Squiggle is a Stalker! I never thought I would do this, but I did.

Maybe he's a gangster!

The first thing that came to my mind, and I'm sure it's only because I saw it discussed recently on our local TV news, is doctor-patient (or spiritual advisor - client) privilege, were you to confess to an actual crime. My T gently reminds me from time to time that I am not going to ACTUALLY do anything drastic to the darkside, right?

I think your words are more accurate. I want to 'level the playing field'. Why? Why does it matter at all who she is, where she lives, etc....?

No, I don't want to punish her, but I have to admit, there is a part of me that wants to be mean to her. I don't get that at all. I don't know why I would want to do that. I would never do it, but there is that part of me that wants to sometimes.

She reminds me when things get tough in therapy that she is "there to help me not hurt me." I often feel like I am being hurt, though. Not by her, but by the things that come up in her office. She just happens to be the person in the room with me, so my anger is directed toward her at times.

I can often relate to this. My anger towards things that are happening is often misdirected to my T because he is simply the only person sharing the moment with me.

In all honesty I wouldn't worry too much about telling her. All you did was a simple google search. It's not like you followed her home one night, to find out where she lived. Ultimly you will have to decide if YOU will be able to keep this information from her, and be ok with that. Her email response seemed totally appropriate. She is being cautious because she doesn't exactly know what the situation is, and wants you to think about your decision before you make it. Good luck.

(((((((((((((Squiggle))))))))))))))) my thoughts are "squiggle is not a stalker" ... squiggle is someone who is naturally curious about someone who knows an incredible amount about her and has all kinds of emotional stuff coming up that she is trying to deal with the only way she knows how ... you haven't gone to the house, you haven't hidden in the hedges, you haven't gone and hung out on the doorstep waiting for her to get home or camped out in your car outside the drive; you've looked at information that is publically accessible and that your T should already know is there. Yes, there could be boundary stepping going on there but you've shared what's going on and can now work this out

Any T these days would need to google themselves and see what is publically available knowing that these kinds of things come up I think it's also a problem with how much information is so easily available these days eg. once you could have looked up a phonebook and she may have been unlisted for her private address there; these days google seems to have everything easily available and putting it out there for everyone to see, and then to be able to see the street view on google maps as well It does make it hard and very tempting I think.

I hope your T replies soon and you aren't left waiting for long worrying about all of this; and that the two of you can talk and work out all the feelings and thoughts that are coming up with this and that it helps you i'm really glad you let her know what was going on so you can work through it; and hopefully address those "mean" feelings as well to see what's going on there

Another way of looking at is that you have good boundaries.

I got an email this morning:

Squiggle,

"No, I'm not upset. Yes, I knew about the website. I do have a couple of questions regarding this. First, I wonder why you were motivated to look it up? Second, do you think you did this to sabotage your therapy? This is your pattern. You do well then you purposely put yourself in a position where you feel guilt or pain then you confess the situation to accept your punishment or fate. Your two year mark IS coming up and you are setting yourself up to be rejected. This is what we will be discussing Wednesday. Not to berate you, but to try to stop this cycle you put yourself in."

Therapist

It sounds like T is focused on what's important here...not what you did (which I've totally done, and told T too), but WHY.

And as hard as it is and as much as it hurts to reach inside and get to the bottom of this kind of stuff, it's what helps us heal, and what sets us free.

Breathe deep. You'll get through this.

I'm glad you heard from your T this morning Squiggs. How are you feeling about what she said to you in her response?

First of all, I realize now that I was in a panic last night and totally blew this way out of proportion. Fear is what was driving this. Fear of what? Fear of having someone know so much about me? Fear of her abandoning me? Fear that she will reject me at some point? Fear that I need her so much? Fear........fear.............fear!!!

Her response was about what I expected. I do feel much better that she responded before I go to work.

The adults in my life were difficult to know, could not be pinned down. Feels good to have a solid piece of information about someone important to us, something that isn't going to change on a whim we don't understand. It's a solid fact.

Squiggle - I was really happy when I woke up this morning to see that your T had emailed back and that she showed a lot of empathy and wasn't angry at all! Sounds like you have a great one who is completely focused on helping you and getting to the root of your anxiety. She sounds like a keeper!

And I do get the frustration part of this being a one-sided relationship... My last 2 Ts have self-disclosed here and there (my current one not too much to make me uncomfortable), but it does feel good that she trusts me with little bits of information. We talked about this - she said that she'll share things that she's worked through (for ex, a little bit about her relationship w/ her mother) and that she trusts me. I have googled her and knows where she lives, but she already had mentioned the town and like your T she home address comes up under her professional listing. I haven't had a thought of driving by or anything. But it's just natural to be curious about them - I mean we share our deepest parts and secrets with someone who in many ways is a stranger. But I do believe like someone wrote on another thread that we do see a part of the whole person that T is, but it's just a part - doesn't make it not real.

