[WikidPissah]

Ok. I have been totally honest about how I cannot make eye contact with T. Fact is, I can't even look at his face. I set my gaze on his shoes, or the window when I am really trying to think, and peter out syllables trying to form a coherent sentence. It's the epitome of patheticism. (i know, not a word...but you get it right?)

Anyhow...in the past couple of months, T has asked several times for a few seconds of eye contact. I turn a hefty shade of burgundy and drop my head to my knees. No, no, no, I can't, please don't. (I actually say that, but I doubt he understands my whispered mumble)

Question- has anyone overcome this horrific shame? If so, HOW?

[pbutton]

He ASKED for eye contact??? I would SO fail if T asked me to do that. I've found that I have started to do it a little bit on my own. Only on the easy chit-chat stuff or when he is speaking. Hard stuff & I head straight for the shoes.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for posting this - I hope to overcome the same problem with my T. Sometimes I can manage a second or two as long as it is not being talked about or noticed. As soon as T mentions it though, that is it, I can't look any longer.

I'm Not sure asking for It helPs. For me The learning to lOok at people was damaged as a young baby. When I ask T if I'll ever be able too she replies " we don't know yet"

[SeaSalt]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I'm Not sure asking for It helPs. For me The learning to lOok at people was damaged as a young baby. When I ask T if I'll ever be able too she replies " we don't know yet"

Thank you for sharing that. I'm hesitant to say anything regarding this issue because I dont know what makes some folks unable to do this. If this is a goal you have for yourself, please dont give up.

[ECHOES]

I hope you can find a way to take the chance. I know that for me, looking into my T's eyes is a wonderful feeling. I couldn't always. I think it happened slowly, when I would feel really connected, usually by something she said that made me feel heard and understood, and I would just be drawn to look at her then, and to affirm/confirm that I heard what she was saying. I think there is something in the not looking that is about the fear of looking inward, more than anything. Feeling heard and understood can displace some of that fear.

[rainbow8]

Since I was a child I've had trouble with eye contact because of my shyness. I still don't have eye contact with people so much, but I do with my T. It was a goal of mine with my former T, and somehow I managed to do it. I wish I could tell you how but I don't know. I just did it gradually because I forced myself to.

I like my current T's eyes. It's hard to have eye contact but I feel so good when I do it, so I force myself to look directly into her eyes. I think I can do it because I trust her so much. She accepts me totally so I'm not afraid of her seeing me. I know she sees me even when I don't look into her eyes, but it's scary to SEE that she SEES, if that makes sense. But the sense of connection overcomes my fears.

Wiki, do you know what you are afraid of? Can you discuss THAT with him, while not looking? Do you know what the shame is all about?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by pbutton

He ASKED for eye contact??? I would SO fail if T asked me to do that.

yea. somehow mentioning it made me feel even more shameful.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thanks for posting this - I hope to overcome the same problem with my T.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I'm Not sure asking for It helPs. For me The learning to lOok at people was damaged as a young baby. When I ask T if I'll ever be able too she replies " we don't know yet"

that does help. Makes me feel less "responsible" for the inability to make eye contact.

Originally Posted by SeaSalt

If this is a goal you have for yourself, please dont give up.

Thanks seasalt.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think there is something in the not looking that is about the fear of looking inward, more than anything. Feeling heard and understood can displace some of that fear.

hmmmm...possibly.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Wiki, do you know what you are afraid of? Can you discuss THAT with him, while not looking? Do you know what the shame is all about?

Yes. I am afraid of seeing that disgust that I always saw in adults eyes as a kid. I guess I can discuss it, I seem to have been able to discuss more and more these days. The shame is just there, always has been. I have done absolutely horrid things.

[SeaSalt]

wikid, I am so nervous to offer support because I'm afraid I will trigger someone, or say the wrong thing, etc. Please understand I am saying this with sincere caring.

Dont be afraid of what lies within your T's eyes. Many times, the things we fret over never happen. You are not a child anymore. T is not any of the adults from your past. From what I've read here, I think you (and many others) are stronger than you know.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I am afraid of seeing that disgust that I always saw in adults eyes as a kid. I guess I can discuss it, I seem to have been able to discuss more and more these days. The shame is just there, always has been. I have done absolutely horrid things.

Please discuss these things with your T?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Please discuss these things with your T?

yes, I will put it on my bucket list of things to discuss...but that list is getting long!!

