[rainbow8]

I was doing fine for a long time. I thought I had this T-relationship under control, working with the baby, child and teen parts who have these transference feelings for my T. Working on the shame/physical issues is going well too. Then, suddenly I'm triggered by that ET article and I'm getting into my "wanting T too much" mode.

We've talked about it a lot in my sessions. My T says we have a "real relationship" though we're not friends or anything else other than T and client. She's a real person to me, and I like that person. She doesn't act like she's better than me; she's just herself. But now I don't trust that. I'm afraid my feelings for her are all transference feelings and that I'm betraying myself, if that makes any sense. Will it all come crashing down?

I'm trying to pay more attention to my RL relationships but my relationship with my T is still the one I think about most. How can that not be when I've shared everything with her? I'm afraid I will be hurt. I know my place in her life but in that 90 minutes per week we're a team and we work so well together. I'm afraid because it's so good, even the feelings about her as my T. I'm so afraid it will end before I'm ready, or something will change.

I know I'm her client and she's my T but I'm not sure all my "parts" realize that. They still want more of her than they can have. Even the adult parts want that and I can't stop those feelings.

Maybe I should do EMDR to "get rid" of those intense feelings about her but then how can I work through them? I wish it were Tuesday already because I can't figure this out by myself.

[PreacherHeckler]

Rainbow, maybe it would help if you could see it this way. You do have a real relationship with her as an adult, and you also have a relationship with her that's based on experiences and feelings from your childhood. Those feelings, from the past, are the ones that get stirred up and they tend to intensify and take over, and when that happens you seem to lose sight of the fact that you still have a real relationship with her as an adult.
I think if you can work through this, you will be able to accept the adult relationship you have with her as the one that's real and lasting. But part of working it through requires accepting the fact that the relationship you want with her -- the one that's based on childhood needs and feelings, where you would be getting your needs met by someone whose focus is on you and not on herself -- would not be healthy for either of you.
You will gradually and naturally give up your need to have your T be "the one" if you can accept the real relationship you already have with her, accept the past for what it was, and work toward cultivating relationships with people who are caring and compassionate. It's real important to surround yourself with people who will allow you to be yourself, people who will accept you as you are and don't need you to pretend to be someone you're not just because of their own issues. It will take some work, but when you find some people like that in real life, it will be easier for you to give up the fantasy of your T being "the one."

[rainbow8]

PH, thank you. I was beginning to feel like no one liked me here anymore. What worries me is that I DO have relationships like that in RL. One in particular, someone who I can be myself with and who knows my therapy issues too! She's wonderful, but she's also very busy so she can't be there for me like my T can. I know no one can. Anyway, she's one person, a close friend and is extremely compassionate. I'm lucky to have her.

I have a couple of other friends who I can be real with too, but not as much. I don't think most people have more than a couple of close friends so I feel like I'm doing all right in the friendship department.

I'm confiding more in my H even though he still says "You're in love with T". I'm trying to ignore that when he says it because I can't explain it to him.

So, if I have those relationships, now what?

I don't want to give up the adult relationship with my T and I think she will agree that I don't have to. You're right that it's the child, teen and other parts with the unmet needs who still want her to be there for them in ways she can't be.

I know the other relationship with her that I want isn't healthy. We had to work that out in therapy because I was more aware of it than she was. I gave up the emails from her, and I told her that the walks we took made me feel "too good" with her. Holding her hand and hugs remain good and safe, not triggering for me. I don't ask all the time and she doesn't offer.

But I can't control my feelings when my eyes are open and I'm looking at her! Many of my sessions recently have been doing EMDR with my eyes closed. I feel close to her but it's about me. I can't avoid her forever, though! The last 5 minutes of my session 2 weeks ago triggered something. Not asking her the questions, just looking at her.

It's still hard to keep my parts separate and not have the parts that want her get mixed up with the adult parts who like her as my T.

[PreacherHeckler]

I like you, Rainbow, and I'm sure lots of other people here like you too.
How involved are you with people in real life on a regular basis? Do you have either a paying job or a volunteer position, or some kind of regular, structured routine that interests you and helps you feel good about yourself? In the right environment, those experiences can provide both a distraction from the intensity of your feelings toward your T and the opportunity for new relationships, so you're not always relying on only a couple of people. You may need to make some changes in your life so that you can get your needs met in ways that your H and your T can't do for you.

[unaluna]

What do you want that your husband isn't giving you now, and how can you get it from him? This may be more of a pre-emptive strike type question, just in case in I should ever again find myself in this position (again). I THINK I know what I would do, but the grass is always greener, isn't it?

[rainbow8]

I had a job but I'm not working anymore. I volunteer and I go to various classes including yoga, with friends. I did feel better when I worked a few days/week but now I volunteer somewhere else for only 1 day. I babysit for my grandson too!

I spend too much time on PC; I don't think that's so good for me. I have other friends; I just mentioned the couple with whom I can discuss therapy.