I think I've Google Earth'd every single person in my address book, often at 3 in the morning. Am I a stalker because I want to see satellite images of my great-aunt Rosa's house? I don't think so. Yeah, maybe I felt a little guilty about searching for an ex's house, but not too guilty. I don't mean anything by it- the technology is just so fascinating.

I too am really glad you got a response from your t. I can't imagine what it would be like trying to go to work after sending that kind of email and not hearing back. I'm also glad she was so totally understanding.

Be good and patient with yourself. You're doing everything right.

I'm relieved for you that you have been able to see what was going on with all this.

I totally get the fear thing - it's a HUGE stumbling block for me. It stops me in everything I do.

((((squiggle)))) i'm glad you heard back and that she is going to help you with all of this

This is the email I sent back to my therapist. I did play down the whole address thing. I mean, I don't want to go overboard with confession when it is not that necessary. I did want to find her business information, so that part was really true. I found it and a lot more! I may end up telling her in person the whole thing about the address. I just don't want to cause more pain on myself than I need to inflict.

Dear Therapist,

Thank you for responding promptly so that I could go to work and not worry myself to death about this. I don't know that I purposely set myself up. I just had a really bad episode of panic and anxiety and that is what I turned to to calm me down. Not knowing you as a 'real person' is hard for me. This relationship is so onesided. I get that. But it is not easy being on the other side of your desk. Pouring my inner soul out to someone that I really don't even know. Trusting someone to care about me and really want what is best for me is not easy to accept.

The reason I googled you was because I wanted to make sure you were real. I just took for granted that your certificates on the wall made you a licensed therapist with a real private practice. Did I know that for sure? No, I didn't. I believed you, but the other night I was panicking about it. Kinda like I might be running toward a cliff and was going to fall off at any moment when you cut and run off. (I know that sounds weird, but that is really what I was thinking).

This was partially triggered by an email I sent you before that one. I mentioned about the chair thing and you sitting higher than I was. The Authority Figure thing. I don't know why that started all of this, but it did. I had to be sure that I was really working with the 'real thing' and not someone that was just doing this on the side without really having to be accountable to anyone. My trust in you was wavering and I reacted in fear. Fear can make you do some stupid things. Then again, was it that wrong to want to validate that you are a legitimate business? I didn't know it would show your home address.

The 2 year mark is a big trigger as well. I have invested a lot of time and money believing in this therapy process. I needed to be sure that this is real. That you are a real person with a real business. It's not that I doubted you, I just needed to see it in black and white.

I am not so freaked out about what I did anymore. Why? because alot of clients do that. It is pretty common for clients to want to know more about their therapists. I knew I would tell you even before I even googled your name. I don't know for sure what I was looking for. What I did find was evidence for me that this is a real practice. I am not allowing someone to 'work with my mind' and get me so messed up that I end up being institutionalized.

As for doing things to sabotage my therapy, I don't think I am doing that. At least, not consciously. I do go through stages where I panic about this process. I have to make sure that things are real. I have to have validation and assurance that this is going to be okay and I am safe to continue on. In case you have never been told, this is a very scary thing to go through. It is the weirdest thing I have ever done.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to sit in front of you and talk about stuff? Do you know how it feels to regress to a childlike manner in front of another grown woman? Do you know how I feel when I send you emails that make me look like a warped person that really needs to be removed from society? Do you know what it feels like to need someone (stranger) in your life just to help you make it from week to week?

I am putting a lot of trust in you and in this process. You can really do A LOT of damage to me. Had you responded in a negative way to this whole ordeal, there is a good chance that I would have resorted to some unhealthy ways to get over it. I have enough scars, I don't need anymore. Can you understand why I need to make sure that you are what you are representing and that you really know what you are doing? I hope this is not offending you. You know that I wouldn't be seeing you if I really doubted you, but there are those moments when I panic and fear takes over.

Back to the issue at hand. Now that I have calmed down, I don't think its any big deal that I know your address. I don't know why I panicked so bad when I saw it on that website. I felt like I had invaded your privacy or crossed a boundary. Yes, I was thinking you would reprimand me in some way and that was triggering a lot of emotions for me. I think had I not googled your address, I wouldn't be feeling so guilty right now. I am not sure why I wanted to see where you lived, but I really don't want to talk about that with you.

Like I said before, I wasn't expecting your address to show up anywhere. I was looking for something to validate that you were real with a legitimate private practice. I needed to be sure. Why? I don't know that answer. It's kinda strange to meet in a church and feel like it's a 'real' business. If I met with you at an office like I meet with my other doctors, that would feel different. Do you get what I am trying to say?

I hope that I haven't messed things up too bad. I am not sure if this email explained things very well or not. It may have made things worse. Coming on Wednesday is not something that I am looking forward to. I feel like I have betrayed and demeaned you. I hope you don't feel that way because that was not my intention at all.

The bottom line is that I need to know that you are a real person, with real kids, a real husband, a real home, etc.....You are not just a figment of my imagination!

