Too Dependent on T's

After reading A LOT of threads about emailing t's and calling them between sessions, do you feel that you are too dependent on your t ????? If so, do you strive to one day not have to email or call them inbetween sessions ????

I don't always call or email my T (never call actually) but I pretty much always want to. I limit it to necessary communication or HUGE things, though. I do feel too dependent though, but it's purely inside me, I don't act on it. I don't like this because I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing T anymore. And it makes it hard to focus on building outside relationships in RL when all you want is T.

This topic comes up a lot. If I am then it's some thing that will get through. It's never jus about dependency and the therapist though.

I am scared of being too dependent on my T, I think that is why I push her away so often. Outside that room I am still very alone whether T says I can contact or not

Yes and I plan on talking to my T about it tomorrow. It frightens me to think that I wouldn't be able to handle things without her.

I'm very attached to T, but I think she keeps me from being too dependent on her. When I started calling her in distress more frequently, she never minded me calling, though she always began by asking what skills have I already tried to use to distract or calm myself. So basically, to talk to her, I already needed to have tried other alternatives first. It really helped me try to work through distressing/emotional things independently before reaching out. She was more than happy to help, but made it clear that she should only be one of my options, not THE option. Also, when I shut down in session, she first tried to bring me out of it. But after awhile, she just let me sit in it so I could pull myself out of it.

Fortunately I don't think I'm too dependent on this T. I have been with prior ts though. I rarely call or email between sessions but at the same time I do when I really need help. She wouldn't encourage frequent contact but she is okay with me contacting her when I need. She doesn't always reply to emails but she will respond calls. I think the balance with this T is good. In the past I've been overly dependent but then I think that was simply where I was at. I think there needs to be a good 'fit' with a T - someone who will encourage independence yet see what is right for the client at the time. Some people need frequent contact, others don't. That said, I still think frequent contact needs to be monitored carefully.

Just read Rainboots's post and my T sounds very similar in encouraging self help skills when I ring etc, although happy to help. Ultimately it's good although sometimes feels painful..

While I don't have any kind of contact with my T between sessions, I don't see that there's anything bad or shameful about it. Suppose you were in constant physical pain, of a kind that could be alleviated by pain medication. There would be nothing bad about contacting your GP as often as you had to in order to get more pain meds, even while you were working on physiotherapy or whatever else you needed in order to be able to manage without it. We're afraid of being dependent on other people (at least I am) which is perhaps what leads to the perception of it being somehow negative in itself to reach out when necessary.

I'm sure it's perfectly possible to go overboard with the contacting and just trust the T to cope for us rather than help us cope, but I doubt that anybody who is sufficiently interested in their own recovery to seek out these boards would do that.

Am I too dependant now? Yes. We've talked about it. T feels as I get healthier and more stable the need to email all the time will start to calm down and I will become less dependant on him. We talk about it every few weeks to get a feel for how I feel and what he thinks. It used to really upset me but now it doesnt. I'm going to be dependant on him until I'm strong enough to stand on my own, and that's just how it is.

Good question! My 'dependence' evolved. I think it was my ability to let myself depend, plus my therapist's willingness to allow me to depend, and then the period of dependence, that ultimately resolved my need to depend. It was distinctly parent/child-like. I spent about a year and a half in that state, without any pressures to 'get out' of it. From that feeling of absolute security, though, emerged a maturing of 'self' that enabled me to take risks with other 'outside' relationships. I started to develop other relationships. Bit by bit, I needed contact between sessions less and less.

I remember my therapist telling me, during a conversation where I expressed angst about feeling dependent, "I'll know you're getting better when you don't have time for me" followed by a warm smile.

Nowadays, I still see her weekly, but when I do, I'm often telling her about difficult events that took place, and it usually involves me reaching out to relationships I've developed while in therapy, and it has been those outside relationships that provided the immediate support and facilitated the resolution of whatever crisis I was having. My therapist hears about it after-the-fact.

So from my foxhole, it's being able to be dependent that leads to independence. The healing of parental neglect.

My answer is yes.. T's answer would be No.. lol. Yes, it is my goal this week NOT to call T between sessions this week, which should be easy as my appointment is Wednesday morning. Hopefully I can do that!! We don't e-mail or text.. I am just so afraid that I will get too dependent and feel lost once I am done with therapy whenever that maybe.

You've got an amazing therapist.

I agree and this is an issue I struggle with terribly. I became very dependent on someone in the past and contacted them frequently. It ended up going badly wrong. Because of this and of course my childhood, I have deep anxiety around boundaries and becoming dependent. It is hard for me to see that it's okay to need someone...it still feels inherently wrong, something to be avoided. At the same time I think the dependency I experienced with a prior t was probably what I needed at the time.

