[learning1]

I was having a really hard time two sessions ago. Really, really thought t was saying my issues weren't important . I was really prepared to have to end therapy (after all this time trying!) and pretty depressed about it.

But I also know t says he wants me to tell him when I'm upset about stuff and he's nice to me when I do. And that's what happened at yesterday's session. He really loaded on the compliments. Generally, I eat up compliments. I'm too embarrassed to say much, 'cept maybe thank you, but it feels good. So now life is all happy again . Like MKAC said, I'm like the character who said " I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and by golly, people like me!" Except, Why does therapy have to have SUCH A HUGE IMPACT ON MY MOODS??? It is really weird having this big a shift in how I interpret stuff in one day. And something tells me it'll just happen again.

Besides that, I'm embarrassed about the compliments, and nervous that they mean therapy is going to get harder. I'm afraid when he's nice, I let my guard down and let him know too much. Sigh. I know I'm supposed to trust him, but two days ago I hated him.

Has anyone else had this much of a confusing swing in feelings about your therapist? Was it hard to trust your t after it?

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by learning1

I was having a really hard time two sessions ago. Really, really thought t was saying my issues weren't important . I was really prepared to have to end therapy (after all this time trying!) and pretty depressed about it.

But I also know t says he wants me to tell him when I'm upset about stuff and he's nice to me when I do. And that's what happened at yesterday's session. He really loaded on the compliments. Generally, I eat up compliments. I'm too embarrassed to say much, 'cept maybe thank you, but it feels good. So now life is all happy again . Like MKAC said, I'm like the character who said " I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and by golly, people like me!" Except, Why does therapy have to have SUCH A HUGE IMPACT ON MY MOODS??? It is really weird having this big a shift in how I interpret stuff in one day. And something tells me it'll just happen again.

Besides that, I'm embarrassed about the compliments, and nervous that they mean therapy is going to get harder. I'm afraid when he's nice, I let my guard down and let him know too much. Sigh. I know I'm supposed to trust him, but two days ago I hated him.

Has anyone else had this much of a confusing swing in feelings about your therapist? Was it hard to trust your t after it?

Right there with you. Therapy can send me soaring or crashing. Two sessions I shared some really deep stuff I've never shared before and T thanked me and told me it took a lot of courage to do that. I felt great even though it was really hard to do. Next session I completely crashed when she pushed fairly hard about the stuff from the session before. I felt a like I never wanted to share again. I never know what to expect after a session. I've had to start scheduling so I don't have to go back to work afterward because I can't go back acting like a zombie.

And thanks for the Stuart Smalley quote. I accidentally brought that up with T one day. T wanted to talk about working on self-esteem and I started laughing in my head and then I blurted out "I'm sorry, but all I can think about is the Stewart Smalley skit from SNL." I was laughing. I hope she wasn't offended. That's just how my mind works sometimes - in TV and movie quotes.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

Right there with you. Therapy can send me soaring or crashing. Two sessions I shared some really deep stuff I've never shared before and T thanked me and told me it took a lot of courage to do that. I felt great even though it was really hard to do. Next session I completely crashed when she pushed fairly hard about the stuff from the session before. I felt a like I never wanted to share again. I never know what to expect after a session. I've had to start scheduling so I don't have to go back to work afterward because I can't go back acting like a zombie.

And thanks for the Stuart Smalley quote. I accidentally brought that up with T one day. T wanted to talk about working on self-esteem and I started laughing in my head and then I blurted out "I'm sorry, but all I can think about is the Stewart Smalley skit from SNL." I was laughing. I hope she wasn't offended. That's just how my mind works sometimes - in TV and movie quotes.

Thanks Sconnie- I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like "soaring and crashing"- that's a great way to describe it. That's awful she pushed you after you shared too . I know, it's supposed to be a good thing, right? But it sure feels awful when it happens. I wonder if that yo-yo dynamic lessens or gets any easier after time

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

Right there with you. Therapy can send me soaring or crashing. Two sessions I shared some really deep stuff I've never shared before and T thanked me and told me it took a lot of courage to do that. I felt great even though it was really hard to do. Next session I completely crashed when she pushed fairly hard about the stuff from the session before. I felt a like I never wanted to share again. I never know what to expect after a session. I've had to start scheduling so I don't have to go back to work afterward because I can't go back acting like a zombie.