((((Squiggle)))))

I just got done reading this entire thread and just wanted to give you a good, safe hug. I (as well as pretty much everyone going through therapy) know EXACTLY what it feels like to have to go through that one-sided, uneven balance of the therapy relationship. It's so unnatural, and so difficult to make peace with.

I've talked to my T about it a couple of times, but never felt any better about it afterward.

My transference finally got the better of me, and I went and googled him. I found where he and his boyfriend live, and a couple of other juicy tidbits; but really and truly, nothing very personal at all. I did feel a bit icky after doing it, but I didn't feel guilty at all (what does that say about me....SHOULDN'T I feel guilty about it!?). But in the end, I had to force myself to give me permission to be human. It's just a natural curiosity to want to know more about him when he knows so much about me and all I know about him is his freakin' name; and really, I didn't find out hardly anything. I have not googled him again. Not only would it be an exhausting exercise in futility (because I already went back SEVERAL pages on Google the first time, LOL) and also, because I have to not get too nuts with it because it's very, very easy to land myself in Stalkerville (and possibly The Can after he finds out and calls the police on me, hah).

But really, it's normal to look up someone's address, including our T's. What's NOT normal is knowing where they go in their free time and when and just happening to be there too, climbing a tree to look into their bedroom window with a pair of binoculars George McFly style, and calling their home in the middle of the night and hang up when they answer. THOSE things are crossing a boundary.

You have NOTHING to feel badly about. You did nothing to harm either yourself or your T with the info you found. It was sought out to calm a very natural, very rational curiosity. She obviously means a great deal to you, and you ARE investing a LOT in your relationship with her! Be good to yourself; LOTS of hugs for you!!!

I am glad that you responded. I came back in here to delete this post. I felt that maybe you guys would think I was lying to my therapist. I wasn't lying, I just wasn't telling her every detail of what happened that night. I wish I could read between the lines of the email she sent back to me. I always tend to read some negative message in them. I can't tell if she is bothered by this or not.

Can you imagine how embarrassed I am going to feel when I have my session on Wednesday? I hate it when I feel so inferior to her. I feel like a little kid going to the Principal's Office. I don't want her to have this much power over me, but she does. I give her that power. It's my fault that this happens.

Your session on Wednesday maybe a bit uncomfortable.. But I assure you, you didn't do anything wrong. I googled the heck out of T and info about it before my first session. I am the kind of person that HAS TO KNOW WHAT I AM GETTING INTO.. before I start something. And T is no different...Hang in there, I hope your appointment goes well!

It's NOT your fault this happens. I don't know about anyone else, but "lying" never crossed my mind when I read your posts. But I can completely understand how awful you're going to feel having to face her on Wednesday. Yes, you're going to want to crawl into a hole, but you won't - YOU'LL GET THROUGH IT JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. Some how, some way, you'll get through it. Ask for pocket riders, we'll go with you!

Even if she IS bothered or irked by ANY part of your email, then that is HER issue, right? Trust her that she will bring up whatever needs clarification with you if she feels she needs to; you are not a camelion who needs to adapt to her surroundings for her appeasement, or ANYONE'S appeasement. Trust her that she will not hold it over your head and make you feel worse. Trust that she will, in all likelihood, want to talk YOU through it to see how this affects YOU. My T has taught me that even if there is conflict, (and I don't personally see any here with your T) that life goes on. You have conflict, it gets resolved, we move on. No reason to continually beat yourself up over it, I mean, unless it's obviously a huge conflict that really has negative impacts on someone or all involved (like lurking in the bushes with high-tech gear ).

Hang in there Squiggle.

Squiggle, I read your email to your T and didn't think you were lying. I thought it was an excellent email. Please don't worry so much about Wednesday. I'm sure it will be fine. I understand about not wanting to feel inferior to your T. I'm that way too and I'm sure many others feel that way also.

I remember being scared when I had to face my T after emailing her that I drove by her house. She was honest and told me she didn't like it, but she wasn't angry, just curious about it. I was glad I told her and apologized but I don't feel guilty about it now. I accept the part of me that does those things. I hope you can accept that part of you too. I'm sure your T will help.

You mean your T has to report you if you confess to a crime?! Unspeakable.

Hi Squiggle.

I have a slightly different take on this. To my mind, this is not about sabotage. The important part is to confess and be forgiven.

I myself have had some issues with forgiveness. I found it hard to forgive and I didn't expect to be forgiven.

Just a thought.

I've googled my t and found out things about his wife and children. Some things he never told me about but I'm not going to tell him. I even checked facebook and found his son on there. I felt like I was stalking him so I quit looking on facebook for his other children.

See I think it's just normal to want to know as much information on t as we can find. Like you said they know so much about us because we give them the power. I can't even make a decision without asking t about it. That's way too sad.

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have worried myself to death about. Part of me knows its not that big of a deal, but the other part won't shut up! She is the blabber mouth that wants to tell everything wrong that she ever did in her entire life! She is constantly nagging me about what how messed up I am. One of these days I am going to knock her out!

GO AWAY!!!!!!!!