No, I'm not too dependent on T. We never email, and I only call during a crisis which has been over six months now. If he ever thought I was getting dependent on him, trust me; he would let me know.

i honestly don't know if i am to dependant on my T. i wish i could e-mail but i am not allowed.i am allowed to call but have only called maybe 3 times over the years. i find that almost impossable to do because of my problem with being able to use words at times.so i guess i am ok with not calling either.BUT i think about T a lot durring the week and i dont know if that is good or not. i have always been terrified of becomming to dependant on my T.

I have this fear of being dependent too. I fight against myself when sending emails to T even though she keeps telling me it's ok. I dont think I'm dependent as I could imagine walking away today and being ok with it. This is probably cuz I have yet to really even let my T in. I have been sending more emails recently I.e. one to two a week the last few weeks. It still causes me anguish to send but I know I won't tell T otherwise. Such a struggle.

I used to think about my T 24/7, literally. From the moment I woke up until I closed my eyes at night. I'm not like that with current T but I do think of her a lot. Much more than I would dare admit to her.

I think I'm finally finding that the less I fight my "dependency" on T, the less dependent I feel.

I used to agonize about calling or sending e-mails...would it be okay, would I be bothering him, etc? And then I *would* e-mail but spiral out wondering if he was annoyed with me.

I'm figuring out that it's okay to ask for what I need, that what I need really isn't too much, and that if I can just accept that, all of my dependency fears quiet down.

I e-mailed T twice this weekend - once on Friday because I was really worrying about something from session, and once on Sunday just to connect. He e-mailed me back both times - with a long, detailed answer on Friday, and with a short, connecting e-mail on Sunday.

I think since I'm not fighting with myself, and T is receptive, it feels okay. I know T is safe, and our relationship is safe. I don't feel like I need to contact him today, because I *know* he's there.

It took YEARS, and then a giant rupture, for me to believe that when T said "it's okay to call/e-mail" he really meant it. Believing that has made things so much easier.

Weirdly, I think the more we allow ourselves to be dependent, the more independent we are able to be. I see that with my kids....when I meet their needs, they are comfortable and happy and go about their days. When I'm distracted or unavailable, they cling so much more. Just like me and T

so true, so true!

I'm with you on this, Nightsky.

When my therapist told me she saw attachment issues in me, I thought she was nuts. I was very proud of my self-sufficiency and independence. She stayed 'after' me though.. kept talking about icky things like her goal that I become attached to her. As it started happening, I kicked and screamed all the way, terrified out of my mind. The regression I felt was just awful for my proud, independent self . However, my therapist took all of it as natural.. always made me feel like however I experienced all of it was exactly how I was supposed to experience it. Her ease and warmth led to me relaxing into it.. and once I really accepted my dependence on my therapist.. and experienced her as always being there... always responsive.. always caring.. interspersed with human failure (for example, me texting and her not getting it till the next day, and me feeling absolutely certain that I had been rejected - but really her battery had died and she didn't know it)... any way, that kind of thing provided lots of opportunities for me to experience myself being "held" in the relationship. She never went any where. She was always steady... always the same... always there... not a "perfect" parent.. but absolutely "good enough." I healed within that context. I became whole. On the side where I started, it was terrifying.. but from where I am now and looking back, it was an amazing journey that provided what I never got at the beginning of life - the thing that is so essential to us developing into stable people.

As much as I initially feared it, looking back I love my period of dependence. My therapist did such a good job making me feel loved and cared for. I got what I needed. The difference it made is nothing short of miraculous.

I don't know that I would say "dependent" as much as "attached". My t and I have come to the agreement that as I become stronger, that attachment won't need to be so strong.

not dependent enough! I tend to try stuff on my own, and not let him in.

My goal for the next several sessions is to let him in. Depend on him. Communicate more often, etc. Especially now with me coming off of psych meds, I need a stable unbiased person in my life, that's why I hired him. He lets me email, text, call, do extra sessions...I just have to use it.

Actually, my T is trying to encourage me to be more dependent on ANYONE, be that her, a friend, whomever. I've always just held everything in, never sharing with anyone, afraid to trust anyone. One of the things I'm working on in t is reaching out to others when I need to, rather than just holding everything in and trying to shove it away.

So, right now, I'm dependent on T for some emotional support, but I wouldn't consider it TOO dependent, especially since she keeps encouraging me to reach out even more.

The goal, of course, is to not need support from T, but to be able to find it in other relationships. I'm working on it, but am not comfortable enough to share some things with friends, and it feels safer to share with T.

I think, for some, part of therapy is learning to be dependent on someone else, and in that case, dependence on t (initially) is encouraged, to help the client learn how to reach out and learn that it is safe to do so.

we dont know her well enough yet to really have much of any kind of dependence yet although she does completely encourage constant email contact

Yes, I do think I'm too dependent. Some of that is old stuff, like the message from my parents that I wasn't supposed to need anyone for anything. And some of it feels like it's coming from my T shifting boundaries around.