And thanks for the Stuart Smalley quote. I accidentally brought that up with T one day. T wanted to talk about working on self-esteem and I started laughing in my head and then I blurted out "I'm sorry, but all I can think about is the Stewart Smalley skit from SNL." I was laughing. I hope she wasn't offended. That's just how my mind works sometimes - in TV and movie quotes.

I've learned to take the afternoon off for therapy sessions, too. My mind also works in tv, movie, and song quotes. With my elementary-aged students, I give lots of tv trivia through my quotes, songs, etc. It's fun to be a teacher!
Bluemountains

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by learning1

Thanks Sconnie- I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like "soaring and crashing"- that's a great way to describe it. That's awful she pushed you after you shared too . I know, it's supposed to be a good thing, right? But it sure feels awful when it happens. I wonder if that yo-yo dynamic lessens or gets any easier after time

I sure hope the yo-yos get easier....
I was really upset with T after that session, but now after a few days I am settling back down. I am trying to think about it from her perspective and what she might have been trying to accomplish. I know she did it for a good reason. Now I just need to work up the nerve to say how hard that last session was for me....I know it wasn't all her...I got really resistant about half way through and really fought against what she was saying (I just didn't see it as resistance during the session.)

[learning1]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

I sure hope the yo-yos get easier....
I was really upset with T after that session, but now after a few days I am settling back down. I am trying to think about it from her perspective and what she might have been trying to accomplish. I know she did it for a good reason. Now I just need to work up the nerve to say how hard that last session was for me....I know it wasn't all her...I got really resistant about half way through and really fought against what she was saying (I just didn't see it as resistance during the session.)

Gah, I'm really empathizing with you about dealing with a difficult session. I calmed down off and on between sessions, but when I went back I was still expecting I'd be on the edge of walking out halfway though. (He was over the top nice and that worry went away pretty quick after we started talking.) I think you're doing good to trust she was doing it for a good reason, and to try to tell her how hard it was, and not to assume it was all either you or her.

[anilam]

First of all, glad to hear you're doing better.

About the trust- I've found myself hating/liking/ being angry at T... while trusting him 100%. Strange but true.
And the mood swings? Sometimes I feel great after therapy sometimes I feel awful. Generally I feel better about myself and most importantly therapy gives me hope that someday I'll be ok.

[learning1]

Hmm, trusting and hating at the same time? They seem like a contradiction but idk. When I'm not upset I feel icky for saying I hate(d) him but I did, and don't know if I'll do it again. I think being afraid of giving up that "hope that someday I'll be okay" was the most upsetting thing about thinking maybe I needed to quit. I hope this yo-yo stays on the happy side for a while.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by anilam

First of all, glad to hear you're doing better.

About the trust- I've found myself hating/liking/ being angry at T... while trusting him 100%. Strange but true.

I get the trust and hate at the same time thing. For me I trust t almost 100% most of the time (which is a big step for me). I don't hate her as a person, but I hate the process we are going through. The only thing that gets me through the horrible parts of sessions is the trust thing. If I didn't trust t, I'd have walked out the door last time. Does that make sense?

[learning1]

I guess I don't exactly get it because both you and I were considering walking out the door (if I understood your post right where you wondered if you could do it better on your own). But maybe you weren't considering it too seriously? I wound up trusting my therapist, or the process of therapy, too, for now at least, because i didn't walk out the door, but I seriously considered it.

I guess the reason I felt I hated him was because I felt he couldn't accept me for who I am after I told him some pretty personal stuff (and I have high standards for "acceptance" from a t). And that's the same reason I would have trouble trusting him. I guess I'm thinking of trusting him to care and accept me.

It feels yucky saying I hated him now. But I'm pretty afraid it'll happen again and maybe trying to understand it will make it not as bad.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by learning1

I guess I don't exactly get it because both you and I were considering walking out the door (if I understood your post right where you wondered if you could do it better on your own). But maybe you weren't considering it too seriously? I wound up trusting my therapist, or the process of therapy, too, for now at least, because i didn't walk out the door, but I seriously considered it.

I guess the reason I felt I hated him was because I felt he couldn't accept me for who I am after I told him some pretty personal stuff (and I have high standards for "acceptance" from a t). And that's the same reason I would have trouble trusting him. I guess I'm thinking of trusting him to care and accept me.

