Trigger for terminating Therapy.....

Okay, I had a flash of insight (or not) on my way to therapy just now....

I will ONLY know that I'm done with this (round of) therapy when I decide for myself. I won't get any help from my therapist, who seems to like my weekly visits and particularly my prompt payment of full charges, out of pocket.

Every time I suggest that I'm done, T brings up another issue that might have crossed the horizon in some session. Not a large issue, perhaps, but something that could require therapeutic musing. I haven't accomplished anything for a long time now...just nattering along. I feel like I've been tapped out on this relationship for a WHILE. And for whatever reasons, T is not going to join me in any constructive "ending" process because T doesn't WANT this to end. But I do. I feel, more than anything, that my T is just phonin' it in!!!

It feels a bit ridiculous...like when you rent a movie and you realize...gee...I've seen this before, or is this is a really crummy re-make, and with Matt Damon no less!

I think I need to say...."I will not be coming here any more because I think I have accomplished a substantial amount of work and I thank you for helping me to do that."

And go.

Wow! I can smell the spring breeze in the air above the bars of the cage just typing this! Light! Music! Hours of free time and a bit of spending money!

I would like to suss out some other approaches, and I think I need to grieve the ending of this T relationship ....

I am going to begin this process in two weeks. T is gone for a while, and I think that alone gives me a way to begin to cut loose.

I wish I was the sort who could just pull a no-show, but I'm not. so I need to extract myself from this with some kind of good vibe.

Wish me luck.....

MCL

Good luck. It'll be interesting to see if anything comes up for you during the next two weeks w/ this on your horizon.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Tapatalk

Ummmm, and you did not discuss this flash of insight while you were at therapy just now, why?

I'm not even in there yet!

So still time then

Your dissing of Matt Damon aside, you go! Maybe we feel like it's nice (necessary?) to have our therapist's blessings to leave. But we didn't need our parents' blessings to grow up either...

Are you there now? What about now? Now? Are you there yet?

Let us know how your T takes the discussion of this flash of insight should you choose to address it.

If you really feel like you're done, you can probably just say it to your t and he'll probably start the ending processus. There will always be issues to work on; we're never done but you can chose to end this round of therapy if you feel you're stuck or if you feel there's not much more to gain from this.

As I explain in another thread, I tried twice to end my therapy and my t twice told be that I was the boss but he felt I could still benefit from therapy. Both time, he asked me at the end of the session if I wanted to stop or to continue, both time I said I wanted to continue. The thought that I was easy money for him crossed my mind but I think he is really caring and honest in his evaluation. And this was confirm last weekend, when he told me we should probably... start to end!

So, if we take for granted that your t is good, he will tell you when he feels you're ready to end, in his opinion. But if you feel you are ready to end (and you're sure you're not running away from something), just say so and I'm sure t will help you to have the better termination for you.

Hope this help a little...

Good luck with it!
Faith

good luck mcl

How did it go? Or how is it going?

Akita

Ooh, leave Matt Damon alone!

Seriously though, good luck with wherever your flash of insight leads you. Let us know if you told T about it and what he thinks

Hey thanks for asking.

It was an unmitigated disaster, actually. I realized that this is not the "right fit" as they say.....the whole thing collapsed of its own considerable weight and expense. IT GOT REALLY UGLY....T and I pretty much shouting. I hope to write more about this later but for now, please know that I LIKE Matt Damon but not some re-makes. Who can't love Goodwill Hunting?

Mastiff

So sorry. Then you're done with him - good, if ugliness happens in session, that is not the place to visit anymore.

Oh, mcl, I was so hoping for something better for you. I am so sorry.

Maybe you were right regarding the fit. I think that was my problem and I'm searching for the glass slipper as we speak. Good luck!

Thank you all for your kindness. I stayed up most of the night, and I have internalized a lot of this pain....blame myself for having brought up objections (which I had previously voiced in other sessions), and think that my objections were the reason that this T relationship foundered. That makes me so, so sad. I feel like ...had I shut my mouth, I would still have a therapist...but my therapist and I were never a good match....and on some level, I think I knew that at the very beginning but I wanted to think...hey! It will work somehow! This T seems really smart!

But things have been really going south since the Holidays. I feel like my therapist has been really numb and checked out. For example...In the last few appointments, in which I was discussing some really painful stuff that was partially work-related, my T was silent, hand over mouth...smiling. It was kind of hard to bear, and went on and on over several sessions....SO I ASKED...Is this amusing to you? Why are you smiling? What's going on?