I have things to do every day so I don't sit around and mope. I think about my T less when I'm busy with other activities, but she's still there, all the time, in my mind. Not in a bad way, except that I am terribly afraid that I would become depressed if she died.

I'm not trying to be defensive. If I had a full-time job I'd probably be better off, but at this point in my life I'm not looking for one. Hopefully the volunteering will turn into more days, and I could do more now if I choose to. I'm a bit lazy and like hanging around home and posting on PC!

[Chopin99]

I like you rainbow!

Just haven't gotten to your post yet. I don't have any great advice for you as I still have those "mom" desires for my T. I figure it will be something I work through in the therapy process. I'm starting to see changes in my overall way of thinking, so I think my "mom" desire will also change.

I actually had a dream last night about the future and what I hope it will look like, both in life and in regards to T. I'll be 35 in June and apparently I finish therapy before my 36th birthday because the dream took place 6 years from the end of therapy and I was 41. I called T's practice one day because she came to my mind and I wanted her to know how my life was going. I made an appointment with her, but told the receptionist not to tell her it was me.

When T came out to get me, she was surprised and delighted to see me. I told her all that had happened since I finished therapy. I told her about taking over the local division of my company as executive director 3 years prior and that we served over 1000 MR/DD/MI/SA individuals in two areas in my state. I told her my marriage had improved greatly and we had 2 children, a boy age 5 and a girl age 3. I showed her pics of them. It was weird to see what my future children might look like!

Remarkably, I noticed my demeanor was different. I spoke comfortably and confidently, stood tall, and practically strode when I walked. However, I was quick to give credit for everything to God and thanked T profusely for helping me become the person I wanted to be. She told me she still thought of me and prayed for me when I came to mind. She told me she always loved me and held me in high regard. She said she was proud of me and was so happy that I was happy. She was teary. She asked if we could meet for dinner sometime, that she would love to hear more details of my life and I accepted. We set up a day and time and I left.

It gave me hope that my future will be better. I needed that.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, hankster. My H isn't interested in, you know, anymore. He never was that much and now he's older so it's worse. He'd kill me if he knew I was writing this! I'm trying for just touching which I want too. I want intimacy; he wants to read the news online. Yes, I trust him. He's not into anything like porn. We're trying to do more fun things together, like go places. He's retired so he's home a lot, but he likes to sleep.

[rainbow8]

Chopin, thank you! I didn't mean this thread that I just started. I meant the one "article about erotic transference bothers me". I was lost in that one after a few responses, just like in the thread before that one that I can't even remember now. I think people are getting tired of my threads about my feelings about my T.

What a wonderful dream! I hope it comes true for you!

[unaluna]

Not getting tired - just wondering what that elusive thing (with T) is! As per H - as with anything, you will get out of it what you put into it. How hard do you work on HIS happiness, is actually what I meant before. Geisha Rainbow.

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by hankster

Not getting tired - just wondering what that elusive thing (with T) is! As per H - as with anything, you will get out of it what you put into it. How hard do you work on HIS happiness, is actually what I meant before. Geisha Rainbow.

I don't know, Hanky... the thing about relationships is that you don't necessarily get out of them what you put into them. I always think of relationships as being like a group project where every individual has a particular task or responsibility, and the success of the project depends upon each member of the group putting forth the effort needed so that everyone benefits in the end. When all members contribute their share, or when someone else in the group assists a member who's struggling to complete his or her task, then everyone reaps the good results. But it doesn't always work out that way.
Ideally a marriage should be relatively equal in terms of give and take, but marriages don't always work out that way either. Sometimes that's not either party's fault -- a serious illness or disability can tip the scales to the point where one spouse requires a lot of care but can't contribute much in return. And sometimes one spouse works hard to make changes that will benefit the marriage, but the other spouse refuses to cooperate. There's only so much a person can do to make things better at that point. And then the hard decisions need to be made -- do you love your spouse enough that you're willing to stay in the marriage and resign yourself to the fact that this is as good as it gets? Do your feelings about yourself depend on honoring the commitment to your spouse regardless of the fact that your needs aren't being met? If you stay, can you find some kind of healthy substitute for whatever's missing in your marriage? If you leave, are you prepared for the fallout from friends and family, especially if there's been no actual abuse and you're leaving primarily to find fulfillment elsewhere? What are the chances of finding that fulfillment in another relationship, and are you prepared to start over in terms of finding a place to live. etc?
Lots of questions with no simple answers.

[unaluna]

Well, okay, PH, I get what you're saying. But what is the tone in the home? When I lived with my mother, I tried to stay in my "new" state of mind, even though it didn't jibe with hers. I hugged her, served her with a smile, addressed her endearingly. (Man, now that I see it in writing, if I weren't still in bed, I would have to lie down!) She could not go more than a couple of hours without yelling at me for something. I guess I took over my father's role, actually. So. Hmm. I feel better about living alone, thanks! (No, I don't.) I'm so cornfused!!!