It feels yucky saying I hated him now. But I'm pretty afraid it'll happen again and maybe trying to understand it will make it not as bad.

I'm sorry you're not feeling accepted by your t. That's difficult. After I had the really deep session, t actually asked me if I felt she was judging me differently now that she knew that stuff. I said no and that was honest. Can you talk to your t about not feeling accepted? It might help him understand what you feel you need for acceptance?

I really was ready to walk out the door and not return. But in hindsight i realize a lot of that was resistance to what she was telling me. I am not sure I completely understand it myself. I was so upset with the process, yet at the same time I trusted my T. It was that trust in T that somehow kept me in that room. I am really beginning to learn the importance of having a strong connection to T that can withstand all my hatred of the process. (That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me.) Just this thread has really helped me process that session and made me think about the relationship I have with T.

Some of my trust may come dealing with this for 20 years on my own. This is the first time someone (my pastor) actually recognized my condition for what it was and that I desperately needed help. He personally referred me to her and I trust his judgment. I am not sure I would feel the same way if I'd found her on my own.

If I have another hard session, I bet those feelings of wanting to flee will come back...but somehow I think that it also part of the healing process for me: learning to confront those emotions, name them, and process them.

Sorry...that got a little long, didn't it?

[sconnie892]

I should probably also explain that when I crash from a session or something else, I crash very fast and really really hard for about 12-24 hours. I completely isolate and my thoughts are not very clear or logical. Then I slowly start to climb back into life and start thinking about what happened. So right now I am getting back to a level where I am thinking clearly about that session and really processing what happened.

This thread has actually been incredibly helpful to me in processing. Thank you for posting it.

[learning1]

Your comments, on this thread and others, are really helpful to me too, so thank you too. I would think being referred to a t by a pastor you trust would be incredibly helpful in supporting you to believe in the process of therapy and in your therapist. I think it's good you get through the painful, "crash" part relatively quickly, though sorry you had to go through it and hope it doesn't happen much for you.

I should explain I'm not feeling lack of acceptance from my t right now, I was talking about what I felt before. I was hurt because right after I told him about some really personal stuff, he suggested I come back in a month or not at all. He explained at the next session that he was reacting to my statements (before the personal stuff) that I was doing better, and that I couldn't deal with some of the personal stuff now. He was trying to respect what he thought I was saying (though I still think the respect was rather cold and detatched). He was extremely accepting and supportive at that next session. I guess I don't completely trust that he didn't do the cold, warm change somewhat knowingly, but I'm trying to trust that even if he did have a sense of how it might upset me, he's doing it with good intentions.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by learning1

Hmm, trusting and hating at the same time?

Much as I hated my mum, she was fairly predictable and she did look out for my physical and financial wellbeing, so in that sense I trusted her. I didn't feel any real need to deceive her, either. (My T says I went out of my way to shove my sexuality in her face.)

[learning1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Much as I hated my mum, she was fairly predictable and she did look out for my physical and financial wellbeing, so in that sense I trusted her. I didn't feel any real need to deceive her, either. (My T says I went out of my way to shove my sexuality in her face.)

Oh, I see, I understand that. I also trusted my parents for physical and financial wellbeing. I 'spect I have an assumed level of trust for my t (and for people in general) that isn't there for some people whose parents didn't take care of the physical safety and material needs. So when I say I wasn't trusting him it might not be the same level of distrust that some people think of. I just meant I didn't trust him to accept me because he was pushing me to tell my sister irl some of the things I wrote in the letter and he wasn't understanding (or even asking) why I said (several times) that I couldn't even come close to doing that.

[Wren_]

I always see it as a rollercoaster because it happens so fast and I never know when the next plummet or hill will occur and then other times I coast along for a little while. This happens with everything including with T, so I really relate to the swings you are experiencing. You said with T you felt good after the compliments; is that true of other things though or just with T and compliments? If someone else compliments you; or says nice things does that impact how you feel about yourself? or do you see this more intensely taking place within therapy. I'm glad you made the choice to stick with therapy

[learning1]

yes, if someone else compliments me it also makes me feel good. and yes, it's more intense in therapy.

[Wren_]

Sometimes it would be nice to turn down the level of intensity in therapy