Squiggle is a Stalker! I never thought I would do this, but I did.

For some reason, I was having a freak out moment tonight. I was lying in bed thinking about my 2 year anniversary with my therapist coming up next month. That sent me into a squawling fit. Why? I don't know, but it did. I never thought I would still need her like this. It hurts me to need her. Why is that? This makes me hate her. But I don't hate her. I am confused!

Needing her made me mad. I was thinking, "Who is she anyway? What right does she have to know so much personal information about me? What do I know about her? Where does she live?"

Against my better judgement, I crawled out of bed and decided to see if I could search it out. To my surprise, it was fairly easy to find out. I knew about where she lived, just didn't know the neighborhood, so its not like she would be too freaked out if I knew more about her exact residence. Would she?

Now I feel like a freakin' stalker! I am not planning to go by her house or anything. Dear Lord, I would be so embarrassed if she saw me drive by! So, I will not be doing that for sure!

Why am I so intriged by this? Why did it matter where she lived? I know a LOT about her. She openly tells me things. Why was so I compelled to find out her exact location? Part of me keeps having this mean streak when it comes to therapy. Kinda like "I am going to get you back for all you (my therapist) did to me! You are not going to be in a higher standing than me, so back off!"

My therapist hasn't done anything but try to help me. I am not thinking of really doing anything. I just have these crazy thoughts about finding out personal information about her that she does not openly tell me. Sometimes I want to tell her off! Where does this revenge come from? Why do I want to be so mean? I would never do that to anyone. I really don't even those kinds of thoughts about any else. Just her.

What have I done? Now I have to live with this guilty conscience. Now I have to worry about seeing her this week and keeping this a secret. I have just created more drama needlessly!

Squiggle

I wish I would have stopped, but I continued to search. Now I have seen a pic of her home. An ariel view. It amazes me how easy this was. Do I feel better now that I know this information? Actually, I do. I don't know why, but it does give me a sense of peace.

It takes more than a Google search to make a stalker. You have to wait in the bushes with binoculars.

Too funny Can'tExplain!!!

Oh no you did'nt Squiggs!!

It's ok! Sounds pretty darn near normal to me Squiggs. So- what's her house liiiiiiike????

Funny the things we'll do at 3:00 in the morning - huh Squiggs?? I don't think I'd worry too much about it though. There are lots of people here on PC that have done the same, told their T's and had nothing come of it. I really do think it's a pretty natural thing to want to know more about the people in your life.

Now........... I'm going to bed- it's 3am for crying outloud! What are you doing up so late??? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm?????

I am up because I can't sleep! This is pretty normal for me. I have the ups and downs of being bipolar. Sleep too much, or I don't sleep at all.

As for being a stalker, it is kind of an invasion of their privacy when we do that isn't it? I guess I just wanted to see what her economic status way. Is she way above me? About equal? I found out that she is above me, but its not that extreme. I know her husband has a high paying job (at least I think that line of work would pay well).

I once told her what we bring home monthly in our income. She made a comment that that was a fairly good amount of money. It made me wonder about her. I always thought she was making SO much more than we are. I mean, my husband lost his job three years ago and is now on disability. I do work full time as a teacher, so you can guess that's not a lot of money, but it is a decent salary.

I feel better knowing that she is not so high and mighty. She has never asked like she was. It was probably my own insecurity about it. I tell her all this nutty stuff in our sessions and wonder if she thinks I live in the slums or something! Not sure why I put that together. I mean, there are plenty of people who live the life of luxury that are pretty messed up!

She did mention once time that one reason she went back to work was to pay for her children to be in private school. I bet they could do that without her working, but what do I know?

This is all really a bunch of nonsense. I live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood. I guess you would call it about in the middle range. Not too low, not too high for this area. I am blessed to have what I have. I know that. I don't need to be comparing what I have to what she has. It shouldn't even matter.

I won't EVER tell her. NO WAY!! I did tell her when I found some pics of her online. I wasn't stalking her that time. It was innocent. That is why I told her. I didn't have a guilty conscience about that. I DO have a guilty conscience about this because I did it on purpose!

Now that might get me arrested!

I think we're trying to take away the feeling of disconnect inside of us. The fact that you can love her and hate her at the same time perhaps triggered of some of that inner loneliness and you were then desperate to put something back -e you goggled her address, but its inside where the feelings are happening.

Im curious about my T s house. I built her an imaginary one in my mind. Afraid the real one might not be as nice. Squiggle i wouldnt feel bad. Just no hiding in bushes. I always wondered, where do the stalkers find the time? I just couldnt be a dedicated stalker. I still havent taken down my Christmas tree.

You are curious and feeling guilty about being curious?

I have also managed to find the google photo of my t's house and only feel a tiny bit guilty about it. I would never, ever tell
her that I did it though. My reason, she discloses nothing about herself and I think I just wanted to even things out a little.

Squiggle, you are SO not alone here.....I have done the same thing, actually more.....What drove me to do that? Good question. As I was growing closer to T, I felt those urges to know him more, as a whole person and not just my T.....and I usually feel quite sad about what I've learned...because T is SO accomplished, has a beautiful wife, beautiful big house, owns a successful wellness center, has beautiful children....Makes me feel inferior...