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by hankster

Well, okay, PH, I get what you're saying. But what is the tone in the home? When I lived with my mother, I tried to stay in my "new" state of mind, even though it didn't jibe with hers. I hugged her, served her with a smile, addressed her endearingly. (Man, now that I see it in writing, if I weren't still in bed, I would have to lie down!) She could not go more than a couple of hours without yelling at me for something. I guess I took over my father's role, actually. So. Hmm. I feel better about living alone, thanks! (No, I don't.) I'm so cornfused!!!

Hanky, you weren't married to your mother, were you?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

Hanky, you weren't married to your mother, were you?

It was a Boston marriage...

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by hankster

It was a Boston marriage...

LOL well then that makes it ok, Hanky!

[rainbow8]

PH, I feel somewhat better because of your understanding and support. Thank you.
hankster and Chopin, thanks also, for replying to me. It means a lot!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think about my T less when I'm busy with other activities, but she's still there, all the time, in my mind. Not in a bad way, except that I am terribly afraid that I would become depressed if she died.

I'm not trying to be defensive. If I had a full-time job I'd probably be better off, but at this point in my life I'm not looking for one.

You are in therapy at the moment! That is a job. If you were in school/taking classes, would you fret that you were thinking about them/their subjects instead of doing something else? No, I don't think you would.

The difference between therapy and some other class is that therapy is about the relationship between you and your therapist; that's the material, the lesson, the work you are doing. So, you have to focus on the other and/or your material in your life. In your case, Rainbow, that you focus on your therapist is also your material!

You know your relationship with your T is every evolving and changing; why are you "stopping" at this moment and looking only at it instead of the whole?

[rainbow8]

Perna, your reply makes me feel better too! Yeah, I wish I could go for a PhD in "Relationship between me and my T" I'd do SO much research about it, LOL!!

Why am I looking at one aspect now? I can't stop thinking about the erotic transference article. I think I have OCD because something that triggers me is hard for me to "get rid of". The words affected me because they are true for me and I don't like it! I keep repeating that like a broken record; I'm sorry. I don't want to "want to know" about my T because I want to "be in her life" but it fits me! I HATE that it fits me. My T would say it's just a part focusing on this, not ALL of me. But that part is why I need therapy! My Self isn't soothing that part enough yet. Most of my parts want to curl up next to my T forever even though we have worked on holding the baby and the child, and accepting the teenager. It's not enough so I am feeling like I'm going to feel like I do forever.

[TayQuincy]

I don't think that therapy is supposed to be about the relationship between you and your therapist. In fact I thought you were not supposed to be making it be about you and her. I see the relationship as an important part of therapy, but only to the point of enabling you to work on the real issues that brought you to therapy in the first place. My relationship with my therapist is foundational and helps me to heal and grow, but the real work is not the relationship itself.

[rainbow8]

I don't think that therapy is supposed to be about the relationship between you and your therapist. In fact I thought you were not supposed to be making it be about you and her. I see the relationship as an important part of therapy, but only to the point of enabling you to work on the real issues that brought you to therapy in the first place. My relationship with my therapist is foundational and helps me to heal and grow, but the real work is not the relationship itself.

Tay, I'm trying to figure out how to answer you. You're right and not right at the same time! Therapy is not supposed to be about the relationship between client and T but that relationship causes all the transference to happen. So, in order to get underneath and work with what I need/want/missed in my past, I have to focus on what I feel in the present for my T. The real issues that brought me to therapy are about trying to make someone into "that one person" who can make me feel good, so it's hard to avoid talking about my T! Real issues usually have to do with relationships, don't they? I sure do explore my relationships with other people a lot in my therapy, too.

Yes, when we're doing EMDR about shame and other issues it hasn't been about my relationship with my T.

I'm not purposely "making it be about my T and me". Maybe I did that in the past. This time, it happened because I looked at her. I can't not look at her, can I? I keep my eyes closed a lot, for EMDR, but I have to interact with her sometimes!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

It was a Boston marriage...

Listening to you is certainly building my vocabulary!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Listening to you is certainly building my vocabulary!

I was wondering if anybody was gonna look it up. I should have known I could depend on you! I told T that I was teasing you to forget wikipedia, just use hankipedia; he laughed!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

I was wondering if anybody was gonna look it up. I should have known I could depend on you! I told T that I was teasing you to forget wikipedia, just use hankipedia; he laughed!

What is your motivation in using words I have to look up?

Is it just a habit English teachers get into, or is it a sign of something more interesting?

[rainbow8]

Is there any way you and hankster can take your conversation to a new thread, or to PM? It hurts me when I look for responses and I see private conversations in my thread. I wasn't going to post this, but I don't want to go to the administration yet. Please be more considerate. I know it's not intentional but it's not the purpose of this forum, I don't think. Thanks. Not that I don't like your conversation, but PLEASE not in my thread when I'm seriously hurting.

[unaluna]

Sorry.
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