I don't know if my T would rather I didn't know where she lives, but in this day and age, it's so simple to find out where anyone lives, that it's not a big deal.

I hope your T responds to you before Wednesday so you won't be in misery until then!!!!

Because it stirs up alot of painful emotions? Because we feel out of control and it's OUR way of regaining some sense of control?

Really, I don't know.

I doubt you are the first client who has ever done something like this with your T. Yes, she may have a negative reaction, but is that necessarily a bad thing? Maybe, you need to know that someone can react negatively to you and it doesn't have to end the relationship.

I hope she responds soon.

I sent her the link where I found out the information. It was under a business listing. It listed her home address as her office. I told her, "Please don't hate me for finding this. I didn't have to tell you. I wanted you to know that this is available to anyone. You may or may not have known."

Part of me thinks that she will be glad that I found it so that she can go back and change that on the website to her new office address. At least, I hope this is part of her response.

As for why I am so upset, I am not sure. I feel so childish that I did this. I was having a really bad night and was actually in the process of sending her an email when I (out of the blue) decided to google her. Not much came up until I listed her business name.

I feel like I have betrayed her in some way. Like I was sneaking behind her back trying to do something that I wasn't supposed to do. We have talked before about the fact that I wonder how she lives. I have asked her about it. She didn't tell me anything other than the area in which she lives.

Why do I want to 'get back at her' so much? Where is this mean streak coming from? Why do I want to hurt the person who is trying to help me!!

You still don't know much other than the area in which she lives. An address does not tell you how she lives in that house, or how it is kept up, or whether the plumbing is failing etc. I don't fully understand how knowing her address is "getting back at her" - it hardly teaches her a firm lesson or anything. I am sorry you are feeling so much guilt over this. Is there some other deeper symbolism over knowing her address?

When I speak of 'getting back at her', I mean finding out things about her. She knows so much about me! It makes me angry sometimes even though I know that is what therapy is all about. I just want to find out something about her that she may not want me to know. Look where that got me!

As for symbolism? Yes, there has to be something there. I am not sure what it is, though.

This is what I meant earlier about regaining some control (when we are feeling out of control)? Is a better way to describe it is that you want to level the playing field more? Or, do you want to punish her?

I like your honesty, Squiggle. I think your T appreciates that about you, too.