Most often, there was no answer. Sometimes raised eyebrows. When I insisted on some response..."oh I'm agreeing." More often, not even that.

So, yesterday, I asked more questions, and got a bit of psychobabble about how I don't feel "seen" or "validated", neither of which strike me as particularly salient in this situation. Just kind of boilerplate stuff. I made it clear that I thought my T was "phoning it in."

All hell broke loose. Lots of angry words on both sides. And here is where we left it....Guess what? I can come in and we can talk about this.
Talk about what?

The lack of connection? Why? I don't see any real reason to do so.

I really really hope there is someone out there with my size.....Thanks LC....and the rest of you.

I would like to try to work with someone else, but increasingly, I wonder if there is anyone who will help me. And that's a very scary thought to have.

I am so sorry it went badly. The therapist got mad and yelled at you? That is horrible. You have the right to question them their techniques, bring up their failings without them becoming angry at you.

Oh, yikes...
Sorry to hear this MCL. I am sure there's someone out there who can help you, though. Just not this guy. I think good on you for challenging him.

Sorry for the long post....I'm freaked out and kind of scared actually. I made it through the day at work but honestly don't know what I am going to do tonight. I don't have internet at night so I can't even post here......I have good and supportive friends, one of whom I talked to this morning, but really, my friends don't tend to "get" the whole therapy thing. I'm really shaking and physically not feeling good and honestly worried about self harm. Which has not been my style to date.

I wish I had some tranq to knock myself out. On the other hand, maybe this is a chance to discover that I don't need that anyway and can muddle through. I just cannot get the visual image out of my mind: At one point T was visibly shaken, shakey....really pissed and confrontational. I'm not saying I was rational -- far from it, and I was less than kind. But to see someone who is supposed to, on some level, be a caretaker, so absolutely ENRAGED and INCENSED was pretty damned disturbing.

I really wish I had just shut my mouth and done a slow fade. I have always thought that was irresponsible and I would not want to be treated that way, so I envisiond some kind of "farewell" thingy... but that is cearly not meant to be.

But now, I see no other route than to call and merely leave a voicemail message well after hours saying that I will not be returning (which was, ironically, after all the madness left up in the air as I scrambled to leave).

Has anyone ever done that? I certainly don't want to be charged for some appointment a week from now that T "assumes" is happening despite the extreme ugliness.

Gulp. I am certainly freaked out here. I know clients can have melt-downs and a therapist can "repair the rupture" but what happens when T and client are both melted at once?

mcl6136...

I am so sorry you are going through this. And I don't recommend my method but when I percieve this happened to me, I sent an email ( by accident due an end user accident fueled by colors light an enlightened moment and total honesty.) and then I waited... Anyway, at first I thought that sucked but then I thought maybe I finally did what I knew I should have done all along. Then I began to reexamine our Theraputic relationship from a 3rd person perspective and I saw the mistakes we both made and the signs that it never was a "fit". Maybe you journal tonight and the post in the morning... A little self care - hot bath, soft lighting , music....try to relax there are other T's in the sea... Even though it doesn't feel like that now.

thanks.....hugs.....I'm thinking lavendar on that bath

Well the there is that part of " self soothing " brought on by raw emotions or anger and hatred where I pulled up her picture on the internet.. Gave it the bird and cussed her out. I recommend exercise or obsessive eating ... Just for the night of course

You know, this jUst sounds so much like my prev t/pdoc - all cuddly and smiles when he wants to be, which just translates to, when he wants to get paid. Mine actually said to me - it's easy to make money - why don't you just find somebody to give it to you, like I found you? I hope he was high when he said that. With male T's, you gotta find out if they have a sister - because she was probably smarter than they were in school (just cos girls are verbal earlier) and when you start an argument like this, he sees red. He probably didn't "work through it" in his training analysis because - guess what? he had a male T! It's not you, it's them. Find your Niles, he's out there.

You know what? My T saw red and I recognized that....and for that reason, it is over.

Of course, I'm obsessing about the particulars of the ending here, but surely T must know that I am not returning. The last bit of the exchange went something like this:

Surely you know that I am not willing to tolerate this...I am not willing to pay for this....and then have you tell me that this is my issue because I didn't get validated enough as a child....You do know this, right?

Yes.

Good.

I'm freaked out but this, too, will pass.

** hugs galore ((((((((mcl6136)))))))) sitting near **

You've reached the end with this T--hankster is right, your
Niles awaits. This T doesn't connect with you now, mcl, so
leave him, you've outgrown him--it comes with progress.

Roadie