So not alone, Squiggle! I've also googled my T, found her home, found a pic of her home, and mapped out how to get to her house! I found out she lives just a few blocks away from one of my friends. Now of course I am super paranoid when I visit my friend.

It is very easy where I live to find info, pictures of real estate, tax records, price paid for house, etc. about anyone who owns real estate. I guess I'm a stalker, too, because I found out all of this information right away. I can't figure out what her husband does, though. It must be something big because that's one huge house they live in!

Welcome to the stalker world, Squiggle!

Bluemountains

I have the opposite reaction....I'd prefer to think my t lives in the office and doesn't exist beyond those four walls. I have no desire to know where he lives and just cringe at the thought of randomly running into him in town.

edited to add: having said that, I have googled extensively his professional life (publications, websites, blogs, etc) with the purpose of trying to figure out if he has enough qualifications to help someone like me.

Part of me thinks I did it to get back at her! I am sure she doesn't disclose this information to her clients. Just as I don't want to tell her some things about me. Because she is my therapist and it is her job to help me open up and talk with her, I end up telling her things that I didn't want to talk about. Sometimes there is a part of me that gets angry about that. I am not sure why, but I do. I know its not 'her' that I am angry with. But who am I 'really' angry with? I don't know.

Now I feel like I have 'one up on her', so to speak. I can say, "Ha! I know where you live!" and just see her squirm in her chair like she makes me do! Isn't that mean? Where in the world are these emotions coming from!

Like earthmamma said, I am in a love/hate relationship with my therapist. I am not 'in love', but you guys know what I mean.

I guess you like that 'blank screen' therapist. Sometimes I envy clients like you. I wish I didn't need to know more about her in order to feel safe with her. But I do. She knows that. She offers a lot of personal info to me.

Dont get me wrong squiggle...I drive myself nuts in other ways (esp. thinking about other clients and whether he likes them better, or I look at people walking down the street near the office and wonder if that is one of his patients....)

I like to have a personal rapport in our sessions and he shares some personal info but I like to comparmentalize our little therapeutic world into the office.

When I read you feel like you have to one up her, I think of a power struggle and control. Do you see this as something that comes up in other areas of your life?

(((Squiggle))) I have done what you did. And I didn't tell T about it either. It was early on in the relationship and I was actually researching to make sure he had a clean record. I even found a photo of him wearing the exact same cartoon t-shirt my S/O wears!!! OMG . I saved it and then deleted it a week later because that was just WAY too much for me to process and they do remind me of eachother in many ways.

Point is, it is natural to use what tools we have to try to connect with someone we need when we need them.

I don't know that its a power struggle as much as it is my insecurity of not being 'good enough'. I often feel that others have such a better life than I do. I feel inferior many times. It is odd, though, because most people do not see me like that at all. They see me as a very strong, confident woman that presents herself as an "authority".

It makes me laugh to hear what others think of me. It is so different from what I feel about myself. My therapist and I have talked about this many times. She wants me to be able to accept compliments from others, but I don't do that very well. I will find every flaw and excuse to prove them wrong.

She does tell me that I am controlling. By that she means, I control who gets close to me and who I allow myself to be safe with. I think we all do that, don't we? So, I am not sure why she says that. I do have an issue with where she sits when we are in a session. In the beginning, she sat in a chair that was higher than where I sat. I was always looking up at her. This made me feel so uncomfortable.

I finally told her and we changed things up. She said that given my history, she understood why that would bother me. I lived with a very controlling spouse and religion for 13 years. I did as I was told, so to speak. I don't want to ever be put in that kind of situation again. Maybe that is why I need to feel that I am 'equal' with those that I associate with?

"Maybe that is why I need to feel that I am equal with those that I associate with" - I could be wrong but there will always be those moments when we do not, perhaps learning to accept difference with others is more obtainable?

The chair difference would have not worked for me either-it would have been a complete power thing from my viewpoint. I have read some therapist literature from different schools that instructed ts to do it specifically for the authority thing. There were also schools of therapy that specifically said not to. I saw one once this year who had the chair thing going. I did not go back to her.

Like bluemountains, I was able to access a ton of info on my T. I actually found out a particular piece of financial info that T would probably be embarrassed about if she knew I knew about it. However, my knowing the info kinda gives me a "one up" feeling because H and I haven't had happen to us what happened to T and her H.

I feel like in one area of my life, I am better than T, in a manner of speaking.

Squiggle, you are not a stalker! So many of us look up our Ts and I don't think that makes us stalkers. I understand the need to find out, to be equal to your T, to know what kind of house she lives in. You may remember I did all that. I have looked up all my Ts. Maybe I AM a stalker because I did drive by my Ts house. Then I told her because I felt so guilty.

I can't stand not knowing a lot more about my T than I do. I probably know more than some clients know about their Ts. I know what her H does, but that's because I googled him. I know how old her kids are because she told me. Then other things I looked up on Facebook which I don't do anymore.

I think the reasons for us doing these things are:

curiosity
wanting to be equal to our Ts or better in some ways
being uncomfortable with their knowing so much about us
wanting to be closer to them