[stopdog]

I look at the one I see so rarely that when gone, I cannot recall her face.
I don't really know why I don't. I am fairly certain that it would not be beneficial for the therapist to try to insist I look at her.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I hope you can find a way to take the chance. I know that for me, looking into my T's eyes is a wonderful feeling. I couldn't always. I think it happened slowly, when I would feel really connected, usually by something she said that made me feel heard and understood, and I would just be drawn to look at her then, and to affirm/confirm that I heard what she was saying. I think there is something in the not looking that is about the fear of looking inward, more than anything. Feeling heard and understood can displace some of that fear.

I had a similar experience to Echoes - eye contact was very hard at first. At one point, though, my previous T said something so heartfelt that I met his eyes. It was wonderful - I've never felt so understood. That started us down a path of a lot of eye contact.

It's harder with my current T. He tends to look down when he's composing his next thought and then he looks up. I try to meet his eyes as much as I can, but we're working on some really difficult, shame-related things and I'm finding it hard not to stare at the floor, or my coffee cup, or his desk, or anywhere but his eyes.

[unaluna]

I think it's a symptom of a disease, like a fever. Well, maybe not exactly like a fever, because a fever has a purpose, the high temp kills cooties. But I think my eye contact improved as I started to believe T accepted me, that I wasn't too gross.

[Bella01]

I don't look at T, I only look at him when he is speaking. I've also tried to look him in the eyes when I talk but the floor is safe.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Ok. I have been totally honest about how I cannot make eye contact with T. Fact is, I can't even look at his face. I set my gaze on his shoes, or the window when I am really trying to think, and peter out syllables trying to form a coherent sentence. It's the epitome of patheticism. (i know, not a word...but you get it right?)

Anyhow...in the past couple of months, T has asked several times for a few seconds of eye contact. I turn a hefty shade of burgundy and drop my head to my knees. No, no, no, I can't, please don't. (I actually say that, but I doubt he understands my whispered mumble)

Question- has anyone overcome this horrific shame? If so, HOW?

Do you want to be able to make eye contact with your T? It's been a goal of mine for awhile - not just eye contact with T, but with other people too. During a long period when I was really depressed, I got so out of the habit of looking people that it's hard to bring myself to do it now.

It depends on what I'm talking about - sometimes I can make eye contact, but often I can't. It does seem like there is healing to be had in making eye contact with T and seeing that all of the things we imagine about being horrible aren't reflected in their eyes.

[pbutton]

I have been thinking about this all afternoon. I am not sure WHY I don't make eye contact. I am not particularly worried about what he thinks of me. I think it is partially habit. I do find it distracting to look at people. I will make an effort to try to look at him to see how it feels.

Only once has my T just insisted on eye contact. He wanted to be sure I looked at him so I would see and know that he was not disgusted by what I was telling him. He wanted me to look into eyes and know and remember that he was not judging and that he cared about me. He even tapped my foot with his at one point to get my attention to remind me that I had said that I wanted to see his reaction as much as I feared it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

It's the epitome of patheticism. (i know, not a word...but you get it right?)

The normal word is "pathos" but I like yours better.

I had trouble with eye contact. I made a conscious effort to overcome it.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

The normal word is "pathos" but I like yours better.

I knew one of you brainiacs would find the correct word...thanks.

[sarahplainandshort]

My T has never asked me to look at him, but he has mentioned my lack of eye contact several times. Once he said he thought it was related to my CSA. Dunno about that, it seems more to be about shame in general.

The weird thing for me is that I don't really have trouble making eye contact with anyone else...except my MOM Yup, just T and mom. Now that I'm no-contact with my family and have a little more psychological distance from them, that may be something I'm ready to talk about in T.

[WikidPissah]

I can make eye contact with most people...not the pastor, not my mom, never a teacher no authority figures I guess.

[velcro003]

i only look at my T when i say hello and when i say goodbye. SOMETIMES i will during the session, but rarely. She has never mentioned it, which i am grateful for! I couldn't even imagine trying to discuss that with her. I also have no idea why I don't. I think I may "normal" eye contact with people out in the world, though.

i never look at t either, he mentioned it once, then dropped it. i think he is trying little tricks to have me look. week before last, he was reading from a book and i mentioned i have books and he said "this one" well i had no choice but to look...
but i never ever wear my glasses in t, so looking is just a big blur to me anyways. and why for me? because he has to listen to all the crap coming out of my mouth, he shouldn't have to look at me as well.

[confuseduk]

I cannot look at my T, I don't even know what my T looks like, apart from the shoes. A little while ago T asked me if I felt I could make eye contact, I tried, got up to T's neck and failed. I'm scared of what I might see in T's eyes. If you do work how to get past the shame and look please let us know how. But I do understand